


Tell Me I'm an Angel

by SeraphStarshine



Series: Tell Me I'm an Angel [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Religious, Anal Sex, Angel/Demon Relationship, Battle Scenes, Blow Jobs, Complete, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mentions of Suicide, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Temporary Character Death, Wing Kink, character illness, it isn't graphic - just mentioned, minor rape warning later on, non binary character, nothing in this fic is very explicit so i did not include trigger warnings but please be safe, wing fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 09:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 49
Words: 113,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3805144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard thought that committing suicide would finally end it: no more pain, no more sorrow - nothing.</p><p>The last thing he expected was to wake up in Hell, reborn as a demon under Lucifer’s control.</p><p>He is planning on ending himself - for good this time - when he runs into an angel named Frank.</p><p>Even though it is forbidden, he can’t resist spending time with him, and before he even realizes what is happening, he has fallen in love with this mysterious angel.</p><p>Little does he know that their innocent romance is a part of something much greater which could ignite an all-out war between Heaven and Hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entry One: First Day After Death

**Entry One: First Day After Death**

I don't know why I am writing in this diary...I mean, that kind of shit is for girls isn't it, and I may be gay, but I am definitely not a girl. Wow okay...just ignore me; I am trying to mask my terror with humor, but it really isn't working.

Let me try my introduction again, not like anyone is reading this...

I guess I just want an actual written document of what is happening to me, since so many people have no idea what becomes of people after you die - you heard me right, I am dead.

My name is Gerard Way, and I committed suicide at the ripe age of twenty one. I just couldn't take it anymore, my life was so pathetic and worthless, so I made the rash decision to end it, but the jokes on me, because it didn't end...

I am still here - still breathing, even though I don't actually need to breathe to survive anymore, but some habits are hard to break. The only thing that has changed is that I am no longer human...apparently committing suicide doesn't just end your life - it gets you turned into a demon.

Now I know what you are thinking, but you're wrong. I am not all red and scaly, and I don't have horns, even though I do have black skeletal wings I can release when I need to fly. My nails can also extend into wicked claws, but I can control when they appear, and I have kept them sheathed so I feel like less of a freak. I pretty much look just like I used to when I was alive: bright red hair, pale skin, hazel eyes, blah blah blah.

Honestly I am terrified right now, so don’t let my casual tone fool you, my hand is shaking as I write this.

I don't even know how to feel about this, I actually think I am still in shock. So I will just focus on the facts and events instead of my emotions until all of this starts to sink in.

I met Lucifer when I _"fell”_ , which is what they call it here when a soul goes to Hell. He didn't look that intimidating actually, if I saw him on the street, I would think he was a professor or something; he had on square rimmed glasses and everything, but he had this...aura around him that almost had me shitting my pants. He welcomed me to his fold as he called it, and told me about my new job.

Apparently since I had committed suicide, my assignment was to convince others on Earth to do the same so he would have more souls for his army. I am excited about returning to Earth, Hell is actually kind of boring when you get right down to it. It isn't all lava pits and slavering three headed dogs like I imaged, it is more like an ancient abandoned city with buildings as far as my eyes can see, with dirty cobblestone streets connecting everything.

I was told I could go anywhere in the city I pleased except for Lucifer’s palace, and I was not allowed to cross into the lands on the other side of the gate for my own safety. Apparently most demons just stay in their designated rooms when they weren't out on assignment, but, as the demon who had led me to my quarters explained to me, there are rules I have to adhere to when I go to Earth:

1\. Under no circumstances was I ever to reveal the existence of demons to humankind

2\. I couldn't actually kill anyone myself, interfering with humans by any means other than words is a no go

3\. I could kill any angels that attempted to get in my way or save the person I was manipulating

4\. I could only go to Earth when I had an assignment or was given permission by Lucifer

5\. I was not to interact with any angels unless they directly got in the way of my assignment, an unmitigated attack could start a war between Heaven and Hell apparently

And that was pretty much it; if I didn't bring in a certain amount of souls each year, I would be deemed useless, and Lucifer could kill me (for real this time) or if he was really ticked at me, he could freeze my body in the Wastelands and keep my soul alive as he tortured me endlessly. Apparently being a demon means that if I lose a limb or an eye, it will grow back, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt like a bitch.

Tomorrow is my first assignment...I can't believe I am going to have to do this. I don't want to make anyone feel the way I had...no one deserves to believe that the world would be better off without them, but if I fail, I will be tortured...and I am not going to lie, and try to be a hero and say I can take anything they can throw at me, because I know I can't, I know I will break down and agree to whatever Lucifer wants me to do.

If I had realized this was the fate awaiting me after death, I would never have taken all of those pills...


	2. Entry Two: Three Days After Death

**Entry Two: Three Days After Death**

No matter how often I scrub myself with the ice cold water in the bathing pits, I don't think I will ever feel clean again. I am disgusted with myself and what I have done...that’s right, I had successfully completed my first assignment, and in record time for a newbie apparently. It had only taken me one day to convince the poor kid to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge...

He had been so young...maybe eighteen tops. He reminded me of Mikey, which only added to my self-revulsion. I hadn't even put in that much effort, all I had to do was hang around the bar he frequented where he would drink himself numb with his fake ID.

Just being around me increased his depression; the demon named Bob, who was basically my instructor, had explained to me that we all give off our own auras depending on what our jobs were and how we had died. Some demons had violent ones that convinced people to torture and kill, some had ones that gave off lust, greed, or the sense of envy…pretty much any of the seven deadly sins.

As you can guess, mine gave off a sense of desolation and loneliness. Any human who came in contact with me began to suffer from depression, and the effects increased with the amount of time they spent around me. If that person already happened to be suicidal, then it was even worse for them…they basically didn't stand a chance.

So when I followed the kid (oh god - I didn't even know his name) home from the bar, he had finally done it and taken a plunge over the side of the bridge. It had taken all the self-control I possessed not to jump over after him and carry him to safety, but in doing that, I would reveal myself to all the carefree motorists on the bridge, and the existence of some sort of supernatural creature would become known to the world.

Still...it was so tempting, I wish someone had been able to stop me before I had made the biggest mistake of my life, but my fear of Lucifer had won out, so I just sat there and watched his body tumble into the cold waters below with silent tears streaming down my face.

Speaking of Lucifer, he was quite proud of me. He had called me in for a private audience on my return and congratulated me for my speedy success. He told me that he expected great things from me in the future...just thinking of his sickening smile makes me shudder.

I don't know how I am going to continue this. He hasn't given me my next assignment yet, but I know it is only a matter of time.

Bob tried to comfort me, he isn't half bad for a demon, and he is the only one here who really talks to me. He assured me that over time, my human emotions would fade, and I would begin to relish my tasks instead of dreading them.

I don't know if I want that to happen or not...it would almost be better to die my final death and cease to exist completely then to have to go through this again.

I had made Bob explain to me how it was possible for us to die again, since the whole concept was really fuzzy to me. Apparently, when you die as a human, your soul still lives on, even though your body doesn't, but if you are killed as a demon, your soul ceases to exist, and there is no coming back. No one knows what happens to your consciousness after that, but the general population believes it is all utter blackness that lasts for eternity, but demons can't kill themselves...we just heal unless Lucifer himself or an angel delivers the final blow.

I don't know what to do with myself...I am almost hoping that an angel interferes with my next mission and finishes me off so I don't have to watch another poor soul turn into this awful retched thing that I have become.

I still can’t believe all of this is real…I mean I am a freaking demon. A week ago I didn’t even believe they existed. All of this is insane! Heaven…hell…angels…demons…I was never a religious man, and that has come back to bite me in the ass.

I basically just try to shove the strangeness of my new reality to the back of my mind so I don’t have a complete mental breakdown by trying to digest all of this at once, but in silent moments like this, when I am alone with my thoughts, I truly believe I am going insane.

Maybe this is all some terrible dream…tomorrow, I will wake up, and go see Mikey, and tell him how much I love him, and how I will never leave him. Yeah - that’s it…this is some whole Christmas Carol shit to show me all the terrible things that will happen to me if I commit suicide, and I will wake up a changed man and never touch the pills or booze again. I really wish I could believe that...


	3. Entry Three: 30 Days After Death (give or take)

**Entry Three: 30 Days After Death (give or take)**

Twenty people...because of me, twenty people have committed suicide in the past month. Twenty more souls have been transformed into demons - have had to go through all the shit I am going through...and it's all my fault.

Each time I completed an assignment, I felt as if I was killing myself all over again...but there was no end to the pain...no blessed darkness to envelope me. I had to keep going...with nothing to relieve the agony my soul was going through.

I tried to drink when I went to Earth, but even though I could taste the alcohol burning through my system, I never felt more than a pleasant buzz, no matter how much I consumed. I wanted to be all out shit faced, but I could literally down forty shots in a row and I still couldn't reach that point.

Why the fuck can't demons get drunk? I mean - I have blood and a brain...at least I assume I do, so theoretically, I should still be able to get wasted.

I couldn't even retreat back to the safety of the blade, I could cut all the way down to the bone, and it would heal within minutes. Without my usual coping mechanisms, I was dying on the inside.

I haven't even had the strength to write any of this down...I worry that seeing my deeds recorded on paper will make it all the more real, but I need to document these deaths so they will not be forgotten. Even if it was my fault, I will honor the memory of those poor souls that I had destroyed.

Lucifer was ecstatic of course. He had promoted me from the lame basic class C demon that I was to a class B demon. Apparently they was A, B, and the lowly C class demons, and if you were really good, you got turned into an elite demon, and received the "honor" of serving at Lucifer's side. Most demons strove to become an elite demon, but I was not one of them, I didn't even want to be a B class demon.

It did come with some perks, I could now turn invisible to humans if I willed it, and my physical strength as well as my aura's strength had increased. I was also allotted more freedom than the C class demons since I had proven myself, and I didn't need to be under constant watch.

If I wished, as long as I didn't have any assignments and I wasn't needed in Hell, I was allowed to be on Earth during my time off. I didn't want it...I begged Lucifer not to do it, telling him that I wasn't worthy of such a gift, but the truth was, I didn't want any powers when all they did was cause others misery and despair.

But of course, my pleas fell on deaf ears, and I was transformed against my will. I didn't look any different, but I felt as if I had been pushed through a cheese grater afterward. Lucifer dismissed me with his traditional grin and the location of my next assignment.

Bob was genuinely worried about me, if demons can be said to worry. Usually once someone has been a demon for a month, they begin to cope with the lifestyle and accept what they have become, but I am just getting worse by the day.

I don't even know why Bob cared, but he was always there, checking up on me, bringing me food (even though we didn't really need to eat while we were in Hell, only when we were on Earth did our bodies crave food as if they were remembering our lost humanity). One day, I asked him why he even bothered, and he gave me a piercing look and a heavy sigh before he replied.

_(I will try to record our conversation as accurately as I can recall)_

"I don't have a fucking clue honestly..." was his response.

"There was to be some reason," I pressed him, desperate to understand why he bothered with me.

"I should just feed you the same fucking lies I told Lucifer when I asked to be your guardian, I mean - hell - you are the most impressive demon we have seen in years. In less than a fucking month, you have added to the army more than all the other fucking newbies combined, but that's not why I did it...you are different, and being around makes me feel shit, but in a good way you know, not like bad shit." I cocked my head at him in a questioning manner, and he threaded his hand through his blonde hair, obviously searching for a better way to explain himself.

"I have been a demon for years, and I forgot what it was like to feel, and I didn't give a damn really, and then you show up, and all this shit I thought was gone forever comes back, and I realized I kinda missed it. I was so used to being this numb piece of shit, but around you, I kinda feel alive. I have no fucking clue why, so don't ask - your aura shouldn't affect me, but that's the only thing I can think of, but whatever the fuck it is, I don't want it to stop."

I am sure I gaped at him for a full minute before I formulated an answer. This was the longest statement I have ever heard come out of Bob's mouth, and his crass and straightforward nature of it was a relief to me, most of the demons I had come in contact with had been unbearably stuffy, probably because they had been dead for centuries or something like that.

"What does it mean when you say you asked to be my guardian?" I asked curiously, focusing on the smallest piece of information he had given me first.

"All class C demons get assigned a class B or higher guardian to watch over them and make sure they are adjusting correctly, to put it in Lucifer's words. Now that you are a class B - fucking took them long enough by the way - I guess I am technically not your guardian anymore, but I was supposed to report back to Lucifer any shit he would consider a betrayal, so he could destroy you if it he wanted to, but I haven't told him any of this...he would find it threatening if he thought your aura could affect other demons, and there is no fucking way I am ratting on you. Only his is supposed to be able to do that, and he is not a fan of competition, so he would have killed you for sure."

"You really think I am different than the rest of the demons?"

"I fucking know so...but if you tell anyone this, I will cut out your tongue, it may grow back, but you will regret ever opening that pretty mouth of yours."

And even though it sounded threatening, that was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me since I had become a demon. I erupted into laughter, earning a quizzical look from Bob, which just made me laugh all the harder. After a minute, Bob joined me, and it felt so good, this was the first bought of mirth I had experienced in months.

Once we had settled down, I clasped his hand in mine and thanked him from the bottom of my heart after I swore I would never repeat what he had told me. Bob squeezed me hand in return, and then pulled me to my feet, I shot him a confused look, but he just grinned widely.

"Now that is out of the way, I have something to show you. Since you are a class B, I can finally take you to where we store the demon brew. Only the higher ups know about this shit, it is the one thing that can get a demon drunk, and buddy - you look like you could use a fucking drink."

So I spent the night with Bob, consuming way too much demon brew, which tasted better than it smelled, swapping stories about our old lives and what would we do if we didn't work for Lucifer. Even when I was alive, I hadn't really had any friends - besides my brother, so this unexpected show of camaraderie warmed my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I still felt like shit about all the horrendous acts that I had committed, and I yearned for my miserable existence as a demon to end, but being with Bob shot a tiny ray of light into my dark and bleeding soul.


	4. Entry Four: First Angel Sighting (I am beginning to lose track of the days)

**Entry Four: First Angel Sighting (I am beginning to lose track of the days)**

_Today I thought my wish was going to come true. When I gazed into that gorgeous angel’s piercing eyes, I thought my wretched existence was finally going to end, but I am getting ahead of myself..._

I was just out on another routine assignment, hiding in the rafters of an old barn where my target had taken refuge so he could mutilate his arms in peace.

I typically didn't interact with them, I just let my aura do its thing, and within a day or two, they usually gave up on living. That was when I saw him...silhouetted in the window with the sun illuminating his glorious wings.

Before today, I had not had any encounters with an angel, and Bob told me that wasn't an oddity. Apparently their numbers were decreasing rapidly, because when you went to Heaven, you could choose to be an angel and continue to carry out God's will on Earth - which means you also run the risk of dying the final death by demon hands, or you could choose to ascend, which basically means you can live out your life in Heaven in peace, but you can never go back to Earth again. According to scout reports, more and more people were choosing to ascend, making the demon to angel ratio unequal.

By instinct, I knew that the angel had made himself invisible to the human, but my demon eyes could still see him. I will try to describe him, but words don't do him justice...he was so beautiful, even if I hadn't known about all this supernatural crap, I would have thought him worthy of the title angel.

The light streaming behind him cast most of him in shadow, but from what I could tell, he was stunning. Tattoos covered his exposed arms, and there was even a scorpion on his neck; I never imagined angels would have tattoos, but they suited him perfectly. His hair was dark, and his bangs swooped across his forehead. I couldn't determine the color of his eyes besides the fact that they were dark and glistening as if they held unshed tears.

And his wings...I ached to have wings as magnificent as his. He was short in stature, but he appeared tall with his white appendages surrounding him, each feather fading at the end to a dark grey, as if they had been dipped in ink that hadn't completely washed out.

As I drank in the sight of him, he unsheathed a massive sword from a holster behind his back. Raising his dark eyes, he made contact with mine. A small smile formed on my lips, and I held my arms out wide, giving him permission to end my life.

Confusion flashed across his beautiful face, I am sure he never had a demon react this way to the sight of him before, but as Bob was always telling me, I was not an ordinary demon.

I would miss Bob, but I think he would understand why I chose to die here. We had become very close, and even though he didn't empathize with my moral dilemmas, he knew how much I struggled with this life. He had been a good friend, and my only regret was not being able to say goodbye to him properly.

I refused to close my eyes, I wanted the last thing to see before I died to be this beautiful man.

But the strike never came...I waited with bated breath, but he didn't move a muscle. I yearned to scream at him to hurry up and end it already, but the human would hear me, and I didn't want to reveal my presence. So I settled for pleading with my eyes, hoping he would understand.

Finally, he made a move, but instead of flying toward me and plunging the blade into my heart, he sheathed it instead. What was he doing? He was supposed to do what I could not!

He made an about face and began to slowly pump his gorgeous wings. I silently cried out at him not to go, and as if he heard me, he shot me a backward glance.

Uncertainty was written all over his features, he looked so torn, I had the absurd urge to fly over and comfort him, but before I could do anything stupid, he shot out of the window, causing a miniature flurry of dirt and hay to whirl around the small barn. When the dust settled, he was gone...

_I cannot stop thinking about him. When I close my eyes, his conflicted face is there, he haunts my every moment, waking and sleeping. I am almost eager for my next assignment...but only because of the slender hope that I might see him again, and maybe the next time we meet, he will end my dark days._


	5. Private Angel Log Entry One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be from Frank's POV, just warning you guys.

**Private Angel Log Entry One**

I have been an angel for ten long years now, and I have never had a use for this log all that time...until today, because before now, I have held no secrets close to my heart, no events that I could not dare to speak aloud, and yet they burned in their confinement, corroding away at me until they were released somehow. So I turn to the pen, since I am left with no other option.

Officially, I reported that I made contact with the demon I was ordered to kill, and I was not successful in eliminating my target. All of that is true, but it is not the whole truth.  
I feel guilty for what I wrote in the official ledgers, but how was I supposed to explain my reasons for not being able to kill that demon? It will be interpreted as if he overpowered me and I fled before he could kill me...and I will let the others believe that for now.

Only Ray harbors suspicions that something deeper has occurred. He met me at the gates of the angel garrison upon my return, and he noticed how shaken up I was, but I brushed him off, telling him it was nothing and that I would be fine.

Another omission that chafes me, but it was necessary. Ray would not be able to comprehend my misgivings...he has been an angel for too long.

I don't even think I understand what came over me when I encountered that demon. He was nothing like my research had led me to believe.

For weeks now, I had been trying to find him, this new demon who was making such a name for himself. Barely a few months old, and he had already caught Heaven's attention.

According to the information our scouts had managed to gather on him, he was one of the best at what he did, and he had caused the deaths of hundreds singlehandedly. So the task of killing him was given to me, you might say demon slaying is my specialty.

I had prepared myself to face a fearsome foe whose heart was blackened and cruel, maybe that is why I was so shaken up when I laid eyes on that beautiful broken man.

In all my years, I had never seen a demon react to an angel the way he had. Every other one I had happened upon has attacked me on sight, trying to rip off my wings or deal a fatal blow before I could do the same to them, but this one just stood there...gazing up at me with those incredible hazel eyes so full of pain and remorse.

I was still prepared to kill him, no matter how he looked or acted, he had still damned all of those innocent souls to burn in Hell, but then he smiled at me...smiled as if he was relieved that I had come at last.

When he spread his arms wide and his face softened with an expression of peace, I knew I was lost. I was incapable of killing that man...even knowing what he was, I could not bring myself to do it.

I actually turned my back on him, the ultimate sign of trust an angel can give another being since it leaves our wings exposed and vulnerable. I waited for the tearing of claws and the blinding pain of his attack...but it never came.

When I glanced back at him, he was still standing there, looking so forlorn and lost, I yearned to fly down to him and hold him in my arms, but instead, I fled like a coward.

Now I cannot get that striking demon out of my head. Whenever I see a flash of red, my breath catches and my mind races, thinking it might be his startling hair, but it never is…  
I don’t understand what is happening to me. I have never had doubts before; angels are good, demons are bad, end of story, but now the world doesn’t seem so black and white…and everything I once believed has been thrown out the window.

I plan my hunt for him in earnest now, no longer with thoughts of killing him in my head, but questions and curiosities. He will be much easier to track down now that I have sensed his aura, and I am restless to set off in search of him immediately. I want to discover more about this demon, and then I will decide when (and if) to kill him after that.


	6. Entry Five: His name is Frank

**Entry Five: His name is Frank**

_A week has passed since my encounter with that mysterious angel._

I had completed another assignment, but much to my disappointment, he hadn't made an appearance. I was desperate to see him again, but I had no idea how to track down angels, and I didn't want to ask in case I roused unnecessary suspicion. I had casually mentioned it to Bob, but he had just given me a quizzical look and said that he had never thought about it before; angels usually just found us, not the other way around.

So I found myself in a coffee shop on my next free day, looking up eagerly every time the bell over the door jangled out, hoping to catch a glimpse of dark hair and tattooed arms. I knew it was pointless, I wasn't on assignment, so he had no reason to find me, but I couldn't quench the hope that unfurled in my chest every time someone new walked in.

After staking out the door for almost an hour, I began to get dejected, and I stared down blankly at my hands. What was I doing here...my obsession with this angel was border-lining on pathetic.

At first, I had only wanted to find him again so I could die that much quicker...but if I was completely honest with myself, that wasn't the only reason I was yearning to see him again.

He had struck a chord inside me, and his refusal to destroy me had woken me up. When I finished my last assignment, I still felt like a piece of shit - don't get me wrong, but then I imagined his flawless face, and some of my depression had lifted.

I ached to hear him speak, to watch his beautiful lips form words that would enrapture me. I wanted to feel his wings, stroke their soft downy feathers in a tender caress. I knew these musings were ludicrous, I was a fucking demon, and he would never let me get that close to him, but it didn't stop me from picturing it in my seriously messed up mind.

I took a long sip of my lukewarm coffee and heaved a sigh of contentment. Becoming a demon hadn't dampened my love of the addicting drink, it still felt like heaven running down my throat. The only thing that had changed was that I didn't feel the buzz caffeine used to give me, but it wasn’t necessary anymore.

Did I mention that demons don't need to sleep? I was constantly in a perpetual state of awareness, sometime I chose to sleep in Hell to pass the time, but it wasn't necessary anymore. Bob told me if we stayed on Earth too long, we would begin to feel drowsy again, just like we began to hunger for food as well, but so far, I hadn't spent enough time on the surface to feel any negative effects.

After emptying my now cooling cup of coffee, I gave up on the futile hope of my angel randomly appearing in this god forsaken coffee shop, but before I returned to Hell, I decided to engage in another pointless addiction.

I lit up my cigarette and drew a long pull into my lungs, which were now impervious to cancer. Closing my eyes in satisfaction, I blissfully exhaled, and when I opened my eyes, I swear to god...or Satan I guess...that I almost shit myself.

Standing in front of me, looking even more attractive then I remembered, was none other than my angel.

"I thought you were never coming out of that coffee shop."

_Those were his first words to me, and I will certainly not forget them. The memory of our conversation that followed will never fade, but on the off chance that amnesia is some hidden side effect of being a demon for too long, I will write it down here just in case._

"Would you laugh at me if I said I was waiting for you?" I couldn't believe I had actually had the ability to articulate words, I was so shocked by his arrival that I had been sure I would be struck speechless.

"No, but I think you are lying."

"Well I'm not. Why didn't you just come instead of staying out here?" I questioned him curiously.

"Well I didn't want to confront you in public, just in case things took a nasty turn."

"What do you mean if? Isn't it your job to kill me? I won't fight - I promise." My longing to have this nightmare of an existence end reared its ugly head, and I tried to add a threatening tone to my words in the hope that he would strike without thinking.

"Well I don't see anyone around here you could influence, so you couldn't possibly be on a job, and I haven't witnessed you commit any nefarious deeds today - besides drinking an inhuman amount of coffee, and making me wait ages for you in the cold - so I don't have any reason to kill you just yet." He smirked at me...he fucking smirked, and I melted on the spot, all of my dark and bitter thoughts forgotten.

"Well I am not human, so I can drink any amount of coffee that pleases me." I wasn't about to be out sassed by this adorable little shit. Finishing off with my best wink/hair flip, I smiled to myself in satisfaction.

"Please stop that." Even though his face was serious, I could sense suppressed laughter behind his words.

"Stop what?" I bated my eyelashes innocently.

"Flirting with me!" He actually stomped his foot in irritation like a five year old, which should have looked stupid, but with him it was endearing.

Wait a second...why was I flirting with him anyway? I was supposed to be provoking him to kill me, not shameless throwing myself at him, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him, it was impossible not to be, I mean - look at him! His dark hair had been tousled by the wind, and in the light, I could see that his eyes weren't actually brown, but a wonderful sort of hazel flecked with green. I can't produce a word to describe them - but trust me - they are flawless.

"Aw I'm sorry hun, is it bothering you?" I couldn't resist teasing him.

"Yes it is! You aren't supposed to be like this, and you are seriously messing with my head."

"How do you know what I am supposed to be like?" Now that the conversation had taken a more serious turn, I sobered up instantly.

"I just do...I mean - I have engaged with hundreds, maybe thousands of demons, and they have all been the same. Cold, soulless, empty, evil...but you are none of those things. I just don't understand how that is possible. I have never had second thoughts about a demon before, and then you have to show up and ruin everything."

He truly did look like I had shaken his entire world by its foundations, and I felt terrible. I didn't want to be the cause of his distress, even if it wasn't my fault I was such a strange demon, and I wanted to soothe his worries away.

"I may be different, but that doesn't make me a good person. Honestly - you would be doing the world a favor if you killed me right now, and I wouldn't begrudge you, hell - I might even thank you with my last breath. If you want to know the truth, I hate what I have become. I didn't know this was how I would end up, and if I could go back, I would never have killed myself." He attempted to speak, but I refused to be interrupted, so I continued talking over him.

"So please - do me a favor and stop me before I hurt anyone else. If I was truly a good man, I would have spit in Lucifer's face on my first day and have faced his wrath instead of allowing myself to hurt so many people. I am a coward and a killer, and even though I am terrified right now, if I could choose anyone to take me out of this world, it would be you." I hung my head in shame and opened my arms wide in a perfect imitation of what I had done upon our first meeting.

"Don't you understand that I can’t?" His harsh words snapped my head up instantly.

"I know I need to, but I am physically incapable of harming you. If I could, I would have taken you out back in that barn, but it feels wrong...and I don't want to live with that regret. My job is to exterminate evil, and I know with all of my heart that whatever you are, evil isn't it. Yes - you have done bad things, but so has everyone. So please don't ask me again..." Actual tears glistened in his eyes, and I felt my own gathering as well.

"I have to go now before anyone in the garrison notices I am missing. Please...just don't die on me. I will find you again soon." With those words, his beautiful wings unfurled, and I was blinded by their brilliance.

"Wait - please, before you go...can I have your name?" It came out in a whisper, but he still heard me.

"It's Frank. If you call my name and visualize your location, I can find you at any time. Please don't betray my trust by using this against me."

The pleading in his voice broke my heart, it had never even crossed my mind to use any information he had given me for evil means. Before I could reassure him that his secrets were safe with me, he vaulted off the ground as if he didn't trust himself to stay around me for a moment longer.

"My name is Gerard!" I called up to him as loudly as I could, praying that he heard me.

_Frank. Just thinking his name gives me this warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am sitting here in my room, replaying our encounter over and over again._

_Ever since I had spoken with him, I had begun to realize that just because I am a demon, it doesn't necessarily mean I am this vile creature. Yes - I have committed atrocities, but maybe I wasn't one hundred lost. I mean - he had faith in me...faith enough to give me his name and a way to find him again._

_And if someone that perfect could entrust himself to me so completely, then I couldn't be as terrible as I originally believed. I am sure this buoyant mood will collapse after my next assignment, but for now, I pushed all that I loathed about myself to the back of my mind, and relished in the rare feeling of being happy._


	7. Entry Six: He actually came for me...

**Entry Six: He actually came for me...**

Three months have flown by since my impromptu meeting with Frank outside of the coffee shop, and it was the happiest I have ever been as a demon.

Frank would randomly appear about once a week, usually after I had completed an assignment. We would go get something to eat, or just sit and talk about trivial things until he had to leave again.

I treasured every second I spent with him, and the memories of our time together kept me strong in the following days when I had to do without his gorgeous face and calm words.

At first, I had been terrified that someone would catch us together, but I became more lax with my worries as we continued to escape detection; excitement chased out any harboring fears for the time being, and I would risk anything to see him.

When I was with Frank, everything faded away, I could forgot all the horrors I was going through, and just focus on the way he made me feel. I actually couldn't quite pinpoint the exact emotions I felt toward Frank, but I was pretty sure I had a crush on him - that was for sure.

It had been an unusually long time since he had last made an appearance though, bordering on two weeks now if I was keeping track of the days correctly, and I chafed to see him. I wasn't worried per se; Frank had warned me that he had to be careful so the other angels in Heaven didn't get suspicious, but a small part of my mind couldn't shake that feeling that something might be wrong.

When Lucifer's elite demon delivered my next assignment, I didn't feel the usual overwhelming sense of dread that accompanied such missives; instead, I filled myself with thoughts of my angel. I would call for him today after I completed my grisly task, and then all my fears would be put to rest.

Bob noticed my joyous mood, and even though he was my friend, I kept the existence of Frank to myself. I didn't think Bob would expose me to Lucifer, but with Frank at risk, I wasn't willing to take the chance. So instead, I passed it off as if I was finally adjusting after so long, and he bought it hook, line, and sinker.

I arrived at my destination and quickly surveyed where I had landed. It was the room of a boy about my age, he had lanky blonde hair that could use a wash and desolate yellow-green eyes. I could tell just by looking at him that he was one step from the edge and - as usual - I was the one who would shove him over that point.

Making myself invisible, I lowered into a sitting position in the corner of his room and waited silently.

As I had guessed, it didn't take long. He tried to sleep, but finally gave up the futile effort and headed into the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. As I watched, he pulled out a thin razor and began dragging it across his arm as tears poured down his face.

Once he had finished the gruesome task, he returned to the room and began digging through a backpack until he emerged clutching a pen and a crumpled piece of paper. With shaking hands, he attempted to smooth it out as he scribbled a note and left it lying on the unmade bed.

When he returned to the bathroom, I got up carefully and snuck over to read the words he had decided to leave behind, the page stained with drops of his blood.

_Brother mine..._

_I know you will never be able to understand why I did this, but please believe me when I say that my one regret is leaving you. I love you with all my heart, and I would have never made it this long without you, but I am giving up. I am weak, and sullied, and useless. I can't continue on like this, and death is my only escape. I am going to a better place now._

_Please forgive me._

I began to shake uncontrollably as his words penetrated my soul, bringing back memories of my own demise. I had left a similar note to my brother Mikey...I had truly believed I was going somewhere I could be happy.

A crash from the bathroom snapped me back to the present, the boy had finished what he started and made too large vertical cuts up both of his wrists. Now he was lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood. I could feel his soul's tenuous connection to his body wavering, and I knew it wouldn't be long now.

As I prepared to leave, the door to his room slammed open, and a younger boy with light tousled hair and panic filled eyes ran inside.

"Edward! Are you in here? I heard something fall - are you okay?"

I didn't want to witness this, but my feet were glued to the ground, and I couldn't tear my gaze away. Finally, the boy caught sight of his brother's prone form, and the broken sob he let out was a dagger to my heart.

"Edward!" He collapsed at his side, and I wrenched myself away, unable to watch anymore.

Uncaring if anyone saw me or not, I threw open the closest window and tore out of there as fast as my wings could carry me. Overcome with emotion, I collapsed in the middle of an abandoned park, sobbing so hard I thought I was going to tear in two.

 _"Frank!"_ I let out an agonizing scream inside my head, hoping he would hear me. I didn't visualize my location because I had no idea where I had landed, and I didn't have the strength to lift my head and find out.

He probably wasn't coming anyway...no one would want to be around me while I was in such a dismal state. That scene was just too similar to my own death...I had tried to keep these thoughts locked away, but now they were flooding my mind one after the other.

I couldn't believe how selfish I had been, all this time I had been bemoaning my own fate and hating myself, but I deserved all of this for what I had done. I hadn't even truly considered how badly I had hurt my own brother...oh Mikey...

Did he find my body like Edward's brother had? How often had he begged for me to hang on, to stay for him, if for no other reason, and like the selfish bastard I am, I had left him all alone...

It had never even once crossed my mind to check up on him and see how he was doing. I knew he struggled with his own problems similar to mine, he was just so much stronger than I was, that I assumed he would be all right, but after I had left him in such a tragic manner, would he still be able to resist his old addictions?

I curled in on myself, trying to hold together the pieces of my broken heart. I had been so enrapture with thoughts of Frank, I had forgotten about my own brother!

Suddenly, I was lifted off of the cold ground and cradled in a pair of warm arms. I sobbed even harder when I recognized the familiar scent that I had begun to associate with Frank. He said nothing, only held me close and stroked my red hair gently.

A sudden gust of wind blew through the park, and when I looked up, I saw that Frank had released his wings. He tucked them around us until we were enveloped in a sea of white feathers that smelled of rain. Safe in his embrace, my internal agony slowly ebbed as I buried my fingers in his downy feathers and wept until I had no more tears left in me.


	8. Entry Seven: Why did I have to kiss him?

**Entry Seven: Why did I have to kiss him?**

_Sorry I cut my last entry so short, I was interrupted by Bob, and I haven't shown anyone this journal, so I had to shove it away quickly before he started asking questions, but now I am alone again, and I will continue where I left off._

After my sobs trailed off, Frank wiped away the few remaining tears that clung to my face.

"Hold on," he whispered as he clutched me tighter and began flapping his wings.

Clinging to his neck for dear life, I lost myself in the joy of flying in his arms. Cocooned within his embrace, I felt the world drop away, and I surrendered all my worries and fears for the time being. All too soon, the short flight ended as he alit on top of a beautiful cathedral.

"This should be more private, and no demons will think to look for you on top of a church."

"You know I could have flown myself, I do have wings of my own." I smirked at him.

"Oh...um...yeah...I guess I thought you might be too distressed to fly, and I assumed carrying you would be easier."

"I didn't mind."

"So umm...can I ask why you were crying?"

"I am sorry you had to see that." I scuffed my foot on the ground in embarrassment.

"I am glad you called for me. You were projecting so loudly, anyone could have found you, thank god it was me."

"Thank you for coming. It's just this job...being a demon...having to watch helplessly while these poor people condemn themselves to this terrible life. I don't know how much longer I can do this, but if I stop bringing in souls, I will have to face Lucifer's wrath, and I am so scared of that happening...I am not afraid to die, but he can keep my soul alive while he torments me forever. I just need a way out, and besides death, I can't seem to think of anything. I regret killing myself...I just want to go back and redo everything. I miss my brother, and my home, and my life..."

“Oh Gerard…” Frank pulled me into his comforting arms, and I sighed against his chest, immensely grateful for the simple gesture. Already I felt immensely better, and I was slightly embarrassed by my outburst.

"Do you want me to take you back home so you can visit your brother? Maybe seeing him would give you some peace and help you to carry on?" Frank asked.

As I pondered the question, it suddenly hit me that if I got anywhere close to Mikey, my aura would begin to affect him, and it might cause him to do something terrible. I mean - he was already suffering from my loss, so if I were to add to that with my own powers, it could only end badly.

"No..." I shook my head sadly. "I can't turn my aura off, and if anything were to happen because of me, I couldn't bear it."

"Oh - I didn't think about that." Frank's face look so dejected, I had to say something to make him smile again.

"It was still a good idea though, thank you for suggesting it."

"Well how about this, I will go check up on him whenever I can, and report back to you on how he is doing. That way you will know that he is safe, and you won't be putting him in any danger by exposing him to your aura."

"You would really do that for me Frank?" I gushed excitedly.

"Of course, I am an angel after all, and even though I mostly just kill demons, I can try my hand at the whole guardian angel thing."

"I wish I was an angel..." I muttered softly.

"So do I...that would make everything so much easier."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - this weird fascination I have with you. I can't seem to get you out of my head. If anyone were to catch me right now talking to you, I could be killed for treason, but I don't even care. You are something I have never experienced before, and I can't stay away from you. It scares me to death, but at the same time, I have never felt more alive. Do you know what I mean?"

Hearing those words filled me with indescribable hope, my obsession with Frank wasn't one sided after all. He felt something for me, and even if it was just curiosity, I would take whatever I could get.

"I do know what you mean. Meeting you has been the only good thing that has come out of my death, and that in itself almost makes it worth it. I just feel connected to you in a way I can't explain, and it gives me the strength to keep going, to keep striving to survive and find a way out of this hell that has become my life."

"I want to help you in any way I can. I don't know if it is possible to free you from being a demon, but as soon as I get back, I will research every rare case and oddity that has ever occurred. If there is a way to save you, then trust me, I will find it,” Frank responded eagerly.

Before my brain could register what I was doing, I leaned in and kissed those beautiful lips that haunted my dreams. I had imaged doing this hundreds of times, but I had attempted to suppress all of my baser urges out of respect for Frank, apparently I hadn't been doing as good of a job as I thought.

At first, he stayed frozen under my touch, but slowly he softened up and began to kiss me back. Hesitantly at first...but then his hands tangled in my hair, escalating the simple peck to one filled with passion and intensity. Every nerve ending in my body fired off all at once, and I thought I was going to explode from the enormity of feelings running through my body. Hands down - this was the best kiss of my life…and also death…and I never wanted it to end.

"I shouldn't have done that..." Frank gasped out once we had finally broken apart. Even though neither of us needed oxygen to survive, he still seemed breathless.

"Frank - I am so sorry, that was my fault..."

"I have to go. I'm sorry."

Before I could beg anymore, Frank launched himself off the rooftop in a flurry of wings. I watched his retreating figure with tears rolling down my cheeks. Way to go Gerard...you just fucked up the one good thing you had going for you.

A single white feather floated down out of the sky, and I snatched it before it could float away.

_I am sitting here in my room, still clutching it to my chest. It smells of rain, and sunshine, and Frank…_

_Why did I have to kiss him? What if he never comes back...what if he hates me now? Ugh - I am so stupid. I need to apologize, but I am too much of a coward to face him after what I did. He probably never wants to see me again anyway._

_I wonder if he will still try and find a way to save me, and if he will check in on Mikey. In my heart, I believe that he will, he doesn't seem like the type of person to break a promise, even if I don't deserve any of his kindness._

_I don’t even know what else to write, I am feeling too many things at once to adequately express them on paper. I am hurt, and scared, and alone…but I am also pretty sure I am falling in love with Frank._

_I know it is so sudden, and there is no way I should be this attached to someone I have only known for three months, but there is just something special about him. Maybe love isn't the right word, but right now, he is the only reason I can convince myself to get out of bed each day, and every time I see him, my stomach explodes with butterflies. Just thinking his name makes my heart beat faster, and a pleasant warmth spreads throughout my body._

_I have never experienced anything like this before, and I don’t want it to end, but after I ruined everything by being unable to control my baser urges, it seemed like it already was. I mean - what the hell was I thinking…I basically attacked him like a horny teenage boy. He didn’t deserve that, especially after everything he had done for me._

_Misery was swamping me, I had just destroyed the one thing that brought me a smidgen of happiness, and I had no clue how to fix it. I can’t seem to stop crying, everything hurts, as if his rejection physically wounded me instead of just emotionally._

_If only it was actually possible to die of a broken heart…_


	9. Private Angel Log Entry Two

**Private Angel Log Entry Two**

I am a sinner and a liar...I am no longer worthy of the title angel. The wrongdoings I have committed are steadily growing, and I don't know how to stop this vicious cycle besides doing the impossible and eliminating Gerard...

It had started out small, just little omissions here and there. I continued to kill any demon I came across without pity - except for Gerard. I didn't think my fascination with him could grow any stronger, but after speaking to him outside of that coffee shop, I realized I was well and truly lost.

I kept no official record of my meetings with him, I couldn't have anyone know about my failure to destroy him, or else another angel would be assigned to do what I could not. 

At first, I worried about hiding the usual stench that clung about us after demon encounters, but Gerard's was actually quite pleasant, and wasn't immediately associated with their foul kind. Even so, I had to bathe often to remove it from my feathers, and I bemoaned the task. I wanted the simple reminder of him to follow me throughout the entire day...but I couldn't risk it.

Ray is my main worry right now...he is insanely suspicious of my changing behavior. Even though I have been trying to act as inconspicuous as possible, I could not conceal the giddy joy I felt bubbling out of me after my stolen moments with Gerard.

When I had returned from one such meeting, he had taken me aside and begged me to tell him what was happening with me. He swore to secrecy, but I can't reveal the existence of Gerard to anyone. It pains me to do so, since he is my best friend, and I have never hid anything from him before, but it is necessary.

I believe he thinks I am rendezvousing with a human love, even though this is frowned upon because of the possibility of creating a nephilim child, it is not exactly a sin, but if he knew that not only was I seeing a demon, but that I was beginning to harbor feelings for him as well, he would have no choice but to kill me on the spot.

And to top it all off, I had kissed him...well technically - he had kissed me first, but I had definitely reciprocated. God what a kiss...it had been absolutely magical. I haven't felt that way since before I was alive, and I doubt I will ever feel a passion like that as long as I exist.

It had shocked me at first; in the back of my mind, I had been carrying a secret crush on Gerard, but I had never fathomed that he felt that same way. I had certainly not been attracted to males before - even in life, but there was just something special about that demon. I couldn't deny my feelings once our lips collided, and honestly - it had scared me senseless.

The world had seemed to fall away, and all my doubts and worries about right and wrong, good and evil, had disappeared. He had awoken a fire inside my heart that had been dormant ever since my death, and it is scorching me with its intensity.

But what did I expect to come out of this budding romance? Best case scenario, we would have to hide our love forever, stealing kisses in between assignments and praying that no other angel destroyed Gerard while I was away. Worst case...we were caught and killed...separated forever by the final death.

I don't know if I can live with those fears clouding my mind every day. I would do anything for Gerard, but I worried that the constant deception would be an overhanging cloud eclipsing our happiness.

So I ran...like a coward, I abandoned Gerard and fled from my overwhelming emotions.

He probably hates me now, and I wouldn't blame him. He had been so brave, daring to kiss me and risking rejection, even after all he had been through, he still took the leap, while I sat there paralyzed by my uncertainties.

What am I supposed to do now? I have to go and apologize to him, but that won't fix all of our problems. It won't be long before others besides Ray begin to voice their suspicions about my inability to find and destroy Gerard, and he has made too much of a name for himself to be ignored by Heaven for much longer. I wasn't sure how long I could continue the facade that I was still searching for him before the assignment was taken from me.

But first things first...I still had to research a way to save Gerard, check up on Mikey, and most importantly, think of how I was going to beg Gerard for forgiveness.


	10. Entry Eight: My Worst Nightmare

**Entry Eight: My Worst Nightmare**

I didn't know how to function with the tumultuous storm that was my emotions raging inside me, so I just went numb. Finally I understood what Bob meant when he said he never felt much of anything. It was like a switch had flipped inside of me, and I refused to let anything penetrate the barrier I had put around my heart.

I went out on another assignment, determined not to let my targets pain turn me into a blubbering mess this time. Briefly, I debated calling for Frank to apologize to him, but I decided against it. I ached to see him, but I couldn't bear to face the revulsion I am sure he felt for me now, if he even came that is. So I returned to Hell before I could give in to the temptation to scream his name to the heavens.

I could never have imagined what would be waiting for me when I returned...

An elite demon greeted me once I had materialized outside my room and gestured for me to follow him. I did so with trepidation, recognizing the path toward Lucifer's palace, my heart began to race.

Thousands of scenarios bombarded me, he could simply be calling me to congratulate me on my recent success, or it could be so much worse. What if he found this diary...what if he knew I had been off dallying with an angel? Fearing the worst, I braced myself as I approached his throne, trying to hide my internal debate from his knowing gaze.

"I have someone here I would like to reacquaint you with," Lucifer said once I had bowed before him. “He is a new recruit, and I can think of no one better to be his guardian."

I was under the impression that nothing but Frank could make me begin to feel again, but I have never been so wrong in my life. From behind a drawn curtain, another elite demon emerged...and trailing behind him, his terrified eyes darting everywhere at once, was none other than my brother Mikey.

All the emotions I had been holding at bay poured through the floodgate I had constructed, threatening to bring me to my knees with the sheer force of them. It took all the mental strength I possessed to maintain a straight face, losing control of myself in front of Lucifer would be disastrous.

"You don't have a problem with that - do you?"

I would have traded everything I had to wipe that sneer of Lucifer's face, but that's what he wanted me to do. If I showed even an iota of emotion, he would destroy me on the spot, and I couldn't let him do that with Mikey in the room.

"None at all Master." I bowed again gracefully.

"I didn't think so. Mikey - follow him to your quarters. He will help you transition into your new life in Hell."

Silently, Mikey came and stood by my side. With a final bow, after receiving a nod from Lucifer which meant I was free to leave, I turned smartly on my heel and stalked out of the audience hall at a measured pace.

Once we had reached the relative privacy of Mikey's new room, I finally allowed the tenuous leash on my self-control to snap. With tears pouring down my face, I clung to my brother’s frail form in a crushing embrace.

"Gerard...this is all just some trippy dream right? Please tell me I am going to wake up at home and none of this will be real." The pleading in his voice just made me sob all the harder, and I couldn't speak through my sorrow.

"It's real Mikes..." I choked out.

"You have got to be shitting me."

"I wish I was..." Slowly I began to reign in my unruly tears. In shock, Mikey sat down heavily on the bed, hiding his face in his hands.

"Why did you do it?" was my question to him once I could form a coherent thought again, because I knew without being told that Mikey had killed himself, maybe it was brotherly intuition, or just the most logical explanation, but I knew I was correct.

"I didn't think I was going to." Mikey raised his head, and the desolation in his eyes reminded me so much of my own.

"I thought I could keep going even after you left, but things just went downhill from there. I began to shut down emotionally and drive everyone away. When Alicia left me, that was the last straw, and I just snapped. I wanted you back more than anything, and if I couldn't have that, I thought I might as well join you. I just never imagined death would be anything like this..."

"Oh Mikes..." I moaned brokenly.

"I'm sorry Gerard."

"I never wanted this for you. I even asked an angel to watch over you...his name is Frank. Did you ever see him, he has dark hair and tattooed arms?"

"No - I haven't seen anyone like that..." Mikey shook his head sadly.

An indescribable fury filled me to the brim. I had trusted that Frank would keep his promise, even if he hated me, I had been sure that he would watch over Mikey for me. I felt betrayed...I thought angels were supposed to help people, but Frank had just sat by and done nothing as my brother made the worst mistake of his life! Stubbornly, I stamped my rage down, Mikey was all that mattered at this moment.

I stayed with my brother for hours, trying to ease him into this terrible world we now called home. After he had succumbed to sleep, I crept out of his room wearily.

I couldn't believe this was happening...I wouldn't survive seeing my brother turned into a broken shell of a demon, and the odds were slim that he would be able to retain his humanity like I did. I had to take him away as quickly as possible, but if we did escape, I would be dooming us to a life of eternally checking over our shoulders, always wondering when Lucifer's minions would appear. Would that be any better than the situation we were currently in?

I didn't have the answer to that question, but I knew someone who owed me some answers. The anger I had suppressed earlier came bubbling back to the surface as I entered the portal which would take me to Earth. With a resounding snap, I unfurled my skeletal wings and took off in a rush of air.

 _"Frank!"_ I roared mentally.

I knew I was insane with grief and rage, but I didn't care anymore. I couldn't hold it all in, and I wanted to make Frank feel some of the agony he had caused me. I had entrusted him with my brother, and he hadn't even bothered to check up on him once! I would make him pay...


	11. Private Angel Log Entry Three

**Private Angel Log Entry Three**

_I don't want to be an angel anymore...what is the point if I can't help people. We carry on the facade that we are so righteous, but yet we ignore the millions of people suffering around us...I never noticed before, but meeting Gerard has made me rethink so many things…and what happened today was the final straw that broke my absolute belief in Heaven._

After I fled from Gerard, I went before one of the archangels and asked permission to act as a temporary guardian for Mikey; even though my main job was to kill demons before they could corrupt human souls, I was sure my request would be granted. So you can imagine my shock when the angel informed me that I had been denied guardian privileges...

"The constant battle between Heaven and Hell is much more important than any one soul. We cannot lose our best fighter at a time like this. I will add him to the list of those in need of a guardian, but you will not be it," he quoted as if reading from a textbook.

"You don't understand, he needs an angel with him now, not some time in the foreseeable future!" I pleaded desperately, but my words fell on deaf ears.

"The matter is closed," was the only reply I could coax out of him.

After the frustrating meeting, I hurled myself onto my bed as tears poured down my face. I had so badly wanted to help Gerard in this, he had trusted his brother’s well-being with me, and I was failing him all because some asshole archangel thought that his soul didn't count in the grand scheme of things. Ray found me in this dismal state a few minutes later.

"What's wrong Frank? You haven't been yourself lately, and I hate seeing you like this." He lowered himself on the bed next to me, and I knew he wouldn't leave until I gave him some information.

"I put in a request to guard a soul and I was denied..."

"Oh...well the demon to angel ratio has become incredibly weighted on their end, and we need you. You kill more demons in a month than some of us do in a year."

"I know...I realize that is important, and I know I have a job to do, but this soul needs me...I promised someone I would look after him, and now I can't - I feel like a failure. What's the point of being an angel if I can't help people?"

"But you do help people Frank! By ridding the world of demons, you save so many souls that could potentially fall to Hell because of them. What's put these thoughts in your head?"

"I am not sure...lately I just feel like Heaven isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes I think we are more worried about our standing with Hell than actually doing good deeds. I mean, more than half of our angels are soldiers, and there is so many other ways to help the world besides killing. This whole system is corrupt."

"I don't like what you are implying...don't tell me that human - or whoever you are seeing - is planting twisted ideas in your mind." Anger flared bright and hot within me. I knew Ray wasn't trying to antagonize me, but he was turning a blind eye to the problems he didn't want to acknowledge, and I was sick of it.

"If you just came in here to interrogate me, then you can walk back out that door. Just because I actually have some original ideas doesn't mean someone is corrupting me. Just look around you, obviously what we are doing isn't working! Our numbers are diminishing by the day, less and less people want to be angels - and you know what, I don't blame them!"

"Frank...what you are saying is treason..."

"I don't care anymore! If that is what it takes to bring about change, then I am willing to do it!"

"I can't listen to this anymore...you are my best friend, and I don't want to have to report you, but if you keep going on like this, I will have no choice."

"Leave then!" I screamed at him.

Shooting me a last pleading glance, Ray vacated the room as quickly as he could. I felt guilty for snapping at him that way, it wasn't his fault that everything in my life was going to Hell, but I had been holding these pent up emotions in for too long, and I had unloaded it all on him.

Still feeling antsy, I grabbed my broadsword and stalked out of my room. It would be more productive to take out my anger on some demons than my friends.

After I had slaughtered a basic demon who had been trying to convince a man to murder his wife, I wandered the streets aimlessly because I wasn't ready to return to Heaven just yet.

When I had finally calmed down a bit, I realized I had ended up in New Jersey; I told myself it was just an odd coincidence, and I hadn’t purposely envisioned this place just because Gerard’s brother lived here - of course that wasn’t the case.

I tried to resist the temptation to take a quick peek to make sure he was all right, but I was fighting a losing battle; if I just popped in, I wouldn't exactly be disobeying orders, I mean - I wasn't acting as his guardian, I was just going to see how he was doing so I could reassure Gerard that his brother was still surviving.

Going on Gerard's description of where Mikey had been staying before his death, I turned invisible and canvased the area until I spotted the innocent looking apartment. As I reached the right door, I sensed a human soul inside, which meant Mikey was home, and I wouldn’t have to waste time searching for him. I could feel the similar resonance that reminded me of Gerard, and I smiled fondly.

Just then, I felt a waver in the soul’s connection to the body...that only happened when someone was close to death! Using all of my strength, I broke the door down and rushed inside, losing my invisibility in the process, but I couldn't be bothered to care if anyone saw a strange man suddenly appear and break into an apartment, I had bigger worries at the moment.

I quickly scanned the entryway, but saw no one, so I continued on into the bedroom with fear threatening to paralyze me. The sight that met my eyes when I crashed into the small dimly lit room almost brought me to my knees with the horror of it.

Mikey lay sprawled on the floor in a pool of blood and vomit, an empty bottle of vodka on the nightstand accompanied by a bloodied razor and a bottle of pills. In my heart, I knew it was too late to save him, but I had to try something.

I called all of my powers to bear, but I was no healer, all I ever did was destroy. As I tried to staunch the heavy flow of blood from his wrists, I pleaded to God, or anyone else that could hear me to save this boy. I would give anything in that moment to ensure that he kept living.

But my futile efforts were in vain, and as I held Mikey in my arms, I felt his soul detach from his body and descend into Hell. Never before had I actually witnessed this...either I killed the demon before he could influence his target any further, or I fled.

Having someone die in my arms was the worst feeling I have ever experienced...and Gerard had to go through this almost every day. How could he possibly endure this much pain and still possess such a beautiful soul?

My respect for him grew a thousand fold even as my heart ripped in two as I realized I would have to break the news of his brother’s tragic death to him - oh god, Gerard didn’t deserve this, and neither did Mikey.

Gingerly, I picked Mikey up off the floor and laid him in his bed, arranging his body to make him look as peaceful as possible. If I had come sooner, I may have been able to save him...I was such a failure...if Gerard didn't already despise me, then this would do it for sure.

I returned to Heaven in a cloud of depression. Ignoring everyone that tried to speak with me, I barricaded myself in my room and tried to banish the vision of Mikey's still body, which was permanently imprinted on my brain.

Just as I was dozing off in a pathetic attempt to escape my overwhelming guilt, I jolted up so fast I almost hit my head on the backboard of my bed.

 _"Frank!"_ Gerard's voice wailed inside my head.

The sheer agony I felt in his call hit me like a blow to the gut. I hadn't even stopped to think that because Mikey was a demon now, Gerard would have already found out about his death, but I knew nothing else could cause him this much anguish...oh my poor demon, he must be in so much pain...

Even though I knew facing him in this condition was dangerous, as enraged as he was, he could end up killing me, I had to go to him, and if I did perish at his hands, I deserved it for failing him and Mikey.


	12. Entry Nine: What am I becoming?

**Entry Nine: What am I becoming?**

Seething with fury, I pushed my wings to their limits, keeping my eyes peeled for the flash of white that would signify Frank's arrival. Somehow I knew he would face me, and if he refused, I would keep calling until he didn't have a choice. I continued to mentally scream his name as loudly as I dared.

A driving rain began to lash down from the angry sky, but I ignored the pelting drops and continued to fly recklessly into the storm. I could have picked no better backdrop for my current mood, the sky matched the raging torrent of emotions that were flowing through me.

Lightning split the air, and that was when I saw Frank soaring his way down to me, his beautiful wings leaving a spray of raindrops behind him. Once the sky darkened again, I lost sight of him, but I made a beeline for his last location. My fingertips elongated into a set of hooked claws, and I screamed my fury to the heavens.

"Face me you coward!" I projected my voice as loudly as I could to be heard over the incessant storm.

"Gerard - please just listen to me. I can explain everything if you just give me the chance." I barely heard Frank's voice over the howling wind, but my ears were sharper than they had been when I was alive, and I was able to pinpoint where he was hiding.

I shot upward into the dark clouds, and there he was, sodden and dripping with water, but still stunning. I shook my head to try and rid myself of these thoughts. I was furious with Frank, and this was no time to be checking him out.

"I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" I roared as I threw myself at him recklessly. He was faster than I expected, and he managed to unsheathed his broadsword and block my claws before I could do any damage.

"Gerard - I don't want to fight you. Please don't make me do this," Frank pleaded.

"Shut up!" I screamed as I attempted another swipe at him, which he easily swatted away.

I was severely outmatched, I mean - Frank did kill demons for a living, but I was beyond caring, so I flung myself at him again and again. He didn't ever attempt to strike back at me, he only dodged and parried every blow I threw at him.

"Gerard - please calm down! I am so sorry about your brother..."

"Don't talk about him!" I renewed my attack in earnest, bolstered by the mention of Mikey.

I actually managed to cut deeply into Frank's left arm, blood joined the rain in its free fall to earth, and I relished in the senseless violence. My vision began to go red at the edges, and I lost all sense of who I was and what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to kill...to rip, and tear, and shred, until my dark needs were satiated.

"Gerard - I know this isn't you. You aren't like this! You know you really don't want to hurt me, so please stop this!"

"You don't know what I am!" I snarled fiercely as I chased after Frank's retreating form.

Who did this fool think he was to speak to me like he understood me? I was death incarnate, and he should be cowering before me!

"You are being ridiculous - that's what you are!"

Finally fed up with me, Frank reversed course and barreled in my direction. I smirked in satisfaction and prepared for his oncoming attack, but the blow never came. Instead, Frank tossed his sword aside and wrapped his surprisingly strong arms around me, trapping my wings at my side and leaving me incapable of flight.

We plummeted downward at an alarming rate, but Frank refused to let me go. I struggled to free myself, but I found it impossible to escape the vise of his embrace. Helplessly trapped, I bellowed my fury to the sky.

We hit the ground with a resounding boom, and I was imprisoned beneath Frank's small frame. Shockingly, I was unhurt, even though my wings ached from being pinned behind my back at an awkward angle.

Snarling with outrage at the precarious position I was in, I stared into Frank's eyes, and instead of the hatred and disgust I expected to see in them, what I saw gazing back at me were eyes filled with affection and guilt. Slowly, the red bled away from my sight, and I regained control of my bruised limbs. What had happened to me? I had truly wanted to destroy Frank...I really was a monster...

Stunned by the fact that Frank could still feel these emotions for me even after all I had done, I ceased to struggle, and Frank used the chance to press his heavenly lips against mine. His hands pinned my shoulders down fiercely, as if he was afraid I would run, but I couldn't have escaped his kiss even if I wanted to.

I forgot about everything that had just occurred and lost myself in the pleasure of his lips. Ignoring my battered wings, which were being shoved even harder into the muddy ground, I kissed Frank back with all the passion I could muster. The storm surrounding us was nothing compared to the tempest of sensations I felt as Frank's lips moved against mine.

Once he was sure that I wasn't going to flee, Frank's hands left my shoulders and trailed down my body sensually. Slowly, they inched underneath my shirt and clutched my hips tightly. Encouraged by my lack of protest, his tongue slid into my mouth, and I granted him entrance eagerly.

Now I was the one clutching at his shirt and pulling him closer in a desperate attempt to taste more of him. I kept expecting him to break away at any moment - to run from me as if I was some diseased animal like he had after our last kiss, but he showed no signs of abandoning me this time.

Feeling bold, I threaded my hands through his hair and pulled him closer to me, a moan escaped his mouth as he ground our bodies even closer together than before. Oh fuck - this was amazing...I had never been more turned on in my entire life, and I needed more, but I was terrified of scaring Frank away again.

Just when I was sure that I was going to spontaneously combust from the pure ecstasy of having a fully aroused Frank on top of me, he slowly broke apart from my swollen lips, but not before leaving a trail of soft kisses down the side of my neck.

All lingering effects of the rage that had been blinding me dissipated like a puff of smoke in the wind. Even the weather had calmed, what had been a raging thunderstorm had transformed into a light drizzle, and the sun was beginning to break through the dark clouds.

"Frank - I am so sorry..." I murmured into his neck as the enormity of what I had almost done hit me.

I had been acting like a psychotic murderer...I could have killed him! Hell - he should have killed me for what I had done, but he never gave up on me, he never stopped caring. I felt like an idiot for ever believing that Frank could betray me. My gaze fell on his wounded arm, and my guilt intensified a thousand fold.

"It's ok Gee," he whispered back as he stroked my hair in a soothing manner.

"But it's not okay...I hurt you, and that is never okay. I am so afraid Frank...I completely lost control of myself, and I never want that to happen again. I hated the way I felt...all I wanted to do was destroy...and that isn't me. I don't want to become like every other demon!" I wailed brokenly.

"Sshh...don't cry." But it was too late, the tears were already spilling out of my hazel eyes faster than Frank could wipe them away.

"I will always be here to bring you back from the edge. I will never let you fall." Frank spoke with such conviction it was impossible not to believe him.

"Promise?" I choked out.

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

I buried my face into his neck and threw my arms around him, desperately seeking comfort. He returned the embrace, and I could have stayed right there in his arms forever, but I couldn't hide from my problems this time, and maybe Frank could help me.

"I need to run Frank, I have to get away. The more I watch people die, the more demon-like I become. I mean - look what happened to me today, and Mikey...poor Mikey is a demon now too. I can't let him stay in Hell for a second longer then he has to. I won't let my brother witness the horrors that I have seen. It will destroy him, and me as well, but I don't know where to go, or what to do, and I am so scared."

"About your brother...Gee - I tried to help him...I begged the archangels to let me be his guardian, but they refused. So I went to go see him without permission...but by the time I got there, it was already too late. I did everything I could...but it wasn't enough, and I am so sorry." Frank hid his face in his hands in shame, but I pulled them away, forcing him to look at me.

"Frank - it wasn't your fault...if anything, it was mine for being a selfish bastard and taking my life when I had such an amazing brother to live for. I shouldn't have blamed you, but I was hurting and angry. That isn't an excuse, and I know I can't change what I did, but I am truly sorry. Please believe me when I say that there is nothing you could have done, and I am so grateful that you tried. At least he wasn't completely alone when he died." I ended on a sniffle, and Frank laced his fingers through mine, silently lending me his strength.

"I failed him in life, but I won't fail him in death. I am taking him away Frank. I don't know what kind of life we will have, but anything is better than staying in Hell and turning into monsters."

"Okay Gerard, if this is what you want, then I will help you in any way I can. Go back and get Mikey. I will meet you here tonight at midnight. I'll gather supplies and hopefully find a good spot for you to lay low for a while. There are quite a few areas on earth with very little demon or angel activity, I just have to find them."

"Will you be coming with us?" I asked hopefully.

"At first - yes, so I can make sure you guys get away safely. Neither of you are fighters, and I am, so I can protect you from any pursuit, but once we find a place for you to hide, I think I will return to Heaven for a time. I'll be able to help you more there, and I can direct the hunters away from you. Demons aren't the only one who will be searching for you, you have earned yourself quite a reputation in Heaven too."

"You will be careful though, right Frankie?" The endearment fell from my lips as if I had uttered it a thousand times before.

"Of course I will, and if things go sour, I will be able to warn you with plenty of time to spare."

"What would I do without you?" I smiled down at him adoringly.

"Crash and burn," he grinned back.

_So with a plan in mind, we went our separate ways, knowing it would only be a few hours until we would reunite. I had so many questions I wanted to ask Frank, but I was too afraid to ruin the perfect moment we had shared with my nervous speculations - that didn't stop me from thinking them though._

_What had that kiss meant to Frank? Was it just an extremely effective way of calming me down, or was it something more. I knew without a doubt that I was falling in love with Frank, but I was unsure if he felt the same way._

_How could he? I mean - look at me...I had almost murdered him today because I couldn't control my unruly emotions._

_I can barely stand to see these words staring back at me...it makes what happened all the more real, when I would rather just forget my actions entirely._

_With every passing day, I become even more unstable and savage, and I am terrified. I hate myself for it, and I am sure deep down, Frank despises me too. I mean - underneath it all, I am still a demon...and could an angel truly love something so stained with sin?_


	13. Entry Ten: The best laid plans often go awry

**Entry Ten: The best laid plans often go awry**

_I don't know what to do...I don't know where I am, or where Frank is, or if he is even still alive...I am trying to hide my fears from Mikey, but they are eating me up inside. Maybe writing all this down will help release some of the nervous energy that has been bottled up inside me for far too long._

_Oh god - I am so afraid..._

_I might as well start with the events that transpired three days ago...right after I left Frank with so much hope in my heart and his kisses fresh on my lips..._

I snuck back into Hell as quietly as I could, hoping that no one had noticed my unexpected absence. When I met with no resistance, I made my way to Mikey's room, constantly glancing over my shoulder to make sure the hallway was deserted. I found him in an uneasy slumber, mumbling and tossing about on the uncomfortable bed.

"Mikey - wake up," I hissed urgently. He snapped awake instantly, staring at me with questioning eyes laced with fear.

"What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"We are leaving. Take anything you think could be useful because we won't be returning."

"Gee - where are we going to go?" Mikey still hadn't moved, and I was getting impatient.

I still hadn't figured out how I was going to extricate him from Hell since he was a lower class demon, and they weren't allowed to walk the Earth unless they were on an assignment, and we had to meet up with Frank in just under four hours.

"Anywhere but here."

"But what if someone catches us?" Mikey asked warily.

"Please just trust me," I pleaded desperately. I could see Mikey's analytical mind pondering all the possible things that could go wrong, but in the end, he sighed wearily and nodded.

"I will be back to get you soon, make sure you are ready to leave." Finally Mikey moved from his bed and began scanning his room for items to take.

I peeked my head out of the doorway, and after ascertaining that the coast was clear, I rushed to my room and began hastily stuffing my meager belongs into a tattered pack I had acquired, making sure to retrieve this diary from its hiding place.

I was frantically wracking my brain for a way to avoid attracting unwanted attention during our escape, but I was coming up blank. No one questioned my comings and goings because I was one of Lucifer's favorites, but if I tried to leave with Mikey, that would instantly arouse suspicion. I could say that I was taking him with me on an assignment, but I hadn't received my next target yet. That would involve having to forge the necessary papers, and I didn't have the materials to do that at hand.

"You're fucking leaving aren't you?" a deep voice spoke from behind me, and I swear - I almost shit myself with fright. I whipped around and found myself face to face with Bob. Fuck me - this is just what I needed right now.

"Are you going to report me?" I asked defensively. I had briefly considered trying to deny it, but the evidence was irrefutable, and I knew Bob wasn't stupid.

"Hell no fucker - I am not Lucifer's rat!”

"What gave it away?" I wondered sheepishly.

"I have been expecting you to bolt for weeks, but when I heard your brother had become a demon, I knew you wouldn't let him stay here and become like us. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I just thought you might need some help is all."

"Are you serious about helping me? Do you know how much trouble you could get in?"

"I will be fine, I always am. Plus - I get to piss off the king of Hell, and that's always an added bonus," Bob smirked.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Well I think I'll just accidentally leave open the southern gates. A fucking nasty hellhound has been prowling around that area, and I am sure that would be enough of a distraction to draw the guards away from the portal for a while so you and Mikey can disappear quietly. Nobody will even realize you are gone until it is too late."

Bob's plan seemed perfect, not counting the risk he was taking upon himself, but I didn't have any better options to throw out, so I nodded my head to show my acceptance of his precarious scheme.

"You are too good to me Bob...how did someone like you turn into a demon?"

"I deserved it..." he sighed dejectedly.

"Can I ask what you did?"

For all these months, Bob had been my closest friend, and I had never once inquired about what evil deed he had committed, or how he died. At first, it had seemed a breach of privacy, but now that I might never see him again, I was burning with curiosity, even though time was quickly running out before I had to meet Frank.

"Well...I killed a man - not in cold blood or anything, but it was still fucking murder all the same." He paused for so long, I didn't think he was going to reveal anything else, but just when I was about to speak, he continued.

"I was in love with this girl...Michelle was her name. We were fucking engaged and everything, but out of nowhere, things started to go south. We separated, but we had a baby girl together, so I still saw her a lot so I could spend time with my beautiful Ellie. Oh how I loved her...she was the light of my life." Seeing Bob talk about his new family cast him in an entirely new light for me, he seemed like a softer, more vulnerable version of the Bob I knew.

"Anyway, one day I came over to pick up Ellie, and that's when it happened. Michelle had a new boyfriend named Jack - fucking asshole. I knew about him, and I was happy she had found someone, even though I still loved her, but that night...I let myself in with my key because no one would answer the door. I walked into the kitchen to witness that shithead smacking my Michelle around like she was a fucking punching bag. I had just gotten off my shift, if you remember I worked as a cop, and I still had my gun on my belt...so I shot him. I don't know why I didn't just try to pull him off her or something, but I completely lost it. I couldn't stand anyone touching her like that, and I knew if I didn't kill him, he would just do it again when I wasn't there. I wish I could say I regret it, but I really fucking don't."

"I never knew...oh Bob - I'm so sorry."

"I don't need your fucking pity. I made a stupid ass decision, and I realized there would be penalties, I just didn't think becoming a demon would be one of them." He smiled at me to lessen the sting of his words, but I was used to Bob’s harsh ways by now, and I no longer took offense to them.

"So what happened then?"

"Well she called the police of course...I tried to plead self-defense, but it didn't work since he hadn't actually attacked me. So I was sent to prison, where I died not long after. I pissed off the wrong guys, and I got shanked out in the yard. Honestly, I was kind of relieved when it happened, I didn't want to spend the next twenty years rotting in a cell...but instead, I got an entirety in Hell."

"Still...you were protecting someone you loved. I am not saying it was right, but you don't deserve to be here." My respect for Bob had grown even more after hearing his tale. He wasn't a malicious person, he had just done what he thought was best in a fucked up situation. To be condemned to a life as a demon seemed an unfair punishment for such a selfless act.

"Well you are one to talk. I am glad you are getting out of here Gerard, I really am."

"Why don't you come with us Bob? I know you hate it here as much as I do, and if anyone discovers you helped me, you could be killed." Bob had been my only friend here, and the thought of him being punished for my defection wasn't a pleasant thought.

"As tempting as your offer is, I am going to have to pass. I wouldn't survive out there, I am too fucked up, but knowing you are free will be more than enough to keep me going. You are too good for this place man. I don't know how you ended up here. Somebody upstairs really fucked up with you."

Overcome by emotion, I pulled Bob into a tight embrace. His entire body stiffened up before he awkwardly patted me on the back.

"Hey man - no gay stuff okay. I don't do hugging," Bob chortled gruffly.

"Sorry - I am just so grateful for everything you have done for me. I wouldn't have survived this long if it hadn't been for you."

"Well just do me a favor and keep living. Don't let those bastards find you okay?"

"I won't."

"All right, well I am going to go open the gates. Stay out of sight until I get the guards away, and then make a run for it, and don't look back." I nodded grimly in response. As Bob headed for the door, I grabbed his shoulder, effectively stopping his retreat.

"If you ever change your mind about leaving - come find me. Get to Earth and call for an angel named Frank. He will know where I am, and he will lead you to us. I will tell him about you so he doesn't accidentally try to kill you or something before you can explain yourself."

"You are mixed up with angels too man? Well I always said you were one odd demon."

"Just remember that okay?"

"I will...and thanks Gerard, for reminding me what it's like to feel again. I'll miss you."

"I will miss you too." And with that, Bob left me to finish gathering my things. I was so thankful for his help that I could never express it in words. Without him, this whole escape could have been ruined before we even made it out of Hell, and I would be eternally in his debt.

As quickly as I could, I made it back to Mikey's room and explained to him what was going to happen. On silent feet, we crept as close to the portal as we dared, and then all that was left to do was wait.

Crouched in the shadows, I glanced over at Mikey to see how he was holding up; his eyes were wide and glassy, but his posture was straight, and behind his terror, I sensed a bubble of hope. Just when I was beginning to worry that something had gone horribly wrong, I heard the pounding of booted feet approaching from the direction of the southern gate.

"Guards - help!" Bob's voice rang through the quiet darkness of the city.

"Who's there?" One of the guards asked warily. Bob came into view, and I had to admit that he was giving a fantastic performance. I could feel the frantic sense of panic radiating off him for my hiding spot.

"A hellhound has gotten inside the gates and is rampaging all over the city! All guards have been commanded to leave their posts and help to slay the beast!" Bob's voice was so sure and commanding, the guards didn't question him at all, they simply gathered their weapons and followed him toward the bellowing roars of the enraged beast.

"Come on Mikes - this is our chance," I hissed quietly as the echo of the guards footsteps faded. As silent as mice, we scampered to the portal unnoticed.

"Don't be scared, the first trip through the portal is frightening, but just keep calm, and it will all be over soon," I warned Mikey, and he simply nodded in agreement.

With one last backward glance, I grabbed Mikey's hand as we stepped through the ominous looking warp hole that would take us to Earth. I felt the all too familiar sucking sensation surround me, and I scrunched my eyes shut, I found it helped with the nausea. Mikey had a death grip on my hand, and I squeezed it reassuringly.

I remembered how terrified I had been on my first portal trip, it literally feels like you are being forced through a tube that you couldn't possibly fit through, and the sensation of being constricted that tightly can be petrifying, especially when you have no idea when it is going to end. Mentally, I added this to the list of things that Mikey and I would never have to suffer through again.

A rush of fresh air announced our arrival on Earth, and I sucked as much air as I could into my useless lungs. Mikey stumbled during his landing, and I clutched his arm tightly so he wouldn't fall.

Surveying where we had arrived, I gave myself a metaphorical pat on the back. To travel by portal, you had to envision either the person you wanted to find, or the place you wanted to be, the second one being much trickier than the first, and I hadn't had much practice. Still, I had managed to land in the forest which surrounded the clearing where Frank and I had our fight/make-out session. It was maybe a five minute walk to the meeting place, and we had made it with plenty of time to spare.

As we headed toward the spot that held so many memories for me, I explained to Mikey everything that had happened to me after I died, leaving out as much of the horror and depression as I could. I told him all about how I had met Frank, and how much he had done for me in the short time we had known each other (skipping over the kissing parts of course).

Lastly, I informed him about how Frank had basically orchestrated this whole escape, and that he would be meeting us here soon to lead us to a (hopefully) safe haven. Mikey was silent during my story, and when I had finally run out of words, he gave me a piercing look that seemed to enter my soul.

"You love him - don't you?" was all he said, but he might as well have hit me in the head with a tire iron. Flabbergasted, I opened and closed my mouth so many times, I am sure I resembled a dying fish, before finally giving up on my lame attempt at speech and pressing my lips together.

"That's what I thought." Mikey smirked to himself, causing me to give him a brotherly punch in the arm.

"What the fuck Gee - that hurt! When did you get so strong?"

"It's one of the few perks of being a demon," I grinned cheekily.

"Well in that case, let me see how much I have improved," Mikey giggled as he pounced on me like a freaking cat.

Our brotherly scuffle was interrupted by the beating of wings, and I turned my gaze skyward, desperate for the sight of Frank, even though I had only just seen him a few hours ago. Something wasn't right though...Frank's flying pattern didn't sound like that, and it was much too loud...as if multiple beings were flying toward us, instead of just one.

"Mikey - hide!" I ordered sharply.

I didn't believe Frank would betray me, but I wasn't going to take any chances with my brother’s life. Following my own advice, I retreated back behind the tree line, pushing Mikey down into the foliage so he was completely concealed, but keeping my own head up so I could witness what was going on.

At first I saw nothing but a flock of birds in the sky, but as I strained my eyes, I had to stifle a gasp as the supposed birds revealed themselves to be a hoard of angels. The majority of them were flying in strict formation, except for one angel at the front that darted to and fro in a zigzag pattern.

My heart clenched as I recognized those perfect grey tipped wings...what the hell was going on? I shoved Mikey farther back into the shrubbery and hunkered down as far as I could while still maintaining my line of sight. Frank had pulled ahead of the pack of angels by a large majority, but he looked ragged and exhausted. I noticed a heavy load strapped to his back, which was restricting his wings slightly.

All of a sudden, Frank dived rapidly toward the clearing, pulling his wings as close to his body as he could to gain more speed. Just when I thought he was going to hit the ground, he snapped his glorious appendages back out and hovered inches above the mossy floor. His eyes darted toward my hiding place, and I longed to run to him, but I was too afraid of exposing Mikey to the other angels.

"Gerard - you need to run," he gasped out in a soft voice that wouldn't carry too far, but I could still hear with my sensitive ears.

I began to stand up, but he shook his head the slightest amount, and I stayed where I was. Frank glanced skyward furtively, and I followed his actions; the flock of angels was still far away, but they were descending swiftly.

"Things have gone horribly wrong. Get Mikey away from here as fast as you can. I promise you, I will come find you. Just go and don't look back!" With those words that so closely echoed what Bob had told me at our parting, he unhooked the bundle from his arms and tossed it at my feet before taking off in the opposite direction of my hiding place.

The pursuing angels altered their flight path to chase after Frank's retreating form, but now that he was free to use his wings to his full potential, he was quickly outdistancing them. My eyes stayed glued to the sky until the last feather faded in the distance.

"Gerard - what do we do now?" Mikey's frightened voice snapped me out of my immobile state, and I retrieved the pack from its resting place.

"We do what Frank said...we run."


	14. Private Angel Log Entry Four

**Private Angel Log Entry Four**

_I don't know why I am still writing in this log since its contents are no longer secret, but it seems it has become habitual, and I have no other way to pass the time right now. At the very least, if I don't make it out of this alive, I pray that Gerard will find this, so he will know what truly happened, and how much he means to me._

_I never thought things would end up this way, but there is no turning back now. All I can do is press onward and hope this ends better than it began._

_I will now record the events that followed after Gerard and I parted ways for what we assumed would only be a few hours...._

I winged my way back to Heaven in a daze, replaying the kiss Gerard and I shared over and over again in my head. It had been absolutely magical, and I would never forget it, but I wondered what it meant to Gerard...I mean, he had already kissed me once before, but did he feel the same budding devotion that had begun to fill my heart?

He was under an unimaginable amount of stress, and he could simply be looking for comfort anyway he could get it, and tonight he had given in completely to his demon instincts, it could have just been pure lust that caused him to kiss me with such passion, and not any actual affection.

I couldn't believe how attached I had become to Gerard in such a short amount of time, but I was done denying it. I mean, I was willing to throw away everything for him without question. He had revived my weary soul, and I would do anything to save his from the ravages of living in Hell. The world had become new and exciting to me, instead of the dull grey existence I had been trudging through the past few years, and it was all thanks to Gerard.

Now that he was leaving Hell, I had irrefutable proof that he was different from every other demon. I had already known that, but seeing him take this final step validated everything I had ever believed about him. He wasn't a bad man, he just lost hope, and that shouldn't have condemned him to a life of suffering.

After arriving in Heaven, I turned my feet toward the Holy Library. I needed to find a place with low demon activity (which also meant no angels would go there) for Gerard and Mikey to hide out in. I waved to Brendon as I entered, he was the Keeper of the Word, which basically meant he cared for the ancient texts the library contained. He was a very friendly person, and since I had been spending so much time down here lately searching for a way to save Gerard (I wasn’t having any luck yet, much to my dismay) we had gotten close.

Brendon was a kind soul who abhorred fighting and conflict. I had been sure he would ascend when he came to Heaven, but he had refused, saying that he couldn't leave until his partner Ryan joined him. He loved to regal me with stories about his lover, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't envious of his relationship. I missed the sensation of being in love and having those feelings returned, and the way he so obviously adored Ryan, even after being separated from him, made me long for someone of my own.

I found my way back toward the geographical reports, which held the maps which logged all recent demon encounters. As I pulled out the most current volume, another book came with it and fell open on the marble floor.

Sighing to myself, I picked it up and glanced at the page it had landed on. It was the sixth prophecy from Joshua, which I had read numerous times before. Idly, I flipped to the next sheet to make sure the spine wasn't damaged, when I noticed a glaring irregularity.

Doubling back just to check that my eyes hadn't deceived me, I furrowed my brow in concentration. The book skipped from prophecy number six to number eight...even the page numbers were off by one, jumping from eighty-two straight to eighty-four.

How had I never noticed this before? Part of being an angel was reading all the works of the ordained prophets, and I had never heard anyone else mention this omission either.

Clutching the book in question in my arms, I returned to the front of the library to ask Brendon if he knew what had happened to the seventh prophecy. I was aware that I should have been finding a suitable hiding place for Gerard, but something was nagging at my mind, and I wanted answers.

"Need some help finding something Frank?" Brendon asked.

"Kind of..." I held out the incomplete book so he could see the title.

"I found this over by the maps, and I just happened to notice that the seventh prophecy is missing. It's like someone removed the page completely -" I was cut off by Brendon tearing the book out of my hands. He quickly stuffed it under his desk while his eyes bounced around the room nervously.

"What's wrong?" I lowered my voice worriedly.

"Come with me," Brendon hissed, and I followed him back into a small room that I had never been in before with a confused look on my face.

Manuscripts were laid out on numerous tables in all states of disrepair. Sheets of parchment littered almost every surface, and I deduced this was where Brendon copied down information from the books that were too damaged to place out on the shelves.

"Can you keep a secret?" Brendon asked once he had closed and locked the door firmly. I nodded in reply as he took a bracing breath before continuing.

"I want you to understand that what I am about to tell you, I am not supposed to know. I could be killed for repeating this, and I am putting you in danger by passing it on to you."

Tell me," I begged. Curiosity bubbled up inside me as I waited for Brendon to continue speaking.

"Well...it all started when I first came to Heaven. I began pulling books that needed repairs, and since the library had been neglected for so long, there was quite a few." Before Brendon had come to Heaven, we hadn't had a proper Keeper of the Word in years because of the decline in our numbers. He had only gotten the position because of his lack of affinity for any of the traditional angel jobs.

"So anyway, I found the same error you did in the book, but as I searched for a complete copy, I discovered that every single volume of Joshua's prophecies was missing the seventh installment. Once I had exhausted every other option, I asked an audience with the archangels to find out what was going on." Brendon shuddered involuntarily before continuing.

"They were less than helpful, to say the least. I was already terrified of bothering them…I know how the other angels view me, but I couldn't let such a glaring misprint go without an explanation."

"Not all angels think of you that way Bren," I reassured him.

It was true though...because of his lack of fighting skills, and his inability to use many of the angel powers most of us possessed, the majority of the ranks treated Brendon awfully. They considered him useless, and they weren't shy about letting him know it. I hated the way Heaven's garrison acted as if they were the popular kids in high school, and Brendon was the awkward nerd, so I had gone out of my way to be kind to him, even before I had started frequenting the library so often.

"Thanks Frank," he smiled weakly.

"So what did the archangels say?" I pressed him eagerly.

"They refused to even acknowledge that a seventh prophecy existed! I continued to pester them about it until they told me that I could never mention it again...under pain of death. When I returned to the library, it had been ransacked, and every single copy of Joshua's prophecies had been removed. Luckily, I had one hidden away in my room, and they obviously missed the one you found since it wasn't filed correctly. For once, I am glad of that mistake."

"So that means..."

"That Heaven is hiding something from us. Whatever this seventh prophecy contains, they are willing to kill to keep it secret. Even though it's risky, I have been trying my best to find out what it could pertain to, but I haven't had much luck yet. I know they have hidden the books away somewhere secret...and because of my persistent questions, I am now being watched, so I can't snoop as much as I would like, but I have to get to the bottom of this...it is eating me up inside, and I can't seem to forget it, no matter how badly the archangels want me too."

"Do you have any idea where they placed the books they took from you?" If they had concealed them away, it stood to reason that they might have been placed with the original copy as well.

"Not a clue...there are thousands of secret storerooms in this garrison alone, and I don't have permission to access any of them without someone's consent. I just don't understand what could be so important about this one prophecy, and why haven't any other angels noticed this? Before you came, I almost thought I was going crazy." Brendon hung his head wearily, and I laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Well now I am intrigued by this mystery as well, so you are no longer alone. I am leaving on a short trip, but when I return, you can be assured that I will be looking into this. I can enter the storerooms at any time, so I will do my best to find where they sequestered the volumes, and hopefully that will lead us to some answers."

"You would really help me in this Frank?" Brendon's eyes sparkled with hope, and it felt good to know that I had been the one to put it there.

"Of course, I am exhausted with all these secrets and regulations. The archangels are getting out of control, and I want to know what is so terrible about this prophecy that they don't even trust us to lay eyes on it."

"You have to be careful though Frank. I don't want you getting in trouble because of me. You can't let anyone know about this before we have concrete proof." Brendon looked genuinely fearful, and my stomach twisted guiltily. An angel shouldn't be so terrified of his brethren...but this was what Heaven had come to now, and I was determined to change that.

"Don't fret Bren, I am good at keeping secrets." I smirked to myself.

"Thank you so much for everything Frank. You are an amazing friend." Brendon threw his arms around me in a crushing hug, and I returned the embrace.

"Now come on, we have been closeted up in here for too long, and I don't want anyone getting suspicious." He opened the door warily, and I saw him flinch at whatever he saw outside. Turning back to me, he held a finger up to his lips before exiting the room.

"What can I help you with Oliver?" Oh shit - Oliver was one of the highest ranking archangels at the moment, and he had a less than pleasant reputation. I couldn't make out his reply, but his gravelly voice didn't sound suspicious, just bored. We had been keeping our voices very low, so hopefully he hadn't heard any of our discussion.

Gradually, the sound of their conversation faded away, and I took the opportunity to bolt back toward the maps I had left on the table. Rapidly jotting down the most promising looking locations, I exited the library as quickly as I dared.

I sent up a silent pray for Brendon, I felt terrible abandoning him with Oliver, but my presence would hurt him more than it would help, and I had to meet up with Gerard in less than an hour.

As I filled a bag with supplies from one of the storerooms, I racked my brain for any plausible reason that would explain why the archangels had kept an entire prophecy hidden from the rest of us. All I could think of was that it contained something they didn't want us to know about...but what could that possibly be? As angels of the Lord, we were supposed to be aware of all the predictions made by holy men, because most of them affected us in one way or another.

If it had been a prophecy that had already been fulfilled, there would be no reason for all this secrecy...so it must be something that has not yet come to pass. Maybe by hiding it, they hope that it will never come true, but making something unknown doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed heavily. None of this made any sense, and I didn't have the time to ponder it tonight. I shouldered the heavy pack and made my way back to my room to grab a few more items.

The last thing I was expecting to see when I entered my quarters was Ray sitting on my bed leafing through this log. I should have sensed his presence before I reached the doorway, but I had been so distracted with the whirling tornado that was my thoughts that I had failed to notice it.

"What the hell Ray?" I rudely snatched the book out from under his prying eyes and tossed it into my bag, desperately hoping he had only just started to read it, but I knew from his piercing gaze that he had discovered too much already.

Silently, I berated myself for not finding a better hiding place for it, but I had never imagined that anyone would try and read it. I mean, it wasn't called a private angel log for no reason.

"I am sorry I invaded your privacy Frank...I really am, but I was just so worried about you. Obviously, I had a good reason to be. Please tell me that was all some work of fiction in there, because I can't believe my best friend is consorting with a demon."

"Just forget everything you read. Please Ray, I know what I'm doing," I begged desperately. If Ray told anyone about this, it could ruin all my perfect plans.

"I can't forget it Frank. It is plain as day that he is corrupting you! Why haven't you killed him yet? I assumed you were just having difficulties tracking him down, but apparently you don't have any problems in that department!" Ray accused me.

"He isn't the one playing games with my head Ray," I sighed dejectedly and sat down next to him. Maybe if I tried to explain to him some of what I had learned, he would see things from my point of view.

"There is no other explanation. You are not the same angel I befriend all those years ago, and the only thing that has changed is that Gerard." Ray spat his name like it was a curse word, and I visibly flinched.

"Please just hear me out. You don't have to believe me, but at least let me explain my side of the story. You owe me that much, don't you?" Ray closed his eyes, and I could sense he was remembering how we met, when I had saved his life from a murderous demon that had almost succeeded in ripping off Ray's wing. He still carried the scar from that day, and I knew he couldn't erase that memory from his mind, no matter how much he distrusted me.

"Fine..." Ray caved in, and I began my story.

As I told him about everything I have discovered, from Gerard's oddities, to the missing prophecy, I began making connections that I had been missing before. Everything had been off lately, more archangels had been seen in the garrison than ever before, and I hadn't felt God's presence in months. Of course, he didn't abide with us, but usually he made an appearance every week or so to make sure everything was running smoothly.

It was as if the archangels were trying to replace God as the rulers of Heaven, and he wasn't doing anything to curb their lust for power. Something strange was happening in Heaven, and I despised being kept in the dark.

"Can you at least admit that all these happenings seem too regular to be a coincidence?" Ray had to see that I wasn't insane, or under a demons influence. Out of all the angels, he knew me better than anyone.

"I concede that you have a point, and I would be happy to help you get to the bottom of it, but none of that condones you spending time with a demon. I don't care how kind he seems, it could all be some elaborate plot to find out Heaven's weakness, or something else just as diabolical, and if anyone else discovers that you haven't killed him yet, you could be put on trial." The fact that he said anyone else calmed my racing heart, and I was reassured that Ray wouldn't betray me.

"But that's just it Ray. I have this feeling that all these secrets and omissions have something to do with him, or at the very least, demons like him. I mean, imagine the uproar if angels knew that not all demons are cold blooded killers. I just can't stop wondering if he is a once in a lifetime rarity, or if maybe we have been wrong this whole time."

"But he's a demon Frank...he went to Hell for committing grievous sins on Earth, so how could he not be evil?"

"Do you want to know why he is in Hell...he didn't murder anyone, or steal, or rape. The world destroyed him, and he took his own life. I know it is wrong, but should he be punished for eternity because he lost his way? Isn't that exactly the opposite of what Heaven stands for?"

"I don't know anymore..." Ray shook his head to clear it, and I was ecstatic that he was actually listening to me.

But my excitement was short lived, because just then, a pounding on my door cut through our conversation. Ray and I both froze in place, our senses told us that two archangels stood outside of my room.

"Frank - we know you are in there," one of them called our gruffly.

"Who did you tell?" I hissed as quietly as I could.

"I am so sorry Frank, I was just worried about you...I told Oliver that you had been acting strangely, and I asked him to watch over you using the seeing pool to make sure you weren't in some kind of trouble. I didn't know any of this at the time...please forgive me."

The door burst open, and Oliver and another archangel whose name I couldn't remember entered the now overcrowded room. God damn Ray and his good intentions…

I had never even considered that he would be so desperate to find out what I was doing that he would tell an archangel, and as far as I knew, the seeing pool was only used by guardian angels to watch over their charges when they had been called back to Heaven. The fact that archangels were using it to spy on other angels was another troublesome event to add to my ever growing stack.

"Listen closely Frank - you have been witnessed committing the ultimate taboo of fraternizing with a demon. We are here to take you into custody, where you will remain until you stand trial before God." Oliver held out a pair of shimmering handcuffs, and I shied as far away from him as I could get in the cramped space. Had they seriously seen me kiss Gerard…well, I bet that was a shock to these sensible assholes.

"Do not make this any harder than it already is," Oliver asked.

If Gerard wasn't waiting for me, then maybe I would have stayed and pleaded my case, but I couldn't abandon him when I had been the one to push him into running away in the first place. There was only one thing left to do...

"Remember what I told you," I mouthed silently to Ray, who nodded grimly in return. Then, with a resounding snap, I unfurled my wings, knocking down Oliver and the other archangel in the process. Without a backward glance, I pushed off and flew down the hallway as fast as I dared.

I knew I hadn't stunned Oliver for long, and within minutes, he would have the entire garrison after me. Pushing myself to the limit, I hurtled toward where I had promised to meet Gerard. I had to get him the supplies, and let him know what had happened, or he could be caught waiting for me.

It wasn't long before I heard the accompanying beat of feathers filling the air behind me, and I knew my lead was slim at best. Flying with this pack on my back was straining, and I wasn't sure how long I would be able to outdistance them.

Finally, the clearing where I had last seen Gerard came into view, and I sighed wearily in relief. Now all I had to do was warn Gerard away without alerting the other angels to his presence. Hopefully, they would be too focused on me to notice his aura. Now how to do this while drawing as little attention to Gerard as possible...

Deciding that speed was the only thing I had going in my favor, I rapidly dove toward the ground, hoping that the added weight of the pack wouldn't impair my ability to stop quickly. Luck was with me, and I narrowly managed not to slam into the hard dirt, but I didn't have time to congratulate myself.

I could sense Gerard hiding in the trees to my left, his bright red hair was visible against the green foliage, but I was just grateful he had possessed the foresight to stay out of the clearing, otherwise the other angels would have spotted him instantly. I could feel another soul that had a similar resonance to Gerard's, so I knew he had Mikey with him as well. My poor demon looked so frightened that I had to physically restrain myself from running to him and gathering him in my arms

"Gerard - you need to run," I gasped out as softly as I could while making sure he could still hear me.

I saw his limbs tensing up, and I gave him a minuscule shake of my head, trying to convey to him that he had to stay still. Flicking my eyes upward, I observed my pursuers descending towards me, and I knew I was out of time. Even though there were a thousand and one things I wanted to say to Gerard, I would have to settle for the essentials.

"Things have gone horribly wrong. Get Mikey away from here as fast as you can. I promise I will come find you. Just go and don't look back!" I had to physically wrench my gaze away from Gerard's forlorn face.

Throwing the pack at his feet, I raced off as fast as my wings could carry me while silent tears poured down my face. I prayed to God (even though he probably wouldn't answer any of my prayers now) that I would be able to keep my promise to Gerard. I had to make it back to him alive - no matter the cost.

_So that is how I ended up huddled in an abandoned building, recording my desperate situation in this log that is no longer private. I have managed to avoid detection so far by staying as close as possible to one of the portals which allows us to renter Heaven, if for some reason we cannot fly there like we usually would. Its resonance hides my presence from the other angel’s senses, and I hope that no one will think to look for me so close to an entrance to home._

_But they are still out there...I sense them searching for me. I can feel when a team returns to Heaven, and another arrives on Earth to take their place._

_I know that they can't keep this up forever, our ranks are stretched thin as it is, and I am hoping that they will all be recalled to their original assignments soon. I need to get to Gerard before someone else finds him...I have to make sure he is safe._

_He calls me name every night for hours, and it is breaking my heart. Every muscle in my body yearns to fly to him and hold him in my arms. I want to stroke his beautiful red hair and tell him that everything is going to be all right._

_But I can't risk it yet...even if I am not seen, the other angels could track my scent, and I won't lead them to Gerard, I would die to prevent that. So I sit here and wait...dreaming of the moment when I will be reunited with my demon._


	15. Entry Eleven: Fighting to survive

**Entry Eleven: Fighting to survive**

_It has been two weeks...two weeks since Mikey and I ran away from Hell...fourteen painful days since I last saw Frank's face. I have to believe that he is still alive, because if I don't, then I will fall apart._

_Just when I was about to lose all hope, a miracle happened...but let me backtrack a bit..._

Things weren't easy for Mikey and I, even with Frank's locations and supplies, we struggled to avoid the demons who were tracking us. Because Mikey was still a class C demon, he couldn't turn invisible, so flying was impossible during the day, and we were forced to walk most of the way while the ones chasing us didn't have the same limitations.

Exhausted and hungry, we hid in an empty farmhouse in the middle of a dying corn field, even though I wanted to keep going, Mikey was close to collapsing. He fell asleep instantly on the only bed, but I couldn’t close my eyes.

I sensed a demon coming closer to us, he had been tailing us all day, but I had kept his presence to myself. Mikey didn’t need another worry to burden him right now, and there was nothing we could do about it - besides run.

I had tried my hardest to outdistance him, but I was pushing my brother to his breaking point as it was, we simply could not go any further today, and now the slim lead we had maintained on our pursuer was whittling away...he would be here within the next five minutes.

Silently, I exited the farmhouse, pressing my back against the wooden door as I searched the sky for any sign of our pursuer. I didn't know what I would do when he got here, only an angel could kill a demon, but hopefully I could wound him badly enough that Mikey and I would have time to escape.

My poor brother...all this running was taking its toll on him, and I was worried that he wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer, but we didn't have any other choice...

Finally, I caught sight of a pair of skeletal wings, and I elongated my claws in preparation. If I could rip out his heart, or remove his head, it would take him precious hours to fully regenerate, and by then, Mikey and I would be long gone.

My heart fluttered like a trapped bird against my ribcage, and my breath came in short gasps. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to overpower this demon, if I failed, we would be returned to Lucifer and tortured for eternity. I could not lose this fight, too much was at stake.

In a puff of dust, the demon landed directly in front of me, and I hissed out a warning. I didn't recognize him, but that was no surprise, besides Bob, I had avoided everyone in Hell to the best of my abilities.

No words were exchanged as we stared each other down, waiting to see who would make the first move. Opting for surprise, I ducked down low, then sprang back up, raking the demon's face with my claws.

He roared in fury as blood flowed freely down his face, and I felt the familiar bloodlust cloud my vision. No longer was I afraid or frightened, power flowed through my veins, and all I knew was the desire to rip this demon to shreds.

Faster than he could follow, I flipped over the demon's back and sliced at the spot where his wings met his spine. His bellow of agony was music to my ears, and I began to tear the ruined bones away from his body. With his other wing, he threw me off, before retracting both appendages and removing my main advantage in this fight.

Undeterred, I attempted to get behind him again, he was still bleeding profusely from his back, and if I could widen the wound, I might have a chance, but I underestimated his strength; ignoring his pain, he managed to grab a hold of my arm and pin me underneath his bulky frame.

Writhing in panic, I tried my best to throw him off, but he outweighed me by at least sixty pounds, and I was well and truly trapped. A sinister grin split his face in two as he drew his talon across my exposed midsection, pressing down just hard enough to draw a thin line of blood.

"Lucifer said to bring you back in one piece...but he never said I couldn't have a bit of fun first," the demon cackled.

Fear flowed back into me now...but not for myself, for Mikey. I was such a failure, I couldn't even protect him from one fucking demon. What the hell was I thinking risking his safety like this!

I squeezed my eyes shut in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood of tears I felt welling to the surface. The demon pressed harder on my stomach, and I choked back my cry of agony, I couldn't wake Mikey up. Maybe this demon would be too stupid to remember to look for him now that he had me to torment.

 _"Frank...please save Mikey."_ I mentally sent out my last request. If there was any grace in this world, then I would be granted this one thing. I would gladly trade away my life if it meant that Mikey got to walk free.

"Look at me you filthy runaway." the demon smacked me across the face, and my eyes flew open.

"Okay - you win, just take me back to Hell..." I groaned out. If I could get us out of here before Mikey awoke, then I could attempt to fight back later, but right now, I couldn’t risk making any more noise than we already had.

"Are you so eager to see Lucifer? Because if I were you, I would be begging to be kept here as long as possible. He will make what I am going to do to you look like a fucking trip through a field of flowers."

With those words, he made another incision vertically down my chest, and I couldn’t hold in my tortured scream this time. His nails were sharper than any razor, they split through my skin as if it was made of butter. My entire body was on fire, and I was lying in a pool of my own blood at this point. Blinking furiously to try and clear my vision, I resisted the urge to cry out again as he continued to drag his claws over my torso.

"That's right - I want to hear you scream. I always hated you. Lucifer's favorite demon...you never deserved his affection, and he is going to make you pay."

"It must sting huh? A new little demon getting so much attention. How long have you been in Hell? I bet Lucifer still doesn't even know your name." I knew I would regret this, but it wasn't like me to give in without a fight, plus, it distracted me from the blazing pain for a moment.

"Shut your mouth you little bitch! When I bring you back, he will beg me to join his elite demons, and then I can torment you as much as I please."

"Keep dreaming," I gasped out. Fury filled his face, and he punched me square in the jaw. I gave him my best grin, and spit a mouthful of blood straight in his eyes.

"You are going to regret that fucker." And I did...as he tore into me with his wicked claws, I wondered what had possessed me to aggravate him even further. Each cut burned as if he nails were coated in acid, and my throat was raw from my endless cries.

Minutes passed...but to me they seemed like hours before he stopped his relentless assault. I was happy that I couldn't lift my head to see myself, because I am sure it wasn't pretty. The demon lifted his weight off of my broken body and pulled a pair of black handcuffs out of a small pack he had strapped to his thigh. My eyes drifted behind him to the farmhouse, and I saw Mikey's pale face peeking out the door. Using all the strength I had left, I shook my head at him urgently.

"No..." I mouthed at him, praying that he would let me go.

"Ready for the trip?" My attention snapped back to my attacker, who had uncoiled a spool of rope now as well.

"Was that all you had for me?" I rasped faintly.

A wracking cough tore out of my body, and I shuddered violently. The agony was indescribable, and I had no idea how I was still able to form coherent words. Every nerve ending in my body was crying out, and I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to stay conscious.

"Well that was just the intermission. If I cut you up anymore, I would have to wait for you to heal before I could transport you, and I am not a patient man." He began binding my body with the rope, and I let out a pathetic whimper as it rubbed against my open wounds. I could no longer see over the demon's broad shoulders, which meant I had no idea if Mikey had heeded my plea or not.

"Now give me your hands and we can be on our way." Defiant until the end, I dug my fingers into the dirt and refused to offer them up for him to chain.

Just then, I heard a strangled cry emit from behind us, and the demon sprang out of his crouch to face his new foe. Mikey had jumped onto his back with a long knife in hand, and he was attempting to remove his head from his body. He made a massive cut across the demon’s neck, but it wasn't enough to incapacitate him completely.

Emitting a gurgling roar, the demon snatched Mikey from his precarious perch, throwing him over his shoulder like a rag doll. He landed on the ground with a sickening crunch and lay still.

"Mikey - no!" I screamed out. Drawing on an inner strength I didn't know that I possessed, I dragged my tattered body over to where my stunned brother lay, retrieving the knife from his limp hands.

"Still have some fight in you runaway? Well I didn't give you enough credit...but it won't do you any good in the end."

"Take me...just leave him." I heaved out while painfully regaining my footing. My wounds created a lattice of pure agony, and I knew I wasn't going to stay on my feet for much longer. I tried to will my body to heal faster, but it didn't feel like the incisions had closed at all.

"Now why would I do that? You can't stop me. See this?" He held out his claws so they were directly in front of my face, and I noticed that they were coated in some sort of black substance, which I had assumed had just been a natural discoloration.

"This is something only old demons know of. It’s a secret mixture, which stops your healing abilities from working. Of course, it wears off eventually, but by then, you will be back in Hell, so it won't matter."

Well that explained why my body wasn't repairing itself, but I refused to give up. I pulled myself to my full height and hefted the knife in my shaking hand, trying not to slip in the blood that was pouring from my body.

"You will not touch him," I snarled.

Aiming for the fresh neck wound Mikey had left me, I lunged forward with as much strength as I could muster, shoving through the resistance of his meaty nape. As the blade cleaved deep, he brought up his wicked talons and slammed them into my chest, bringing my attack up short.

With a strangled groan, I thrust myself against his hand, driving the sharp tips of his claws even deeper into my body, but just when the pain became too intense, I felt the knife cut clean through his spine, and with a wet plop, his head fell to the earth.

As his body sank to the ground, I joined it, his talons ripping out of my chest with a sickening sound of tearing flesh. Silent tears snaked down my blood caked face, and I battled back the encroaching blackness. Every breath was torment, but I couldn’t give up yet; I had gained us some time, but we were a long way from safety. Gritting my teeth against the burst of pain, I shook Mikey's shoulder, trying to revive him.

"Mikes - get up!" I cried. Slowly, his eyes opened, and they widened in shock when he took in the sight of my ruined form.

"Oh my god - Gerard!" He gathered me in his arm, and even though I knew he had good intentions, I couldn't contain my moan of agony.

"We need to get you to a hospital!"

"No...I will heal eventually," I croaked out

But not as fast as the demon...I had to convince Mikey to leave me before it was too late. I couldn’t even stand…much less run away, but he could, and that was all that mattered.

"Mikey - listen to me. You have to run. I know you don't want to, but I will never forgive myself if they catch you too. Just go okay?"

"Gerard - I'm not leaving you. If I go - you go, so it looks like I am staying right here." He ripped off his shirt and attempted to bind my profusely bleeding wounds, but it just increased my suffering.

"You don't understand...he won't be out for long...you have to get away. It's too late for me." Each word ripped through my damaged chest, if I hadn’t been so sure that demons couldn’t die, I would have been convinced that I was. How could I be in so much pain and still be living?

"Fuck you Gerard, don't do this! You are my brother, and I already lost you once. Don't make me go through that again!"

I had no response for that...it's true that what I was asking was unfair. Mikey wouldn't survive on his own, he was too new to his demon self, and he was weak compared to the hunters. Even if he escaped today, he would be afraid, and alone, and it would only be matter of time until he was caught.

I closed my eyes in defeat as the hopelessness of our situation overwhelmed me. Even if Mikey managed to move me, the demon had our scent, and he would just track us wherever we went…was this really how everything was going to end?

"Don't cry Gerard. It's going to be okay." I didn't even realize I was crying until Mikey pointed it out, but he was right. I couldn't stop the tears from pouring down my face, I wept for Mikey, I wept for myself, but mostly, I wept because I would never see Frank's beautiful face again.

"Gee - do you hear that?" Panic filled my brother’s voice, and I strained my ears to pick up on what he was talking about, but all I could hear was my own ragged breathing and the steady drop of blood from my numerous wounds.

"I think another demon is coming..." Mikey's voice trembled.

Now I heard what his sharp ears had singled out, the sound of something flying rapidly toward us filled the quiet twilight…but those weren’t just any wing beats...it was the familiar pattern that I had been dying to hear since the first day we ran away. A broad grin split my filthy face, and I attempted to sit up, only to be overwhelmed by a wash of pain.

"It's Frank," I whispered as I sank back down into Mikey's arms and finally gave in to the blessed darkness.


	16. Entry Twelve: Just let me die

**Entry Twelve: Just let me die**

_I don't have a strong recollection of the next few days, I faded in and out of consciousness sporadically, and I couldn't tell you what truly happened, and what was just a figment of my pain eroded mind, but for posterities sake, I will record what I do remember._

"Mikey - we have to go! I took care of this demon, but others won't be far behind. It's not safe here."

Frank's angelic voice broke through the haze that surrounded my thoughts, and I struggled to surface from my helpless state so I could tell him how much I missed him. Apparently my ears were my only working appendage though, none of my other limbs responded to my brains commands.

"You can't move him, he's hurt! You are just going to make it worse! I won't let you touch him!"

"I know...believe me, if there was any way we could stay, I would wait until he is healed, but we can't risk it. I would never do anything to put your brother in danger...you need to trust me on this."

I could sense Mikey's internal struggle, and I understood where he was coming from. He didn't know Frank at all, and if I was in his position, I wouldn't want a stranger touching my wounded brother either...but Frank was right; we needed to change locations quickly before more demons were drawn to the scent of blood. I could smell smoke close by, and I knew that Frank had killed our attacker and was burning his corpse to hide the evidence.

"Fine..." Mikey acquiesced reluctantly.

"Thank you for trusting me. I promise you I will do everything I can to ease his suffering as soon as possible."

“But Frank…that demon said something about Gerard not being able to heal…he said he coated his claws in some substance that would make it impossible for him to mend. Does that mean he is going to die?”

“No...he isn’t going to die, but that does change things. We still need to leave though, I will explain more later.”

The familiar scent of rain and sunshine surrounded me, and I felt a strong pair of arms envelope my wounded body. Even though I could tell Frank was trying to be gentle, I couldn’t stop a whimper of pain from escaping my cracked lips. Soft fingers stroked my face, and I felt something wet fall onto my cheek...Frank was crying for me. I pushed away the wave of fiery agony and tried to enjoy the sensation of being held by my angel.

"Oh Gee..." he whispered softly, and I cringed at the utter desolation in his tone. I tried to respond, but I didn't seem to have full control over my body.

"This is going to hurt baby...but I have to get you away from here. Please forgive me." With those words, he hefted me up from the ground, and I heard his wings snap open.

"Stay close." I assumed he was talking to Mikey, but being moved had renewed my agony, and I sank back down, seeking relief in oblivion.

\-------------------------------------------

A brisk breeze blew my matted hair out of my face, and it was a relief to smell fresh air instead of the scent of blood. I couldn't seem to open my eyes, but I knew we were flying, the beat of wings filled my ears, and I was still wrapped safety in Frank's embrace.

I desperately wanted to see his beautiful face, but try as I might, my lids remained closed. He was muttering to himself softly, and I strained to catch the words before they were pulled away by the rushing wind.

"I am so sorry...I should have been there sooner...this is all my fault."

His words pierced my heart, and I cursed my malfunctioning body that wouldn't let me comfort the man I loved. How could he possibly blame himself for this, if anything, it was my fault for being so weak that I couldn't even defend myself. My breath hitched in my chest, and the salt from my tears burned my unhealed wounds.

\-------------------------------------------

I must have drifted off again, because when I awoke, we had landed at the bank of a river surrounded by massive cypress trees. Even though my whole body still ached, I could open my eyes again, and I took the opportunity to drink in the sight of Frank.

He had his back turned to me, the sun silhouetted his small frame, and from this angle, it seemed that he had a golden halo around his dark head. I smiled to myself at the fitting imagery, even nature knew he was an angel.

I attempted to sit up so I could get Frank's attention, but that was a terrible idea. The slightest movement wracked my entire body with pain, and I collapsed back onto the ground with a strangled groan. Hearing my exclamation, Frank rushed to my side, panic lining his face. Brushing my sweaty hair back from my forehead, he turned back to Mikey and continued the conversation I must have interrupted.

"Mikey - we have to do this now. I know a little bit of this substance, we call it Silverthorn in Heaven. If what you say is true, and that demon had it all over his claws, then we have to get it out of his system as soon as possible. I didn't even realize that Lucifer possessed this, if can only be made using a rare flower that used to grow near sites of mass tragedies, but the toxin is also poisonous to angels, so we took it upon ourselves to destroy the plant. I should have known that they would have had a secret supply hidden away..." Frank shook his head angrily.

"But that means..." Mikey glanced down at me as his eyes welled with tears.

"We are going to have to clean his wounds, and do our best to get every last bit of it out of them."

"We can't do that here!" Mikey cried.

"We don't have any other choice. I know demons can't die, but he has an unhealthy amount of Silverthorn in his body. If it isn't removed quickly, his healing process will be stunted, and he could be crippled and scarred for life. I am not going to let that happen to him..."

"Well at least let us take him to somewhere safe, or at least sterile! We are in the middle of a fucking forest! Can't we do it somewhere he will be more comfortable?"

"I wish we could...but I think we are running out of time. We need the seclusion of this forest if we are going to avoid detection. As much as I hate to say this, we are going to cause Gerard a lot of pain, and we can't expect him to keep to silent. If we move somewhere else, we run the risk of alerting demons - or angels for that matter, to our presence. Right now, Lucifer probably assumes that his original tracker has Gerard in custody, so we have a precious window of time, but once he realizes he is dead, we lose that advantage, and each minute we waste is another chance that someone will discover that you two are still running free. There is no one within a ten mile radius of here, so this is the best I can do for now."

"Fine..." Mikey grumbled.

"I'm so sorry for putting you through this Mikey." Frank placed a hand on my brother’s shoulder before kneeling down beside me.

"Gee? I don't know if you can hear me, but I am going to carry you down to the river okay?"

"Frank..." I managed to croak out. The smile that split across his face warmed my soul.

"Hey there soldier," he chuckled as he slipped his hands under my body and began to walk toward the rushing water.

"I'm so happy to see you." I clasped my arms around his neck and tried to ignore how it stretched my lacerations.

"Me too." We were knee deep in the river now, and Frank gently leaned down so the cool spray was running over both of our bodies.

"Gee - I have to cleanse your wounds okay, but to do that, I have to open them back up a bit. It's going to hurt...a lot...I am not the best healer."

"S'okay Frankie, I trust you." He began to tremble softly, and I heard him choke back a sob.

"Just hold my hand okay. It will all be over soon." He extended his pale tattooed hand to me, and I grabbed it gratefully.

"Mikey - come help me!" Frank called out to my brother who was still standing on the shore. As he splashed his way over to us, I squeezed Frank's hand reassuringly and he returned the gesture.

"Ready?" he asked me, and I nodded in acquiescence. Taking a deep breath, Frank extended the hand that wasn't holding mine, and it began to glow softly. It emitted a faint heat, and I felt comforted by its light.

"This is Holy Fire. It can burn out any poison, and I am going to use it to remove the Silverthorn from your body. It's going to be painful, but I will be as quick as I can."

"Do it," I whispered as I squeezed my eyes shut.

I didn't think I could handle any more pain, but I knew this was necessary if I wanted to heal. I felt Mikey removing what was left of my shredded shirt, and I winced as it tugged on my numerous gashes.

"I'm sorry Gee..." Frank exhaled as he placed his hand against the large wound on my chest. I pressed my lips together, refusing to scream, because I knew it would just make Frank feel even worse.

I was fighting a losing battle though...the pain was even more intense than being sliced up by that demon had been. I repeated to myself over and over that he was healing me, but as the seconds drew out into minutes, I was beginning to lose control. I had bitten my lip so hard, I felt blood welling into my mouth. I kept praying I would pass out again so I wouldn't have to endure this, but it seemed I wasn't going to be so lucky.

As Frank moved to another cut, I threw my head back in a desperate attempt to escape the searing pain. Mikey had my shoulders pinned to his chest, and I struggled to escape the hold of his skinny arms. He just gripped me even tighter though, silent tears pouring down his drawn face. I felt as if I had white hot pokers being inserted into each of my injuries, and my bloodstream was filled with fire.

"Please stop!" I begged shamelessly. I couldn't take this anymore, I was too weak and broken. Death would be better than enduring this for another moment.

A choked sob tore out of Mikey, and even though I felt terrible for hurting them, I couldn't contain myself any longer. Screaming in agony until my throat was rubbed raw, I truly thought I might lose my mind.

My whole existence was pain, agonizing, unimaginable, gut wrenching pain enveloped me until I couldn't recall anything else. Shuddering violently, I screamed and convulsed as the burning continued. My hands clenched into fists, my nails biting into Frank's palm since I refused to relinquish my hold on him. Finally, my vision began to blur, and I knew it wouldn't be long now...my last memory before I blacked out completely was Frank and Mikey's heart wrenching sobs.


	17. Entry Thirteen: Heaven on Earth

**Entry Thirteen: Heaven on Earth**

Forcing my heavy eyelids open took a monumental amount of effort, but it was well worth the struggle when Frank's gorgeous face filled my vision.

My angel was fast asleep, slumped over in a chair he had placed by my bedside. One of his hands was woven with mine, and his ebony hair was splayed out on the comforter. He looked so young when he slept, all of his cares and worries were erased, and he seemed truly at peace for the first time since I had met him.

I don't know how long I had been unconscious, but it must have been ages. Scanning my surroundings, I didn't recognize anything. We seemed to be inside some sort of townhouse, or maybe a really nice hotel. Bay windows covered one whole wall, and sunlight streamed into the room. Mikey wasn't anywhere to be seen, but I could sense his presence close by, which meant he was safe.

Gingerly, I shifted my torso from right to left, and when I was only greeted by a dull ache, instead of excruciating pain, I sighed in relief. Timidly, I lifted up the hem of my shirt, my chest was layered in bandages to the point that I looked like a freaking mummy.

I debated removing them so I could survey the damage, but I decided against it. I didn't want to move around too much in case I disturbed Frank, and it seemed as if whatever he had done had jump-started my healing abilities again.

I returned to staring down at Frank's slumbering form with a small smile on my face. It was such a relief to see him safe and by my side. The terror that I had been caging inside my heart was finally released, and I could breathe easy for the time being. With a trembling hand, I stroked a lock of hair away from his pale forehead.

Overwhelming affection blossomed inside me, the only way I could describe it was to say that I felt as if I had downed an entire bottle of champagne. I was falling so hard, it was frightening...especially since I wasn't sure if Frank felt the same way, but he had called me baby - hadn't he? I could have easily imagined that though...I had been delusional with pain, and I might have projected what I wanted to hear into the situation.

I was desperate to find out though, usually I am a pansy when it comes to this sort of thing, but I was tired of being in the dark. I didn't know how much longer we were going to survive out here, so I wasn't going to waste another minute; when Frank woke up, I was going to ask him all the burning questions that had been eating away at me for months. I could do this...

As the minutes ticked by and Frank slept on peacefully, I began to lose my nerve. What if he rejected me...what if he left us all alone again. I mean, what was I thinking, he is an angel...isn't being gay a sin or something like that, but on the other hand, he did kiss me twice...and he seemed to be enjoying it, and he has risked everything to help me when I needed him most...

I was so caught up in my own mental argument that I jumped when Frank lifted his sleep tousled head up with a yawn. He blinked groggily a few time, and when he caught sight of me sitting up, his eyes widened with surprise.

"Gerard - you're awake!" His beaming smile was brighter than the sun. He hopped up onto the bed and pulled me into a hug before quickly releasing me with a bashful expression.

"I'm sorry, you probably aren't fully healed yet. Did I hurt you?"

"Don't apologize to me, especially when I should be the one thanking you."

“You have no reason to thank me Gerard.” Frank’s face fell, and I was confused by his sudden mood shift

“Hey - what’s wrong?”

"I just wish I could have gotten there sooner...then all of this could have been avoided. I feel so guilty for not being there to protect you." Frank turned his head away from me, and I saw a glistening tear escape from the corner of his eye.

"Frank - look at me," I begged. When he still refused, I placed my hand under his chin and forced him to meet my gaze.

"I won't let you beat yourself up over this. None of what happened is your fault. If you hadn't shown up when you did, Mikey and I would both be burning in Hell right now. Even if that demon had taken us, that wouldn't have been your fault either okay? We chose to run, and no matter how this all turns out, I don't want you blaming yourself. You have already done more for me than l could have ever asked for. Frank - you saved me...and not just from that demon. You saved my soul all those months ago when I first saw you in that barn. So please don't be sad...I hate to see you cry." I wiped away the tears from his cheeks and he leaned into my hand with a shuddering sigh.

"Oh Gerard...I just don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I can't bear the thought of losing you now, and seeing you in that state almost broke me. You have suffered so much, and I never want you to have to go through anything like that again. I don't think I could take it..."

"Would losing me really be so bad? I am just another demon..." I ached to ask him about his feelings for me, but my self-destructive mind shot me down, and I swallowed the words before they could pass my tongue.

"It would be the worst thing in the world...I know this sounds ridiculously selfish, but I need you to stay alive, for me, if for no other reason." I felt my hopes soar for a minute, and I swore I saw devotion shining out of Frank's eyes.

"I wish I understood why you cared so much. I am nothing...someone like you shouldn't have even given me a second glance." I glanced down at my hand nervously, which was still pressed against Frank's cheek. Why couldn’t I just tell him how I feel? Saying three simple words shouldn’t be so hard, but I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.

"Gerard - you are the most miraculous person I have ever met. Stop talking like this please..." He inched his face closer to mine, and I froze up completely, begging him to come closer, but too terrified to ruin the moment by making the first move.

"Frank I..." He cut me off by closing the remaining inches between us, sealing his lips against mine in a passionate kiss.

Without hesitation, I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him even closer to me. My wounds ached at the unexpected activity, but I mentally screamed at them to shut up so I could concentrate on Frank. If it wouldn’t have looked completely ridiculous, I would be fist pumping the air right now.

"God Gerard - you don't know what you do to me..." Frank groaned when we pulled apart for a moment.

Before I could formulate a response, he straddled my hips and lowered his lips back to mine. I felt his tongue licking at my bottom lip, and I granted him entrance eagerly. My heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest, and I couldn't get enough of the way Frank felt on top of me.

Threading my fingers through his ebony hair, I pulled slightly, which caused Frank to emit a soft moan in my mouth. I had never heard a more erotic sound in my entire life, and if Frank wasn't pinning me down, I would have ripped off his clothes right then and there.

Instead, I settled for wrapping my legs around his torso, causing blessed friction just where I needed it most. Frank's fingertips slipped under my shirt, and skated tantalizingly over my hips. Releasing my own groan of pleasure, my back arched as our tongues clashed in a never ending kiss.

Just when I was at the point of begging Frank to touch me, the sound of a door opening broke through the quiet room. We quickly pulled apart just as Mikey walked into view. His hair was sticking up everywhere, and it was obvious that he had just woken up. I loved my little brother, but right now, I wanted to kill him for interrupting us.

"Gee - you are okay!" Mikey exclaimed gleefully. Frank gave him a halfhearted wave from the chair he had retreated to.

"You can't get rid of me that easily Mikes," I answered, hoping he didn't hear the shaky quality of my voice. I should have known better though, my brother is too damn smart for his own good. His eyes flicked back and forth from my swollen lips to Frank's ruffled hair.

"Well um - I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right, but I can see everything is fine, so...I will just be in my room if you need me," Mikey giggled as he backed out of the room.

Once the door had closed behind him, Frank and I exploded into a fit of laughter. Leave it to Mikey to spoil the mood. Once we had settled down, I patted the spot next to me on the bed, and Frank snuggled in next to me.

"I missed you so much Gerard..." Frank murmured as he wrapped his arms around me.

"So did I. I thought I was going to go crazy worrying about you. After I saw you being chased by those angels, I feared the worst."

"Nothing could prevent me from returning to you."

"Will you tell me what happened?" I questioned. Everything had been spiraling out of control so fast, I hadn't gotten an opportunity to ask Frank what had transpired in Heaven.

"Another day baby. I want to forget about everything for a moment, and just enjoy being with you."

"I can't believe this is real," I whispered to myself, and Frank hummed in agreement.

Frank soon drifted off to sleep with his head resting on my chest. He must have exhausted himself healing me, and I was still pretty worn out myself.

Making sure not to wake him, I ran my long fingers through his silky hair lovingly. I couldn't seem to stop touching him to reassure myself that he wasn't a figment of my imagination.

This was what Heaven must be like I decided, having someone you love resting peacefully in your arms. Even though we hadn't actually talked about our feelings, Frank obviously cared for me a great deal, and that was more than I could ever hope for.

Maybe one day he would love me, and even if he didn't, then I would have this memory to cherish forever. I knew without a doubt though, that I would love Frank until the day I died...which was hopefully in the very distant future.


	18. Entry Fourteen: The World is Ugly

**Entry Fourteen: The World is Ugly**

I am not sure how long Frank and I slept, but we were awoken by the smell of something cooking, and Mikey's off-key singing voice. He had whipped up some pancakes and eggs for breakfast, and my stomach growled loudly at the promise of food.

I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten, and now that we were on Earth, our bodies had begun to crave sustenance again like normal humans. I gently shook Frank to wake him up before Mikey could eat everything, he gave me a small smile when he opened his eyes, which melted my heart.

"Thanks for making breakfast Mikes," I told him gratefully once we had all eaten our fill.

"I thought you two might be hungry, and you slept for ages, so I got bored and messed around in the kitchen. Where are we anyway Frank?"

"This is my private townhouse, I bought it years ago for when I wanted to have some seclusion, but it hasn't seen much use since I have been so busy in Heaven. No one else knows I own it, so I thought it would be a good place for Gerard to heal up. We probably shouldn't stay here for too long though because it has my scent all over it

"Where are we going to go next?" I asked nervously.

"Well I found quite a few locations where I am pretty sure we will be safe. We will have to lay low for a while until the hunters are called off...I don't know how long they will continue searching for us, but better safe than sorry. Once we are in the clear, I was thinking we could just pass as humans and live normal lives. We would have to move around every now and then, so people don't get suspicious when they realize that we don't age, but it wouldn’t be too bad a life."

"Are you going to stay with us Frank? Gerard said you were going to go back to Heaven." Mikey chirped in.

"I can't go back now...one of the archangels found out that I was seeing Gerard, so now I am a renegade." A pained expression flitted across Frank's face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"How did they find out?" I questioned softly.

“Well let me start at the beginning…” Frank started to speak, but I couldn’t concentrate on his words…I felt so guilty that Frank had been kicked out of Heaven all because of me...I knew what we were doing was wrong, but I had pushed it to the back of my mind because I was enjoying our time together so much. I had never truly considered how severe the consequences would be for Frank, and I felt awful for dragging him down with me.

I tuned back in to what Frank was saying, and my mouth slowly dropped open as he explained to us everything that had happened since we had parted last. He began by filling Mikey and I in on the fragile state that Heaven had fallen into recently, how less people were eliciting to be angels, and that the ranks were steadily shrinking. He told us how the archangels had been gaining more power recently, and that God hadn't been seen by anyone he knew in months.

He painted us a picture of his insecurities and doubts, and how meeting me had made him truly reconsider what Heaven stood for. Frank went on and on about a hidden prophecy that he was convinced had something to do with why everything in Heaven had been so strange lately, but I didn't really understand most of it. When he began to recount how he had been discovered, and his following flight from Heaven, my stomach twisted as I imagined him being alone and afraid for weeks...unable to return to us without risking exposing our location and fearing death at every moment.

"...and you know the rest. I finally shook off my pursuers, and I was searching for you, when I heard Gerard calling for me to save Mikey. I flew as fast as I could, but even then, I was almost too late." Frank’s voice cracked as memories from that day resurfaced. I immediately got up from the table and pulled Frank into a bone crushing hug.

"Thank you so much for coming. I am so sorry I got you caught...I wish I could take everything back, but it's too late now," I sniffled against his shoulder.

"Don't say that Gerard! Please...it isn't your fault." He returned my embrace, but I still felt horrible. He had lost everything...all because of me.

"It's the truth...if you hadn't met me, you would still be in Heaven where you belong."

"It doesn't matter. I would trade all of my days in Heaven for one more day with you. Meeting you opened my eyes, and I never want to go back to the blind foolish person I used to be. I don't regret one single moment of our time together, and I hope you don't either." Frank pressed a passionate kiss to my lips, and I smiled against his mouth as his words sunk in, and I realized how much he really did care for me.

"Mhmm..." Mikey cleared his throat awkwardly, and we hastily pulled apart. I had forgotten he was in the room for a moment, and I blushed in embarrassment.

"So when do we have to leave?" my brother chuckled softly.

"Not for a few more days hopefully. I am going to go out scouting to make sure there is no supernatural beings in the area, so I will know for sure when I get back," Frank answered.

"Be careful okay?" I squeezed him tightly before returning to my vacant seat, painfully aware of Mikey watching our every move.

"I will be back before you know it. Try and get some rest when I am gone, you are still healing."

"Okay I will. Don't be too long."

"I won't." With those words, Frank got up from the table and gathered his sword from our pile of belongings. I watched out of the window as he released his glorious wings once he was outside and flew off to the west.

Mikey and I spent the rest of the day doing practically nothing, we binged watched Frank's collection of cheesy horror movies until we couldn't take any more fake blood and girly screams. Mikey retreated to his room not long after, saying he wasn't feeling too well. The shock of everything hadn't faded for him yet, I remember how traumatized I was after becoming a demon, so I didn't blame him.

I decided to use my free time to remove my bandages and see how well my wounds were healing. I winced as I surveyed the damage, my torso was crisscrossed in angry red scars, but it looked worse than it felt.

I was pulling my shirt over my head when I heard wings beating toward the house. After ascertaining that it was indeed Frank's familiar pattern, I rushed out the door; he had only been gone for a few hours, but I was still desperate for the sight of his beautiful face.

As he drew closer, I sensed that something was wrong...he wasn't flying as gracefully as he usually did, and I began to panic. I pushed my senses to their limit, but I didn't feel anyone else in the area, so he wasn't being chased...I extended my own wings and shoved off from the ground so I could meet him halfway, if something was coming, then every second counted.

Frank barreled toward me at an alarming rate, at the last possible second, he retracted his wings and flung himself into my arms. He was crying...and not just your usual spout of tears, but full on body shattering sobs. I clutched him to my chest as I slowly lowered our entangled bodies to the ground.

"Frankie - what happened?" Scanning the sky rapidly, I reassured myself that no one had followed him here. Now I just needed to find out what had my baby so shaken up. He couldn't speak through his tears, so I stroked his hair soothingly while I carried him back inside. Now that we were in the light, I noticed that his clothing was splattered with blood.

"Oh god - are you hurt?" I ran my hands over him worriedly, but I didn't find any wounds...which meant the blood wasn't his own.

"I...I...I..." Frank stammered out, but every time he tried to speak, he was overcome with emotion, and his sobs started up again.

"Shush it's okay. I've got you now."

"No it's not okay!" His harsh yell rang throughout the house, and I flinched involuntarily.

"I killed him Gerard...he's dead..."

"Who Frankie?"

"My friend...Pete...he...we served together in the same squadron for years. I tried to convince him to turn back and leave me be, but he refused, and I didn't have a choice!" Burying his face in my chest as if he couldn't bear to let the world see his face, his frantic sobs continued with no sign of stopping.

"Oh baby...I am so sorry..." I didn't know what to say to alleviate his suffering, and it was killing me to see my angel in so much pain.

"He was a good man, and he didn't deserve death. Why couldn't he have just left me alone!" he wailed brokenly.

I was desperate to calm Frank down, but I had no reassuring words to offer him, so I did the only thing I could think of, and sang a song that I had been writing over the past few weeks. I always used to sing to Mikey when he was upset, and I hoped it had the same soothing effect on Frank as it did on my little brother.

_These are the eyes and the lies of the taken_  
_These are their hearts but their hearts don’t beat like ours_  
_They burn ‘cause they are all afraid_  
_For every one of us, there’s an army of them_  
_But you’ll never fight alone_  
_‘Cause I wanted you to know_  
_That the world is ugly_  
_But you’re beautiful to me_  
_Well are you thinking of me now_  
_These are the nights and the lights that we fade in_  
_These are the words but the words aren’t coming out_  
_They burn ‘cause they are hard to say_  
_For every failing sun, there’s a morning after_  
_Though I’m empty when you go_  
_I just wanted you to know_  
_That the world is ugly_  
_But you’re beautiful to me_  
_Are you thinking of me_  
_Like I’m thinking of you_  
_I would say I’m sorry, though_  
_Though I really need to go_  
_I just wanted you to know_

"Did you write that?" Frank sniffled when my voice faltered.

"Yeah...I wrote it for you. I don't have the right words to say to make you feel better. Our whole situation is ugly right now, but you will always be the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and I wanted you to know that."

"Thank you...so much. I needed to hear that. I just feel so stained...so ugly. I don't care that I left Heaven, and I was ready to fight of hordes of demons to protect us. I just never imagined that I would have to kill one of my own brethren. I gave him every chance in the world to turn back, but he refused to leave. He said I was a blight on Heaven, and he wouldn't let a sinner like me walk free as long as he had breath in his body."

"You are not a sinner Frank. You once told me just because I had done terrible things, that didn’t make me a bad person, and the same thing applies to you. Pete made his choice, and you made yours...I wish he hadn't, but you tried your hardest to change his mind. You did everything you possibly could, and I don't want you to feel this way,” I reassured him.

"You always know just what to say. I just wish there was another way...I don't want anyone to die because of my choices,” he answered wistfully.

"So do I...I am so sorry that you had to do that." I rubbed soothing circles into Frank's back, and I felt him relax against me.

"I am going to go shower...I feel dirty," Frank sighed. I pressed a kiss to his forehead before he removed himself from my arms.

I was beginning to drift off when I heard Frank calling my name, and I snapped awake instantly. The water from the shower was still running, so I hopped off the bed and hurried into the bathroom. Steam coated the mirrors, and the shower curtain outlined Frank's thin body huddled on the floor in a ball.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I joined Frank under the spray, still fully clothed, and lifted his shaking form off of the cold tiles. He had begun to cry again, and I cursed myself for leaving him alone when he was in this state.

"Is this all we are?" Frank asked as he held up a blood stained hand. He watched with vacant eyes as the water washed away the remnants of his friend.

"No baby - it's not." I leaned my back against the wall with Frank still firmly ensconced in my lap.

"I am washing him down the drain like that will somehow make me clean, but I still feel the stain on my soul. He is gone forever now...there is no coming back for him. What will Patrick think when he doesn't come home...will he know I killed him...how am I supposed to live with this pain?"

"You find something worth living for. That's what meeting you did for me. I wanted to die before you came into my life. I was seriously considering pissing Lucifer off in the hopes that he would kill me out of anger. Knowing that I was causing innocent people to take their lives was destroying me, but then you came and showed me that ending my life wouldn't bring those people back, it wouldn't make them rest any easier. So I realized that I have to push on and keep living, because so many people don't have that option anymore. Maybe one day we will be able to atone for all the wrongs that we have done, but we can't do that if we give up." I whispered soothingly.

"What happens to angels and demons when we die? Is the final death really just blackness for eternity? Is Pete still aware...is he suffering?" Frank wrapped his arms around me, and I blushed slightly at how close he was to me in his unclothed state.

"I don't know...but I choose to believe he is happy now."

"I'm sorry you have to see me like this...you must think I am so weak."

"I would never think that of you. Frank - you have a compassionate caring heart, and I know exactly how you are feeling. I understand what you are suffering through right now, because I went through the same thing. You never left me alone when I needed you, so it's my turn to repay the favor."

Frank gazed up at me, and I saw a small spark light his eyes again, the sorrow was still there, but it wasn't overwhelming his hazel irises anymore. As if in a trance, I leaned down and pecked his slightly parted red lips, relishing in how sweet they felt against my own.

When I began to pull away, Frank threaded his hands through my damp hair and pulled me back down so our mouths collided again. He ravished my senses with the passion of his kiss, and when he finally released his hold on my head, I was breathless and panting.

"I need you so badly right now Gerard..." he gasped.

"I am all yours." I promised as I scooped him up and shut off the shower.

I carried him back into the bedroom, dripping water as I went since I was still in my soaked clothes. I laid his naked body onto the white sheets and began to kiss each one of the tattoos that adorned his entire body. When I reached his hips, I nipped down slightly, and Frank let out a breathy moan.

"Touch me _please_..." he begged, and I readily complied. Gently encircling his cock, I began to pump up and down slowly as my mouth moved up to his neck and suckled lovingly against his scorpion tattoo.

 _"Oh yes..."_ Frank groaned, and I picked up my pace a bit. He began thrusting into my hand as I continued to stoke him, but when I felt him harden even more, I stopped moving entirely.

"Gee..." Frank whined, but I just smirked as I dropped to my knees in front of him. Before he would voice any more complaints, I sucked his head into my mouth and swirled my tongue around his most sensitive area.

"Holy shit..." he moaned as I pulled him in as deep as I could go. I lavished him with my tongue as inarticulate words spilled from Frank's mouth. I basked in the pleasure that I was giving him, he needed this distraction from his thoughts, and I was glad to provide it.

" _Gee_ \- I'm close..." Frank warned. I took him even further into my mouth as he twisted his fingers through my hair and began to thrust with my movements. I let out a moan as he tugged on my locks, causing him to emit his own.

"Gerard!" Frank cried, throwing his head back as he began to come. I continued to move up and down until he had stopped twitching, and with one final lick, I removed his dick from my mouth.

As Frank recovered, I stripped out of my wet clothes, and as I much as I wanted to remain naked, I threw on a pair of sweats instead. I cuddled up next to my angel as his breathing slowed back down to a regular pace.

"What about you baby?" he questioned me.

"Not tonight. This was all about you." I reassured him even, though I was positive I would have blue balls in the morning. Can demons even get those? I guess I was going to find out.

I didn't want Frank to feel like he had to reciprocate my actions just because I had. He was in such an emotionally fragile state, that I didn’t want him to take anything farther with us tonight anyway.

I yearned for him to actually desire me for me, and tonight he didn’t know what he truly wanted or needed besides an escape. He had required this tonight, and I was more than happy to oblige, but the next time something happened between us, I hoped it would be because he loved me, and not because he was trying to hide from the horrors of the world for a time.


	19. Private Angel Log Entry Five

**Private Angel Log Entry Five**

_I can't sleep...every time I try, I am jolted awake by visions of Pete's bloody body...my mind refuses to let me rest, and I don't deserve it after what I have done. All of my senses are on overdrive, and I can't seem to relax. My body seems to be punishing me for the sin I have committed...I feel physically ill, my skin is burning up, and my stomach is roiling angrily._

_Currently, I am trying to distract myself so I don't wake Gerard, he is still healing, and he needs his rest. He has done enough for me tonight anyway, without him, I would still be an inconsolable wreck._

_I don't really know what to write, so I think I will just record what happened earlier today. If Heaven does manage to get its hands on me, at least they will know what really happened to Pete...he deserves that much. Oh god - I still can't believe I killed him..._

_I hate what I have become so much...someone save me from myself, because I am losing sight of who I am, and it terrifies me..._

When I winged away from our hiding place, I truly didn't anticipate running into any problems. I had hidden our trail well, and no one knew of my secret dwelling in Heaven, so I thought we were going to be granted a few days of peace.

I underestimated their determination to find me though, I foolishly thought that once I had been missing for a few days that they would return to their original duties and forget all about me. Why couldn't they just let me go? I had made my choice, and nothing anyone did or said could change that.

I sensed Pete long before I saw him, his aura was familiar to me because of how long we had served together, and I did my best to lose him. He had always been an excellent tracker though, and despite my best efforts, he tailed me for hours. I was a faster flyer than him, and I could have kept up our game of cat and mouse for longer, but I decided to face him and try to talk him down.

I thought I would be able to convince him to leave me be if he understood everything that had been happening lately...I was such an idiot for trying...I should have kept running. If I had, Pete might still be alive right now.

I waited for him to appear in a deserted clearing, finally, his shaggy black hair came into view, and I drew my sword as a precautionary measure. His own long sword was already clenched firmly in his hand, but I wasn't worried.

Years ago, angels used to hunt demons together in squadrons before our ranks had been reduced so drastically. Pete and I had been on the same squad, so I knew his strengths and weakness inside and out. I had always come out on top in all of our practice battles, and I knew I could overpower him again. He was too headstrong when he fought, he never gave himself enough time to react to a counterattack, and with my speed, I was a force to be reckoned with.

"Don't come any closer Pete!" I called out once he was within earshot of my voice. He pulled up and began to hover in place, but he didn't sheathe his weapon, so neither did I.

"You have no right to tell me what to do anymore Frank. You lost all of your privileges when you abandoned Heaven," Pete spat out.

"I didn't want to leave...I was driven out by the archangels! Please just let me explain my side before you make your decision!" I pleaded desperately.

"No! I don't want to hear any more words from your lying mouth. The archangels told us you have been corrupted by a demon, so you can't be trusted!" Pete roared as he threw himself at me. I deflected his blow easily, then backed out of his reach. I didn't want to fight him...this was my friend.

"That isn't true. I am not under any spell. You just don't understand! Not all demons are evil...if you would just listen to me..."

"Shut up!" Pete screamed as he barreled toward me again.

I choose to dodge out of his way instead of fight back, and this enraged him even further. Pushing himself to the limit, Pete put on a burst of speed and managed to nick me in the back with his sword, dangerously close to my fragile wing joint. This situation was rapidly spiraling out of control. Demons may not be able to kill each other, but angels can, and I was in a dangerous position.

"Why won't you just listen to me?!" I yelled as I spun around and unleashed a counter attack, driving Pete back on the defensive.

"Because you aren't the angel I served with for all those years anymore. That Frank would never have betrayed us for some random demon. Your name is blight on Heaven, and as long as I still have breath in my body, I will not let a sinner like you roam free!" Pete retaliated with a series of quick blows, which caught me off guard since I was reeling from the force of his words.

Was that really what people thought of me now...I knew the archangels would instantly disown me, but I had thought my friends would at least be willing to give me a chance?

"I am still me Pete! I have my reasons for leaving, but if you want to take the archangel's word for it, then that is your choice. I thought you knew me better than that though." I tried my hardest to get through to him with words, but I could tell he wasn't listening to me anymore. His face was contorted in a mask of fury, and he didn't let up on his relentless assault.

"You don't deserve the chance to explain yourself. All I am willing to give you is death…but before I kill you, I will make you take me to your demon lover, so I can murder him in front of you. That will be a fitting punishment for the crimes you have committed," Pete taunted me.

"You will not touch him!" I bellowed in outrage.

Pete had pushed me too far, and I began to fight back in earnest now. Gerard was my soft spot, and the thought of Pete laying one finger on him enraged me. I pounded my sword against his furiously, sparks flew from our conjoined blades each time they struck. With a powerful swing, I unarmed my one time friend, and he watched in horror as his weapon tumbled downward in a lazy spiral. I jabbed him in the shoulder while he was caught off guard and forced him down to the loamy earth.

"This is your last chance Pete...leave here and forget you ever saw me. I will be long gone by the time you can return with reinforcements, so please just go..."

"Kill me if you must, but I will never stop hunting you," Pete spat in my face.

"I don't want to do this Pete. I don't care how much you hate me now, I am still your friend."

"I would never stoop so low as to call someone who fraternizes with demons a friend." As Pete spoke, his eyes flicked down toward his hand, and that was the only warning I received before he drew a hidden dagger and attempted to plunge it into my chest. I was too quick for him through, and I caught his wrist before the blade could touch my skin.

"Please Pete...can't you see this is wrong? Angels shouldn't be killing each other, no matter what grievances lie between them."

"You are not an angel...that title has been stripped from you. Now you are just a renegade." Pete gritted his teeth in pain as he continued to try and drive the dagger into my heart. My sword was still lodged in his shoulder, so every inch he gained on me meant more steel entered his body.

Crimson blood stained the ground around us, and I came to the realization that I wasn't going to be able to talk Pete out of this. Our battle wouldn't end until one of us was dead, and I refused to let that be me. If I died, Gerard would be defenseless, and I couldn't abandon him again. I had to do this, no matter how much I dreaded it.

Tears filled my eyes as I snapped Pete's wrist, causing him to drop the dagger into the rapidly growing pool of blood. Trying my hardest to block out his cries of pain, I ripped my sword out of his shoulder and angled it downward for the killing blow.

"Please forgive me..." I didn't know if I was asking Pete, or God, or both.

I watched the sword descend in slow motion, as if someone had decelerated time for a moment to make sure I realized what I was about to do, and I did...as much as I despised myself for it, I would do anything to protect Gerard...even kill a friend.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I plunged the blade into Pete's chest, making sure to slice directly across the heart so he wouldn't be able to heal himself. Angels have regenerative powers, but if we are stabbed in the heart or beheaded, we die, unlike demons who can survive almost anything unless their corpses are burned.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," I cried as I dropped to my knees and cradled Pete's body in my arms.

His lips moved, but no words came out, only blood trickled from his mouth and down his chin. Sobbing loudly, I rocked back and forth as I held my dying friend.

Slowly, his skin began to glow with a golden sheen as if he had a tiny sun inside of him. It started out in the center of his chest and began to spread outward, before long, every part of him shone with a dazzling luminescence. Piece by piece, he began to break apart into tiny shimmering particles, and my hands passed through his torso where I was still clutching him. As the specks of light broke apart, Pete was no longer recognizable, he was now a cloud of glittering dust that swirled around me in a lazy dance.

I had never seen an angel die before, but I had been told of this phenomenon. Hearing and seeing are two different things though, and I watched in awe until every speck of radiance had faded away.

Supposedly once we died, our souls disconnected from our vessels for a brief moment before they were taken wherever we go when we reach the final death, and the shining orbs are the last remnants of our consciousness leaving the world.

It was beautiful in a tragic way...no body was left behind to fester and rot, so even in death, we maintained some dignity, but that also meant that there was nothing left for loved ones to bury, no grave to remember the fallen by and weep over when we missed them.

I don't know how long I stayed kneeling on the blood soaked ground, crying my eyes out. I felt as if my heart was ripped asunder, and I wasn't sure if I could recover from this sin. Even my wings spoke of my guilt, as I wrapped them around my body in a pathetic attempt to shield myself from the world, I watched as the gray stain on my tips spread to cover even more of my white feathers.

When an angel commits a serious transgression, their wings will slowly change from pure white to a darker shade. Almost all angels had some sort of coloration, the sins you committed in life carried over in death, so it was rare to see pure white plumage. Still, witnessing physical proof of my wrongdoings only increased my emotional agony, and I began to sob even harder.

_I never meant for this to happen...how did everything go so wrong so quickly? None of this has turned out like I had planned, and I have no idea how to fix the mess that has become my life. Now I truly deserved the death sentence Heaven has pinned on my head. I could never return now, and the loss of my home aches like a physical wound._

_I knew I was risking everything by helping Gerard, but I had always planned on going back and pleading my case eventually. Now, all hopes of that are dashed, and I am truly the renegade that Pete had named me._

_I wonder what everyone else in Heaven will think of me when they learn what I have done. Will Ray still understand why I left...and Brendon...I had promised to help him find out about the secret prophecy, and then I had left him all alone…I wonder how he is faring now? In trying to help Gerard, I have hurt so many innocent people along the way..._

_I don't regret it...even after everything that has happened, he is still worth it. Meeting him has been the best thing to happen to me in years. It just seems like we are cursed with one misfortune after the other. I would do anything for him, but I am beginning to worry that this is all going to end in tragedy...I mean, how can we ever be happy if we are constantly being hunted for the rest of our lives?_

_I thought Heaven would give up on me after I had managed to evade them for a few weeks, but I was obviously mistaken. Going by Pete's words, they weren't going to give up until I was dead...which meant I was putting Gerard in more danger than he was currently in, but even if I managed to draw off Heaven's pursuers, he would still be in peril of a demon finding him._

_I don't know what to do...my mind is spinning in one hundred different directions at once, and I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. My main priority is keeping Gerard safe, but we can't just hide forever._

_I need to find a way to get in contact with Ray or Brendon to discover if I still have their trust. I can't shake the feeling that this hidden prophecy is something monumental, and I won't be able to find out anything about it on the run, but if I risk myself, I could inadvertently put Gerard in their line of fire, and I can't do that...if I lost him, I would have no reason to live anymore. I think I love him..._

_I can't believe I actually just wrote that down. I haven’t loved anyone in a very long time…not since I was alive that is. It's a terrifying feeling, but exhilarating all at the same time. Even something so simple as watching him sleep makes my stomach erupt with butterflies...I keep glancing over at him every few minutes._

_He is so beautiful to look at, I still can't believe he is real...his bright hair is falling in his face, and his gorgeous lips are slightly parted. I love seeing him like this, no lines of pain or worry mar his face, and he seems so young and innocent._

_When I am around him, I feel as if nothing can hurt me...he makes the world a better place just by existing. I can't imagine my life without him, and that is where my terror lies...I almost lost him the other day, and I cannot go through that again._

_He is my love, my heart, my everything. I have fallen so hard, so fast, that I am scared I am going to hit the ground at any minute and shatter into a thousand pieces._

_I wonder if he loves me too...I mean, I know he clearly cares a lot about me, but is that love, and how will he see me when he notices my darkening wings...will he realize that I am not some perfect angelic being anymore and become disgusted with me? I hate myself right now, so I honesty wouldn’t blame him if he did._

_I am being ridiculous - I know...Gerard obviously doesn't hate me. He had no reason to stay up all night and comfort me, but he did, which evidently shows he still cares, and that song he wrote...I have never heard anything more beautiful in my entire life, just thinking about it pulls me back from this dark ledge I am teetering on._

_I wish I could just talk to him about how I am feeling, but I am so scared...I couldn't take rejection right now, and I would rather hide my love than risk whatever precarious relationship we. I just want him to be mine for however long we have left._

_Our relationship may have been doomed from the start, but I refuse to give up on us. Maybe tomorrow I will work up the courage to tell him...or the next day…_

_Surprisingly, writing this all down has managed to calm my racing mind a bit. It seems penning these poisonous thoughts onto paper leeched some of the consuming guilt from my brain, and it is now contained on this page. I have committed an atrocious act, but one day I will make up for it like Gerard said._

_If I give up now, then everything I have done has been for nothing, and I refuse to let that happen. I will carry on...for every angel in Heaven that still believes in me...for Mikey...for myself...but most of all, for Gerard._


	20. Entry Fifteen: Love will save you

**Entry Fifteen: Love will save you**

I was awoken by a much more cheerful Frank, I hadn't realized how much I missed his smile until it greeted me full force when I finally cracked my bleary eyes open.

I had been so exhausted lately, I assumed it was because I was still healing, but it seemed to be intensifying each day instead of lessening. I pushed it to the back of my mind though, we had bigger problems than my sleeping habits to worry about right now.

"Hey Gee, sorry to wake you, but we really need to move locations today. We should have gone last night, but well..." Frank trailed off at the end, and I knew he was embarrassed about his breakdown, even though he had no reason to be. He had seen me at my worst, and for once, I had been the one to catch him when he fell instead of the other way around.

"Do we have to go now...?” I grumbled like a petulant teenager. I knew he was right, and that it was dangerous to stay here now that one angel had come close to finding us, but this place had already been starting to feel like home, and I was reluctant to leave.

"Sorry baby, we do. I am going to go make breakfast okay?" I mumbled a reply before heaving my tired limbs out of bed.

After throwing on some clothes, I headed down to Mikey's room to tell him to get up for breakfast. When I didn't get a response, I pushed open the door, letting light flood the room to reveal my little brother still in bed, snoring softly. I was surprised to find him still asleep, back when I had been alive, he had always been the one up at the crack of dawn, trying to coax me out of bed with the promise of coffee.

"Mikes?" I shook his shoulder gently when he still didn't answer.

"Hey bro - get up, Frank is making food."

"Not hungry..." is what I think he said, but it was hard to tell since his face was still buried in his pillow.

"Oh come on. At least come get some coffee or something."

"No, I don't feel well..." he complained.

"Well okay…we will be in the kitchen if you want to join us. We are leaving today too, so pack up your stuff soon."

"Mkay."

I was beginning to get worried about my brother, he wasn't acting right, and I didn't want him falling into the depression I had suffered from when I first became a demon. I hadn't expected him to be super cheerful or anything, but I thought that once we ran away, he would start to see that not everything about being a demon was so terrible.

I had done my best to shelter him from the harsh realities of our situation, but he had still been through a lot, and I didn't know how to help him. Frank had been the lifeline that had pulled me back to shore, but I wasn't sure how to be one for Mikey when he wouldn't let me in.

My stomach rumbled when I entered the kitchen and saw Frank whipping up some delectable looking omelets. I had missed the taste of real food, and I still hadn't stopped looking forward to it. Now that we were on Earth, I actually felt things like hunger again, which made me feel one step closer to a normal human being, and not the monster I knew I was.

"I hope you’re hungry. I come from an Italian family, and I still have a habit of making way too much food," Frank grinned at me happily. It was such a relief to see him in a jovial mood. I knew deep down, he was still hurting, but the fact that he was putting on a brave face let me know he would be okay eventually.

"Starving actually." I gaped at the enormous amount of eggs Frank placed before me, he wasn't kidding when he said he made large portions, but it looked delicious, so I dug in eagerly.

"Wow - this is amazing!" I exclaimed after my first bite. Seriously, it was probably the best breakfast I have ever eaten, who knew that Frank was such a good cook?

"Really? Thank you! It's good to know that I haven't lost my touch after all this time." Frank beamed at me from across the table before attacking his own monstrous omelet.

"I could get used to this," I mused around a mouthful of food.

"Hmm?" Frank tried to ask, but he had too much food in his mouth to properly form words.

"You know...this." I gestured with my hands in an attempt to help my explanation. Frank nodded his head in understanding.

"I just wish we could stay here. I love waking up next to you, eating with you, just everything. I feel normal for once, and I don't want to lose that."

"I know Gerard...believe me, I wish we could stay here too, but eventually, we will find a place to settle down and call our own. It may take longer than we originally thought, but I promise you that one day, you will have your happy ending." My mouth curled up in a smile at his words. I couldn't wait until that day came...but it wouldn't be perfect unless Frank was with me.

"Are you going to stay with me? Once this is all over, and we are safe, will you still be here?" I rushed over my words in my nervous state. I didn't know what his answer would be, and it would kill me if he said no, but I had to prepare myself for the future.

"Of course! You are stuck with me now Gee, whether you like it or not." He giggled in that adorable way of his, and I felt myself falling a little bit more in love with him.

"So there is nothing else you want to do that I would be holding you back from?" My self-conscious side reared its ugly head again, but I had to make sure Frank wasn't just saying these things out of guilt.

"Well of course there are other things I want to do..." My heart dropped into my stomach for a moment, but I forced myself to keep listening to the rest of his sentence.

"...but I want to do all those things with you. I want to travel the world, and find the best cup of coffee known to man, and adopt thousands of dogs, but I want you by my side through all of it. You are the one who made me start dreaming again, so it wouldn't be the same without you."

My cheeks flamed a brilliant shade of red, and I couldn't think of a response that wouldn't completely embarrass me, so I simply circled the table and engulfed Frank in a bone crushing hug.

"Thank you..." I mumbled against his shoulder.

"I am so glad I met you Gee..." Frank's breath ghosted against my neck, making me shudder slightly.

I pulled back slowly, not wanting our small moment of intimacy to end, but knowing that we had a lot of packing to do. Frank seemed to read my mind though; he caught my chin in his tattooed fingers, effectively stopping my retreat.

I gazed into his eyes...god they were so gorgeous, I didn't even know how to describe them. For some reason, I was having a bout of shyness, after last night, I thought these would go away, but apparently not. Every muscle in my body screamed at me to lean forward and kiss Frank, but I remained frozen in place.

I watched as Frank inched his face closer to mine, and finally, whatever spell that had been holding me in place broke, and I closed the distance between our lips. His mouth seemed to be made for mine, we fit perfectly together like two pieces of a puzzle.

This kiss was different than all of the others, it was sweet and gentle, instead of the passionate make out sessions we usually ended up in. There was no tragedy hanging between us, and I wasn't overcome with desolation and desperation. For the first time, neither of us were out of our minds with sorrow and grief, and I could truly enjoy it.

I memorized the way his lips felt pressed against mine, the way our breathing synchronized and mingled together. We both broke away at the same time, I rested my forehead against Frank's and basked in the fuzzy feeling flowing through my veins.

I..." the three words I so desperately longed to say bubbled to the surface, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't force my tongue to finish my sentence.

"I am glad I met you too," I finished lamely.

Why couldn't I just tell him I loved him already? I didn't think he would reject me...he said he wanted me by his side for eternity. That is love right, but even though my damaged soul was healing, it still carried scars, and I couldn't seem to convince myself that someone like Frank could truly love me.

"Well we should start getting ready to leave," Frank said in a reluctant voice. I pulled him to his feet and began to help him clean up the kitchen and gather everything we would need for the journey.

\-------------------------------------------

We had been flying for a couple of hours now, making sure to stay hidden in the clouds since Mikey couldn't turn invisible like we could. It was cold at this altitude, and every now and then we would encounter a rain cloud and come out on the other side soaked to the bone.

I hoped we reached our destination soon, I was chilled and miserable, and I wanted to rest my tired wings. We were headed for an unpopulated area which Frank had picked out beforehand, it was secluded in the mountains, and since there were no humans around, there shouldn't be any angels or demons either.

Every few minutes, I glanced over my shoulder to check up on Mikey, he was steadily falling behind Frank and I, even though we were trying to regulate our pace. He had been in a foul mood when he finally woke up, and he had remained silent almost the entire day.

I told myself that when we landed, I was going to make him open up to me. He needed to know that he didn't have to shoulder whatever burden was bothering him alone, and I was going to be there for him no matter what.

A strong gust of wind reached us as we descended a bit to avoid another threatening looking storm cloud, and I noticed Mikey faltering in the air. Dropping back so I could keep a closer eye on him, I realized how pale and haggard his face looked. I was just about to call out to Frank that we needed to rest for a bit, when my brother went completely limp and began to fall rapidly downward.

"MIKEY!" My scream tore its way out of my throat painfully as I pushed my wings to their limit, chasing my falling brother.

Fear was choking me, and I couldn't think straight. Pulling my wings as tightly to my body as I could manage, I felt my stomach twist when I realized that there was no way I could catch him in time.

A steak of white whipped past me, and I slowed my descent as Frank barreled toward Mikey at a much faster pace than I could ever maintain. Even with terror gripping me, I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful Frank was when in flight. He seemed one with the air, and I couldn't imagine anyone more fit to be an angel than him.

Reaching out his arms, Frank managed to get a grip on Mikey's shirt, and I darted downward to help slow their descent. Wrapping my hand around Frank's, I lent him my strength, and together we stopped Mikey's momentum before he plummeted into the cliffs that loomed before us.

"Mikes...please wake up..." I cradled him in my lap once we landed on a convenient outcropping. Pressing a hand to his forehead, I hissed in surprise when I found his skin burning to the touch.

"Gee..." he groaned as his eyes fluttered open lazily. Relief flooded me when I heard his voice, but I still had to find out what was wrong with him.

"Hey - what happened?" I asked gently.

"I don't know...I was just trying to keep up with you guys...then I started feeling really dizzy. I don't remember anything after that."

"How do you feel now?" Frank asked in concern.

"Better...not great, but better than before. I haven't been feeling too well lately, I am sure I'm just tired is all," Mikey tried to reassure us.

"Well we are going to rest here for a little while, so just let us know when you feel up to flying again." Frank was looking at me as he spoke, and he jerked his head to the left once Mikey turned away.

Understanding his meaning, I helped my brother get a makeshift bed together before heading to the far side of the ledge where Frank had disappeared to. Mikey was still in my line of sight, but he wouldn't be able to hear us over the wind from this distance.

"I thought demons didn't get sick Frank..." I whispered once he was within earshot.

"They don't...at least, not that I know of. Ugh - but there is so much I don't know...maybe it's normal? I mean, I didn't study demon maladies...just how to kill them...but I have never heard of one falling ill before."

"What are we going to do? Do you think he will get better like a human would?" I wrung my hands in worry, I literally had no clue what was happening.

In all my months in Hell, I had never heard of anyone getting sick. I mean, we healed from almost anything, so germs shouldn't bother us right, but if it wasn't germs, than this could be something so much worse...

"I really don't know Gerard. I think all we can do right now is watch him. Once we get to our next base, he can rest up. If he still isn't better soon, then I will figure out something..." Frank moved closer to me and entwined his fingers through mine.

"I feel like a terrible brother Frank...Mikey kept telling me that he didn't feel well, but I thought it was just emotionally you know? I mean, I felt like crap when I first became a demon, so I assumed that is what he meant..." I sniffled.

"Don't say that Gerard. You are an amazing brother. As far as I know, this is the first case of a demon illness in history. There is no possible way you could have predicted this, so you shouldn't blame yourself."

"I just don't understand why something can't go right for us just one time..." I tried to hold back my tears, but they came tumbling down one after the other.

"Oh baby..." Frank pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed quietly against his chest.

He encircled me in his wings, just like all those months ago, and I began to calm down in the protective cocoon his white feathers created. I always felt safe in his arms, even when my entire world was falling apart around me. Wiping my eyes, I ran my fingers through the downy appendages that surround me and luxuriated in the feel of them.

"Frank - your feathers are darker!" I exclaimed in surprise. I was even more shocked when he quickly retracted his wings and backed away hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong...?" I ached at his retreat, especially because I didn't understand it.

"No you didn't...I was just hoping you wouldn't notice..." Now Frank's eyes began to water, and I became even more confused.

"They are still beautiful Frank."

"NO THEY AREN'T!" His scream caught me off guard, the sheer agony in his tone tore at my heartstrings, and I desperately ached to ease his pain, but I didn’t understand what was causing him such distress. Just when I thought I couldn't get any more bewildered, Frank collapsed to his knees and began sobbing bitterly.

"Shush it's okay..." I soothed him. I easily gathered his small frame into my lap and began rocking him back and forth softly.

"My wings...are darker because of my sins...because I killed Pete...I have to carry around a reminder of what I have done, and not a day will go by that I am allowed to forget." Frank choked out.

"Stand up," I commanded him in a stern voice. A look of puzzlement crossed his face, but he stopped crying and did as I asked.

"Now open up your wings." Frank gave me a stubborn look, but I simply arched an eyebrow at him and he complied. With a heavy sigh, he released his wings, and I stifled a gasp at their magnificence. I would never get tired of looking at them...

As if approaching a wild stallion, I slowly made my way closer to Frank, maintaining eye contact the entire time. Once I was directly in front of him, I reached out my hand and gently stroked one of his wings.

I truly looked at the "stain" and let him see me considering each supposed flaw in his perfect wings. I drew the tip of it to my lips and kissed it softly, causing Frank to shudder in what I hoped was a good way.

"Your wings are flawless Frank. What you perceive as sins, I see as the trials life has put you through. Each dark spot is a story, and it makes you the person you are today. It makes you the person I love...and I wouldn't change one feather about you." Oh my god - I had finally said it...I hadn't meant to, but it had slipped out. I met his eyes, expecting the worst, but instead, I saw pure joy shining out of his hazel eyes.

"You love me...?" Frank gasped.

"Yeah...I have for a long time now. I understand if you don't feel the same way, but I wanted you to know..." Frank cut me off by pressing his lips against mine in a passionate kiss. When we broke apart, he gathered my hands in his and pressed the back of each one to his lips reverently.

"I love you too...so much."

We spent the afternoon kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other as Mikey rested. I couldn't believe this was real, but if it was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. Even though we were far from safe, I found renewed strength in the fact that Frank loved me. I felt that no matter what the world threw at us, I could face it with my angel by my side.


	21. Entry Sixteen: A bitter pill to swallow

**Entry Sixteen: A bitter pill to swallow**

We stopped for the night in a sheltered cave, which was the best we could find for sleeping quarters. Frank assured us that there was an abandoned hunting lodge farther ahead, but I hadn't wanted to push Mikey any more today than we already had.

He had seemed slightly better after he rested, and the remainder of the flight had gone smoothly, but I was still worried. His fever hadn't broken, and he had refused all offers of food. At the moment, he was sleeping peacefully, which is what I should be doing, but I couldn't calm my mind, even though my body was exhausted.

I crawled over to where Frank sat near the entrance of the cave, wrapping a blanket around myself for warmth. He had volunteered to take first watch, but I might as well keep him company since I couldn't sleep.

He smiled as I approached, and I felt my own face break into a grin. I was still in awe over the fact that this perfect man loved me, I didn't think I would ever be able to think those words without an accompanying rush of warmth filling my body.

"Hey baby," he wrapped an arm around me and I snuggled closer to him.

"Is Mikey okay?" he asked.

"I am not sure...he seems a little better, but this whole sickness thing has me anxious."

"I know...hopefully it will pass quickly. What about you? Are your injuries healed?"

"Mhmm. They are just scars now. How are you holding up?"

"Fine actually, but you should be resting," Frank teased.

"I know, but how I am supposed to do that with you distracting me?" I smirked.

"I am just sitting here!" he exclaimed in mock protest.

"Exactly." I winked at him cheekily, which elicited a giggle from him.

We stayed silent for a few more moments, and I enjoyed the simple pleasure of the quiet night. Times like this were rare, and I soaked them up like a sponge.

"Tell me about your old life Frankie. I want to know what you were like before you became an angel."

"Hmm...well there really isn't much to tell. I lived a pretty normal life. I had loving parents and I was an only child, I always wanted a younger brother or sister actually. Seeing the bond you and Mikey have reminded me of that."

"They can be a pain in the ass sometimes," I joked.

"I am sure that is true, but I always felt like I was missing out. Anyway, I went to a private school, and I didn't have many friends when I was younger. It wasn't until I went to college that I began to come into my own. I joined a band called Pencey Prep, and it was the most exhilarating experience in the world. I always loved music, and being able to play it live was a dream come true."

"Oh wow - what did you play?"

"Guitar. I still pull it out every now and then, but I am not that good anymore."

"Oh shut up, I am sure you are amazing." I nudged him softly with my shoulder, and he grinned down at me.

"Well I will have to play for you sometime...if I can ever find an instrument that is."

"Definitely. Keep going baby, I want to hear more." I laid my head in his lap and he began to play with my hair absentmindedly.

"Well okay. Our band was doing pretty well, and I meet my girlfriend Jamia at a show. I loved her so much, and it seemed like everything was going wonderfully for me."

"You had a girlfriend?" I think I sounded more shocked than I meant to, but I had assumed that Frank was gay.

"Yeah I did. I always thought I was straight until I met you, but after I died, I started to realize that gender is so unimportant, and if two people love each other, then who cares if they are both boys? I love you for who you are - not your gender, and I would still love you, even if you were a girl, or trans, or maybe even a freaking horse or something…wow - I sound super creepy." He blushed slightly, and I laughed at his discomfort. It didn't matter what his sexual orientation was all those years ago as long as he loved me now.

"Okay - no more interruptions, I'm sorry." I settled back to listen to the rest of the story.

"It is almost over actually. I was driving home from her house one night, and it was storming really badly. My tires slipped, and I crashed headlong into a lamppost. My car was crappy, and the airbag didn't deploy, so I died on impact. I woke up in Heaven, confused as fuck, and that is pretty much it. I went back a few times to check up on Jamia and my parents, she was married and had three beautiful kids last time I saw her, and my parents seemed to be doing all right too," Frank sighed to himself as he finished his tale.

“Do you miss them?” I wondered.

“As callous as this sounds, the pain of being separated from them has pretty much faded away. I honestly hadn’t even thought about my old life until recently, so no, I guess not. Being an angel became my whole world, and I was at peace with my death. Now that I am talking about them, I do miss them slightly, but that was so long ago now.”

"How long ago did you die?"

"In a month, it will be eleven years ago."

"Then for the first time, I am glad I turned into a demon when I died."

"What? Why?" Frank gave me a befuddled look, and I smiled at his confusion.

"Because I wouldn't have met you if I hadn't." I internally cringed at my own cheesiness, but the smile that lit up Frank's face made it all worth it.

"Aw love." I shivered slightly as the endearment feel from his lips, and he pulled me even closer to him.

"Maybe everything does happen for a reason," I whispered.

"That is a nice thought," Frank agreed. I was beginning to doze off in his embrace, when he suddenly jolted to his feet, depositing me onto the rocky floor in the process.

"Frank? Is everything okay?" I asked. He continued to stare out into the darkness before finally turning back to me.

"An angel is calling me...a friend I think. I have to go meet him."

"But what if he has come to kill you like Pete?"

"No - they wouldn't have sent him. He isn't a warrior..." His words sounded convincing, but I glimpsed a shadow of doubt in his eyes.

"Fine, but let me go with you. If anything happens, I want to be there to help."

"What about Mikey?" Frank argued.

"He will be fine. If things go to shit, we can rush back here and defend this position easily. You are sure it is just one angel?" A look of concentration appeared on Frank's face, and after a minute had passed, he nodded.

"There is no one else around for miles, but just to be safe, I will call him down out of sight of the cave,” he assured me.

"Okay - I'm ready."

"I just want you to do one thing, stay hidden until I tell you to. Brendon shouldn't be a threat, but I never told him about you, and I don't want him panicking at the sight of a demon.” I gulped softly as I imagined an enraged angel descending on me in all his righteous fury.

"Fine by me, but if he makes one wrong move, I will be right behind you." A horde of angels couldn’t keep me from protecting my love.

"Thanks Gee." Frank smiled before extending his wings, and I did the same. We flew a short distance away from our hiding place before touching down in a wooded area.

"Keep back in the trees. He will sense you presence, but I will explain it to him." I nodded in understanding and ducked down behind a leafy bush. I could still see Frank through the foliage, and I was close enough that I would be able to hear any verbal communication that occurred. Right now, it seemed as if Frank was speaking to the other angel mentally...I wished we could talk to each other that way.

Now that I had nothing to do but wait, my nerves began to take effect. Frank may trust this angel, but I wasn't so sure...Pete had been his friend too, but the archangels had completely brainwashed him.

This whole plan began to seem worse and worse as the minutes ticked by. I knew Frank could handle himself, but if he was forced to kill another of his brethren, it might break him...and I couldn't bear to see that happen.

I swore to myself that if this turned out badly, I would be the one to kill the angel to save Frank the pain.

Just when my feet were beginning to get numb from the cold, the rush of wings reached my ears, and I turned to stare in the direction Frank was facing.

I closely examined the angel that was quickly winging his way toward us. He had medium length brown hair, and from what I could tell, he appeared tall and lanky. His feathers were whiter than Frank's, but smaller too, making me wonder if wing size had anything to do with rank or not.

When he landed in the small clearing, I noticed that he had black square framed glasses on as well. He didn't seem like a fighter, but I refused to lower my guard. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he launched himself toward Frank, and I extended my claws in preparation, but instead of attacking, he pulled Frank into a tight embrace.

"Oh my god - I thought I was never going to find you!" he laughed as Frank returned his sign of affection. Even though I knew it was stupid of me, jealously coiled in my gut. I should have been happy that this Brendon was truly an ally, but instead, I just wanted him to leave.

"Brendon - what the hell are you doing here?" Frank questioned happily.

"Well I get one day off a month to go visit Ryan, but I decided to come find you instead. You left your maps out when you exited the library, and it didn't take a genius to figure out where you might go."

"Oh shit - does anyone else know?" Frank asked worriedly.

"I put everything back as soon as I realized what you were doing. As far as I know, nobody in Heaven has any idea where you are right now.” He beamed like a puppy that had successfully performed his first trick.

"So they didn't manage to turn you against me too?" The guarded hope in Frank’s voice was evident to me, and Brendon seemed to notice it as well.

"They tried, but I have already learned not to trust the archangels. I have to say, the whole you running off with a demon thing isn't exactly helping your case, but if you trust him, then he can't be that bad." I saw Frank visibly relax, and I was glad that not every angel hated him, even if deep down, I felt like an overly possessive teenage girl with a new boyfriend.

"Speaking of him, he is actually here right now. Can I call him out?" Brendon nodded and Frank glanced toward my hiding place.

Taking the hint, I stood up as my basically frozen feet protested angrily. Not knowing what to say, I simply walked over to Frank's side and waved shyly.

"Gerard - this is Brendon. He was a good friend back in Heaven, and it seems like he still is," Frank smiled as he finished the introduction.

"Well you don't look too evil. In fact, if I wasn't taken, I might snap you up myself," Brendon chuckled, and I felt myself blushing bright red.

"Shut up Bren!" Frank laughed, and I had to repeat to myself over and over that this guy already had a boyfriend, and it didn't matter if Frank had a nickname for him.

I fell into the background as they continued to catch up. I wished I wasn't such an insecure mess, but now that it wasn't just Frank and I against the world, I was beginning to have serious doubts.

What if Brendon wanted to come with us? I mean, we could use all the help we could get, but I didn't know how I would deal with that. I was fully aware that I was being an idiot, but this guy was so much more compatible with Frank than I was.

For one, he was an angel too, and he seemed so easy going and carefree...unlike my moody and depressed self. I sank deeper into my own destructive thoughts until Frank snapped me back to the present by slipping his hand in mine.

"You okay Gee?"

"Yeah sorry, I just zoned out for a second."

They continued to talk about that seventh prophecy that I still didn't understand why it was so important, and someone named Ray was mentioned many times. Then the topic was changed to how out of control the archangels had gotten in the small amount of time since Frank had left.

"They are literally making everyone sign in and out whenever they want to go anywhere. Even the demon hunters travel with an archangel now so they can’t slip off once their assignment is completed. Free days basically don't exist anymore, I only got my time to see Ryan because I had my original release note from God himself,” Brendon sighed with irritation.

"Won't Ryan be worried when you don't show up?"

"I saw him briefly before I set out looking for you. I explained to him what was going on, and he basically shoved me out the door," he laughed heartily.

"Still, I feel awful that you wasted your free day chasing after me.”

"I just wanted to let you know that you aren't friendless in Heaven. Ray and I are still searching for a way to clear your name, and hopefully I will be able to keep you filled in on what's happening upstairs. He is also helping me get into the warerooms to look for the prophecy. We haven't had any luck yet, but I will let you know if we do. They won't let Ray out on his own, because they know how close he was to you, but they will never suspect me. I will just have to keep our visits to once a month, so they will assume I am with Ryan." I huffed softly to myself at the thought of having to see Brendon again, but thankfully Frank didn’t notice.

"You don't know how much this means to me. Just be careful okay? Tell Ray the same thing. I don't want you two getting into trouble all because of me."

I wish I knew who he was talking about…I felt like the new kid at school with all of these strange names and places being talked about as if it were common knowledge.

"It's not just us Frank, something isn't right in Heaven, and we aren't the only ones who have noticed it. Everyone else was just too afraid to say anything, but now that you spoke out, it was like a catalyst. Ray knows a few other who aren't comfortable with the way the archangels have taken over either, but we haven't let them in on all our secrets yet. They are up in arms over your death warrant though, and once we make sure they are trustworthy, they are going to be joining us. Everything has gotten so fucked up that more are flocking to our side by the day. Just know that you have a core of supporters, and we are going to help you in any way that we can." He clasped his hand with Frank’s, and I swear, you could see the steam rising from my head.

"That is such a relief. I was so terrified that everyone would hate me after I left. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear this."

Hearing the poignant gratitude in Frank’s voice calmed me down a bit…he truly did need this after Pete’s death, and I shouldn’t begrudge him this much deserved balm to his internal wounds.

"We have your back Frank. Just stay alive until we can find a way to do something about this madness," Brendon assured him.

"I will."

"Well the night is almost over, and I need to get back soon. Do you have any idea where you will be staying a month from now?" I mentally cheered at his statement, even though I was being ridiculously childish, I couldn’t seem to make myself care.

"We are going to hide out in an abandoned lodge about forty miles north of here. If we can stay undetected for that long, then it should be easy to find us. If not, then we will probably head south, but I can't say where for sure yet."

"At least this time I will have an idea of where to look. I was worried I was going to run out of time before I found you. I swear, I flew halfway around the world tonight!"

"Sorry about that...we are trying to hide though," Frank grinned sheepishly.

"Well it was nice meeting you Gerard." Brendon held out his hand to me, and I shook it, glad that he was finally leaving.

"Wait - before you go...have you ever read anything about a demon getting sick before?" Frank questioned. I could have smacked myself for not thinking to ask that question earlier, but I had been too wrapped up in my jealous thoughts.

"No...why? Is Gerard sick?"

"It's his brother Mikey. He seems to be running a fever, and earlier today he passed out. I have never heard of anything like it before, and we are both getting worried."

"As far as I know, demons don't get sick, but when I get back, I will read everything we have on them. I am not too learned in demon lore, since I never expected to meet one, but if it's somewhere in the library, I will find it."

"Thank you Brendon," I spoke up for the first time all night. If he could find a cure for Mikey, I would be indebted to him, no matter how much I detested his and Frank's friendship.

"Okay - I really need to go. Stay safe guys." With one final wave, Brendon flew off into the rapidly lightening sky. I heaved a sigh of relief at his exit, I didn't care if I was being obnoxious, I was just glad to see his back.

"Everything all right baby?" I plastered on a fake smile and nodded.

"Yeah - I just want to get back to Mikey." We returned to find my brother still fast asleep, and I curled up by the fire gratefully. Frank was too excited to sleep, so he assured me he could hold his watch post for a few more hours.

"So that went better than I could ever have imagined." Frank was giddy with happiness, and I tried to share in his joy. I really wanted to be ecstatic for him, but I had too many fears now.

Putting the whole Brendon thing aside, if there were angels in Heaven that were trying to clear his name, that meant Frank could potentially leave me. A part of me desperately wanted him to go back home...he deserved it...but the selfish side of me ached to think of losing him. If he returned to Heaven, then I would be alone again...even if he came and visited me, it wouldn't be the same.

Could our relationship survive if he was no longer a renegade? I hated myself for thinking this way, but now that it had been brought up, I couldn't banish it from my head. Once he was surrounded by his friends and loved ones, would he still remember me...

"Mhmm," I mumbled into my pillow.

"I know I shouldn't dare to hope, but maybe in a few months, this will all blow over." I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. I knew I was being rude, but I didn't want to talk about this right now.

"Gee?"

"What Frank?" I sighed.

"What's wrong? I though you would be happy that we have some allies?"

"I'm fine...just tired," I lied.

"Oh okay...sorry, I will let you sleep." The note of hurt in his voice stung me.

Ugh - why was I being such a freaking asshole? I debated apologizing to Frank, but in the current mood I was in, I would probably just end up making it worse, so I stayed silent. I just needed time to get over this petty bitch fest. My mind knew that this was a huge asset for us…I just couldn't seem to convince my heart.


	22. Entry Seventeen: The friction in my jeans

**Entry Seventeen: The friction in my jeans**

It seemed like I had barely closed my eyes before I was being shaken awake by Frank. I groaned in protest and tried to bury my face in the pillow, but the little bastard began to tickle me relentlessly.

Usually, I would have loved this attention from him, but I was still in a foul mood, and I shoved him off a little rougher than I intended. He hit the floor hard, and even though he tried to cover it up, I saw the look of fear and pain his eyes.

"Frank - I'm sorry..." I tried to apologize, but he simply turned his back on me.

"It's fine," he said, but I could tell by his tone that he didn't mean it.

With a heavy sigh, I began to pack up my things, and Frank did the same. The silence that filled the cave was smothering me, but I didn't break it, and neither did Frank.

Once I was ready to leave, I woke up Mikey and made him eat some bread, even though he insisted that he wasn't hungry. I refused to budge until he ate, and eventually he gave in begrudgingly. Frank had disappeared, and I hadn't asked where he was going.

I didn't know why I was acting like such an asshole, but I just wanted to be left alone until I figured out what was wrong with my fucked up head. A few minutes later, I heard the sound of wing beats, and Frank reentered the small cave.

"The coast is clear. If we leave now, we should get to the lodge before nightfall." He didn't look at me as he spoke, and my heart twisted painfully. Mikey shot me a questioning look, but I pointedly ignored it. I had really fucked up this time…

I shouldered my bag, and Mikey's as well, before unleashing my wings which looked crippled and hideous next to Frank's majestic set. He launched himself off the ground, and I followed in his wake, making sure to keep an eye on Mikey. He seemed better today, but I wasn't letting him out of my sight after yesterday’s scare.

As I flew, I found myself admiring the scenery, which was something I hadn't done in ages. The sun was just beginning to crest over the mountains, causing the snow to glisten and shine underneath us. The effect was mesmerizing, and I wished I could just sit and enjoy it, instead of having to flee to another supposedly safe haven. I was just so tired of running...of being afraid...of having no place to call home.

But I had so much to be grateful for. Mikey and I were alive and free from Lucifer's clutches, and I was in love with the perfect man...so why was I so unhappy? It wasn't just Brendon's visit that had me so shook up, and I knew it.

Now that I had time to think about it, I realized my irrational jealousy of Brendon had been completely misplaced. I should have been over the moon that this complete stranger was willing to help out my brother and I without expecting anything in return. Plus, he was taken, and I couldn’t go around seething at every angel that happened to be friends with Frank.

My mind always seemed to do this to me, whenever I had found some form of happiness, it would plague me with what ifs and worst case scenarios until I ended up ruining everything. Back when I had been alive, I had pushed almost everyone away because of my inability to just enjoy someone else's company. I always wondered what they wanted from me, or when they were going to leave me, and it would end up eliminating any chance I ever had at a healthy relationship.

It didn't help that my thoughts were usually right. All my life, people had seemed to tolerate me to get what they wanted. It started out small, a classmate would pretend to be my friend just to get help on their homework, and then once the class was over, they would never speak to me again. Numerous girls tried to suck up to me in hopes that it would get Mikey to notice them.

Even my one and only boyfriend had just wanted me for sex, and when I refused to put out, he had left me so fast, I knew he never truly cared about me. So can you blame me for always assuming the worst? Mikey was the only one who stuck by me, no matter how much I pushed him away.

Oddly enough, this was the first time it had happened with Frank though, because what could an angel possibly gain from a demon? I had never once considered that he would actually return my feelings for him, but now that he did, I was reverting back to my old bad habits.

He was the only person besides my brother that I had truly been at ease around, and now I had ruined that too. Ever since he told me he loved me, I had been terrified of losing him, and it was beginning to drive me crazy.

If I didn't find a way to quiet my dark thoughts, I was going to drive him away, just like I did to everyone else, and I couldn't bear that. I swore to myself that when we reached our destination, I would try my best to explain all of this to him...hopefully he would forgive me.

Now that I had decided on a course of action and my mind was at rest, I enjoyed the remainder of the flight. I didn't even realize we had arrived until Frank suddenly banked left toward what appeared to be a sheer wall of rock and snow. It seemed like we were going to crash into the cliff face, when a ravine opened up, and a small wooden house suddenly came into view.

It seemed cozy and cheerful, even though it had obviously been untouched for years. This appeared like the perfect hiding place, and I hoped we would be able to stay here for more than a few days.

We had to scrape away a few couple feet of snow before we were able to open the door, but once we were inside, I instantly felt safe. The lodge was filled with rustic furniture, and a large fireplace dominated the living room. It was surprisingly warm in here, and I shed my heavy coat gratefully. As I poked around, I found a small kitchen and a bathroom, as well as a suite of rooms up a flight of rickety stairs.

"So what do you think?" Frank asked.

"It's wonderful," I grinned at him, trying to show with my actions that I wanted to make amends.

"As long as it has a bed, I don't care." Mikey giggled. It was such a relief to hear him joking around again, even though his eyes were sunken in, and he still hasn't caught his breath from the flight here.

"I am going to go claim the least dusty room." Mikey bolted up the stairs, and I watched him go with fond smile.

"Are you hungry Gee?" Frank asked aloofly. He headed toward the kitchen, and I followed behind him determinedly.

"Starved actually." I could tell that Frank hadn’t forgiven me. I didn’t really expect him to yet, but I couldn’t stand the rift between us any longer. I had to do something to fix it…apologizing would probably be a good start.

"Well let's see what I have to work with here." As Frank poked through the various cabinets while studiously ignoring my gaze, I gathered my courage and decided I had to talk to him now before I lost my nerve.

"Frank - I'm so sorry for the way I have been acting."

"It’s okay, you were just tired.” His tone was casual, but I could hear how hard he was trying to force it.

“No I wasn’t - I was being a complete dick, and I need to apologize. I always do this, and this time, I am not going to let myself ruin another relationship. I have a lot of issues, and trust is one of them. My entire life, I have never had anyone truly love me just for me…I have been used, and abused, and it has seriously messed me up.”

“It’s really okay Gerard.” Frank interrupted, but I didn’t want to stop there.

“But it’s not, and I am trying to make it right. When I saw you with Brendon…all my insecurities flared up, and that’s why I started shoving you away. I am terrified that if you return to Heaven, that you will realize that you can do so much better than me. No matter how much I love you, I will always be a demon, and that will never be good enough for you. At first, I thought I was just jealous of yours and Brendon’s relationship, but then I realized it wasn’t who he was to you, but what he was…what you are." Frank tried to say something, but I was on a roll now, so I barreled onward.

"God - I wish that I was an angel so I would be worthy of you. You deserve someone that can stand proudly by your side, and lift you up instead of dragging you down. I hate the fact that I have made your brethren turn against you, they believe that you are a bad person because of what I am. I would do anything to change that, but I can't. I just wanted you to know that if I could, I would -" Frank silenced my rambling by pressing his lips against mine in a forceful kiss.

“Is that really why you have been acting so off?” Frank asked me when we finally pulled apart.

“Mhmm…I know I have treated you terribly, but I seem to shut down when I am hurting or afraid, and I am trying not to do that with you. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around why you love me. You had the whole world, and you threw it away for a worthless demon like me.”

“God Gerard - if only you could see yourself the way I do. If it takes me the rest of my life, I will prove to you how much I need you…starting now.” With those words, Frank pushed me up against the closest wall and began to ravage my mouth with a passionate kiss. I lost myself completely in his touch, letting him drive the last dredges of my doubts into the corner of my mind.

Frank's tongue slipped into my mouth, and I let out a moan while wrapping my arms around his neck. This is exactly what I needed right now, Frank’s kisses made it impossible to think about anything else besides the amazing sensations he made me feel.

The kiss was heavy, and hot, but fuck - I needed more. I was impossibly hard already, and when Frank’s leg slid between my own, I grinded myself shameless against him while his tongue continued to plunder my mouth. His hands had found my waist, and he pulled me even closer to him as I groaned loudly.

“Bedroom…” Frank gasped out before grabbing my hand and dragging me upstairs.

We busted into the first door we reached, and luckily we didn’t pick the same room as Mikey. Frank shoved me back down onto the bed before reattaching his mouth to mine, and I lost myself in his kiss. Eventually, Frank’s lips left mine and began to trail down my neck, nipping and biting the entire way. I clutched his shoulders tightly as soft moans fell from my mouth.

“Frank - I need you…” I was cut off by Frank palming me through my jeans, and I swore my heart was going to explode from the sensations. I was more turned on than I had ever been in my entire life, and Frank had barely touched me.

 _“Ahh…”_ I gasped as he tugged my zipper down while he continued to lavish my neck with his tongue.

His hand slipped into my boxers and began to move up and down my swollen cock at an agonizingly slow pace. My head fell back against the dusty mattresses and I clutched the sheets with both hands.

“ _O-oh_ my god…” I hissed as Frank removed my jeans completely before returning to the area of my body which ached for him the most. I wanted him so badly, it physically hurt.

“Frank… _please_.”

I didn’t know what I was begging for, but when Frank lowered his head down to the tip of my cock, I almost cried at the intense feeling of his hot mouth swallowing around me. His hands pressed down onto my hips as they bucked upwards, trying to sink deeper into his wet heat.

He stared up at me with lust filled eyes as he took even more of me into his mouth, and a burning pool of pleasure began to form in my belly. He pulled up slowly, using his tongue to massage my head as obscenities poured from my lips.

“How does that feel?” he asked in a broken voice once he had pulled off completely.

“So fucking good…” I gritted out as he began to use his hand again. My back jacked up off the bed and I hissed loudly.

“God - you are beautiful.” Frank purred, but before I could answer, his mouth was wrapped around me once again, and it was all I could do not to scream in ecstasy.

 _“Oh!”_ I gasped out as I felt an invasive pressure that quickly turned to ecstasy. I moaned loudly as Frank pushed his finger even deeper inside me, and my toes began to curl from the pleasure.

“Don’t stop…” I whispered, because my voice was failing me as his fingers continued to move inside me, brushing my prostate just enough to drive me crazy.

I couldn’t control myself any longer, and I began to thrust into his mouth as he continued to fuck me with his fingers. I whined desperately, and he responded by moving faster, knowing I needed more. I became completely undone under his tender ministrations, my body was strung so tightly, I knew I was going to break at any moment.

When Frank moaned around my dick, the fire in my belly reached an unbearable height, and I came down his throat without warning. He rode out my orgasm with me, not stopping until my shaking had ceased and I had collapsed limply onto the bed. He kneeled on the mattress with his erect dick in his hand, and as I watched he began to stroke himself, still to fuzzy from my recent orgasm to move.

“Do you see what you do to me Gee?” he groaned as his head fell back, and I couldn’t resist the temptation of his tattooed neck. I began to suckle the scorpion eagerly, and his hand moved even faster.

“I can’t get enough of you… _oh fuck_ …I need you.” I dropped to my knees and removed his hands out of the way before taking his rigid dick as deep as I could.

“Fuck Gerard - I’m not gonna last long…” He began to thrust into my mouth, and I let him, lavishing the underside of his cock with my tongue as he grabbed my hair for better leverage.

 _“Ahh…”_ Frank hissed as he began to spill into my mouth, and I swallowed it all eagerly. Watching him come undone above me was almost enough to get me hard all over again. He gathered me in his arms before falling onto the bed and curling up against my chest.

“I love you…” he whispered in my ear, and I hummed in contentment.

“Seriously Gerard, I mean it. I will always love you…no matter what happens. I won’t let you drive me away.”

“I love you too Frankie…I always will"

We fell asleep in each other’s arms, and for once, I was completely content.


	23. Entry Eighteen: Infinite hope and finite disappointment

**Entry Eighteen: Infinite hope and finite disappointment**

The following month flew by and dragged out all at the same time. We quickly settled into our life in the mountains, and I was relatively happy. Besides the need to travel long distances for supplies, it was a perfect sanctuary.

No demons or angels had managed to find us, and for once, I was able to relax for a time. It was magical living a domestic lifestyle with Frank. Simple things like cooking and cleaning became new and exciting to me because I had someone I loved to share them with.

Most of my doubts about our relationship had flown away, and I was allowing myself to enjoy my time with Frank. He constantly reassured me with actions or words that he loved me, and he wasn't going to leave me, and I was finally starting to believe him.

He seemed genuinely happy in my company, and I stopped doubting every little thing and began to accept that Frank truly wanted to be with me. It was such a weight off of my chest, and I reveled in the feeling of being loved by someone.

Everything would have been flawless if Mikey had been healthy. For the first few days, the rest and lack of physical exertion seemed to have helped, and he was his old self again, but then his illness had taken a turn for the worse, and each hour that passed caused him to deteriorate even further.

I had tried every remedy I could think of, but nothing worked. Frank had even tried to heal him, but it was all to no avail. Now he lay bedridden, his small frame shrunken even further by the terrible fever and his inability to keep food down. I was counting down the days until Brendon returned, and I refused to think of what would happen if he hadn't managed to find a cure.

Another worry was my own health. I had been starting to feel under the weather myself, but I had hidden it from Frank and Mikey. They had enough on their plates to worry about, and I didn't want anything to ruin the newfound happiness I had discovered with Frank

But it was getting harder to ignore as the days passed. I was always exhausted, even if I did nothing but lay around all day, and I never seemed to be able to get enough sleep. Food was starting to make me nauseous more often than not, and I spent the time after most meals throwing up. I had begun to lose weight, and it was starting to worry me. I was nowhere near as bad as Mikey though, so hopefully it would pass.

Another morning dawned, and I sat by my brother’s bedside, pressing a cool towel against his sweaty forehead. Frank had gone out to get some more food and another batch of medicines that would probably do nothing, but we still had to try. It was killing me to see my brother in such a state. I felt so helpless...he should be enjoying our time of peace and tranquility, but instead, he was forced to sit here and suffer.

"Gee?" he croaked out brokenly. I hadn't been aware that he was awake, and I jolted upward at the sound of his voice.

"Hey Mikes..." I tried to put on a cheerful tone, but it failed miserably.

Mikey looked so frail in the pile of blankets I had heaped around him. Even though his skin was burning up, he had insisted that he was cold, so I had raided the house searching for things to keep him warm.

"God - I feel like shit..." he croaked tiredly.

"I know...we are doing everything we can, and Brendon should be here later tonight. He will know what to do."

"I'm sorry...I don't know what's wrong with me...I hate this."

"Don't be sorry. You will pull through soon, I know it."

"Mkay...Gee - I'm still cold."

"Well scoot over then." I climbed into Mikey's bed, being careful not to jostle him too much. Settling down next to him, I pulled him to my chest, and I felt him relax against me."

"Thanks bro," he mumbled before drifting off to sleep again.

This was just like old times back when we were both alive. When Mikey was younger, he had always preferred to sleep in my bed, even when he got older, he would still wake me up when he had a nightmare or an especially shitty day. My eyelids began to droop, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep listening to Mikey's breath rattle in his chest.

\-------------------------------------------

I was awoken roughly by an excited Frank, and even though I had just rested for several hours, I felt as if I hadn't closed my eyes for more than a second. My body ached painfully, and I had to fight back the urge to snap at Frank rudely.

"What time is it?" I questioned him groggily, trying to get my bearings.

It was dark outside now, and there was no way I could have slept that long. Maybe another blizzard had blown through while I had been out?

"It's almost midnight Gee, I came home and you were knocked out, so I decided to leave you be."

Midnight...but that would mean that I had slept for almost fourteen hours? Something was obviously wrong with me, and it was beginning to become impossible to ignore.

"Fuck me..." I groaned sleepily.

"Not now love, Brendon is here!" Frank teased, and I swatted his arm playfully while trying to hide my flaming red face.

We may have done a lot of things, but I was definitely a virgin, and I still blushed like one. Frank of course found this hilarious, and he bent over clutching his stomach in a fit of giggles. I buried my face in the pillow in embarrassment, and I had almost closed my eyes again when his words finally penetrated my foggy brain. Brendon was here! I jolted up quickly and tossed the covers aside.

"Did he find a cure?"

"I don't know. I came to get you first, he only just arrived."

After quickly checking on Mikey, who was still sleeping soundly, I bolted down the stairs so quickly I almost ran headlong into Brendon, who had apparently been about to head up.

"Oh my god - I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be cutie. You guys were taking forever up there, so I was just about to go see if you could keep your hands off each other for two seconds so I could tell you my exciting news." My face began burning again, and my mouth hung open as I tried to formulate a reply. Now I knew where Frank got his dirty mind from...

"Brendon be nice, he just woke up," Frank laughed.

"I can't help it, he makes it too easy!" he fake pouted.

"I'm still here you know!" I exclaimed loudly, which only caused them to smile wider.

"I know baby, how could I forget that. He is right though, you blush at everything, and it's adorable."

"I am not adorable, I'm grumpy!" I mocked indigence and stormed to the couch.

If this had happened during my last encounter with Brendon, I would probably have been seething with jealousy, but I had grown much more comfortable in my relationship with Frank, and I was actually enjoying this playful banter, much to my surprise.

"Well then I guess you don't want to hear my big news." Brendon shrugged nonchalantly, and I squealed in protest when he began walking to the door. He turned around and flashed me a wink before coming back and sitting in the chair opposite me. Frank flipped over the back of the couch and landed in my lap, causing me to emit a soft _“oomph”_.

"So what did you find?" I prodded when Brendon stayed silent for a few moments.

"I found the cure...but there might be some complications with it."

"And what might those be?" I was basically bouncing in my seat by this point, but Brendon paused dramatically before continuing.

"Well to properly tell my story, I have to start from the beginning." I grumbled to myself in annoyance and settled back down to listen.

"He is a drama king, so be patient," Frank whispered in my ear.

"Hey - I heard that!" Brendon stuck his tongue out and I had to choke back my laughter at the childish antics.

"You were meant to," Frank chortled.

"Well anyway...if all the rude interruptions are over with, I will explain what I found. So first of all, you guys should know that our faction of supporters is rapidly growing. The more the archangels attempt to take over, the more people flock to our side. We number in the hundreds now, and new members join every day."

"Hundreds of angels support my decision?" Frank gasped.

"Mhmm. To be honest, it's mostly just the newbies, and the ones who have always had a problem with the archangels, but it's better than nothing. Anyway, since we had so many bodies, Ray and I had the ingenious plan of hitting all the locked warehouses at once, instead of doing it one by one and risk getting caught multiple times. I was certain the information I was searching for had to be hidden away, because I didn't find anything about demon sickness in the Holy Library. Also, I noticed that more of the books had disappeared from the shelves, quite a few pertaining to Hell. The archangels probably aren't used to having a keeper of the word with such good memory, so they assumed I wouldn't notice."

"Never underestimate a pissed off librarian," Frank chuckled under his breath.

"That's right! So a week ago, we set our plan into motion. We got Vic and Kellin to fake a sighting of you, and a large majority of the archangels rushed off in pursuit. We kept the others busy with a wave of proposals which we knew they would shoot down, but it didn't matter as long as they were preoccupied. The rest of us broke into every warehouse we could find that had been warded, and copied down anything that seemed important."

"What did you find out about Mikey's illness?" I interrupted. This story was fascinating and all, but I needed to know if my brother could be saved or not.

"I was just getting to that. We found a book about the effects of leaving Heaven - or Hell, for too long. Apparently, we are kept alive by the essence of our homes, and beings that spend too long away fall ill, and eventually die. The longer you have spent in either place is directly related to how much time you have on Earth. Since Frank has been in Heaven for basically eleven years, he could survive for quite a while here, but the same isn't the case for you and Mikey. I know you have only been a demon for six months, and Mikey for even less time than that. He got sick first because his store of Hell's essence is basically nonexistent. I'm actually surprised you haven't been feeling any effects Gerard, because according to the book, it takes a year to build up a strong supply of essence."

"Actually I have..." I shifted my feet uncomfortably.

"What do you mean babe?" Frank's eyes shot up toward me, and I flushed with shame.

"I've been feeling off...I can never seem to get enough rest, and I have been really nauseous lately, just little things like that. I didn't want to mention it because we had so much else going on."

"You should have told me," he admonished gently.

"I'm sorry."

"I just don't understand how none of us could have known about this side effect? I mean, shouldn't this be common knowledge among most supernatural beings?" Frank questioned.

"I assume at one point it was, but now it is very rare for this to happen since angels haven't actually lived on Earth in centuries, and I don't think Lucifer has ever let his demons leave Hell for too long. I am not surprised that Lucifer hid the knowledge, because he is a notorious hoarder of secrets, but why the archangels did, I don't know. There are obscure cases where certain guardian angels have been unable to leave their clients sides, and to counterattack this, God made a serum called Verium; one can sip will replenish an angel's life source for a time without them having to return to Heaven. It's very difficult to make, and it is all locked away, but I managed to grab a vial during our warehouse break in. I don't know if it will work on Mikey since he is a demon, but it's worth a shot...." Brendon explained.

"What if it doesn't work?" I asked fearfully.

"Well there is a backup plan, but it's not pretty."

"Well let's go try this serum, and if it doesn't work, we will hear your other option," Frank suggested.

"Okay, but don't get your hopes up. In everything I read, I couldn't find a single instance of this being used on a demon, so it could hurt more than it helps."

"Desperate times..." I mumbled to myself. Brendon rummaged in his bag and emerged with a clear sparkling liquid in a glass jar.

"Maybe I should test it first, just in case it really does something bad. I don't want to put Mikey in danger." Brendon shrugged and handed the vial to me.

"Are you sure about this baby?" Frank grabbed my hand after I uncorked the bottle.

"I'm stronger than Mikey right now, and I don't see any other option."

Reluctantly, he removed his hand from mine, and I lifted the liquid to my lips. It smelled like fresh tilled soil on a rainy day mixed with something else I couldn't quite place. Before I could second guess myself, I took a small swig from the bottle and swallowed hastily. It didn't taste anywhere as good as it smelled, a bitter flavor stuck to my mouth, and I was tempted to go get some water to wash it out.

"So...do you feel anything?" Brendon asked.

"No - not yet..."

"Hmm...it's supposed to work instantly. The book said you should be feeling a strong sense of vitality and strength by now..."

"Maybe it takes longer to work on demons?" I was going to say more, but I was suddenly overcome with wracking pain so strong, I couldn't even breathe. I doubled over on the couch, groaning in agony.

"Gerard?" Frank's frantic voice reached my ears, but I couldn't respond, because I knew if I opened my mouth, I would scream.

Soft whimpers fell from my lips as Frank rubbed my back soothingly. My stomach twisted, and I vomited all the Veruim I had drunk, along with whatever else I had eaten, onto the floor. Once I stopped heaving, the burning agony was gone almost as soon as it had come, and I sat up, wiping a few tears from my eyes hastily.

"Well that's our answer..." I gasped out shakily.

"Fuck baby, don't scare me like that again..." Frank gathered me into his arms, and I snuggled deeper into his embrace. My limbs ached as if I had run a marathon, and all I wanted to do was rest.

"So what do we do now?" I turned my gaze to Brendon who was still observing me worriedly.

"That means we need to get into Hell...Lucifer also produced a serum called Livian, even though I don’t know why because he never gives it out to his demons. There was a report I found in which an angel team discovered a body of one which had been out on assignment too long and had died of natural causes. I don’t even know if he still makes it anymore…the book I found was hundreds of years old, but it is the only cure for Mikey. It is very similar to Verium, except is it supposed to be yellow in color. That's all I know..."

"Wait...I have seen that before! Bob and I got drunk one night, and we were poking around when we discovered a room full of strange objects, and I remember seeing bottles of yellow liquid. The storeroom was guarded, but Bob was fucking the girl in charge of it at the time, so she let us in. If we can just get there, I remember the exact location."

"But Gee, how are we going to do that? Brendon and I are angels, and you are on Hell's most wanted list at the moment. We can't risk it."

"What are you talking about Frank? If we don't do this, Mikey will die, and I won't be far behind. I refuse to give up now, not after all we have been through. I'll find a way."

"If Lucifer catches you, then you will wish you were dead. I can't lose you...there has to be another option," he argued back.

"We are out of time Frank. We don’t the luxury of weeks to think of a better plan, so we are just going to have to risk it."

"Can't we just talk about this for a minute?" Frank pleaded.

"There isn't anything else to talk about. I'm going and that's final."

"Let me go instead. Angels have snuck into Hell before…" I could sense his argument getting weaker, and I pushed on steadfastly.

"You don't know where the serum is, and if they caught you, they would kill you on the spot."

"So you are allowed to risk your life and I'm not?" Frank’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears, but I refused to let that sway me.

"You have already done more than enough for Mikey and I. This time, I need to be the one to do this. I have the best chance of making it out alive, and you know it."

"Let’s just sleep on it and we will discuss it more in the morning,” Frank begged.

"I'm not going to change my mind."

"I..." We were interrupted by a thud coming from Mikey's room, and I immediately rushed upstairs, begging my weakened legs not to give out on me now.

When I threw open the door, I found Mikey thrashing around on the ground while muttering quietly to himself.

"Mikes?" I sprang to his side, picking him up and holding him in my lap so he wouldn't hurt himself on the hard floorboards.

His limbs twitched violently, and I had to use all my strength to keep hold of him. His eyes snapped open and darted wildly around the room.

"Don't let them get me...please..." he whispered brokenly before clutching to my shirt for dear life.

"Nobody is going to get you Mikey. It's just me - your brother okay?" His convulsions eased, but he was still trembling erratically.

"What happened?" Frank kneeled down beside me and helped me lift Mikey back into bed.

"It's the hallucinations..." Brendon answered from the doorway.

"What does that mean?" I was afraid of the answer, but I had to know.

"It's one of the signs that his essence is running out...if we are going to get the Livian, it has to be soon. He doesn't have much time left." Tears welled in my eyes, and Frank had a stricken expression on his face.

This couldn't be happening...I refused to lose my brother this way. I would do anything in my power to save him, and if that meant risking death, or worse, by returning to Hell, then so be it.


	24. Private Angel Log Entry Six

**Private Angel Log Entry Six**

_I haven't had a need to use this journal lately since everything has been going so wonderfully for me, but I should have known that it couldn't last. Gee was right...nothing ever goes right for us. Are we doomed to suffer one tragedy after another until it breaks us past the point of repair?_

_I'm so scared of losing him...I can't go on without Gerard in my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true, but he won't change his mind...we argued all night, but he refused to budge on anything. Gerard is going to sneak into Hell, and I have no say in the matter._

_The logical side of me knows he is actually right...I wouldn't have a chance against the hordes of demons in Hell, but I would much rather face them than risk losing Gerard forever. That doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I think of everything that could possibly go wrong._

_I want to scream at something - or someone to fix this. There has to be another way to save Mikey that doesn't involve Gerard throwing his life away. I can't think about this anymore...it's killing me, and he hasn't even left yet._

_I might as well record the conversation that occurred between Brendon and I. It will keep my mind distracted, and he imparted to me some things that I do not want to forget._

Gerard elicited to stay with Mikey just in case he had anymore hallucinations, so Brendon and I went back downstairs so we wouldn't disturb them. They both needed rest, and I could relay whatever was said back to Gerard later.

My heart felt like it was residing in my feet already, and I wasn't sure I wanted to listen anymore, but Brendon had assured me that I would want to hear the rest of his news. He was probably right, but how was I supposed to focus on anything right now when Gerard had just announced that he was going to return to the place we had tried so hard to extricate him from?

"Frank - you okay?" Brendon laid a friendly hand on my shoulder.

"No..." I sighed softly as I met his worried gaze.

"I'm sorry the Verium didn't work...I was so hopeful that it would, I didn't even really consider that we would have to use the other option."

"It's not your fault Bren. You have done more for us than we deserve. I just...fuck - I can't let him go back there. He is basically walking into his death, and I can't stand by and watch him do that." Tears stung my eyes, but I choked them back. Once I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"You really love him, don't you?" Brendon asked in a wondering voice.

"Yeah I do...more than I ever thought it was possible to love a person."

"Well I never thought I would see the day when you fell head over heels for anyone," Brendon chuckled.

"I didn't mean to...it just happened. He is my other half. When I am around him, everything is better somehow. I don't even know how to describe it."

"You don't have to, because I feel the same way when I'm around Ryan. That's true love Frank, and that doesn't happen often. You are one lucky man," he grinned at me.

"I really am, but that's exactly why I can't let him go. If something happens to him, I will break..." A sob interrupted me, and I broke off my sentence before I lost it completely.

"That's the rough thing about being in love. When you find that person that completes you, losing them is always a possibility, but if you don't let him go, his brother will die, and he won't be able to live with that either. It's a lose-lose situation."

"I'll find another way...I'll convince him to let me go or something. I don't know what, but I'm not giving up without a fight," I answered determinedly. Brendon gave me a sad look, telling me without words that I was grasping at straws, and deep down I knew he was right.

"Just be careful Frank. If you refuse to let him go, he might end up resenting you, and that could drive him away. I know you don't want him in danger, but if you go yourself, then you are putting him in the same position you are right now. He could potentially have to watch you die, and his brother as well."

"I didn't think about that..." I mumbled softly.

"Well you guys will figure something out. I wish there was another way..." Brendon pulled me into a tight hug, and I couldn't contain my tears any longer. Sobbing pitifully against his shirt, I let my sorrow overtake me.

"Let's change the subject...what else did you have to tell me?" I attempted to pull myself together for the short amount of time I had left with Brendon.

"We found it." A smile split his face in two, and I knew there could only be one thing that would bring him that much joy.

"The seventh prophecy? Really? You're shitting me!" I exclaimed loudly.

"I kid you not, but before you get too excited, it isn't exactly what I thought it would be."

"What do you mean?" I couldn't keep hope from lacing my tone of voice. This was the best news I have heard all night, and I needed something to distract me right now.

"Well it's weird...not like a usual prophecy. It's more like a poet’s drunken ramblings actually. I have no idea why they hid it from us, because it made no sense to Ray and I, but maybe you will find something we didn't." He dug in his bag for a minute before emerging with a crumpled piece of paper.

"Is that it?" I gasped.

"Mhmm. I copied it down word for word." He handed me the tattered page, and I eagerly devoured the words with my gaze.

 _Nature dawns clear and bright_  
_Two worlds separate_  
_All starts to fall_  
_Gold is tarnished and darkness comes_  
_-_  
_When gold becomes stained_  
_Darkness hides light_  
_One choice to make_  
_Disaster or new life_  
_-_  
_Can gold reveal light_  
_Can darkness polish gold_  
_True love can renew all_  
_Or destroy every living soul_  
_-_  
_When they unite_  
_A chance will arise_  
_One final stand_  
_One sacrifice_  
_-_  
_Two becomes one_  
_Or two can break_  
_This is the end_  
_Or is it the beginning?_

I raised a quizzical eyebrow at Brendon, and he just shrugged in return. He wasn't kidding when he said this wasn't a traditional prophecy. Never before had I read one that was written so vaguely, and in such a poetic form.

Usually a prophecy is decently straightforward. It may be confusing in the way that it doesn't explain who it applies to, or when it will occur, but this was the oddest one yet.

"Are you sure this is the seventh prophecy of Joshua?" I questioned. I knew Brendon wouldn't have made such a big mistake, but I had to hear him say it again.

"That's it all right. We found the original book which contained this, as well as the pages that had been torn out of the other copies. They all matched word for word...not that it does us any good."

"I just don't understand what this is? This doesn't seem like something the archangels would have to hide. It doesn't make any sense..."

"So I guess you don't have any miraculous insights then?"

"No I don't...but the archangels must have figured it out, or they wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret. It definitely sounds grim...but it could literally apply to anything. It could be the start of another war, or the apocalypse, or something we haven't even considered yet."

"I just want to know why us knowing about it was such a terrible thing? They trust us with all the other works of the prophets, but not this one." Brendon's brow furrowed in thought.

"Then...it must have something to do with angels directly. I mean, if it was a prophecy applying to humans, then I doubt they would have gone to such great lengths to make sure no one saw it," I thought out loud.

"Yeah - you must be right...it sounds like it is speaking about one angel if you read it with that in mind."

"The angel could be the gold...or the light, but he only mentions light once, so I doubt it is that one, but it says two people...two angels - or something else?"

"Why couldn't Joshua have just written out what he meant in plain writing and saved us this headache?" Brendon grumbled.

"I don't know, but if the archangels can figure this out, then we can too. I will show it to Gerard later. Maybe he will have some ideas that we didn't think of."

"I can't wait to hear them, but unfortunately, I have to get going." I glanced out the window at the rapidly lighting sky, and realized he was right. If he wasn't back in Heaven by morning, the archangels would get suspicious, and he might have his visiting rights taken away.

"I wish you could stay longer..." I wasn't ready to lose his company, especially when everything was becoming so rocky. Brendon's quick humor and carefree nature calmed me down, and I needed that right now.

"I know, I am tired of all this sneaking around...but I will be back next month. Ray and I will keep trying to translate this and look for a better way to save Mikey. If we discover something, I will find a way to send you a message, but by the looks of him, you have a little over a week before he will need the Levian…so don't wait on me please. I know you and Gerard will find a way to save him."

“Wait…before you go…does everyone in Heaven know about Pete? That I…killed him?” I choked out.

I had wanted to bring this up during our last meeting, but I had chickened out at the last second. Time was lessening the ache in my heart whenever I thought Pete’s name, but what I had done still plagued my dreams on occasion. Maybe talking to Brendon about it would bring me one step closer to the closure I so desperately needed.

“Oh…yeah Frank, they do.”

“Then how can anyone possibly still be on my side. Why don’t they all hate me?” I felt tears forming again, and I cursed myself for crying so much tonight.

“Pete was asking for it. You didn’t see it, but he had been on a power trip for a long time now. He had made a lot of enemies among the ranks in his attempt to get closer to the archangels, ratting people out, that kind of thing. When you took off, the archangels promised him a promotion if he could bring you back, dead or alive, and he became obsessed with finding you. When he didn’t come home, it became pretty obvious what had happened. I know you Frank, I know you wouldn’t kill another angel unless you absolutely had to, and Pete wasn’t himself lately...nobody blames you for what happened okay? We all know you only did what you had to do.” Brendon’s words were a balm to my heart, but I knew he was still leaving something out.

“And Patrick? How did he take it?” I pressed on.

“Well…” Brendon stammered over his words, but I wasn’t letting him avoid the questions.

“Just tell me Bren, I can take it.”

“He disappeared…no one has seen him since Pete’s death, but he just needs some time to mourn Frank,” he sighed dejectedly.

“Oh god - Patrick…if he ever comes back, tell him I am so sorry. I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but I still want him to know.”

“Please don’t beat yourself up over this Frank. You were protecting yourself and the people you care about. Patrick will understand once he gets over his grief.” Brendon’s tone was optimistic, but I knew if I were in Patrick’s position, I wouldn’t be able to move on so easily.

Just thinking about it sent a shudder racing throughout my entire body, I knew if something ever happened to Gerard, my last act on this earth would be to seek his killer down and bring him to justice.

“Thank you for telling me the truth. I’m sorry I kept you…you should get going.” I pushed down my guilt over Pete and tried to fake a smile. I had already retained Brendon for much longer than I should have, and it wasn’t his job to comfort me.

“It’s okay, I have gotten a lot faster at flying lately, so I should make it with plenty of time to spare.”

"Stay safe Bren." I pulled him in for a parting hug, and he returned the embrace.

"You too Frank. I will be praying for all three of you."

With teary eyes, I watched my friend fly off into the clear grey sky. My head was whirling with a thousand thoughts, but I had to deal with one thing at a time, and first on that list was trying to talk Gerard out of throwing his life away...

_I don’t want to write down the following conversation between Gerard and I…it will only serve to make me even more upset, and that is the last thing I need right now._

_He doesn't understand how much I need him...when I continued to argue against his suicide mission, he became furious with me. He claimed that I was being selfish, and I didn't care about Mikey at all if I wouldn't let him go._

_That's not true...Mikey has become like my own sibling in the short time I have known him, and I would do anything to help him heal...besides lose Gerard. He is my world now...why can't he see that? If he dies, so do I..._

_What do I do? If I refuse to let him go, he will probably just sneak out anyway. I can't expect him to sit here and watch his brother die, but on the other hand, how can he want me to do the same thing with him?_

_He finally agreed to wait five more days before heading out, but he said if no message had come in that time, then he would have no choice but to attempt to break into Hell._

_When I offered to take his place, he continually shot me down, saying that sending me would be akin to walking in front of a firing line. I know he is right...I don't know where the serum is, and as soon as the demons catch a whiff of an angel, they will be on me in droves..._

_So is that our options now? I die or he does? It seems like it..._

_Gerard is convinced he won't fail, but I am not so sure. I think he just can't let himself imagine the possibility that he might not succeed, because if he doesn't, then Mikey is condemned to die. I know he won't let his brother go without a fight, but one demon against the legions of Hell are not odds that I want to bet on._

_Deep down though, I know I won't be able to make him change his mind. I don't want to fight with him anymore. If he is really going to do this, then I want to soak up every moment I have left with my love. I can't waste another second, because I might not have many remaining._

_Gerard's upstairs right now with Mikey while I sit downstairs crying softly on the couch. I want him to walk down and comfort me...I need to feel his arms around me so I can pretend that everything is okay, but he hasn't come to check on me, and I don't know if he will._

_I am going to go apologize to him...Brendon was right, if I keep this up, I will just push Gerard even farther away. I just need to forget about all of this for as long as I can._

_I want to lose myself in his kisses and have the heat of his touch burn away all my fears and doubts. Please forgive me Gerard, for loving you so much that I would do anything to keep you by my side…_


	25. Entry Nineteen: Arguments and Apologies

**Entry Nineteen: Arguments and Apologies**

_I can't believe I am actually going to do this...I must be fucking crazy. If someone had told me yesterday that I would attempt to break back into Hell a few months after I had worked so hard to escape from there, I would have laughed in their face._

_But I never imagined I would be confronted with this situation, and I would do anything for my brother...even sneak back into the one place on Earth that I never want to see again._

_I acted so sure of myself in front of Frank, but I am literally terrified. I had to though...if I show even one crack around the shield which hides my emotions from him, then he will break through and convince me not to go._

_I can't let that happen. If I don't go, Mikey will die for sure, and what kind of brother would I be if I just stood by and let that happen?_

_Okay - I need to think about how I am going to do this...Mikey doesn't have much time, and I can't just waltz into Hell and ask politely for the Livian, even though seeing the look on Lucifer's face might make it worthwhile. Getting in undetected will be difficult, but not impossible, I can cover my face, but they will need some form of identification or paperwork._

_The gate guards are pretty stupid, the lowest of all demons get assigned that duty since it is monotonous and no one wants it. If I can whip up a convincing document, it shouldn't be too hard to slip past them as long as no one recognizes me. I will have to go into town and find the supplies, hopefully it has an Office Depot or something similar to that._

_Once inside, I will have to move quickly and keep out of sight. If luck is with me, I can find Bob, and he can distract anyone we run into, if he is even willing to help me again that is. He is a great guy, but requesting him to risk his life for the second time is a lot to ask of anyone._

_Fuck I don't even know if he managed to escape detection from my escape! Everyone knew we were friends, and the hellhound obviously didn't open the gate to the city itself. I hope he is okay..._

_So with or without Bob, I have to find a way to get the serum. My only hope for that is that Bob is still fucking the girl who guards it. If not, I'll have to pretend to be an elite demon since they are the only ones allowed access to the storerooms. Add another paper to forge to the list...oh god - this plan has too many opportunities for disaster._

Footsteps on the stairs interrupted my thoughts, and I realized that I could no longer hear the soft cadence of voices downstairs. Brendon must have left without me noticing...I wanted to thank him for trying his best with the Verium, but I'm sure Frank had expressed my sentiments.

"Gee?" Frank called out softly before pushing open the door to Mikey's room.

"Yeah - I'm in here." I gently disentangled myself from Mikey's gangly limbs. He had been sleeping soundly for a while now, which hopefully meant that the hallucinations had ceased for the time being.

"How is he?" Frank asked once I had slid the door shut behind my slumbering brother.

"Better than before, but I don't know how long he is going to be able to hold on..." I kept the agony of seeing my brother in such a state buried deep inside my heart, if I let it bubble to the surface, I would become a useless wreck, and that wouldn't help anyone.

"I'm so sorry about this Gee...if I had any idea that leaving Hell would make him so sick, I would have never convinced you to escape." Frank rested a comforting arm around my shoulders, and I snuggled into him gratefully.

"It's not your fault, it was my idea to make a break for it in the first place. I should have considered the fact that there would be unforeseen consequences before I took such a leap of faith. Now I am paying for my mistake by having to return to Hell," I sighed dejectedly.

"Maybe you should think of everything that could go wrong this time before you barrel into Hell guns blazing." Frank voice was light, but I could tell it was faked. I should have known this argument wasn't over, but I had hoped he would have accepted that there was no other option available for us.

"Frank - please not now..." I groaned wearily.

"Then when Gerard? I know you, and if I don't say something now, then you will be gone before I get the chance. Please just hear me out for a moment okay?" His begging tore at my heartstrings, but I refused to give in to him. I could not let him talk me out of this, or Mikey would die...and that was something I couldn't live with on my conscience.

"What do you want me to say? Oh okay - I won't go pursue the one chance I have to save my brother just because it is dangerous! Is that what you want to hear?" Anger was rising in me now, and I welcomed it. As much as I didn't want to get upset with Frank, it made me feel stronger, and I needed any help I could get right now.

"No...I'm not saying we give up, but we can still pursue other options. I am not trying to undermine you, but you are jumping into this, and I think we need to talk this out."

"Hell - maybe I am, but you heard Brendon. He only has a week - if that, and you want me to sit here and look for another way to save him, when we have an answer already? That's just stupid Frank, and you know it!" I snapped back, a bit harsher than I had intended to.

"Calm down baby, please. I'm not trying to upset you."

"Oh really, because that seems exactly like what you are doing? Are you so selfish that Mikey means nothing to you?" I knew I had gone too far when a pained expression flashed across Frank's face, but the fury was flowing through my veins now, and I couldn't seem to control what was coming out of my mouth.

"You know that isn't true...I want to help him. Fuck - I am willing to go to Hell myself to save him, I just don't want to lose you in the process," Frank choked out.

"You going to Hell would be like sending you blindfolded in front of a firing line. Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm going and that's final?"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T JUST STAND BACK AND LET YOU DIE! Fuck - do you know how it feels to watch helplessly from the sidelines, knowing you can't do anything to save the people you love? Do you have any idea how much it tore me apart when I found you barely alive after that demon caught you? I could hear you crying out for me, and I was so terrified that I wasn't going to get to you fast enough. That was the worst moment of my life, so don't you dare ask me to go through that again Gerard...please?" His screams faded into a soft whimper, and I felt my anger at him dissipating like smoke in the wind.

"Frank...I'm sorry, but I have to do this. I don't want to hurt you, but what else am I supposed to do?" I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I was worried he wouldn't want me to touch him right now.

"Just give me five days, if you love me at all, you can do that much at least. Brendon is searching for some other way to help Mikey, he might be able to find a safer alternative."

"Fine...five days," I agreed quickly, eager to end this pointless argument. Frank nodded swiftly before turning on his heel and stomping back downstairs.

Once I was sure that he was out of earshot, I collapsed to the floor, trying to muffle my sobs as much as possible. Fuck - I was such an idiot...why did I talk to him that way?

Frank was all I had, and he didn't deserve to be treated in that manner by anyone, especially not me. I had lost control of myself once again, and my demon nature was going to prove to be my undoing. I hated that portion of my anatomy so much, I wished I could physically tear it out of my own body.

In a crazed fit of sorrow, I began clawing at any exposed skin I could find, digging my fingernails into my wrists hard enough to draw blood. I didn't know what I hoped to accomplish, but I detested myself so much in that moment, I just wanted to feel some of the pain that I had inflicted on Frank.

I don't know how long I remained in that position, frantically trying to cause more damage to myself before my body healed, but I was interrupted by a sleepy voice calling out my name.

"Gee?" Hearing Mikey sounding so lost and afraid instantly snapped me out of my psychotic state, and I was on my feet in an instant.

"Hey Mikes - you okay?" I asked as I pushed his door open softly. He was sitting up in bed, looking disheveled but aware.

"Yeah - I just heard shouting, and then...I don't know, I guess I got scared." He blushed faintly, and I was vividly reminded of a younger version of Mikey crawling into my bed late at night because a bad dream had awoken him.

"I'm sorry we woke you. Frank and I were talking, and it got kind of heated," I mumbled.

"What were you fighting about?" His gaze pierced through me, and I knew I couldn't lie my way out of this one.

"Well we found a way to cure you...but it involves sneaking back into Hell." I decided a simple explanation was best, and I could see Mikey's brain turning over this new information.

"Do you think there is a chance of you making it out alive?" was all he said.

"I really do...I mean, I know it's a long shot, but if anyone can do this, it’s me, and I'm not giving up on you bro." I braced myself for his rebuttal, but what came next surprised me.

"I'm not going to try and talk you out of this, because I know that look, and it means your mind is made up, but you have to promise me that if things get bad, that you will get out while you still can. Don't throw your life away in some hero’s bid to save me. If it works - great...if not...well I'm glad I got to see you one last time before the end." Tears welled in my eyes at his words, and I choked them down with great effort. I had cried enough for one night.

"I'll make it back Mikes. I'm your big brother, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Promise me Gerard...I want to hear you say it."

"I promise," I whispered so quietly I wasn't sure if he heard me or not.

"Thank you. Now go apologize to Frank, because I'm sure he has already forgiven you for whatever stupid shit you said." I chuckled softly at how well my brother knew me.

"Okay I will. Just call me if you need anything."

"I'm just gonna go back to sleep so you two can fuck in private," Mikey grinned cheekily.

"Oh god - seriously, I don't need my little brother speculating on my sex life..." I groaned as my cheeks flamed bright red.

"If I didn't tease you, what sort of younger sibling would I be? Now go on get your man!" Mikey basically shoved me off the bed, and I retreated out of the room before he embarrassed me even further.

I paused at the top of the stairs, trying to gather the courage to take the first step. I wasn't as certain as Mikey was that Frank had forgiven me...I had treated him abysmally, and he would be perfectly in the right to be furious with me.

Straining my ears, I picked up a faint sound coming from downstairs...was that a sob? My angel was crying because of me. Pushing all of my doubts out of my head, I rushed down the creaky steps as fast as my feet could take me, which resided in my second near collision for the night.

"Gee?" Frank grabbed my wrist to stop me from falling forward on my face. He had been heading up at the same time I went down, and I had almost bowled him over in my haste.

"Frank - I'm so sorry...please forgive me." I gasped out.

"I should be the one asking that. I shouldn't have fought with you..."

Gazing into his hazel eyes, I was overcome with how much I loved this beautiful angel. He had seen me at my lowest, and still he stood by my side. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect man, and I wanted to show him how much he meant to me.

Words didn't seem sufficient for this situation, so I pressed my lips against his instead, hoping he would understand everything I wanted to say through this simple action.

Frank hummed into my mouth, and I felt his body relaxing against mine. Wrapping my arms around him, I drew him even closer, deepening the kiss in the process. His lips moved against mine in an endless dance, and I swear I could kiss him forever.

"Wow..." Frank whispered as he pulled his mouth away from mine before he began nipping softly at my neck.

"I love you so much Frank..." I gasped out as he continued to lick and suck at every inch of skin he could find.

I was seconds away for stripping Frank on the stairwell, so I scooped him up in my arms and hurriedly made my way to our bedroom before I lost control of myself completely. He giggled against my chest at the position I had him in, causing me to lean down and press a kiss to the top of his dark hair.

My sleeves hard rolled up, and I felt Frank's body tense up the moment his eyes found my wrist, the angry wounds I had made had already healed to faint red lines, but they were still visible. I waited for Frank to say something, but he simply leaned down and placed his lips against the fading marks in a tender gesture of love.

My heart swelled up at his ministrations…his lack of judgment was a balm to my soul, and once again, I thanked whatever deity had graced me with this perfect man.

With a bit of repositioning, I managed to jiggle the door open without dropping Frank, the cute little shit could have helped me, but he was enjoying watching my struggles too much to bother. I dropped down onto the bed with Frank still on top of me, and he used the position to his best advantage by leaning down and reattaching our lips.

His tongue lapped against my bottom lip, and I granted him the entrance he demanded. He kissed me as if we had all the time in the world, and I felt myself slowly becoming drunk off the pleasure he induced in my body. I wanted to make him feel this sensation, so I flipped our positions, straddling his waist and grinding down until he let out a strangled moan.

 _"Oh god..."_ he hissed as I slowly inched my hand into his loose sweatpants, wrapping my fingers around his already hard cock as I continued to kiss him fiercely.

I loved feeling the heat and weight of him in my palm, knowing that I was the one making him squirm and gasp underneath me was a head rush. I continued to stroke him slowly as I moved my mouth down to his jawline, finally making my way to his ear and nibbling on his sensitive lobe.

"Stop teasing me - _please_ ," he cried out as he thrust into my hand.

"Just be patient baby," I cooed, but I replied to his request by pulling his pants even further down and lowering my head to his straining cock.

He shuddered when my breath came in contact with him, and as tempting as it was to draw this out, I couldn't resist leaning down and tasting the sweet precome from this sensitive head. A strangled gasp left him in a rush, and I pushed myself farther down, emboldened by his reactions.

Before long, he was a writhing mess above me, and I smiled around him; I loved seeing him this way. He was so beautiful like this, his pupils blown with lust and his black hair plastered to his forehead with sweat.

My own dick was aching and desperate for attention, so I slipped my free hand down my pants and began to stroke myself in time with my movements around Frank. It was insane how aroused I was just at the sight of Frank coming undone because of me. I moaned around his cock, and his hips thrust up into my mouth. I took him as far back as I could, unable to contain my humming as he touched the back of my throat.

"Fuck Gee..." His fingers tangled in my hair, and the added stimulation pushed me right up to the edge.

I bobbed up and down quickly as my hand brought me even closer to my own release. Frank's moans filled the otherwise silent room, and when I pulled up and licked his slit, I felt his entire body tense up.

" _Oh god_ \- I'm so close..." Taking his full length back into my mouth, I felt Frank's legs begin to tremble before he was spilling heavily down my throat, his hands gripping onto my hair for dear life. Hearing his soft cries was too much for me, and I released all over my hand, moaning softly as I swallowed every lost drop before removing my mouth from Frank.

"So how's that for an apology?" I chuckled cheekily before pressing a chaste kiss to Frank's cheek. He grabbed my face in his hands, bringing my lips to his, ignoring the fact that his taste was still on my tongue.

"I should get mad at you more often," he giggled in that adorable way of his.

"I really am sorry though Frank. I'm not saying I won't go, but I am willing to talk it out with you, and try to find another way. We still have five days."

"Thank you Gerard, you don't know how much that means to me." The smile that split his face caused a pleasant warmth to grown in my belly. I quickly changed out of my soiled pants so I could join him in the bed.

Pulling his shorter frame against my chest, I let out a sigh of contentment, he seemed to fit against me like we were two puzzle pieces waiting to be reunited.

"Sleep now baby. We will figure everything out in the morning." He mumbled an agreement before pulling the blankets over us and snuggling even closer to me.

I watched him as his face slowly relaxed, and his breathing fell into the deep pattern which meant he had drifted off. I meant what I said to Mikey earlier...I did think I had a chance to make it back home. I had to, not only for his health, but because I had this perfect angel waiting for me, and I couldn't let him down.

With the promise of Frank’s loving embrace to fuel me on, there was no way I could possibly fail.


	26. Private Angel Log Entry Seven

**Private Angel Log Entry Seven**

When I first met Gerard, I rejoiced over the return of emotions that I hadn't realized I had been missing out on, but now I would do anything to have them taken away from me until he returned. I felt empty, terrified, pathetic, and he had only been gone for a few hours.

I hadn't realized how dependent I had become on him until now, and it hurt more than I had ever imagined to be separated from him. I had tried to keep a positive attitude over the past five days, but now that I was alone, I felt as if I was drowning in a tidal wave of despair.

I wanted to believe that he would return to me - fuck, he had to, but the fact that he might not had me spiraling into a seriously messed up state of mind. I couldn't seem to remember how to function like normal, I spent hours wandering around the house, trying not to break down crying before I gave up and locked myself in the bathroom so Mikey wouldn't hear my sobs.

I had long since cried myself out, now I was just lying on the cold tile floor as the shower water flowed around me, symbolizing the tears I had run out of. I didn't have the strength to stand up, even though the water was running cold, and in the back of my mind, I realized that I was extremely uncomfortable.

I found a strange beauty in the sad picture I presented; a worthless angel grieving over his demon lover, trying to drown his emotions with water like that would actually change anything about the way I felt inside. It almost seemed as if I was in my own personal bubble of despair, with nothing but the sound of falling water and my harsh breathing to keep me company.

I just didn't have the energy to get up and keep on faking my way through life without Gerard by my side. What was the point? I might as well just stay here until he returned, or until it became apparent that he never would.

I didn't know what I would do if he didn't...I owed it to Mikey to try and find some other way to save him, but if I knew how to do that, then I wouldn't be in this situation. At the very least, I would give him a proper funeral, Gerard would want me to do that if he wasn't able to.

Fuck - I am already thinking like he is dead, I can't do this to myself, but my brain seems determined to self-destruct, and I don't have any say in it. Someone seriously needs to invent an off switch for emotions, because I would pay a shit ton of money for one of those.

All I can think of is how I am going to end it if Gerard dies, I could storm Hell and take out as many demons as possible before they overwhelm me in some sort of sweet revenge for Gerard, or I could confront the archangels, they would put me to death for my sins, but I might be able to be the catalyst that gets them overthrown and makes God notice how fucked up everything has gotten in Heaven during his absence.

I wonder where he is...it's obvious he isn't present on Earth, because he would never turn a blind eye to the archangels power trip for this long, but as far as Brendon knows, he hasn't been seen in months.

A loud knock on the door interrupted my skewed thought pattern, and proved to be the motivation I needed to drag my shivering body off of the freezing floor. After slipping on some pants and running a towel through my soaked hair, I warily walked downstairs.

In any normal circumstances, I should have been on high alert, no one but Brendon was supposed to know about this hideout, so the fact that there was someone here right now couldn't be good news, but I was too fucked up to care if it was a horde of demons at the door, at least that way I would have something to distract myself with for a little while.

It wasn't demons though - if my senses were still functioning properly, and it wasn't an angel either; as far as I could tell, it was just an ordinary human. Probably some poor hiker or crazy ski enthusiast that got lost and wants a place to crash for the night. I debated just ignoring them until they went away, but curiosity had driven back some of my despair, and I wasn't eager to fall down into my depression again so soon.

Against my better judgment, I opened the door a crack and peered at the bundled up figure shivering on the porch. It was impossible to ascertain his features under all the winter wear, but he looked young, and he was definitely male. When I was assured that he wasn't some psychotic killer - not that a human could kill me anyway, I stepped out into the cold next to him, not wanting him inside with Mikey.

I am sure I was quite a sight, standing outside in the negative temperatures with nothing but a ripped up pair of jeans for protection, but the cold didn’t affect me nearly as much as it did humans, and I couldn’t be bothered to care about this random stranger’s opinion of me. If he thought I was crazy, that would probably work in my favor anyway.

"You lost?" I asked brusquely, not really in the mood for small talk.

"Nah - some dude paid me a hundred bucks to give this letter to you, and he basically threatened to kill me if I took the money and ran, so yeah - here I am." He held out a slightly crumpled envelope with Brendon's familiar handwriting on the outside.

Damn - I can't believe Brendon threatened this kid, but I guess he didn't really have many other options when it came to messengers, I just didn't know he had it in him to appear malicious.

"Thanks. Do you need anything or...?" I knew I was being rude, but I didn't want this teenager in my house eating all our food and possibly disturbing Mikey. Apparently another side effect of being separated from Gerard was that I became a complete asshole.

"Nah man, my snowmobile's down there, I am just gonna drive back into town, and don't worry, that other dude told me to forget that I was ever here, so I won't mention it to anyone." This kid’s dialect was seriously getting on my nerves, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I wouldn't have to house him for the night.

"Okay - thanks again." I watched him descend the porch steps, and I didn't head back inside until I could no longer see his obnoxious purple snowmobile on the horizon.

After checking to make sure that the noise hadn't awoken Mikey - which it hadn't, I sank down onto the couch in the living room with Brendon's letter in my hand. The envelope had gotten a bit wet, from the snow I imagined, but I could still read it easily.

 _"Read immediately when you receive this"_ was splayed across the front, and my heart seized in my chest at the words.

What if Brendon had found another way to save Mikey, and Gerard had gone to his probable death for no reason. Tearing open the damaged envelope carelessly, I devoured the contents of the letter like a starving man presented with food for the first time in ages.

_Frank..._

_I'm so sorry to tell you this, because I know it won't help now, but I found the formula to make Livian._

_Unfortunately, it takes 18 days for a batch to be ready, which Mikey doesn't have, but if Gerard succeeds, then you won't have anything to worry about in the future._

_The ingredients are as follows:_

_Two crushed nightflower petals_  
_Rain that hasn't touched the earth_  
_Fresh honey (from a beehive)_  
_A handful of pine needles_  
_A pint of angel blood_

_According to the book, you just mix it all together in a glass jar and let it sit for eighteen days. I found the information from a tome we stole from Hell on a raiding mission ages ago, so it should be accurate. I will bring you some more Verium on my next visit, so you will be prepared if we can't see each other for a while._

_Speaking of my next visit...it might be sooner than expected. Things are getting bad in Heaven, and the archangels are beginning to get suspicious of our group. Angels have been going missing, and we don't feel safe here any longer._

_A few of us are going to try and sneak out the precious documents we have found to your place since it is a safe location. We can't lose all our hard work, and it's obvious that it's only a matter of time until they find our hiding place in Heaven._

_I don't know what to do Frank. The archangels have completely taken over, and God is nowhere to be found. They are riling the angels up, trying to convince them to incite a full on war with Hell._

_If this was just another raid, I wouldn't be too worried, but this is bigger than that. I think this is going to turn into something that not even the humans can ignore. We want no part in this power contest, so most of us are probably going to desert soon._

_I just need to find out where they are keeping the angels that have disappeared, I know they are holding them somewhere, and I refuse to leave them behind. So basically, don't freak out if a couple hundred angels show up on your doorstep sometime in the near future._

_I am praying for Gerard and you, if prayers even mean anything with God apparently MIA..._

_Stay safe._

_Brendon._

_P.S. According to the book, Livian is extremely addictive, so when Gerard gets back, make sure Mikey only drinks a small amount, or else he will become insanely dependent on it. One swallow should do the trick, maybe two if he doesn't respond right away. Leave it to me to almost forget the most important thing to tell you until the end._

_Okay - goodbye for real this time. Don’t forget you are not alone in this._

Well I wanted a distraction, and Brendon's letter definitely fit the bill. I didn't know what to focus on first: the relief that Gerard hadn't gone to Hell in vain, the worry over the poor state of affairs that Heaven had fallen in, or what my own role in all of this would be if the angels did indeed desert?

It was too much for my already overwhelmed mind, and I just wanted to run away from the world and live out life with Gerard somewhere that the reaches of Heaven and Hell could never bother us, but I wouldn’t do that, these angels were my brethren, and they needed my support in this. I just couldn't believe the archangels were actually considering an all-out war on Hell, the sheer stupidity of it was astounding.

Demons may be traditionally weaker than angels, but they outnumber us by the thousands, and in a massive battle, they could easily overpower us. This plan was nothing short of mass suicide, the last war between the two had cut the angel population almost in half, and back then the sides had been decently equal. The enormous losses on both sides had deterred anyone from ever attempting such a thing again, but apparently the archangels were too blinded by their lust for power to remember those details.

Pressing the palms of my hands against my eyes, I attempted to shut out my thoughts for just a few seconds. As disastrous as this all could be, there was no guarantee it would happen. Brendon could be overreacting, which wouldn't be the first time, or God could show up to end this at any moment, if he even cares anymore.

I didn't understand what could be so important that he would just stand aside and watch Heaven slowly self-destruct, but maybe that was his plan all along. This could be his own personal flood to rid Heaven of corruption, and he would begin anew with whatever angels managed to survive. As cruel as that sounds, I wouldn't be surprised if that was what he was doing, God had a strange way of showing love, and I was used to it by now.

Or maybe this was something else entirely, maybe whatever horror the seventh prophecy alluded to is coming closer, and God is forbidden to interfere, even he can't change a predestined event. I just wish I had any idea what that was.

I had showed the prophecy to Gerard before he had left, and he was just as stumped as I was, but in his defense, he had been occupied with preparing for his journey to Hell, so he hadn't been able to give it his full attention. I felt like we were both missing something obvious, but other worries had gotten in the way, and I was too emotional fucked up to ponder it right now.

Because when it all comes down to it, nothing matters if Gerard doesn't come back - not to me anyway. I don't care how selfish that sounds, but the world could end and I wouldn't care, because he is my whole world, and without him, I have nothing.

I don't know exactly how or when this happened; even when I was alive, I didn't depend on Jamia for my happiness, she just enhanced life - she wasn't essential to it. Yes, I loved her, and I would have been devastated if she had died, but I would have picked up the pieces of my heart and continued on, but Gerard is different, he has changed me completely; he is buried under my skin, and now he is a permanent part of my being. Losing him would be like cutting myself in half and expecting my body to still be able to function.

In the situation we are in, I realized that this relationship is borderline unhealthy and detrimental - to me at least, I am unsure if Gerard feels the same dependency that plagues me. I would change it if I could, but it's too late to do anything now besides hope and pray for his safe return.

I remember when nothing used to bother me, when my world was black and white with a few splashes of colored emotions on rare occasions. As much as I despise this hopelessness I am feeling right now, I wouldn't really want to go back to feeling that way. I had been dead - not just physically, but mentally, basically just a robot that carried out his daily tasks without comment or complaint.

Now I was alive - metaphorically speaking, and as much as this fucking hurt, at least I could feel again. At least I had someone that I loved more than life itself, because before Gerard, I don't think anyone would have cared if I lived or died, and now I had someone that did. That was worth the trade-off of unruly emotions - right?

Deciding to end my own internal debate on a positive note, I dragged my now numb ass off of the couch and headed upstairs to go check on Mikey before I spiraled back into the blacker state of mind I had been entrenched in earlier.

I refused to look into Gerard and I's room as I passed it, I know I was acting like he was already dead, but there was just too many memories on those sheets that still smelled like him, and I wanted to avoid the inevitable breakdown that would occur once I had to go in there. I pushed Mikey's door open gently, and was pleasant surprised to see him awake and sort of sitting up.

"Hey Mikey, how are you feeling?" I entered the room fully and sat down next to him on the bed, glad to have company that wasn't in the form of an annoying teenager with a purple snowmobile.

"Better right now, it kinda comes in waves you know?" He shrugged his shoulders as if to say it was no big deal, even though he was fucking dying - so yeah, it was a big deal.

"Do you need anything? Can you stomach some food?" I felt useless in this situation, I mean, there was literally nothing I could do, but I still wanted to ease his suffering in some way.

The lines of pain had physically marked his face, his brown hair hung sadly around his thinning frame, and he really needed a haircut, but that was probably the last thing on his mind right now. He was barely recognizable as the scared looking boy I had met what seemed like ages ago, but in reality was only a few months back.

I remembered how at first glance, I doubted his ability to make it a week on the run from demons and angels, but then he had basically torn my head off when he thought I was hurting his brother, and I realized he had spark, it was just buried under precautions and worries. That spark was dimming now, and all that made Mikey himself was fading away with it. His usual wit and sarcasm was fleeting and half assed - when present at all, and pain had become his entire being.

"Nah - maybe just some water..." He trailed off and a glassy look came over his face.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked worriedly, I didn't know if this was going to turn into another hallucination or not, but I was prepared to jump into action.

"Yeah, I just noticed that Gee's gone huh?" Well at least Mikey's demon senses were still working if he noticed the absence of Gerard's presence, or maybe that was just a brotherly bond thing that I would never understand.

"Oh yeah, he is. He said goodbye to you this morning, but you were knocked out, and he didn't have the heart to wake you," I answered softly.

"Do you think he will make it back Frank? Honestly?" Mikey gazed up at me with wide trusting eyes, and even though every fiber of my being wanted to comfort him and tell him that he would see his big brother again soon, I found myself incapable of deceiving him.

"I don't know Mikey...fuck - I really don't. All I know is that he is going to do everything he can to save you, and that has to be enough."

"It's gonna be okay Frank, he won't leave us." Somehow the tables had turned, and the dying boy I should have been comforting was feeding me words of reassurance that I so desperately needed to hear.

And even though I didn't think it was physically possible, I found myself crying again, well actually, full out sobbing, because Mikey's unfailing faith in his brother touched me so much, and at the same time I was insanely frustrated with my inability to find that hope within myself. He shouldn't have to be the one taking care of me right now, but that's exactly what happened.

Mikey pulled me into his lap, because even with all the weight he had lost, he was still taller than me. No more words were spoken, but there was really nothing left to say, and I let everything out as he softly stroked my hair and hummed a wordless tune, making his resemblance to Gerard uncanny in that moment.

And even though what I needed were Gerard's strong arms around me, I accepted Mikey's ministrations, because I was too weak to move, and in a way, sharing my sorrow with him made it easier to bear for the time being. His tears joined my own, and we sat there for who knows how long until we had both cried ourselves into exhaustion.


	27. Entry Twenty: Return to Hell

**Entry Twenty: Return to Hell**

Standing in front of the portal to Hell was a nasty shock to my senses, because even though I had been preparing for this moment all week, only now was it starting to actual hit me; the enormity of the task I was about to attempt threatened to crush me with its weight.

I guess I had just been pretending this wasn't happening, like when your receive bad news - say your parents are getting divorced, and you just keep living life like nothing had changed, even though everything had. You think it would have sunk in when I was forging all the necessary documents, or when I was packing, but I had just continued on in a state of forced happiness for Frank and Mikey's sake.

I was so dead set on reaching this point, I didn't let myself stop and think about how afraid I was, or how little chance I had of coming back. I didn't want to worry Frank anymore than he already was, every night he cried himself to sleep, and it was destroying me that I was the cause of his sorrows. I wanted to comfort him, but how could I when I was the one making him feel that way?

I didn't even say goodbye to him, not properly, I just left with him with a kiss and a promise to see him later. I hate goodbyes, so I refused to let this be one, but now I was seriously regretting that decision, since it might have been the last time I will ever see Frank again.

But I promised him I would do everything in my power to make it back to him safety, so I might as well get this over with so I can hold him in my arms that much quicker. The two people I love most in the world were depending on me to return, and I refused to let them down.

Tugging the hood of my cloak further down over my face, I threw myself into the portal before I had a chance to second guess this whole idiotic plan. The trip was harsher than I remembered, as if even Hell itself was trying to reject me - telling me to turn back now before it was too late.

But it was already way too late, because I had arrived, and the gate guards were eyeing me up and down with bored expressions plastered on their faces. Keeping my eyes peeled straight ahead, and hoping my face was mostly obscured, I approached them warily, trying to radiate a sense of belonging that I definitely wasn't feeling.

"Documents?" The taller of the two held out his hand, and I placed the paper I had worked so hard on in his palm, praying that the forgery worked, because if this all went to shit within the first two minutes, I was going to be seriously pissed.

As he glanced over the papers that would decide my fate, I tried my hardest to control my breathing; I couldn't appear nervous, because elite demons were never nervous in any situation, unless they were in front of Lucifer, and if I was pretending to be one, I would have to act like one.

"Here you go. How was the trip?" I had to hold in my sigh of relief when the demon handed me the papers back without a second glance. I silently thanked my troubled teenage self who had specialized in copying my parent’s signatures to get out of trouble, I knew it would pay off one day.

"I don't have time for small talk. I need to report back to Lucifer immediately," I scoffed, attempting to lower my voice and appear threatening, even though inside, I was a quivering mess of fear.

"Damn - do all elite demons have a permanent stick up their ass?" I heard the shorter guard ask the other as I stalked away towards Lucifer's palace, even though I was going to change directions as soon as I was out of their line of vision.

"I've only been here a week, but yeah - it seems like it," was the other's reply, and I thanked my lucky stars that I had been fortunate enough to run into two brand new demons who didn't seem to be the brightest in the bunch.

Step one of my shaky plan had been a success, now I just needed to find Bob and pray that he would be willing to help me one last time. I had debated long and hard about dragging him into this, but in the end, I didn't really see any other option that wouldn't end in me getting killed, so as much as I didn't want to endanger Bob, I had to take the risk.

Hell was oddly deserted, but I wasn't complaining since it allowed me to reach Bob's room without incident. I knocked gently on the door, praying that he wasn't out on a mission, because then everything would be ruined.

"Bob?" I called out as loudly as I dared when I received no answer from inside.

"Fuck off - I'm trying to sleep!" I smiled to myself as I slipped into the room noiselessly, I had missed Bob's crass behavior, and even though the situation could be better, I was excited to see him again.

Closing the door behind me, I chuckled at the sight of Bob splayed out on the bed, a pillow pressed over his eyes as if that could hide him away from the world.

"Bob, it's -"

"What did you not understand about fuck off? I just got back from a mission, and there is no fucking way I am going back out until I get some sleep, so you can march your high and mighty ass out of this room right now." The look of shock on Bob's face when he removed the pillow was priceless, I had pulled off my hood, and my bright red hair wasn't something you easily forget.

"Gerard? What the fuck are you doing here man, I thought you were free for sure? Did they catch you? Why aren't you being tortured?" Bob fired so many questions at me in a row, I didn't know which one to answer first.

"Okay - well for starters, yes I did get out - thanks to you. No, they didn't catch me, even though it was a close call a couple of times, but we managed to find a good hiding place." I settled down onto the bed, putting my hood back in place on the off chance that someone came into the room and recognized me.

"Then why the hell would you come back? Did you hit your head on the way out or something, and where is your brother?" Bob seemed more agitated than I was at this point, and he didn't seem to realize that if he just shut up for two seconds that I would explain the entire situation to him.

"I'm getting to that if you would just slow down with all the questions. My brother is safe...but he won't be for long. There is a lot that Lucifer doesn't tell us, and one of those things is that a demon can't survive for very long on Earth without a serum that restores the essence that keeps us alive. I only found out about this after I left, and now Mikey is really sick. He needs the serum soon, or he isn't going to make it, and I won't be far behind. The only possible way to save him was to sneak back into Hell and steal as much of the serum as I can carry. Believe me, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't a life or death situation," I finally managed to finish the entire story without any more interruptions.

"Fucking asswipe...of course he would have kept that shit secret," Bob grumbled in a pissed off tone.

"I'm so sorry to involve you in something this dangerous again, but I need your help...you aren't still fucking that skinny blonde chick that guards that storeroom are you?" I pressed hopefully, aware that each passing minute was another chance for me to get caught.

"Oh you bet I am, she is the best lay in Hell. What does that have to do with anything though?"

"Well she just so happens to guard the room where the serum is stored, and I need to get in there undetected. I totally understand if you don't want to help, but I am not sure how else to go about this. If you could just distract her for a few minutes, I can be in and out before anyone even realizes I was here." Guilt began to eat at me again, this was too much to ask of Bob, and I hated bringing other people into my problems, even when it was necessary.

"Fuck yeah man - I'm in, on one condition though."

"Yeah anything, just name it." Because I already owed Bob the world for helping me escape, so I would do whatever was in my power to help him out.

"Take me with you...I can't stay here any longer. Shit has hit the fan since you left, and Hell has begun to literally mean its name."

"What do you mean? What's changed?"

"Lucifer has basically lost his shit is what happened. He knows an angel killed his best tracker, I am assuming that was your angel buddy by the way. He took personal offense to Heaven interfering in Hell's affairs, so he has been on the warpath ever since, sending out demons with the sole purpose of killing angels, and not only that, but he has upped the soul quota for all of us, he is running us ragged, and it's never enough. He always wants more, even though we have doubled our soul intact from last year already. I think he is preparing for war Gerard, and I am not throwing my life away in a pointless pissing contest with Heaven just so Lucifer can prove his manhood to God."

"I can't believe it...I knew Heaven was gearing up for war, but I had no idea it had gotten this bad here." I really was shocked, Lucifer may be cruel, but he wasn't any idiot; why would he wage a war against Heaven - unless he truly thought he could win this time.

"So can I come with you? I have been regretting not taking you up on your offer ever since you left, and I am not missing out on a chance at freedom this time." Bob fixed me with a pleading gaze, which looked odd on his gruff face.

"Of course you can. I would rather not leave you here to risk getting into trouble because of me for a second time anyway. I was so worried that someone might have found out it was you that released the hellhound before."

"Nah, I am a fucking good liar, no one suspected a thing," Bob grinned as if lying successfully was his greatest achievement, and honestly it might be.

"That still doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty." I don't know why I was pushing the point when Bob was obviously fine, but I wanted him to know how much his help had and still meant to me.

"Drop it dude, it's all cool. So did you have any real plan to get this serum, or are we winging it?" Bob asked.

"Well I was basically just thinking you suck face with what's her name, and I sneak in and grab as much of the serum as I can." I shrugged in embarrassment, saying it out loud made me realize how pathetic it truly sounded.

"Well that works for me, Amy's shift starts in an hour, so you can help me pack in the meantime."

So Bob and I gathered all the things he wanted to take with him while I filled him in on how we had been living in the outside world. We decided that he would stay with Frank and I for a bit until he figured out where he wanted to go, I knew Frank wouldn't mind, especially once I explained to him that he had helped me get out of Hell - if we got out that is.

All too soon, our hour was up, and I found myself creeping down the hallway at a discreet distant behind Bob, trying to stay hidden, but not appearing too sketchy all at the same time.

The storeroom came into view, and I stayed concealed behind the corner, watching avidly as Bob conversed with what's her name, who was apparently named Amy. Bob was lying out of his ass about leaving something in the storeroom the last time they fucked, and she was buying it hook, line, and sinker.

Holding my breath, I observed as she unlocked the door for Bob, he emerged a few moments later, tucking something into his pocket before leaning against the wall and proceeding to flirt with her shamelessly. She was so distracted by his words, that she didn't lock the storeroom back up after him, just like we had hoped, now all I had to do was wait until Bob started making out with her so I could sneak inside.

All of a sudden, I was hit with a bout of dizziness so strong, I had to sit down before I fell over. Fuck - not this...not now. I had hoped that when I returned to Hell, my essence would be restored, but apparently I had been running on empty for too long, and of course, I was weakening right now at the most important moment. I just had to get inside, and then I could drink some Livian...I couldn't give in to this now - not while Mikey was still fighting for his life, waiting on me to save him.

Bob and Amy were now attached at the lips, so I had to move if this plan had any chance of success. Pushing down the rising nausea that had begun to assault me, I crept across the small space to the still open door and tucked inside soundlessly. Luckily, the vials were in exactly the same place as the last time; with shaking hands, I unstopped one of the bottles and downed the contents hastily.

Almost instantaneously, I felt strength returning to my limbs, it was like I had injected an IV of caffeine into my veins, and I hadn't felt this good in months. Moving quickly, I filled the pack I had brought with me to the brim with the Livian, I wasn't sure how often we would need to drink it, but this should be enough to maintain the three of us for a long while.

Being especially cautious not to let any of the jars clink together, I exited the storeroom as silently as I had entered and quickly made my way back to Bob's room. We had decided to meet there, since he still needed to gather his stuff, Amy would have become suspicious if she had seen him carrying a bag.

As I waited, I tried to slow down my rapid breathing while I enjoyed the feeling of vitality coursing through my entire body. It had been ages since I hadn't felt some form of sickness or weakness, and I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to not be overcome by aches and pains.

About fifteen minutes later, Bob made an appearance, his hair messed up and a shit eating grin on his face. Step two of the plan had been successfully completed, now we just had to make it out of here in one piece. This was the most unsteady part of the process though, especially with the addition of Bob. I had papers that would allow me to leave at any time - even if they were fake, but he didn't, so we would have to take make a run for it and hope we weren't followed.

"Ready?" I asked Bob when he was finished shouldering his pack and I was done checking to make sure that none of the precious vials of Livian had broken.

"As ready as I'll ever be. If this all goes to shit, I want you to leave me behind. Your brother needs you more than I do."

"I'm not leaving you Bob, we will both get out of this, we just have to be quick." Right now I really did believe that we could do this, I was humming with energy, and I was convinced that I could out-fly the entire host of Hell.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Bob clapped me on the shoulder before we exited the room.

I led the way back toward the portal, we had decided that I would try to bullshit my way past the guards, saying that it was essential for Bob to join me, and Lucifer hadn't had time to draw up his paperwork. It probably wouldn't work, but it was worth a shot.

I stifled a groan when I realized that the watch had been changed during my time here. The two idiots that had been at the portal earlier might have bought our lie, but I recognized one of the new guards, which meant he had been here for much longer, and he wouldn't be quite as gullible.

"Documents?" The same question was repeated by the new guard, I think his name was Alex, but I wasn't one hundred percent sure.

"Here's mine, Bob is with me, but Lucifer didn't have time to draft him a release copy. This is just a quick mission anyway, we will be back by day's end." I felt myself sweating as Alex scrutinized my papers with an unforgiving eye, but apparently my forgery was good enough to fool him as well.

"You're clear, but I can't let anyone out without papers. No exceptions." Bob began to back away, but I refused to give up that easily.

"This order comes from Lucifer himself, you must let him go," I demanded roughly, hoping to bully my way out of this.

"It's not my rule. I can send a runner to check with Lucifer if you can wait?" Alex seemed genuinely sorry, and I almost felt bad for what I was going to do next.

"Oh fuck it..." I exhaled before punching him in the face as hard as I could, feeling his nose break underneath my fist. The other guard stood there in shock, and I knew it was now or never.

"Run Bob!" I shouted as I bolted for the portal. I could feel his pounding footsteps following close behind me.

The portal was right in front of us - this was it, we were going to make it. Just then I heard a cry of pain behind me, turning back, I saw Bob on the ground, clutching his leg which had a crossbow bolt protruding from it.

The other guard had apparently gained his wits, and I felt like an idiot for not taking him out as well. Turning back, I scooped Bob up into my arms before continuing to run. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have been able to handle his weight, but the Livian was empowering me with a strength I didn't know I possessed.

"Put me down...it's not worth it," Bob groaned, but I ignored him, too busy dodging crossbow bolts to waste any effort speaking. There was no way I was leaving him behind now, he would be sentenced to the Wastelands for sure, and there was no way in hell I could live with that on my conscience.

Releasing my wings, I shot forward the remaining few feet, and I silently rejoiced as I felt the familiar constricting sensation which meant I had entered the portal. We had done it, against all odds, I had escaped from Hell - not once, but twice. As soon as the fresh air hit my wings, I soared off into the sky, flying faster than I had ever gone before in my life, fueled by the Livian and my longing to return to Mikey and Frank.

 _"I'm coming baby,"_ I mentally cried out, unsure if Frank could hear me from this distance, but hoping he could. I needed him to know I was safe so he wouldn't have a reason to cry anymore.

Once we were a considerable distance away from the portal, I landed briefly to remove the crossbow bolt from Bob's leg and bandage him up. The wound was already healing, and even though he couldn't walk, he could fly, and we were soon winging our way back toward the safe house.

Extending my senses, I didn't find any hint of pursuit so far, we had caught them off guard, so it would take them some time to organize a tracking squad, and by that point, we would be long gone. Making sure to zigzag our trail and lose our scents in every river we passed, I was confident in our abilities to remain undetected.

I repeated my call to Frank every hour, desperate to be returned to my love so I could hold him tight and bask in my successful return home.


	28. Private Angel Log Entry Eight

**Private Angel Log Entry Eight**

_"I'm coming baby..."_

Gerard's voice permeated through my sleep addled brain, it was faint - so faint, I shouldn't even have awoken, but I had been so desperate for any sign of him that my body had seemed to know how important it was that I was awake to hear this; unless this was just a dream, and I was still sleeping that is - which was entirely possible, but I was definitely awake now.

Peeling my eyes open wearily, I glanced around Mikey's room, noticing the fact that night had fallen while we slept, but besides that, absolutely nothing had changed. Mikey was still slumbering next to me; I debated waking him to ask if he had heard anything from Gerard, but I decided against it, he was so ill he probably wouldn't have noticed if someone broke down the door with a chainsaw.

I also wasn’t sure how advanced his demon powers were, as far as I knew, he and Gerard had never communicated telepathically, but it was feasible that they had been doing it all along and I just hadn’t noticed.

Needing to keep myself occupied, I headed downstairs to make a cup of coffee, and maybe something to eat as well if my nervous stomach could handle it; which to be honest, it probably couldn’t, but at least I could waste some time making something. As I puttered around in the kitchen, I continued to strain my senses, but if Gerard was out there, he was too far away for me to be able to detect him.

I swore I heard Gerard calling to me, but I had no way to respond to him, and it really all could have been my imagination constructing something I was so desperate to hear. It was times like these that I truly hated the fact that he was a demon and I was an angel, I couldn't communicate with him like I could others of my kind, and it chafed at me.

Angels could tune into demon’s mental frequencies if their telepathic speech was strong enough, or if they had a good sense of the demon’s aura, but it didn’t work the other way around, which was very unfair to demons, and someone should really look into that.

_"Baby - I'm on my way home..."_

I dropped the coffee mug I had been holding, ignoring the loud crash that accompanied it, focusing only on my lover’s voice that I was one hundred percent sure was real now. My heart beat sped up, and it seemed to me like it started beating again, because it had stopped - metaphorically speaking - when Gerard left, but now I was alive again, because he was alive. All thoughts of caffeine forgotten, I hurried upstairs to tell Mikey the good news.

"Mikey - wake up! Gerard is on his way back! He's okay!"I was basically bouncing on the bed in my excitement, but somehow he took no notice of my presence.

"Mikey?"

When I still received no response, I began to panic, Mikey couldn't give in - not now - not when Gerard was heading back to save him. I pressed my fingers against his neck, sighing in relief when I found a pulse - albeit a week one. He was still alive - just barely, but all he had to do was hang on just a little bit longer.

I begged the universe not to be so cruel as to take Mikey away when everything was close to being better, that just couldn’t happen, because yes, the world was a fucked up place, but it couldn’t be this fucked up - not this time.

I was too nervous to leave his side just in case his condition worsened, if it was even possible for Mikey to get any worse than he already was, so I crawled back into his bed, trying to share some of my body heat with him since he was shivering violently. Time passed slowly, but every hour or so, Gerard called out to me again, and it made the wait more bearable, because it was borderline unbearable the rest of the time.

I was too scared to move, but too antsy to sit still, and the nervous energy bottled up inside of me was threatening to tear me apart, and it was probably a good thing that I didn’t drink that cup of coffee, because the added stimulation would not have been good for me in my current condition.

When I heard the front door open, I flew downstairs - literally flew, feet just didn't seem fast enough when I had wings at my disposal. When I saw my demon in the doorway, looking disheveled, but ecstatic, I launched myself directly into his arms, wrapping my wings around him in an intimate embrace.

I managed to knock him off his feet with the force of my assault, but he didn't seem to mind at all if the expression on his face was any indication. I seemed to have forgotten how to speak, I had so many things I wanted to tell him, but my tongue had frozen up, so I did the next best thing and kissed him with all of the passion that I could muster.

He immediately kissed back, threading his fingers through my wings in a way that had me shuddering against him. I couldn't seem to stop touching him, kissing him, holding him, because I had to make sure he was real; I had to reassure myself that this was really happening, and my baby was safe in my arms, because it all seemed like a dream still, and if it was, then I never wanted to wake up.

"I see somebody missed me," Gerard chuckled when we finally pulled apart. I felt a slight wetness on my cheeks, apparently I had been crying again, but this time they were tears of joy instead of sorrow.

"Wherever did you get that idea?" I teased, retracting my wings so he could get up off the floor, and it was only then that I noticed that we had company in the form of a burly blonde demon who was standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Should I go take a walk so you two can catch up?" the demon chuckled lightly, and I relaxed the muscles that had reflexively tensed up in case I had to attack this stranger.

"Oops - I forgot to do introductions. Frank, this is Bob, he is a good friend of mine and he helped me escape Hell - both times actually."

"Well then you have my thanks," I smiled broadly, anyone who helped out Gerard was a friend of mine.

"How's Mikey?" Gerard asked while digging in his bag, which was filled to the brim with what I assumed was Livian.

"Not too good actually, I think you made it just in time." Gerard nodded, his face set in a serious expression as he removed a vial and headed upstairs, Bob and I on his heels.

"Hey Mikey - I'm back," Gerard whispered softly as we entered his room, but Mikey was still unresponsive.

"I haven't been able to wake him up Gee, he seemed okay this afternoon, but then we fell asleep and he has been like this for a few hours."

"Well hopefully he will be able to swallow this," Gerard worried his bottom lip in-between his teeth as he unstopped the Livian.

"Only give him a mouthful, Brendon sent me a letter, apparently that stuff is super addicting," I warned Gerard, and he nodded in understanding, but something else flashed across his face - fear maybe, or worry, I wasn't sure, but I wrote it off instantly, too concerned over Mikey in this moment to pry into it further.

"Well here goes nothing," Gerard sighed as he poured a small amount of the yellow liquid into Mikey's mouth, massaging his throat to make sure some of it went down.

The results were almost instantaneous, as we watched with bated breath, Mikey's skin began to take on a healthy color instead of the sallow shade it had been previously; his breathing became deeper, and much more regular, and then the moment we had all been waiting for occurred, his eyes fluttered open and he smiled up at us.

"I knew you would do it Gerard," were the first words out his mouth, and Gerard was the picture of happiness, beaming like the sun before engulfing his brother in a hug. Bob and I stayed back, giving the brothers their moment and internally _awwing_ over their happy reunion - well at least I was.

"How are you feeling bro?" Gerard's voice was slightly choked up, and I could tell he was holding back tears.

"Amazing actually, and fuck - I'm starving, is there any food in this house?"

We all burst out laughing at his statement, and it felt so good to be able to laugh again, because for a short time, I had been worried that I would never laugh again. I mean, I had run the risk of losing my love and one of my good friends all in one day, but we had cheated fate and come out the victors.

We all headed downstairs to make Mikey something to eat, and as I watched Gerard fussing over his brother like a worried mother, I truly felt like I was part of a family, and that was an amazing feeling.

Gerard would sneak over to my side every other minute and press a soft kiss against my lips before dashing away again to stir something on the stove, because for some reason, he had demanded that he be the one to cook, even though - let’s face it - I am much better at it. Even Bob slipped seamlessly into our makeshift family, regaling Mikey with what was a probably over exaggerated version of their escape from Hell, but I had to hand it to him, he was a good story teller.

I couldn’t keep my eyes of Gerard, I could probably watch him forever and never get bored. He seemed so much happier than he had been in ages, and why shouldn’t he be? He was alive, Mikey was in a good health once again, and best of all, we were together, and we were safe, and I intended to keep it that way.

Now that we had the Livian, and thanks to Brendon, a way to make it if we ever ran out, we could truly start our lives, which had been put on hold ever since Mikey had fallen ill, but now all of that was behind us.

I knew everything wasn’t perfect yet, I still had to deal with the problems in Heaven, and the angels that may or may not be showing up here at any time, but right now, it really didn’t worry me, because I had Gerard back, and with him by my side, I could face anything.


	29. Entry Twenty-One: Angel Wings

**Entry Twenty-One: Angel Wings**

It was late, I wasn't sure as to the exact time, but it was reaching that point when night was now considered morning, and I still hadn't slept a wink

I glanced down at Frank's slumbering form, drinking in the sight of my beautiful angel, because it was a gift; even more so now that I had almost died, and I was even more madly in love with him than before, if that was humanly possible, and if it wasn’t, then I wasn’t technically human, so it didn’t matter.

As creepy as it sounds, I adored watching him sleep, because for a little while, I was terrified that I might never see him again, but even before then, it had always been a pastime I enjoyed. He looked so different, so much younger, and innocent, and relaxed, and that wasn’t an expression his face carried often these days, so I had to enjoy it whenever the chance arose.

Which was why I couldn't tell him about what was running through my brain, and consequentially keeping me from finding any rest tonight, because I had already put him through enough. He didn't need another problem burdening him so soon after my journey to hell, and right now, he was happy - happier than I had seen him in ages, and I just couldn't bring myself to shatter that newfound joy with the knowledge of my own stupid act.

I had to keep it to myself, even though I was terrified, and the urge to spill my secret to someone - anyone who could help comfort me was borderline overwhelming, but I refused to be that selfish. I wouldn’t stoop so low as to drag Frank down with me until I had no other option.

I realized I was being a bit too hard on myself, I had no idea that drinking a whole bottle of Livian would be accompanied by such terrible side effects, but I still blamed myself. I should have known - or asked someone, or just waited until I had gotten home; yes - I might have died in Hell if I had put it off a moment longer, but I might not have, and then we wouldn't be in another hopeless situation because of my idiocy.

I had discreetly questioned Frank about Brendon’s letter, and more importantly, what he had said about the Livian, but apparently he knew little more than I did, just that drinking more than a few drops was dangerous - so dangerous in fact that Brendon had risked exposing himself, and us, to inform Frank of that fact.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad though, maybe I was overreacting. I felt nothing yet besides the healthy buzz that had been flowing through my veins ever since I had downed that bottle, and I had been addicted to drugs back when I was alive. I was no stranger to the symptoms of withdrawal, and I could handle them again - at least, I think I can.

I wished someone could tell me what to expect, more than anything, I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay; to come and clean up this mess I had made - or tell me how to fix it so I could remedy the situation myself, but that wasn't going to happen. I was struggling blindly through this, which is what I deserved for going and fucking everything up again.

"Baby?" Frank's voice cut through my internal worries, and I did my best to soothe out my features so he wouldn't pick up on my distress. He flipped over so that he was facing me, and I plastered on a fake smile while hoping that my acting skills were at least sub-par.

"Yeah?" I hoped he was still half asleep, we had stayed up talking about everything that had transpired while we had been apart for quite some time, and he had been drained from the emotional day.

"Why are you still awake?" he asked softly.

"I don't know, just restless I guess." I shrugged my shoulders, hoping he would drop the subject and go back to sleep, but this was Frank, and I should have known better.

"You need rest love," Frank gestured for me to lie down beside him, so I did, feeling his arms wrap around me.

I tried to shut my mind off and close my eyes - I really did, but I couldn't seem to sit still; whether it was the potent effects of the Livian affecting me, or my nagging brain that refused to give me peace, I didn't know, but I had to move. I couldn't just sit here or I was going to explode.

Shifting carefully, I attempted to disentangle myself from Frank's hold, but I had misjudged him. By his steady breathing and still posture, I had assumed that he had fallen back asleep, but his eyes flashed open in the dark room, meeting my own as I tried to conceal the guilt I was sure they held.

"Seriously Gee, what's wrong?"

"I guess I am just on edge from today, I can't seem to relax." It wasn't exactly a lie; it wasn't the whole truth either, but it was the best explanation I could give him for now.

"Well come here." Frank sat up and held out his arms, and I burrowed into them gratefully.

Even though I wouldn't let myself tell him what was troubling me, that didn't stop me from feeling comforted by his embrace. Frank could erase everything with just his presence, and I loved that about him. No one else could shut off my tortuous mind, not even Mikey, and the fact that Frank could made him even more special to me.

A soft rustling sound filled the room, and suddenly I was surrounded by the familiar smell of sunshine and rain that I had come to adore, because that was the scent of Frank's wings, which were now wrapped securely around me, cocooning me from the world, and for the first time all night, everything that had been plaguing me faded away, and I finally relaxed completely.

It was astounding how Frank always knew exactly what I needed, even when he didn't know the root of the problem, he managed to fix it - albeit temporarily, and my love for him swelled throughout my entire body. It threatened to choke me with its intensity, but in a good way, not that the sensation of being choked is usually a pleasant experience, but this time it was.

I caressed Frank's feathers with my fingers, relishing in the gorgeous silky texture of them. One of my favorite things in the world was touching his wings, and I hadn't had very many opportunities to do this, so I took full advantage of my situation; running my hands all over his beautiful appendages, exploring each individual feather until I reached the point where his wings joined with his back.

 _"Ooh..."_ Frank moaned softly, his body shuddered under my touch, causing his wings to flutter around me. Apparently I had found a sensitive spot that I hadn’t been aware Frank possessed, and by the startled look on his face, neither had he.

"Does that feel good baby?" I asked as I continued to massage the edge of his wings, watching as Frank's pupils widened and his breathing hitched in his chest.

"Oh god yes..." he groaned out through gritted teeth.

Ecstatic with my newfound discovery, I teasingly brushed my fingers over the area, feeling a sense of pride as Frank gasped quietly, clutching even tighter to me as his body continued to shake.

"Fuck Gerard...what are you doing to me?" he gasped out brokenly.

I didn't respond with words, I was too caught up in the moment. This definitely hadn't been my intention when I began stroking Frank's wings, but now that I had him writhing and needy because of my touch, I wanted him so badly that it ached.

"Gerard - _oh fuck_ \- please...I need you..." Frank moaned out as if he had read my mind.

Continuing to massage the spot that drove him wild, I began sucking on Frank's neck, which I had perfect access to since he had thrown his head back in pleasure. He bucked against me, and since we had both been sleeping in nothing but our boxers, I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach.

Keeping one hand on his wings, I moved my other hand lower until I was tracing the tattoos that decorated his hips. Movingly slowly, I dipped below the waistband of his boxers, running my fingers over the head of his dick teasingly.

 _"Please..."_ Frank begged unashamedly.

When I glanced up at him, I was blown away by how gorgeous he looked: his eyes dilated with need, his black hair beginning to stick slightly to his forehead with sweat, his mouth slack and open as soft moans poured from his throat. He was so beautiful, and he was all mine.

I tugged down his boxers gently, causing him to gasp as the material scraped against his cock. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that I should be nervous and awkward, I mean, this would be the first time we had ever had sex - the first time I have ever had sex, and even though Frank had been with girls, he had never done this before.

But with him I felt confident, I felt beautiful and in control, and I refused to let nerves ruin this special moment between us. I had been waiting for this for so long, and now that it was here, I intended to make it amazing for the both of us.

Removing my fingers from Frank's cock, I pulled them into my mouth and began coating them with saliva. Once I deemed them sufficiently lubed up, I straightened out my legs and pulled Frank into my lap, causing our erections to brush against each other and a strangled moan to leave my mouth.

Reaching down, I gently pressed one finger to his entrance, touching it lightly until he was pushing back against my hand with a throaty whine.

"Just tell me if I hurt you baby," I whispered as I inched in my digit as slowly as I could. He was tight - oh so tight, and I grew impossibly harder when I realized that soon my dick would be encased in him very soon.

I moved my finger back and forth, trying to loosen his walls, but not quite ready to chance another finger just yet.

"More please..." Frank gasped out, and with his encouragement, I added another digit, scissoring them gently while searching for this prostate.

"Fuck!" Frank cried out when I arched my fingers upward, and I knew I had succeeded. I continued to massage that spot as Frank rocked back onto my hand.

"Ready baby?" I asked him after a few more minutes, because I didn't think I could wait much longer, or else I was going to lose it before I even got inside him just from watching him ride my fingers.

"Oh god yes..." Frank moaned brokenly.

Quickly removing my boxers, I repositioned Frank; because his wings were still open, I couldn't lay him onto his back, so instead, I lifted him up until he was crouching over the head of my cock.

I shuddered as he slowly lowered himself down on me, it took all the self-restraint I possessed not to buck upwards into him, because fuck - this felt so good, I wasn't one hundred percent sure it was real, but as Frank settled in my lap with my dick sheathed inside him, I realized it was real, this gorgeous angel was mine, and he loved me, and nothing else mattered just then.

Frank stayed completely still for a moment, gazing into my eyes as he waited for his body to adjust, and mixed in with the lust and excitement, it was the overwhelming adoration I saw in his hazel irises that completely floored me.

"Fuck Gerard - I love you..." he gasped out before pressing his lips against mine in a fierce kiss.

I melted into him, this was the best feeling in the whole entire world, and if I died right this second, that would be okay with me, because I got to experience this intimacy with Frank, and that was something that I never imagined would happen to me in a million years. The fact that someone could truly love me made it more than worth all of the trials we had gone through to end up here.

Frank shifted slightly, making me push into him even deeper, and by his hoarse exclamation, I was pretty sure I had just rubbed against his prostate. Frank began rocking faster against me, and I threw back my head in pleasure, letting him set his own pace, because I needed a moment to compose myself anyway. Frank felt so fucking good, especially when he clenched around me, and I needed to calm down so this wouldn't end too quickly.

"God Frank...I love you too." I finally managed to get my mouth to form the words that were inside of my head, and I meant it so much - with all of my being, and I knew he realized that and loved me just as intensely.

I laid back completely, loosing myself in the pleasure of being with Frank. When I began to move my hips in time with his, the sensations became even better for both of us - if the sounds Frank was emitting were any clue, and I had found my heaven on earth.

As much as I wanted this to last forever, my body had other ideas, and I knew I had barely a minute left - if that. Clutching his hips tightly, I began to rock in time with his movements, falling in sync with each rise and fall of his writhing body.

"Baby I'm close..." I hissed out.

"Me too... _ohh_ _god_ \- I'm so close," Frank moaned out loudly, and I increased my pace slightly, wrapping one hand around his dick and reaching up so I could massage his wings as I continued to thrust into him.

 _"Ohh shit..."_ Frank whimpered as his entire body began to shake, the tips of his wings brushed against my sides as they trembled, and then I was seeing stars as I came inside of Frank’s tight heat.

"Gerard!" Frank cried out as he released, falling forward onto my chest as he rode out his orgasm.

I don't know how long I lay there, but I couldn't find the energy to move, and I really didn't want to, because that meant this snapshot in time would end, and I would have to go back to worrying, but for a little while, I had forgotten everything - everything besides the pure ecstasy of being with Frank.

Finally I rolled us over, pulling out of Frank with a quiet gasp. He stared up at me lovingly, his hazel eyes practically bursting with happiness, and I couldn't resist leaning down and pressing a chaste kiss to his swollen lips.

"You are so perfect," I whispered, trying to fill my tone with all the admiration I was feeling, because he was. Frank was the epitome of perfection, and I would never understand how I had been so lucky to have this angel fall in love with me.

"I should be saying that to you," Frank moved closer to kiss me again, and I savored the unique taste of his lips.

We cleaned up quickly, luckily nobody seemed to be awake, or else they were pretending to be asleep. I had managed to forget that fact that we weren't alone in this house, but I couldn't exactly be bothered right now by the fact that they might have heard our late night activities.

When we crawled back into bed again, Frank wrapped me in his wings once more, and I managed to push everything aside and fall into a deep slumber, because in Frank's arms, I was safe, and nothing could hurt me as long as he was there to shield me from the world.


	30. Entry Twenty-Two: Fire and ice and pain

**Entry Twenty-Two: Fire and ice and pain**

I'm burning from the inside out one second, than in the next, my bones are turned to ice. There is no in-between, and these rapid shifts in temperature are disorienting to say the least, actually, they are making me downright miserable.

I know I am already suffering from withdrawals, but this is so much worse than I ever imagined it to be. It has only been a week: a week since I had escaped from Hell with Bob, a week since I had downed an entire bottle of Livian, a week since Mikey had been healed, and I don't know how much longer I can expect these painful symptoms to last.

They began two days ago; they were tolerable at first, as if I just had a mild fever, and I had managed to hide it from everyone so far, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up my facade for long, and even though I had yet to give in and drink any more Livian, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Then Frank would find out, and I didn't want him to discover my problem that way, but it was so hard to be strong. Even though I swore to myself that I wouldn’t give in, I hadn’t prepared myself for this.

Because how was I supposed to keep resisting when I felt like I had a thousand suns spontaneously combusting inside me - when I was so cold that I couldn't control my shaking limbs, and each and every movement hurt so badly, I thought I would break at any moment.

I have to tell Frank so he can help me through this, but I am so scared he will be upset with me. I know he loves me, but he has bigger things to worry about right now, what with the rebels angels arriving in a few days.

Brendon managed to send another letter, telling us that as soon as everyone was gathered, they would be heading our way. What was going to happen after that, I had no idea, but I had a feeling it was going to be something monumental.

"Baby?" Frank's voice floated through the bathroom door where I was currently sequestered away, trying to get myself under control before anyone noticed my pathetic state.

"Yeah?" I answered shakily, my voice coming out in a gruff tone thanks to my parched throat.

"Bob's about to leave, are you okay in there?" I could hear the worry interlaced with his question, but I wanted to pretend that everything was okay for just a little while longer.

"I'll be right out."

I splashed water on my face quickly, hoping to cool down my flushed features before exiting the bathroom with a fake grin plastered on my face.

"He's downstairs with Mikey right now," Frank gestured, and I nodded before following him into the living room.

I had been hoping that Bob would choose to stay with us. Even though he had only been here for a short time, he had become an integral part of our dysfunctional little family, and I would miss his jovial presence, but when he found out about the angels that would soon be making our home their new base of operations, he had opted to leave, and nothing I said could change his mind.

"Hey guys," he greeted us once we reached his line of sight. His bag was already packed with the few meager possessions he owned, all that was left to do was say goodbye, and I fucking hated goodbyes.

"Hey," I mumbled quietly. I didn't know what to say now that he was really leaving; no words would ever encompass how thankful I was for everything he had done, and I think he understood that too.

"Well I'm shit with this kind of stuff, but this isn't forever, I'll be back once everything has cooled down." Bob stood up, grabbing his pack and slinging it over his shoulder.

"You better, or we will come find you ourselves," I grinned at him before pulling him in for a hug.

"Hey - I thought you learned the first time, I don't do hugs," Bob chortled, but he still wrapped his arms around me briefly before pulling away.

"Don't forget you are always welcome here anytime, I will make sure the angels don't kill you on accident," Frank smiled up at Bob.

"Oh and don't forget this." Mikey handed him a small satchel filled with bottles of Livian, it would be enough to last him for quite some time, and now that we knew how to make more, we could easily spare it.

"Thanks little dude," he ruffled Mikey's hair affectionately before stuffing the satchel into his bag.

"Stay safe okay? All of you, I don't want to have to come rescue your ass again," Bob joked lightly.

"You be careful too, I'm worried that you don't have anyone to watch your back," I replied, choking up slightly on all of my pent up emotions.

"I'll be fine, I always am, and who knows, I might be back sooner than you think if I can't find anything interesting to occupy myself with," Bob grinned cheekily.

"Well then I hope you get bored out of your mind." I really didn't want to lose Bob so soon, but his decision had been made, and I had to accept it.

"Well I doubt I will find something more interesting than all the shit you fuckers pull me into it, so it's a pretty safe bet that this isn't the last you will see of my pretty face." I laughed softly to myself, it was obvious that Bob was trying to cheer us up, but I was on the verge of tears already.

"See you soon," Frank waved as Bob headed out the door, walking backwards so he could still make eye contact with each of us.

"Bye Bob," Mikey called out, while I simply lifted my hand in farewell. I didn't trust myself to speak right now, I would probably erupt into sobs if I attempted it.

“Oh and just a friendly word of advice - don’t fuck so much when all of the angels get here, Frank is one loud little fucker,” Bob winked before turning to face the road, leaving me absolutely speechless, and Frank blushing so red he looked like a fire truck.

I remained on the porch until I could no longer see Bob's silhouette, and even after he had disappeared, I continued to stand there and stare into the distance. The biting wind soothed my feverish skin, and I wasn't ready to return back inside just yet.

"Come on love, it's too cold for you to stay out here much longer," Frank's gentle voice cut through my peaceful solitude.

"Just a few more minutes..." I whispered quietly. I knew Frank would still be able to hear me, and I wasn't ready for this moment to end, because then I would have to face my problems. I would be overcome by the fever, or chills, or whatever else my body decided to throw at me, and I couldn't blame my trembling hands on the weather then.

"What's wrong baby, and don't tell me it's just Bob leaving. Something else has been on your mind, I can tell." Frank stepped up beside me, crossing his arms against the railing before leaning his head on them.

"I..." My mouth was open, but I had lost the ability to form words with his piercing hazel eyes staring into my very soul. Everything I wanted to say to him had gotten all tangled up into a giant lump that was threatening to choke me.

"You know you can tell me anything," Frank pressed, and I did know that. I wanted to tell him - fuck, I needed to tell him, but try as I might, the right words wouldn't come.

"I'm scared." That wasn't exactly what I was trying to say, but it was the truth. I was fucking terrified of what was happening to me, and I didn't know how much longer I could go without giving in to this new addiction.

"Of what?" was Frank's simple question.

"I - I did something...and I feel like such an idiot...but I didn't know it was wrong, and now...now -"

"It's okay Gerard. Whatever it is, I will be there for you, I don't want you to be afraid of me."

Frank wrapped his arms around me, and they felt so fucking good, as if his touch alone was holding back the painful symptoms that I had been struggling with this past week. So I began to speak, even though the words burned my throat as they left, as if each one had to be dragged out with a white hot poker, but I didn't stop, because it was too late now, and if I didn't tell Frank, he would know I was lying to him, and he would hate me, and that would kill me long before this addiction did.

"When I was in Hell...I...I was just feeling so weak, and I was worried that I wouldn't make it out alive, so I swallowed a whole bottle of Livian. I swear - I didn't know it was addictive, but now I want more - I need more, and I'm hurting Frank. Everything hurts, and I don't know what to do. I've fucked up again..." The tears I had been holding in for so long finally broke free, traveling down my face in a steady torrent.

"Oh Gee...why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I thought you would be disappointed in me...and you were so happy, I just didn't want you to worry. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but it's so hard Frank." I rested my head in the crook of his neck, soaking his overcoat with my seemingly unending stream of tears.

"Shh baby, don't cry...we will find a way to help you. Brendon will be here soon, he might know a way to fix this," Frank attempted to soothe me, but I only cried even harder.

"I don't know if I can make it that long..." I admitted, hanging my head in shame.

"Well...there is something else I could try..." When Frank trailed off, I perked my head up, but he refused to meet my gaze.

"What?"

"I could attempt to heal you...like I did before. If we made a small cut, l could burn all of the Livian out of your blood, but it hurt you so badly last time, and I can't do that to you again - it almost killed me." Frank shuddered violently against me as he spoke, and it became my turn to comfort him

"If I get worse, I want you to do it. I can't afford to become even more addicted, it might kill me. Promise me Frank, if I ask you too, that you will heal me."

"Gerard please...don't make me promise. It won't get that bad, I know you are strong - you will overcome this," Frank begged shamelessly, and as much as I wanted to tell him that he wouldn’t need to resort to this, that would have just been another lie, and I had to get his word that he would help me if I lost control.

"I know you don't want to Frank, but I'm already in so much pain, please baby?"

"I...okay, I promise, but not tonight," Frank sighed heavily, and I wrapped my arms around his torso gratefully.

"Thank you."

Those two words weren't nearly enough to encompass my gratitude, I knew how hard this would be for Frank, but I didn't see any other way to fix myself. Even though I would do anything to prevent Frank from having to watch me suffer, we were out of options, unless Brendon arrived soon with a solution, and I knew we couldn't depend on him for everything.

"I would do anything for you baby," Frank reassured me, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head.

"I love you."

"I love you too. I just wish I could do more for you. Are you in pain right now?" Frank's gaze raked over my trembling body, and from his expression, I must have looked more of a mess than I thought. His eyebrows drew together in concern, and lines of worry marred his forehead.

"It's not so bad when you're here," I told him truthfully.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he asked as I finally allowed him to lead me back inside.

"Just hold me please?" I asked softly.

"I will never let you go."


	31. Private Angel Log Entry Nine

**Private Angel Log Entry Nine**

_"Almost there, maybe about an hour away."_ Brendon's voice called out in my head.

He had been updating me on their position ever since the rebel angels had left Heaven. I had been terrified that the archangels would fight to keep them within the fold, but apparently it had been a simple matter for them to sneak out one by one. The archangels were too distracted with whatever the fuck they were planning to take any notice until it was too late.

"They are almost here baby. You doing okay?" I gently nudged Gerard, causing him to open one eye lazily, peering up at me from his position in my lap. We had been relaxing on the couch for the past hour, having already cleaned up the house as best we could in preparation for our guests.

"Yeah - I'm doing better, I think I might be able to kick this thing soon," he smiled up at me before a yawn interrupted him.

"And you're not just lying to me because you don't want me to heal you right?" I pressed, because I knew how convincing a liar Gerard could be when he tried, and even though he did seem slightly healthier than the other day, his hands were still shaking noticeably, and there was a sheen of sweat on his brow that denied his words.

"Well...I am not perfect, that's for sure, but I'm trying, it's manageable right now at least." His face oozed honesty, and I trusted him, but that didn't mean I was going to stop worrying.

"It will get better once everyone is here, more distractions you know?" I threaded my hands through his hair as I spoke, causing him to close his eyes and hum softly.

"You are all the distraction I need," he mumbled in a content tone of voice.

"You are such a cheesy fucker, and I love it."

"Now you are starting to sound like Bob," Gerard retorted with a giggle.

"Oh god Bob...how am I ever going to face him again after that parting comment," I groaned in embarrassment.

"Aww you’re blushing."

"How can you tell? Your eyes are still closed."

"Because I know you so well," he smirked to himself.

"Don't laugh, or I will withhold sex from you forever," I threatened teasingly.

"You are already going to do that anyway, there is no way you are going to risk all of your angels buddies hearing how loud you get in bed," Gerard pouted sullenly.

"Oh I'm sure we can find some alone time."

"We are mostly alone right now," Gerard's eyes popped open with an eager light gleaming in them.

"Didn't you have enough last night?" I groaned in mock annoyance.

"Nope, I will never get enough of you baby," Gerard grinned, popping the p unnecessarily.

"We don't have time...and I don't want to have everyone's first impression of me since I left to be a sex maniac.

"You're no fun."

"Ugh fine, but just a quicky, and I get to top, you always take too long with all of your freaking teasing." I couldn't say no to Gerard, it was physically impossible with those damn puppy dog eyes.

"Oh honey, you know you love it when I tease you."

"I never said I didn't, but do you want to sit here arguing, or do you want to get laid?" Gerard grabbed my hand and tugged me off the couch so quickly, I got backlash as way of an answer.

Gerard took my words to heart, basically throwing me on the bed and removing my clothes as if they were on fire.

"I kind of want to eat you out..." he mumbled before flipping me over and proceeding to do just that.

And we didn't even make it to sex, because I have never had anyone do this to me before, and I was shocked at how good it felt to have a tongue in my ass. Gerard pulled out all of the stops, and I was almost embarrassed at how fast I came, screaming his name as my entire body trembled with ecstasy.

"Shit Frank - you are so fucking hot," Gerard groaned, pulling out his own dick and thrusting into his hand rapidly.

"Come here," I commanded, dragging him down next to me so I could take his cock into my mouth, and he didn't last much longer than I did, spilling into my mouth with a loud moan.

\-------------------------------------------

Gerard was just stepping out of the shower when I heard Brendon's voice again, telling me that they were minutes away.

"We made it with seconds to spare," I called out to him, still grinning like an idiot. The after effects of my orgasm had yet to wear off, not that I was complaining.

"See I told you we had time," Gerard pressed a quick kiss to my check before disappearing into our room to grab some clothes.

"Well I was technically right since we didn't actually have sex."

"Oh shut up - you know you liked it," Gerard teased me.

"I never said I was complaining!" I protested loudly.

"We have to do that again soon, you taste so fucking good." I felt my dick twitch in my pants at his words, and I knew I needed to end this conversation before it went any farther.

"I am going downstairs to meet them before you drag me back into bed again," I chuckled.

"Okay baby, I'll be there in a second," Gerard called out, digging through his clothes which always ended up on the floor in a pile, no matter how many times I hung them up in the closet.

As I descended the creaky stairs, I felt the beginning of a good set of nerves forming in my stomach. Besides Brendon - well and Pete - but I'd rather not think about that encounter right now, I hadn't seen another angel in months, and even though Brendon assured me that they were all on my side, I couldn't help but wonder if they truly accepted me, or if they just had no one else to turn to.

Their opinions shouldn't matter to me, but deep down, I yearned for their understanding. I had hated being thought of as a rouge or an outcast, and I was slightly terrified to face my one time friends knowing how much I had changed, because they might not like this new person I had become.

My worries were cut off by a complicated knock on the door, and my senses picked up quite a few angels (and was that a human as well?) standing on the front porch. Mikey bolted into the living room eagerly, he was excited to meet the new arrivals, and I didn't blame him. Gerard and I tried to spend as time with him as much as possible, but there wasn't a lot to do here besides lay around and watch movies, and even that got old eventually.

I pulled the door open quickly, because someone still hadn't stopped pounding on it, and I wasn't at all surprised to find out it was Brendon who had been having a bit too much fun knocking. I didn't even have time to utter a greeting before he pounced on me, wrapping me up in a forceful hug.

"Frankie!" Brendon squealed in my ear, quite loudly might I add.

"Hello to you too," I gasped out, my breathing constricted somewhat by his arms, which were currently crushing my ribcage.

"I have missed you!"

"I can't breathe Bren," I managed to huff out, causing him to finally release his vice-like grip on me.

"Aren't you going to invite us in?" he questioned cheekily, and I rolled my eyes obnoxiously.

"Yeah...yeah - come on in." Brendon giggled to himself before basically bouncing into what passed for our home.

Everyone else followed him inside, greeting me with either a pat on the back or a friendly hug. I recognized Ray, Vic, and Kellin, but there was one other angel that I hadn't seen before, not to mention the human who I still had no idea who they were, and they both failed to introduce themselves to me. Once they had all passed inside, I caught sight of someone who had been hanging in the background, out of my sight until just now.

"Patrick?" I gasped out in shock. Out of all the people I had expected to come with Brendon, he was not one of them.

"Hey Frank," he waved his hand awkwardly before letting it fall back down to his side.

"What are you doing here?" The last I had heard, Patrick had disappeared from Heaven after Pete's death, and even if he had come back, why the hell would he want to stay with me?

"I'm not mad Frank - not at you, so you don't have to look so scared okay?" A smile tugged at the corner of his lip, and I couldn't understand how he wasn't kicking my ass right now.

"But...I -"

"You killed Pete, I know," he stated bluntly, leaving me with my mouth hanging open mid-sentence.

"I tried not to, I really did...and I am so sorry..." I stuttered out, trying to find the right words, but turning up empty, because what could I possibly say to make this right? If one of my friends did anything to hurt Gerard, I would never be able to forgive them, no matter how good their intentions were.

"You don't have to apologize Frank, I made peace with what happened. That's why I'm here actually. I blame the archangels for his death. They fucked with his head and filled it with lies, so I am going to bring them down, even if it is the last thing I do." A look of fury contorted Patrick's features, and it didn't seem to fit right on his kind face, but I understood his determination, and I thanked God that he had chosen to focus his fury upon them instead of me, because I was incapable of harming another angel again, and I would have let Patrick kill me if that had been his purpose in coming here.

"I will do anything I can to make sure you get your vengeance." I clasped my hand through his, and when he returned my gesture, the guilt I had been carrying around with me since Pete's death lifted off of my heart, making me feel lighter than I had in a long time.

"Come on - let's go inside, it's freezing out here," Patrick laughed softly, heading through the still open doorway.

When I entered the living room, I saw that everyone had already made themselves comfortable. Vic and Kellin were smashed next to each other in the armchair by the fireplace, and Ray, Brendon, and the random human were all sitting on the couch with Mikey perched on the arm of it, looking like he was about to fall off at any moment. Gerard was standing in the middle of the room with his back facing me, and the angel I didn't recognize was cross-legged on the floor.

"So now that all of the emotional baggage is out of the way, we can get down to business," Brendon smiled at Patrick and I, and I gave him the thumbs up signal in return.

"First things first though Bren, I need some introductions. Why is there a human here and who is this?" I pointed to the nameless angel who was currently running his fingers through his messy black hair as he poured over a book he had perched in his lap.

"Oh yeah - this is Billie Joe, and you will never guess what his specialty is," Brendon basically squealed in excitement.

"Are you going to enlighten us?" I waited impatiently for his answer, fucking Brendon would use any opportunity to create suspense.

"He translates prophecies! It's not foolproof of course, but he is our best bet at discovering what the seventh prophecy from Joshua means."

"Seriously? Where have you been hiding man?" I asked curiously.

"Oh - the archangels kept me separated from the other angels. I don't really know why, but I had no contact with anyone but them until Brendon happened upon my room," he answered quickly before burying his face in the text again.

"Oh and the human is my boyfriend Ryan," Brendon added nonchalantly.

"You brought your boyfriend to a secret gathering of rebel angels?" I really shouldn't have been surprised - this was Brendon after all, but I had been caught off guard by his presence. I didn't think he would want Ryan involved in anything this dangerous.

"Oh don't give me that look Frank, Ryan is really smart, he can help us. Plus he can't stay long, he only got a week off of work, so he will be out of here long before any action happens."

"If you say so," I mumbled quietly.

"So where is everyone else? I thought Frank said there were hundreds of you." Gerard asked softy.

"Oh there is, they are just off searching for a place to stay. There was no way we would all fit here, even if some people were willing to sleep on the roof, so I just brought the Dream Team," Brendon replied.

"I told you to stop calling us the Dream Team," Ray grumbled under his breath, causing Mikey to laugh much louder than the comment called for.

"Oh give it a break Ray, it could be a lot worse," Vic called out.

The group erupted into playful banter at that point, and Gerard took the opportunity to pull me aside for a moment.

"Hey baby - I think I'm going to go take a walk really quick. I'm not used to this many people, and I need to clear my head," he whispered in my ear.

"Are you sure? You can go lie down if you want?" I placed my hand on his cheek gently, and I flinched slightly when it burned my skin. His fever was much worse than it had been earlier…

"No, I need to get out of the house completely. Fewer temptations you know?" He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke, looking down at the ground determinedly.

"Okay baby...if you think it will help. Just don't take too long okay?" I was used to Gerard's desire to be outside, he said the biting cold helped with the side effects, and even though I didn't like him spending so much time out in the harsh elements, I couldn't deny him something that could soothe him.

"I'll be back soon," he promised, pressing a swift kiss to my lips before gathering his coat, eliciting a cat call from Brendon.

"Shut up. Do you want me doing that every time you kiss Ryan?" I glared at Brendon, trying to fight down the blush I felt rising to my cheeks.

"Oh we will be doing a lot more than that. Speaking of, I hope all of you brought earplugs," Brendon winked while poor Ryan buried his face in his hands.

"Remind me why I invited you guys again?" I grumbled to myself.

"Hey Mikes - I'm heading out, you wanna come with me?" Gerard called out to his brother as he finished wrapping a scarf around his neck.

"Um no...I think I'll stay here," Mikey stammered out, shooting sideways glances at Ray out of the corner of his eye.

"Okay then, I'll be back in a bit." Gerard waved to everyone before heading out.

"Aw - did we scare your boyfriend off?" Brendon cooed in an annoying voice.

"No you didn't, he has just been having some problems since we last talked," I signed before plopping down on the couch next to Ryan.

"Really? What happened?" Brendon became serious instantly.

I explained to him all about how the expedition to Hell had gone, he knew that Gerard had made it out, but none of the grittier details, so I filled him in on everything, including Gerard's addiction to Livian. Everyone listened attentively, and I found myself having to backtrack during my story numerous times to explain things to them. My mouth was dry by the time I had finished my tale.

"Fuck man - that's rough..." Kellin exclaimed once I had finally stopped talking.

"We were kind of hoping you guys might know of a cure, because if not, I think I will have to heal him with holy fire eventually, and that wasn't exactly a walk in the park the last time." Of course, mentioning that meant I had to relate what had happened to cause me to have to heal him in the first place, and soon I found myself giving a brief summary of almost everything that had transpired since I had left Heaven.

"I don't remember reading about a cure, but I will look again as soon as I can find that book," Brendon assured me once I had finished catching everyone up.

"Thanks Brendon, I don't know what we would do without you."

"Hey guys...Gee has been gone for a while, I think I am gonna go look for him," Mikey announced nervously.

I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, jumping out of my seat when I realized that almost three hours had passed since we had started talking, and Gerard never took that long on his walks, especially not when it was dark out.

"I'll go with you," I immediately began searching for my coat, fumbling with the buttons in my haste.

"We can all help look for him, it won't take long at all with this many eyes." Brendon stood up and everyone followed suit.

"Thank you guys, I don't know where he could be...this isn't like him." I twisted my hands together nervously while I waited for everyone to don their jackets.

"Calm down Frank, I'm sure he's fine. He probably just lost track of the time, that's all." Mikey placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, but I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't believe his statement any more than I did, but at least he was trying to think positively. A large lump had formed in my throat, preventing me from speaking, so I simply nodded in acknowledgment.

Within minutes, the sky was filled with a flurry of wings as we took to the air, searching desperately for a glimpse of Gerard's shocking red hair. As the seconds ticked by with still no sign of him, terror flooded my veins, because Gerard couldn't have just vanished, which means something must have happened to him.

Maybe his condition got worse - maybe he collapsed from the fever, and now the snow was burying his body, hiding it from our prying eyes. It would take ages to find him if that were the case, and I needed to know where he was now before my heart exploded from fear.

Just when I was beginning to lose hope, a flash of red filled my vision, and I banked toward it eagerly, but when I flew closer to the color that had drawn my eyes, I realized it wasn't Gerard's familiar hair - it was too dark for that, and much too large from my vantage point.

I wanted to scream when it became apparent what the stain of red was, but I couldn't make a sound, because what was staring me in the face was my worst nightmare personified in the form of blood, haphazardly splashed across the pure white snow, like paint staining a blank canvas, and it had stolen my voice, along with my ability to function entirely.

I dropped out of the sky heavily, forgetting to pump my wings in my shock, and even though my breath was knocked out of me when I hit the ground, I didn't feel it. My entire body had gone numb, and not because of the cold.

I had landed in the center of whatever had happened here, and I forced myself to lift my head out of the snow so I could better survey the scene.

The white powder was torn up in some places, revealing the dying grass underneath, and if I had to guess, I would say that some sort of fight had occurred, which explained the blood, but not who was involved, and not where Gerard was now.

I tried to force my mind to think, to act, to do something, but it responded sluggishly, not wanting to reach the only apparent conclusion to this situation, which was that something terrible had happened to Gerard.

"Frank?" I heard someone call my name - Mikey I think, but I couldn't answer, I had still lost my voice.

I forced my deadened limbs to pull themselves up, dragging myself to my knees so I could study the area without snow clogging my vision. Movement caught my eye, inspiring me to get to my feet so I could discover its source.

What I found wasn't what I had been hoping for, it wasn't Gerard making his way back to me safe and sound; instead, it was a piece of paper, stabbed into the snow with a slender knife to prevent it from blowing away.

I gently removed the blade so I could get a better look at the words the parchment contained, but as my eyes scanned over it, I almost wished I hadn't found it, because now I knew for sure what had happened, and the knowledge was like a blow to the head.

Nausea suddenly overwhelmed me, and I found myself heaving in the snow, throwing up the contents of my stomach painfully until I had nothing left in me. I wiped my eyes with shaking hands, trying to eliminate the tears so I could read the note again, just to make sure that I hadn't made a mistake.

But the words hadn't changed, no matter how much I willed them too. They were burned across my mind as well, taunting me with the message they carried, and even when I closed my eyes, because I couldn't stand to look at the letter for one moment longer, they danced across my lids as if they were imprinted there, and I would never be able to forget them.

_Your demon is back where he belongs_  
_This is what happens to people who take things that are mine_  
_If you want him, you know where to find him_  
_See you in Hell_  
_-Lucifer_


	32. Private Angel Log Entry Ten

**Private Angel Log Entry Ten**

"I'm going after him."

"Frank you can't, that's exactly what Lucifer wants you to do, and all that will end up happening is that you will die and leave Gerard completely alone. Is that what you want?" Brendon crossed his arms over his chest as he argued with me.

"Of course not, but if you think I am going to leave him to rot in Hell then you obviously don't know me very well," I snapped back bitterly.

"You know that's not what I mean...all I am saying is that if you go storming off to spit in Lucifer's face, you will just end up dead, and you are no help to Gerard that way."

"Gerard made it out of Hell," I protested stubbornly, even though I was running out of points to bring up. We had been debating this for an hour now, and I was two seconds away from flying off with or without his consent.

"Gerard had the element of surprise on his side. If you go down there, Lucifer will be ready with everything he has at his disposal, and you won't survive that - none of us will."

"I never said you had to come with me," I shot back angrily, not that I was actually upset with Brendon. His words made sense, I just didn't want to hear them, all I wanted was Gerard back safe and sound. I needed to hold him in my arms again, he had only been missing for a few hours, and I was already a wreck, which didn’t bode well for my mental state if I wasn’t able to extricate him soon.

I was currently pacing around the living room with my wings fully extended in an attempt to warm them up, they had been almost frozen solid from my extended flight in the harsh weather conditions, and I was only just beginning to regain some feeling in them.

I couldn't seem to keep still, because that made it seem like I wasn't doing anything productive, so I continued my pointless trek; walking back and forth over the rug so many times, I was surprised that I hadn’t worn straight through it already.

The others had convinced me to return back to the lodge, but not before I had searched the surrounding wilderness for any sign of Gerard for hours, and I only agreed because I was so cold, I could barely stay in the air.

This place felt empty now…when only hours before it had been filled with life and love, and I couldn't call it my home - not anymore, and it wouldn't be one until Gerard graced it with his presence again.

"You are an idiot if you think we aren't going to help you with this. We just need to calm down and think of a plan okay?" Brendon tried to lay a comforting hand on my arm, but I pulled out of his grasp roughly.

"Fuck that! I need to find him now - fuck - he's probably being tortured as we speak..." I collapsed onto the couch, overcome by a sudden wave of weakness, and if I hadn't already puked my guts out earlier, I would have thrown up on the living room floor.

The mental images my mind provided me with were enough to make anyone nauseous, all of them involving a bloody and broken Gerard, calling out my name desperately as I watched, unable to do anything to help him.

I wrapped my wings around my body in a pathetic attempt to shield myself from the world, which actually only made me think of Gerard even more, because he loved when I would encase him in my feathers. He told me it made him feel protected and loved, but I had failed to keep him safe this time…

"We will save him Frank, I promise." Brendon sank down on the cushion next to me warily, but my fury was receding, and crippling depression was rapidly taking its place.

"I might have an idea," Billie Joe spoke up softly from his original position on the floor. Even though most of the seats were now free since everyone else had retreated to their rooms to give us some privacy, he had remained there, and I had managed to forget about his presence entirely until just now.

"Well spit it out then!" I hissed in exasperation. If I had been in a normal state of mind, I would have felt badly for speaking in such a rude tone to an angel I barely knew, but obviously I had more pressing concerns on my mind.

"Well it's evident that you can't retrieve Gerard from Hell. That's suicide, plain and simple, so you need to draw Lucifer out instead."

"And how do you propose I do that?" I sighed heavily, because that seemed even more impossible than rescuing Gerard single handily.

"By giving him something he wants," Billie shrugged like the answer was simple, but I was still fucking confused.

"Stop talking in riddles please?" Brendon whined, and I was glad to know I wasn't the only one who wasn't following this strange angel's train of thought.

"Well...promise him something, it doesn't really matter what, and you don't even have to follow through on it. Tell him you will give him intelligence on the archangel’s movements, or that you will set up a situation where he can attack them unaware. Anything that will get him out of Hell and up here, where you have a much better chance of coming out of the encounter alive," Billie finally spoke more than one sentence, and I had to admit, his idea was a good one.

"But how do I guarantee that he will bring Gerard with him?" I pressed eagerly.

"Make it a condition of your meeting, and even if he doesn't follow through on it, you can have some of us standing by to try and break him out of Hell if he leaves him, it will be easier without Lucifer there."

"That could work..." I mused to myself, but apparently Billie wasn't done talking.

"It is by no means a flawless plan, and it still has a lot of kinks that need to be worked out...I can already see twenty five instances in which this could all go terrible wrong, and the chance of Gerard surviving long enough for us to reach him is only about twelve percent -"

"Thank you Billie, but I think that's enough scheming for one night," Brendon cut him off before he could finish his thought, and Billie snapped his mouth shut with an audible click.

"Well I will be in my room if you need me," he muttered before walking off at a slow pace.

"Sorry about that, Billie Joe is just really...special. He's like super fucking smart, and he is always calculating things in his head, but I didn't think you really wanted to hear the odds of Gerard being saved laid out like that," Brendon explained guiltily.

"It's okay...I mean, at least he thought of a plan...that's something." His idea had actually given me a bit of hope, but now that he was gone, the full impact of this situation began to overwhelm me again, and it took all the strength I possessed not to start sobbing on the sofa.

"I'm so fucking stupid Bren...I shouldn't have let him go out alone. Fucking hell, we should have moved locations ages ago! I got complacent, and Gerard is paying the price..."

"You can't blame yourself Frank. Lucifer was pissed, he probably would have tracked you down no matter where you went." Brendon continued to try and lighten my mood, but it was a pointless effort, and I just wanted to be left alone so I could go after Gerard, but I think he knew that, and it was for that reason that he had glued himself to my side.

"At least let me go out and look for him again, maybe he got away somehow and we just missed him in the dark?" I pleaded desperately, because I had to do something - anything, to keep myself from going insane, even though I knew he wasn’t hiding somewhere in the snow, but I wanted to remain in denial for a little while longer.

"Frank - we canvased the area for miles...it’s pointless, and I'm not letting you freeze to death out there."

"What am I supposed to do Bren...he's my everything and I - I can't stand the thought of him being back in Hell...it's killing me," I choked out softly.

"You need to sleep, and then in the morning, we will expand on Billie Joe's idea." Brendon seemed so confident in our ability to rescue Gerard, but right now, I couldn't see how that was possible. My brain was scrambled from the shock of everything that had just occurred, and maybe I did need some rest - just enough so that I could think properly again.

"Fine..." I gave in sullenly, even though I felt terribly guilty for giving up on Gerard, even if it was just for the night, and I climbed the stairs to what had been our room with weighted feet and an even heavier heart, while Brendon followed me like an obedient watch dog.

“Just try and relax for a bit, and I swear to god, if you aren’t in your room when I check on you, I am going to be fucking pissed.” Brendon smiled weakly, and I simply nodded in return, because I wasn’t going to sneak out behind his back, not when I knew that it would do absolutely nothing to help Gerard.

As I was climbing into bed, I had to fight another wave a sickness, because it wasn’t fair that I was here while Gerard was probably shackled in the bowels of Hell, and I would give anything in the world to reverse our positions.

I would trade my life for his in an instant if I could actually trust that Lucifer would keep his word, and I wasn’t willing to risk everything on that slight chance. Knowing him, he would simply kill us both, but even that situation seemed more appealing than the one I was currently in.

I was feeling so many different sensations all at once it was making me dizzy; one second I was brimming with righteous hatred, and all I wanted to do was storm off and fight my way through Hell, regardless of the chances of success, and then the next, I was on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so badly that I couldn’t wield a weapon.

I knew I needed to consider this rationally if I wanted to save Gerard, but it was impossible to separate myself from anything involving him, and I was terrified that it might get both of us killed if I didn’t manage to get my emotions under control.

As I gazed around, taking in the messy pile of clothes that Gerard had tossed onto the floor carelessly to his favorite pair of boots that were propped carefully against the wall so they wouldn’t get scuffed by mistake, I wanted to cry, or scream, or punch the wall, but I did none of those things; because I knew that if I gave in to my despair, I wouldn’t be able to drag myself out, so I forced myself to stay completely still until I was certain that I wasn’t going to destroy the place in a fit of sorrow.

I couldn’t stay in this room that held so many memories of Gerard, but at the same time, I didn’t want to leave, because it was the only reminder I had of him right now, and even though it just made me long for him even more, it also helped me feel closer to him. I collapsed on the bed limply, exhausted in body, but wide awake mentally, choking back my tears as I crawled under the blankets.

I wasn't surprised when sleep eluded me, I couldn't even close my eyes without visions of Gerard dancing across my lids, and his scent that was still present on the pillow wasn't helping matters any. I buried my face into it, breathing in deeply, trying to pretend that he was lying here beside me, and that all the events that had transpired earlier tonight were some horrible nightmare, and when I woke up, Gerard would be snuggled into my side, and everything would be perfect.


	33. Pain

**Gerard’s POV:**

_Pain._

_It consumes me...destroys me...it has become me._

_I am blistering agony - no longer am I a person with thoughts, and emotions, and feelings. I am pain - pain is me - whatever else I was has been erased by this unending torment._

I never imagined anything like this, and I had been through quite a bit in my short life span. Killing myself hurt much more than I thought it would; my stomach felt as if I had poured fire into it instead of pills and vodka, and the convulsions ripped their way through my body in tortuous waves.

But that was nothing compared to this, even being sliced open by that demon seemed paltry in comparison. I laugh at myself now, I was so naive to think that I knew true agony.

Even when I had been healed by Frank's holy fire; which I had previously thought to be the worst feeling I had ever experienced, it seems so small a thing now. That pain is something I would gladly beg for every day if it freed me from what I am currently going through.

I don't know how this happened, I had been so careless to allow those demons to sneak up on me unaware. I should have sensed them, even though I was suffering from the side effects of my Livian withdrawal.

Still, I fought viciously, killing at least two of them before they brought me to my knees, filling my body with poisoned arrows so I could not escape. There was just too many of them...at least ten against my one, and I never even had a chance.

I screamed for help, desperate for someone to come save me, but I had wandered too far away from the house, and no one heard my cries.

I cannot recall much else after that point, the venom addled my brain and left me paralyzed and weak. I know that they dragged me to Hell...before Lucifer himself.

I spit in his face, which was something I had been longing to do since the moment I met him. That of course earned me a hard slap across the cheek, but it didn't matter. Nothing I did would save me from whatever fate he had in mind for me. I had committed the ultimate taboo of running away, and now I was finally paying the price for my deed.

Apparently stealing the Livian had been the last straw, according to Lucifer, he had been willing to let me wander earth for a time until he could be bothered with me, but taking his valuable stash right under his nose had inflamed his rage, and he had forced all of his trackers to the surface with orders not to return until I was found.

It was worth it though...because Mikey was safe. I knew the demons hadn't caught him. They didn't even seemed bothered by the fact that he was still out there, free from Lucifer's grasp, and I wasn't going to bring that to their attention anytime soon.

He is safe I think, surrounded by angels that can protect him. Even Lucifer wouldn't dare to face that many of them at once. It is hard to bring their names to mind, but I know they exist, and I trust them to watch over Mikey when I cannot.

I am trapped in the Wastelands now, frozen here for any demon to come torment me as they please, and many have taken the opportunity to gloat over how Lucifer's golden boy has fallen so far. I find it laughable that I never even realized how highly Lucifer regarded me until just now, but evidently he had great hopes for me, and I found joy in the fact that I had dragged those through the dust.

Lucifer himself has visited me quite often, and those are the worst torture sessions by far. He knows exactly how to inflict the most pain without causing me to pass out, and even though I try my best to conceal my screams and whimpers, he manages to elicit them from me every time.

I have no concept of how long I have been trapped here...for days surely, even though it feels like weeks. A minute stretches to eternity in my mind, and I cannot judge the passing of time by the sun and stars, it is always dark and foggy in the Wastelands.

I will die here - I know it. I am already a shell of whoever I once was, and even if someone were able to save me, my mind would be ruined. I don't want that to happen though, I can't let anyone risk getting trapped here with me all in a pathetic bid to save my already ruined soul.

Everything that once defined me is being slowly stripped away - bit by bit. My memories are fading into nothing, each time I am tortured, I lose a bit more. I cannot remember anything about my life before I became a demon besides a few small facts, and I think even some of my more recent life has begun to disappear - it is hard to tell once you have forgotten it.

I barely even remember my name anymore. I have to repeat it to myself constantly in the few moments I am left by myself.

_I am Gerard –_  
_I am Gerard Way._  
_Son of Donald and Donna Way._  
_Brother to Michael James Way..._

But that is not the memory I struggle the hardest to hold onto. Even if I forget who I am, I cannot allow myself to forget him.

_Frank_

I fill my head with images of my angel. It helps a bit - not enough though, and I know that eventually, I will forget him too, and when that happens, I will die. Maybe not physically; because I am sure Lucifer intends to torture me until the end of time, but mentally, I will no longer exist.

I dig through what is left of my memory banks again, because I have actually been left alone for a short time. Lucifer called all the demons away for some sort of meeting....and I can't bring myself to care enough to discover what it is about.

I envision Frank's gorgeous face, the way his dark hair flips over his forehead carelessly, no matter how many times he tries to brush it away with his hands. The way his tattoos ripple when he moves, he is a work of art on a living breathing canvas, and I never got the chance to tell him that in person. He would laugh at me for that comment - I can almost hear his giggle - a sound that never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I recall the way it felt when he would wrap his arms around me in my sleep, how I would be instantly comforted by his simple presence. I looked forward to bed every night simply because we would be alone together, and even if we were just lying there, I enjoyed every second that was spent with him.

My favorite memory by far is the sparks that would emit from our conjoined lips, the indescribable feeling when we would become one. Never before in my life have I felt so loved and happy...and now I will never feel that way again.

I treasure each mental image I have of him, keeping them at the forefront of my mind so that hopefully, they will be the last thing that fades away when I am truly broken.

Oh god Frank...I can't even image what he is doing right now. He must have found the signs of my fight with the demons, and it is not a far jump to guess what had happened to me.

Is he hanging on without me? I can’t stand the thought of him shedding tears for my sake, and I am not there to brush them away and offer him comfort. He was so afraid for me when I went to Hell to gather the Livian for Mikey…what must he be feeling now?

Even though the last thing I want is for Frank to put himself in any danger, I can't help but wonder why he hasn't come looking for me. It doesn't matter anyway - I am too damaged to be saved; but I ache to see his face one more time before the end. What I wouldn't give to have him encase me in his wings and whisper to me that everything was going to be okay, even though we would both know that is a lie.

I cannot think like this, it will only make me weaker. Frank can't help me - no one can, and I just need to accept my fate and be glad that I experienced the joys of loving Frank, even though our time together was cut much too short.

"Wakey wakey fucker," an unfamiliar voice hissed, and I kept my eyes closed in a pointless act of defiance. It wasn’t like I was actually asleep - how could I be when they kept me in such horrendous conditions?

"Fine, make it more difficult for yourself. That just means more fun for me," the demon hissed, and I braced myself for whatever was coming next. I heard an all too familiar crack, and I knew without looking that he had chosen the whip to torture me with today.

My body trembled beneath his blows, but I stayed silent. This demon had not yet perfected the art of delivering pain; I had been subjected to much worse recently, or maybe I was just growing hardened to it all because I was always in agony now.

That wasn't to say it was a pleasant experience though, and when he was finally done, I was a bleeding mass of flesh. Once he was out of earshot, I allowed a small whimper to escape my mouth, I hated giving them the satisfaction of making me cry out; it was too demeaning, so I withheld my voice until I was alone.

The pain had not faded with his departure, instead, it seemed to be growing steadily stronger with each passing second. I still healed - albeit much more slowly than I should have. I wondered if that was an effect of the Wastelands, or if they had coated all the instruments of torture with Silverthorn, the same substance the first demon that tracked me down had put on his claws. It didn't matter though - nothing really mattered anymore.

I fell back into my routine that I had made for myself every time I was left to my own devices. I could feel my mind beginning to unhinge, and I knew it wouldn't be long before my constant recitation of my memories would no longer be enough, but for now, it was all I had in the way of defense.

_I am Gerard Way_  
_My brother is Mikey Way._  
_I am in love with Frank_  
_He is my angel_  
_Frank..._

I missed him so badly that even just thinking his name hurt right now. Tears were streaming down my face without me even being conscious of the fact.

Maybe it would be better to forget him...then I would have nothing left to miss, no recollections of better times torturing me with the perfection of what we once had.

I should just let myself go, if I lose my mind here, I won't even realize what I am missing out on - maybe that will lessen the pain.

I don't want to think anymore, I am tired of these feelings of remorse and abandonment. The agony of being separated from Frank is one thousand times worse than the most extreme beatings I have received in my time here.

A small part of me realizes that this is exactly what Lucifer wants me to do, he wants to break me down until I am no longer recognizable, and I don’t want to let him win.

But I am so tired…my entire being is crumbling, and I am helpless to do anything except sit back and watch.

_I am breaking…_  
_I can't do this..._  
_It is too much..._  
_Frank - I will always love you..._  
_But I have to let you go..._  
_I am giving up..._  
_I am no longer Gerard Way..._  
_I am nothing..._  
_I am only pain..._


	34. Private Angel Log Entry Eleven

**Private Angel Log Entry Eleven**

"This seems like a really bad idea..." Ray protested nervously, and under normal circumstances, I might have agreed with him, but right now, he was just pissing me off.

"Well I don't hear you coming up with anything better," I snapped back. My temper had been horrendous lately, but no one really blamed me for it. Being separated from Gerard turned me into an asshole; I had discovered that the first time he had left me to get the Livian, and apparently it still held true.

It had been six days since Gerard had been taken, and I was strung so tightly, I was liable to snap at any moment. Only the fact that I needed to be semi-cognizant to hammer out the finer point of our plans to save him had stopped me from falling into a deep depression, and I was walking a fine line that would be oh so easy to step off of into the tempting darkness.

"Stop arguing guys. This is the best chance we have of saving Gerard, and we aren't changing it now," Brendon sighed in exasperation. He had appointed himself as the mediator of our small group, and we were all testing his patience lately - which was a feat in itself; Brendon was usually the one driving us crazy.

"I wasn't trying to argue...I just think we really need to consider the consequences of this," Ray pressed his point, but his misgivings wouldn't stop anything now; our plan had already been set in motion.

After much debate, we had decided that the only way to successfully draw Lucifer out of Hell would be to set up a situation in which he would have to show up, or else risk looking like a coward that couldn't follow through on his word.

We had quickly thrown away our earlier idea of trying to barter for Gerard's life with information about Heaven, there were too many chances that something would go wrong, and Lucifer's spies probably knew almost as much as we did. Even if we managed to procure something he wanted to know, there was no guarantee that he would keep his word and hand Gerard over to us in exchange.

So in the end, we had chosen to do something drastic. From what Bob had told us about the situation in Hell before he had departed, Lucifer was gearing up for war, and the archangels were doing the same, so we were going to give them both the spark they needed to ignite their hatred of each other into an all-out inferno.

Even as we spoke, Vic and Kellin were winging their way towards Heaven and Hell respectively, carrying missives that appeared to be from Lucifer and the archangel Oliver, which would hopefully be too tempting for both sides to refuse.

I was worried for their safety, but they were not going to actually enter either realm, instead, they had been instructed to drop the messages into the portals to both realms, so they shouldn't be in any real danger.

Billie Joe had decided on the words, he had spent the most time with Oliver, and he knew his writing patterns well, so he was able to whip up a convincing challenge to Lucifer, and we had used Lucifer's note he had left when he had taken Gerard as an outline for his letter, copying the handwriting and short sentences in a way that hopefully would be very convincing.

In summary, both missives declared a challenge to the other, telling them to stop dancing around the sidelines and prove their worth three days hence at Black Rock Desert. We had picked that location because it was remote, and there would be less chance of either side staging an ambush, because the sands did not offer many places to hide. Hopefully, no humans would notice the massive gathering of supernatural creatures, but that was a risk we were going to have to take.

We were anticipating on being able to defuse both sides before the fighting became too intense, we simply needed the distraction so we would be able to free Gerard right from under Lucifer's nose. With the hundreds of angels that were now on our side, we planned to create a barrier of some sorts while we attempted to talk the angels down. If they refused to listen to us, we would wing our way out before the fighting became too heated, extending an invitation to any angels that wanted to join us before we left.

On the off chance that Lucifer didn't take Gerard with him, Vic and Kellin would be waiting for our signal by the portal to Hell. Lucifer would most likely bring all of his troops to the battlefield, so they would have no problem sneaking into Hell and freeing Gerard while the demons were otherwise occupied. Besides myself, they were the two fastest angels I knew, and I trusted that they would be able to pull this off if it became necessary.

It was a sketchy scheme at best, and I knew it, but we really didn't have any other options, and time was running out. I should have been concerned about the potential war we might be starting, but it seemed paltry in comparison to Gerard's safety. We would deal with the fallout after he was back in my arms.

Brendon and Ryan had thought up this whole plan basically on their own, with quite a bit of help from Billie of course. I had been next to useless when it came to formulating a way to save Gerard, I had been all for storming Hell - fuck the consequences, and I was immensity grateful to them for their logical input. Brendon wasn't kidding when he said Ryan was smart; for a human, he had an amazing grasp on supernatural politics, and without him, this plan wouldn't have come together half as quickly as it did.

But now that everything had been solidified, Ray was having serious doubts, and even though I understood where he was coming from, I didn’t want to hear anymore. I wasn't even sure why we were still talking about this, what was done is done, and arguing about it wasn't going to make it any better.

As Ray and Brendon continued to bicker, I walked away from them, wanting a few quiet minutes to myself, even though I probably shouldn't be left alone for too long, or my fears would begin to consume me again.

I sunk down onto the couch in the living room tiredly, burying my face in my hands. I could still faintly hear the voices coming from the kitchen, which is where everyone else has gathered since our maps were laid out all over the large table, but I didn't want to go back up to my room, because it seemed too empty without Gerard there.

I felt the cushions dip down beside me with an added weight, and I lifted my head up to see Mikey settling down next to me with a pained expression on his face.

"Hey kid..." I greeted him fondly. Even though I wanted to be left alone, I knew Mikey was feeling the same way as I was, and I didn't want to push him away.

"Frank...what if this doesn't work?" he asked timidly.

"I can't think about that Mikey, if I do, I won't be able to keep going," I answered him truthfully. I knew that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t have the energy to lie to him today.

"I fucked up Frank..." Mikey choked out, causing me to send him a questioning look.

"What do you mean? You couldn't have done anything to stop this," I tried to comfort him, but tears began to spill over his cheeks rapidly.

"He asked me to go walk with him - he fucking wanted company and I turned him down, all because of a pretty face. What the fuck was I thinking...I could have been with him when they caught him, I could have helped - or something." Mikey was borderline hysterical now, and I had no idea how to calm him down.

"Mikey - don't say that. None of us had any idea this would happen, and you would only have been captured too -"

"Shut up Frank - just shut up! How can you be so fucking calm! My brother is being tortured...he could be dead. You are supposed to love him, and we are just sitting here while he is dying!" Mikey screamed in my face. I had never seen him like this before, and even though I understood where his rage was coming from, his words fueled my own pent up aggression.

"Don't you dare fucking say that I don't love him! I have been tearing myself up about this every night...and if it would help him at all, I would have gone to Hell the very second we discovered he was gone. Just because I am trying to hold it together and actually save him doesn't mean I don't care!" I yelled back, trying to hide how badly Mikey’s words had hurt me with my anger.

"Fuck - Frank I'm sorry. Just -" Mikey's fury visibly drained out his body, but before I could tell him that I wasn't upset, he darted upstairs to his room, sobbing quietly as he went.

I debated going after him, but I didn't want to antagonize him again, and he might just need some time alone to cool down. When I glanced up, I saw Ray, Brendon, and Ryan standing in the entryway to the kitchen, gazing at me with pity filled eyes.

"I'll go check on Mikey..." Ray whispered quietly before slowly climbing up the creaky stairs.

"You okay Frank?" Ryan asked softly, and I simply shook my head, not trusting my voice to speak right now.

"He didn't mean it Frank, he's just hurting." Brendon walked to my side and pulled me into a brief hug.

"I know...believe me I do," I mumbled softly.

"We only have to make it three more days Frank, and then you will see Gerard again." Ryan smiled cheerfully, but I couldn't share his optimism.

Mikey's words had made all my buried fears resurface to the front of my mind once again, and now that they were there, I couldn't ignore them. So much could happen in three days, we could be too late, or something could go wrong on the battlefield…

Or even worse...Gerard could already be dead. I had refused to let myself consider the possibility, I didn't think Lucifer would let Gerard off that easily anyway - he was a well-known lover of the art of torture, but there was always a chance that Gerard was no longer among the living.

"I need some air..." I gasped out. The what-ifs were crushing me, making it hard to breathe, and I needed to escape this stuffy house for a little bit.

"Take Billie with you," Brendon commanded, ever since Gerard had been taken, no one was allowed to go anywhere alone, but it seemed like too little too late in my mind.

"Fine," I agreed quickly, just needing to be out under the open sky until I calmed down a bit, and Billie didn't speak much, so hopefully he would continue that pattern right now. I didn’t want to have to fake my way through a conversation in my current state of mind.

Billie stood up from his spot in the armchair next to the fireplace, pulling on a coat before following me outside without a word, keeping his eyes downcast on the book he carried with him.

I began walking aimlessly, I had no destination in mind, I just need to move so maybe I could leave my worries in the dust.

That plan backfired entirely when I noticed where we had ended up - the very patch of land where Gerard had been taken. It hadn't snowed recently, so I could still see the splashes of blood and torn up ground where Gerard had made his final stand. Having this visual reminder right in front of my face broke the tenuous grip I had kept on my emotions, and the backlash brought me to my knees with its intensity.

Forgetting about Billie Joe's presence completely, I collapsed on the ground in a heap, sobbing quietly as I dug my fingers into the cold soil.

I couldn't live with this guilt, Mikey was right...we hadn't done enough to protect Gerard, and we were continuing to fail him each day he was trapped in Hell.

Even if this plan worked, he was being subjected to nameless tortures every hour he was there, and I didn't want to wait three more days - or even three more minutes.

I knew it was for the best though, and if I let myself do something rash, I could ruin any chance of saving my demon...but that didn't make the pain any easier to bear. I curled in on myself in a pointless effort to lessen the agony my heart was in.


	35. Private Angel Log Entry Twelve

**Private Angel Log Entry Twelve**

"He is still alive you know."

Billie Joe's voice cut through the still air after an undetermined amount of time, the sun was still high in the sky, but I had been lying in the snow long enough for my entire body to go numb, so possibly half an hour had passed since I had collapsed in tears.

"How can you be so sure?" I choked out, regaining my feet slowly and wrapping my coat around myself to protect my body from the biting cold.

"Because of the seventh prophecy of Joshua," he answered flippantly. Usually, his aloof manner annoyed me, but right now, I was just happy that someone wasn't smothering me with pointless words of comfort, even if I didn't really understand what Billie was going on about.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked warily.

"It's about you two - obviously. Well I didn't know that until I met you, but now that I do, it's as plain as day."

"I don't understand..." I replied slowly as I tried to rack my brain to recall the words of said prophecy. Everything had been such a mess lately, I had almost completely forgotten about it until just now.

"It isn't that hard to figure out, I'm surprised you didn't see it before actually, but I guess when you are involved, it could be overlooked. Still, at least one of you should have noticed," Billie replied in an exasperated tone of voice.

"I'm sorry we aren't all as smart as you Billie," I scoffed in reply, my earlier anger was beginning to resurface, but I tried to tamp it down.

"You don't want to be..." Billie sighed quietly as a look of pain contorted his face momentarily.

"Were you always like this...you know - before you died?" I pushed gently. I could tell by his expression that something was troubling him, and I was curious now, my earlier resentment forgotten already.

"No...well - I mean, I was always smart. I had a higher IQ than most people, which is probably why the archangels chose me for their little project in the first place." Billie scrapped some snow off a nearby rock and settled himself onto it. I sat down on the ground next to him, my ass was already frozen, and I could barely feel the cold seeping through my clothes.

"So they made you the way you were?" I asked when he remained silent for a full minute.

"I was recruited as soon as I died. I briefly debated ascending - I was no soldier, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to discover what life would be like as an angel. My thirst for knowledge wouldn't let me, and I came to seriously regret my decision." He inhaled heavily, and I could sense that relating his story pained him.

"You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to," I reassured him, even though I was basically dying to know by this point.

"No - it's okay. It's just that I haven't talked about this much - only Brendon knows actually." He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace instead.

"He was the one that found you right?" I recalled Brendon saying something like that, it had just gotten lost in everything else that had happened recently.

"He did - thank god for that. I had been debating trying to kill myself before he discovered me. I was tired of being the archangel’s pawn, and things had been getting unbearable ever since they basically overtook Heaven," he admitted ruefully.

"Oh Billie..." I didn't know what else to say. Angels could end their lives, but it was basically unheard of. Only two in all of history had done it, and the fear of the final death kept most of us from even considering that option.

"It's okay - I don't need your pity. I wasn't really living anyway. I never even once left Heaven...as soon as the archangels got their hands on me, they began testing their numerous theories - which I won’t go into detail about. I wasn’t the only one they experimented on, but none of the others survived. Because of my raised intelligence, they attempted to expand it so I would have almost uncanny powers to predict future events." Billie’s hands clenched into fists, and I could see the effort it was taking him to control his emotions.

"And I am assuming it worked?" I pushed when his voice trailed off again. It was clear that Billie Joe wasn't used to talking much, and he needed constant prodding to continue his story.

"Better than they ever imagined actually - the fact that I didn’t die was a miracle in itself. Their intention had been to have me be able to predict prophecies so they could be aware of what is coming in the hopes that they could twist them in their favor, but there were other side effects too. I can see...auras around angels - only them; it doesn't seem to work on demons or humans for some reason."

"Auras as in you can sense our emotions?" I questioned in a confused tone of voice.

"No - not like that. I can sense how strong another angel is, which also allows me to determine how long they have been in Heaven - relatively speaking, but the worst thing is that I can also feel when they are close to death. They get this black cloud around them, the darker and denser it is, the closer they are to the final death..."

"That's amazing..." I gasped out, but Billie Joe was violently shaking his head.

"No - it's terrible...I despise it. Just imagine it Frank - knowing when your friends were going to die, and not being able to do anything about it - not that I have had many friends until recently, but still...one day I think it will drive me mad," he choked out softly.

"Is one of us going to die soon?" That probably wasn't the right thing to say at the moment, but I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind, and by the way Billie Joe was reacting, it was obvious that was the case.

"You don't want to know...it won't help, and believe me, you do not need that burden on your shoulders. The archangels tried to change what I saw, but it never worked - not even once." Billie crossed his arms over his chest as if to protect his knowledge from the world, and I didn't push him; because I did understand what he meant by saying that knowledge was more of a curse than a gift, and now that I thought about it, I really didn't want that information torturing me.

"So if you can't see auras around demons, how do you know that Gee is still alive?" I tried to change the subject to something a little less upsetting - for Billie anyway.

"I already told you, he is a part of the seventh prophecy of Joshua, and if he was dead, I would know, because the prophecy would be broken."

"You still didn't really explain how you are so sure of that fact," I tried to hold back the bite in my tone, but it emerged despite my best efforts.

"It's another power I have. When I read an original copy of a prophecy, I can tell approximately when it is going to transpire, and if it is still in effect. It's hard to explain, but the words glow, and the page buzzes slightly, and the closer it comes to occurring, the stronger both things get." Billie pulled out the book he had carried here with him, and it was only then that I noticed that it was the original tome which contained all the prophecies of Joshua. He flipped open to the appropriate page before practically shoving it under my nose.

"See - the words are shaking slightly, and they have this golden sheen to them - well you can't see it, but I can - which means the prophecy is still intact, and it is drawing closer, but it is still a few years away yet. If Gerard was dead, it would just appear as a regular page of paper." Billie Joe gestured rapidly as he spoke as if that would help me better understand him. A grin began to spread across my face as the impact of his words finally sunk in, but of course, he wasn't finished speaking yet.

"He could still die tomorrow though - I can't predict that. Also, you have to take into account his mental state, considering that fact that he has been in Hell for six days -"

"I really didn't need to hear that Billie," I cut him off abruptly, my small sliver of hope already deflated.

"Sorry...um - I'm not that best at knowing when to shut up," he laughed awkwardly, and I tried my best to smile to show him there were no hard feelings between us.

"Okay, but you still haven't told me how you know the prophecy is about us," I tried to return our conversation to its original starting point.

"You still haven't caught on to that yet?" Billie Joe scoffed while rolling his eyes obnoxiously.

"Well if I had, I wouldn't be asking now would I?" I shot back. Even though his manner was irritating, I wasn't upset with this odd angel anymore, especially since he had managed to distract me from my sorrows for a little bit, which no one else had quite managed yet.

"Ugh - just read it again and picture you as the gold and Gerard as the darkness okay?"

"Fine..." I grumbled irritably, pulling the book out of his hands so I could do as he requested.

_Nature dawns clear and bright_  
_Two worlds separate_  
_All starts to fall_  
_Gold is tarnished and darkness comes_  
_-_  
_When gold becomes stained_  
_Darkness hides light_  
_One choice to make_  
_Disaster or new life_  
_-_  
_Can gold reveal light_  
_Can darkness polish gold_  
_True love can renew all_  
_Or destroy every living soul_  
_-_  
_When they unite_  
_A chance will arise_  
_One final stand_  
_One sacrifice_  
_-_  
_Two becomes one_  
_Or two can break_  
_This is the end_  
_Or is it the beginning?_

My mouth hung open by the time I was finished; because now everything did make sense, and I was truly an idiot for not noticing it sooner, but too much had occurred directly after we discovered the prophecy for me to give it any proper thought until now.

"Oh my god, I'm so fucking stupid..." I whispered to myself, but of course Billie Joe heard me.

"Told you," he grinned widely, not making me feel any better about myself.

"So wait...if this is about Gerard and I...then is it happening now? We are already in love, so is this war we might be about to start the apocalypse?" I worried my lower lip in-between my teeth anxiously, because if that was the case, then this might not have been the best plan after all.

"No, this isn't it - like I said before, it is still quite a few years in the future. You two falling in love was the start of it, but whatever cataclysmic event is supposed to follow after isn't coming anytime soon. I am as confused about that part as you are, but I know that much for sure."

"So the archangels obviously know about this right?" It would explain why they had tried so hard to recover me after I had escaped from Heaven, but I had to make sure.

"Unfortunately yes...I had no choice but to tell them my findings. If I didn't, they became decidedly nasty toward me...I wasn't one hundred percent sure it was you, but when they saw you and Gerard in the seeing pool, they did everything in their power to ruin any chance you two had of falling in love in the hopes of preventing this prophecy from ever coming true."

"But we did...so that means the world could end eventually because of us..." I exhaled shakily. This was a lot to process, I had no idea that my actions could so drastically affect everyone, but even if I did, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It might sound terribly selfish, but Gerard was everything to me…

"Yes it does, but you two also have the chance to stop it from happening, or to save the world before it breaks," he pointed out eagerly.

"Well how are we supposed to do that if we have no idea what is going to happen?" I argued back, a little bit overwhelmed by all this new information, and a tiny bit scared if I was being completely honest with myself.

"You will know when the time comes - at least, I hope you will..." Billie didn't sound too sure of himself, which did nothing to comfort me at all - quite the opposite actually.

"Ugh - why does everything have to be so complicated?" I dropped my head into my hands with a groan. I didn't want to worry about this right now, not when I wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to rescue Gerard.

"Don't trouble yourself with it Frank, it won't help anything. The only reason I mentioned it was so you would know that Gerard is alive, and I believe he will stay that way." Billie gently rested his hand on my shoulder, and I raised my head up slowly.

"You really do?" I needed to hear him say it again, maybe it could restore my own faith just a little bit, and anything helped right now.

"I do, but right now, you need to focus on him - not what-if's that may not even occur."

"You're right...as usual," I admitted ruefully.

"I know, and I am also right in saying we should head back now. We have been out here far too long, and I am freezing." He stood up quickly, tugging me to my feet with an extended hand that I gratefully took.

"Thank you Billie - that actually helped." I pulled him in for a quick hug, and his entire body stiffened uncomfortably.

"Sorry - uh - I am still not used to hugging. Brendon does it quite often, but it is still an odd gesture to me," he stuttered out once I had released him.

"Yeah - Brendon is a hugger, don't worry, you will get used to it," I chuckled quietly to myself at how awkward Billie Joe was, but I probably would be too if I had been kept away from everyone for years.

We unleashed our wings and began to fly back in the direction of the house, when something caught my eye that could only be bad news.

"Are you fucking kidding me...?” I hissed under my breath as I plummeted lower, trying to get a better view of what appeared to be hundreds of demons quickly drawing closer to our hideout.

"Frank - we should hide!" Billie Joe called out so he could be heard over the wind, but I refused to leave my friends behind to be slaughtered by demons while they were caught unaware - not when I could do something to help.

"Hey fucker - it's me! Don't kill us!" a familiar voice yelled out, and as I drew closer, I saw the demon leading the group waving me down wildly.

"Bob?" I exclaimed happily, because now that I was lower to the ground, I recognized that mop of blonde hair, and it was unmistakably him. I beat my wings as fast as I could, leaving Billie Joe far behind me in the process since he had pulled up short when he saw the supposed threat.

"Hell yeah it’s me! I heard about what happened and I brought some help!" Bob shouted up at me, but I didn't have time to reply before I was tackling him to the snowy ground in a bone crushing hug.

And for one moment, everything seemed to be looking up, and I truly believed that with the help of my friends, I would soon be reunited with Gerard.


	36. Private Angel Log Entry Thirteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Thirteen**

"Bob, how the hell did you pull this off?" I exclaimed happily as he seated himself at the kitchen table.

Everyone had been panicking at first, Billie Joe had rushed inside, yelling that we were being attacked by a horde of demons; he missed my reunion with Bob in his hurry to get back to the house, and even though he had only done the logical thing, it had created quite a bit of a mess.

The angels had busted outside with weapons raised, which of course made the demons very uneasy, and it had taken about half an hour for Bob and I to calm everyone down and explain the situation to my friends.

Luckily, we diffused the situation before it escalated any further, and the demons had been very forgiving of the misunderstanding. I had mentioned Bob to them in passing, but they had never met him, and we definitely hadn't been expecting him to show up at our doorsteps with a small army.

Finally, we had made it inside, and my basically frozen body was very gratefully for that fact. Bob made himself right at home, throwing his coat over the back of the armchair and introducing himself to everyone in as friendly a manner as was possible for Bob. Now we were trying to explain what had happened in the time since he had left, and also find out how Bob had managed to magically find so many sympathetic demons.

"And how could you possibly know that we needed you know?" Brendon asked curiously, turning from his perch by the window where he was observing the demons setting up camp around our humble abode.

"And are you sure all of those demons are as friendly as you?" Ryan piped up worriedly.

"One question at a time guys," Bob chuckled throatily, polishing off the demon brew he had brought with him before continuing to speak.

"After I left here, I decided to try and find the rest of the demons who had gotten out of Hell before I did. That whole fucked up thing with Mikey and the Livian got me thinking - he almost died, and a lot of the demons who deserted were newbies. I didn't want them to go through the same thing, so I decided to share some of the Livian I had gotten from you with them," Bob explained causally, and I felt a small smile spreading across my face.

I forgot how kindhearted Bob was under his gruff exterior, and the fact that he had gone out of his way to save demons he didn't even know made me that much more endeared to him - not to mention that he had come all the way back here just to help us out, even though he couldn't possibly gain anything from this, and he might even loose his life in the process.

"It took me a little while to find where they had fled to, but they mostly kept together, which helped a lot. I won't bore you with the details of my search - it's was pretty fucking lame, but eventually I found their hiding place. A few of them we're already getting sick, but luckily I made it in plenty of time, so no one had kicked the bucket yet."

"All hail Bob - the demon Jesus who heals the sick!" Brendon giggled loudly. He had a few drinks himself - hell we all had to try and mask the tension of the upcoming events, but I think it was time to cut Brendon off. None of us had tried demon brew before, and it was very potent.

"Shut up baby," Ryan tried to grab the bottle from Brendon's hand, but he danced out of his reach, surprisingly nimble on his feet for how intoxicated he was.

"Just ignore him..." I groaned out, turning back to Bob so he could continue his story.

"Nah man, I like this angel. If I had known you guys were so fucking chill, I wouldn't have killed so many of you," Bob smiled as Brendon and Ryan continued to chase each other around the room.

"Well Brendon is a special case...but the same applies to you. I seriously can't believe that you found hundreds of demons that were willing to help out a few rebel angels. I just feel like we have been wrong to hate each other so much for all these years."

"Yeah - same here. I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a lot of fucked up demons in Hell, but the newer ones aren't half bad. I mean - look at Gerard..." Bob trailed off when my face contorted in an expression of sadness.

"Yeah..." I choked out, trying to play it off like I was okay - even though I really wasn't.

"Dude I'm sorry. What happened is fucked up, but we are going to fix it okay?" Bob pushed another cup my way, and I took it gratefully.

"How did you know that Gerard was taken anyway?" I asked after chugging half of the bottle in one go. Getting drunk right now probably wasn't the best idea, but it was helping me keep calm, which was more important than being sober.

"The demons had a really good system set up for discovering what was going on in the supernatural world. A few of them were still in contact with friends who had decided to stay in Hell, and they would intercept all messages that they thought would interest us while also making sure that Lucifer wasn't closing in on our location."

"That makes sense..." I was pleasantly surprised at how organized the runaway demons were. We weren't half as well prepared, and having their knowledge on our side was a great asset.

"Yeah...Lucifer was fucking ecstatic about capturing Gerard, so we heard about it the next morning. I knew you were probably going to do something stupid to save him, so I decided to get my ass up here and help."

"You didn't have to do this Bob - don't get me wrong, I am really happy that you did, but your brethren don't need to die for this. It isn't their fight."

"I didn't really ask anyone to come with me - I just told them where I was going and why, but Gerard was pretty well loved among the younger demons, and they all wanted to pitch in and help. When we received word that Heaven and Hell were basically going to battle it out in a few days, everyone decided to join me, and we got here as fast as we could." Bob shrugged like it was no big deal, even though it really was.

"Oh yeah...that is our fault. We didn't really know how else to save Gerard except pitting Heaven and Hell against each other so we could draw Lucifer out; the guys convinced me that breaking into Hell would only lead to all of our death - it took me awhile to actually listen to them though. Instead, we sent fake missives to each side, and it worked surprisingly well."

"Dude - that's fucking genius! I had a feeling it had something to do with you, I can't leave for a few days without you stirring up trouble."

"Oh shut up - it was more than a few days." He was right though, my life seemed to be filled with one traumatic event after the next, and I wasn't sure when I was going to get a break.

"Yeah yeah, I know. Don't worry, I was already getting bored, and I probably would have headed back soon either way." Bob clasped me on the shoulder as he spoke.

"I don't even know what to say besides thank you," I mumbled quietly.

This unexpected help might just tip the scales and allow us to rescue Gerard without too many causalities. Our original plan relied heavily on the scant hundred angels that Brendon had brought with him being able to hold back two highly volatile armies while somehow managing to free Gerard, and when I thought about it logically, without an excess of emotion clouding my judgement, it seemed doomed to fail from the start. Now that we had Bob's help, it became a much more realistic goal.

"Don't thank me Frank - Gerard is my friend. I have already saved his ass twice, and the third times the charm. Plus, you would probably fuck it up without me," he chuckled to himself.

"Don't underestimate me when I'm pissed off..." I jokingly threatened.

"Nah man, I know you would fight Lucifer himself for Gerard, I'm just happy you didn't go tearing off before I could help. Speaking of which, you need to walk me through this plan again so I am not completely clueless here."

So I explained in great detail how we were hoping to save Gerard while Bob listened intently, showing him the maps we had procured and where we thought each side would probably set up. He agreed that it was the best thing to do given how little time we had, and besides a few minute changes, he was on board wholeheartedly.

"So that's it...we are leaving in two days to make sure we are the first ones to Black Rock Desert so no one can try anything sneaky without us knowing."

"We will be ready. I am going to go tell the guys so they know what to expect. Some of them were kinda excited for an all-out battle, but I will make sure they don't get out of hand. I'm the oldest demon who left, so they all look up to me for some stupid reason. It's fucking weird..." Bob rolled his eyes, and I couldn't help but snort at his aversion to leadership. He was obviously meant to be in a position like this, no matter how uncomfortable it made him.

"Bye!" Brendon called out from the next room. I had forgotten he was even here, but by the state of his mussed up hair, I assumed Ryan had distracted him from our conversation for a while.

"I'll be back soon. Don't drink all my demon brew fuckers," Bob yelled before exiting the house and heading down toward the growing line of tents the demons were setting up.

"No promises!" Brendon shouted after him before Ryan pulled him back down out of sight.

"No fucking on the sofa!" Both of their heads popped up over the back of the couch, and I couldn't stop laughing at how guilty they looked.

"We weren't," Ryan protested, but the way his cheeks were flushed bright red said otherwise.

"Well you were getting there," I retorted flippantly.

At first, it had hurt to watch Brendon and Ryan together - not actually fucking - there was no way in hell I would want to see that, but being present when they were around had reminded me so much of Gerard and I, that I had to physically leave the room. Now I was trying to get over myself: they were happy, and in love, and just because I didn’t have Gerard with me didn’t mean that they should have to act differently when I was around.

“Well everyone else is upstairs, so we can’t go there,” Brendon huffed in irritation, even though he obviously didn’t care about that last night, judging by the noises coming from his room.

“Then keep it in your pants,” I shook my head at them fondly.

"You are no fun Frankie," Brendon whined loudly, and I threw up my hands in exasperation.

"I just want to get drunk without having to watch live action porn...is that too much to ask?"

"Fine - we will stop," Brendon pouted, but when I handed him another cup of demon brew, a smile broke across his face again.

We spent the rest of the afternoon getting absolutely wasted, and it was exactly what I needed to take my mind of Gerard. I was actually able to relax and laugh for a little while, and even though I knew when I woke up tomorrow, everything would come crashing back down on me - just for tonight, I was okay.

That small period of relief from the hurt, and the worry, and the pain was essential to my well-being; because if I sat around crying any longer, I was going to be a wreck when it came time to rescue Gerard. So I tried my hardest to pretend that nothing was wrong, and just enjoyed a night of drinking with my closest friends.


	37. Private Angel Log Entry Fourteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Fourteen**

I was attempting to close my eyes when I was heard voices arguing softly from one of the rooms. Deciding to go investigate - sleep wasn't going to happen anyway - I crept out into the hallway on silent feet, trying to determine who was up this late.

I probably shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, but I was tired of lying in bed with only my thoughts to keep my company, and I was eager for any excuse to escape my mind for a short while.

I stopped outside Brendon and Ryan's room, it was definitely their voices that had captured my attention, but it was surprising to me that they were fighting; usually they were in perfect sync with each other, but obviously something had upset them. Being the nosy bastard I was, I settled down on the floor outside of their room and listened.

"You don't control me Brendon! I can make my own decisions and I'm going!" Ryan hissed out angrily, and I recoiled slightly at the venom in his tone. I hadn't thought sweet quiet Ryan possessed the ability to sound so pissed off.

"Like fuck you are! This is a matter between demon and angels - you are still human Ry, so please just let me take you home," Brendon pleaded softly, but I could hear Ryan's scoff through the wooden door.

“I am a part of this too! I basically planned this whole fucking thing - I deserve to be there!” Ryan protested loudly.

“Ry - if you are there, I won’t be able to concentrate, I will be trying to watch you the whole time, and I need to be focused on the battle. I would leave you here, but without any angels to protect you, I can’t risk it. The safest place for you to be is at your apartment okay?”

"Oh yeah - just ship me off to safety so I can drive myself crazy waiting to hear if you are still alive," Ryan's words were thick with tears, but they still carried quite a bite to them.

"I will be fine - it's you that I'm worried about," Brendon argued back.

"Who cares if I die? I will just turn into an angel anyway - I wouldn't even mind if I became a demon! At least I would get to see you more!" Ryan lost his composure completely, and I knew without seeing him that tears were pouring down his face.

"I care! I want you to have a full life. I didn't get that chance, but you can!" Footsteps sounded across the creaky floor, and I assumed that Brendon had moved to Ryan's side to comfort him. I briefly wondered how Brendon had died…I think he had mentioned it once before – from an illness maybe, but I pushed it out of my mind when they continued talking.

"It’s not like I will cease to exist. I know that if I get killed, I won't really die, just my body." Ryan choked out hoarsely.

"This is why God doesn't want humans to know about angels...he didn't even want to let me come visit you, but I think he took pity on me, but Ry - your life right now matters. Yes, you will keep existing after death, but it's not the same okay, and I don’t want that for you. I won't risk you out there on a battlefield, and you need to accept that."

“I can’t - I can’t go back…please don’t make me?” Ryan’s voice had grown so quiet, I could barely make out what he was saying.

“Ry...what’s wrong, and don’t say that you are worried about me - I know it is more than that.”

"I don't want to live anymore...if it wasn't for your visits once a month, I don't know where I would be..." Ryan admitted softly.

"Ry...why would you say that?" Brendon gasped.

"It hasn't been the same since you died...I didn't want you to worry, but...fuck - I can't even say it.”

"Baby what happened?" Brendon pressed gently. I found myself holding my breath so I wouldn't miss a word that was spoken. I barely knew Ryan, but seeing this side of him broke my heart, and I wanted to know what had brought him so much pain.

"It's Spencer...at first I thought he was just worried about me. He was always around, checking up on me and texting me after you died...but then he got pushy. He kissed me out of the blue one day, and even after I told him I wasn't interested, he kept trying...." Ryan broke off for a moment, and I realized that my hands had clenched into fists.

"Spencer? Your boss?" Brendon asked in a shocked tone of voice.

"Yeah...when he wouldn't back off, I kinda lost it. It wasn’t like I could tell him I was still with you, so I yelled at him at work, and he fired me. I actually wasn't that upset, because I wouldn't have to see him anymore, and I thought I could find another job..."

"That's not all is it?" Brendon took the words out my head. I suddenly realized I should probably leave before they noticed my presence, but my curiosity got the better of me, and I stayed put.

"No...it's not. About two months ago, I went to a party with Dallon...and Spencer was there. He was already wasted by the time I arrived, but I didn't notice him until I was already a little drunk. I couldn't find Dallon, and - I - he...Spencer raped me." The last words came out in a whisper, and I had to cover my mouth to hold back the sob that had formed in my throat.

"Fuck no -" A dull thud reverberated throughout the hallway, and I was pretty sure that Brendon had punched the wall.

I couldn't believe Ryan had been subjected to something so terrible...no one deserved that, but especially not this sweet quiet boy that had the kindest soul out of any human I knew.

"That's not the worst thing I have been keeping from you..." I head the rustling of clothing being shifted, and I wished I had x-ray vision so I could see what was happening.

"Ry...please don't tell me what's what I think it is?"

"I'm sorry Bren! I don't even know why I did it the first time...I just needed to forget. I couldn't close my eye without seeing Spencer's face, and Jon offered it to me...I only meant to do it once, but now I can't stop."

"But baby...this could kill you...what have you been shooting up?" Everything finally clicked in my head, and I knew that what Ryan was showing Brendon was his arms, which were probably full of puncture wounds from needles.

"Mostly cocaine...some heroin too," Ryan sniffled quietly.

I was thoroughly shocked by what Ryan had just revealed, never once had I entertained the idea that he could be hiding such a terrible secret, and I wished I had paid more attention to the fact that he had always worn long sleeves as long as he had been here - not that I could have done anything about this if I had known…but still…

"Fucking hell Ryan...I wish you had told me." Brendon was crying now too, and I felt tears pricking at my own eyelids.

"Now do you understand why I don't care if I die? I'm a drug addict with no job, and I'm probably going to be homeless soon...so I can't go back there when you are out risking your life for a cause that actually means something. Please don't make me Bren?"

"I...fuck - I don't even know what to say," Brendon stammered out.

"Say that you will let me stay with you. I'll keep out of sight, I'll listen to whatever you tell me to do. Just don't make me go back home...I'll do anything."

"Ryan I - I want you with me always, but it isn't fair to you. I can help you get over this drug addiction. You can move away from all of these bad memories and start over." I could hear Brendon's resolve wavering, and I didn't blame him. If my opinion mattered at all, I would have let Ryan join us, he was a part of this now - whether Brendon wanted him to be or not.

"How can you do that if you don't even know if you will live through this battle?" Ryan pointed out softly.

"You will stay back the whole time? No matter what happens?" Brendon asked sternly, and I could imagine the smile on Ryan's face.

"Yes! I promise!" Ryan basically squealed.

"Fine...I will take you with me, but only if you stop hiding things from me. I love you Ryan, and I want to be able to help you, but I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong," Brendon chastised him kindly.

"I'm sorry...you just had so much going on that I didn't want to bother you with shit that you couldn't change anyway."

“Well don’t do that again…and Spencer better hope I never run into him, because I might literally kill him…” Brendon growled under his breath.

“It doesn’t matter now Bren…it’s over. I still have you, and I haven’t done any drugs since I’ve been with you. We will get through this.”

"You are the most important thing in the world to me okay?" I heard the familiar sound of lips being pressed together, and I knew it was past time for me to leave. As I hurried back to my room, I caught one last whispered sentence before I closed my door, which blocked them out completely.

"I love you Brendon."

My heart constricted painfully inside my chest, and I had to stand still for a moment until the ache passed. I shouldn't be envious of Ryan and Brendon, especially not after what I had just heard, but apparently I wasn't as good at containing my jealously as I thought.

Even though Ryan had been through a terrible ordeal, they still had each other...at least for now. They could comfort each other with warm embraces and soft kisses, while I had no one.

The tears I had been holding back earlier began spilling down my cheeks, and I wasn't even sure if I was crying because of what had happened to Ryan, or because of what was most likely happening to Gerard - it was probably a mixture of both to be honest.

I only had to hold myself together for a little bit longer though, we were leaving for Black Rock Desert tomorrow to make sure we were the first to arrive, and then it would only be one more night until this was all over - in one way or another.

Because I had decided that I wasn't leaving without Gerard, and if I failed in that, then I would make a last stand that would be spoken of for centuries.


	38. I don’t want to forget

**Gerard's POV:**

"Get up filth, Lucifer's coming."

I could hear the voice demanding something of me, and I could feel the booted foot kick my ribs, but I was incapable of responding. My entire body was numb, and I knew any movement would reawaken the fiery agony I had worked so hard to extinguish. Getting to my feet was out of the question, I wasn't even certain I still had feet.

"Did you hear me? I said fucking stand up!" Whoever had chosen to bother me continued with their pointless yelling, but I didn't even open my eyes. Why should I - they were just going to torture me again either way.

"Leave him be..." a familiar voice commanded, and I didn't need my sight to know that Lucifer had arrived. I bit my lip hard to stifle the whimper that was attempting to make its way out of my throat. I hadn't had a visit from him in quite some time, and I had almost dared to hope that he had grown bored with me.

"He wouldn't move sir," the other demon informed Lucifer, even though it was quite obvious that I hadn't budged an inch from the last time he had been down here.

"It doesn't matter, I just wanted to make sure he was still alive," Lucifer muttered quietly, and I cracked my eyelids open slightly so I could catch any sudden movements he decided to make. There was no way the king of Hell came down here just to check on my health, and I was trying to prepare myself for whatever devious thing he had planned for me.

"He's pathetic." I heard the sound of someone spitting, and I didn't even flinch when it landed right next to my face.

"I'd like to see how long you last down here," Lucifer retorted, his tone tinged with mild irritation.

"Longer than this piece of shit, that's for sure," the demon replied haughtily, and I caught sight of Lucifer's smirk out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh you think so? Should I test out that theory?"

"Uh - no sir. I meant no disrespect." The demon cringed as he bowed, and if I hadn't been in such a fucked up state, I would have laughed at his cowardice, but honestly, I would be doing the same thing if I were in his position - Lucifer just had that effect on people.

"Good. For your information, Gerard has retained himself for much longer than most demons that are placed in the Wastelands. The average amount of time before insanity kicks in is twenty four hours. He made it five days before he was reduced to this state." Lucifer sounded almost proud, and it confused me, I thought the whole point of trapping me down here was to ruin my body and my mind.

"Well he is a mess now."

"Oh - I don't know about that. I think a small spark is still buried in him somewhere. Isn't that right Gerard?" Lucifer leaned down and grabbed my chin in his hands. Gerard...that was my name wasn't it? He was actually praising me for defying him?

Not knowing what to say, I simply stared back into his dead eyes until he released me harshly. My head hit the ground with a dull thump, and I groaned softly despite myself.

"Release him - he will be coming with us tomorrow." Lucifer snapped his fingers, and I flinched at his unexpected orders.

"Coming with us...to the battlefield, but why? He can't fight, and we would have to waste good soldiers guarding him." The demon questioned even as he began tracing his hand over my frozen limbs, somehow freeing me from whatever spell had kept me trapped down here. Even though I was no longer immobilized, I didn't possess the strength to move, so I stayed slumped on the floor.

"I know the rebel angels are going to try something idiotic at Black Rock Desert tomorrow, and even if I don't know what, I will not walk in there empty handed. They all care for this demon, so I will keep him with me as insurance."

Rebel angels...why did that sound so familiar to me? An image of a dark haired man with magnificent white wings tipped in grey flashed before my eyes, and even though I couldn't recall his name, or who he was, I felt comforted just knowing that he existed.

"What if he escapes?" The demon asked as he dragged me to my feet roughly. Moving again after so long was immensely painful, and if I didn't have an audience, I would have burst into tears by this point.

"Why do you think it is your place to question me Alex?" Lucifer retorted harshly.

"I'm sorry sir - it's just a possibility I think we need to consider." His tone was meek, but I had to commend him for being brave enough to actually speak back to Lucifer, most demons would never have dared to voice any worries to his face.

"Look at him - he can't even walk, let alone run. The only way that would happen would be if someone helped free him, and I will not let that come to pass. Because of your persistent need to point out my wrongdoings, you will be charged with guarding him."

"Sir -” Lucifer talked right over Alex, ignoring his feeble protest entirely.

"Don't try to argue, I have already decided. If anyone makes any attempt to rescue him - if an angel so much as gets near him - you slit his throat immediately. Understood?"

"Yes sir." Alex bowed slightly, jostling my broken body in the process. I tried not to cry out, but a small gasp escaped my lips.

"Hopefully it won't come to that though. I would hate to lose my favorite play thing. I plan to drive them away with threats of his death, so do not strike prematurely." Lucifer continued to speak as he turned on his heel and walked back in the direction he came. Alex dragged me along with him as he followed in Lucifer's wake, and even though I wanted to listen in on their conversation, my brain was fuzzy with pain, and I was struggling to stay conscious.

I didn't understand what was happening, all I knew was that I was finally leaving the Wastelands, but only to be used as a pawn in some battle. I wasn't sure why my life would matter at all to any angels, but Lucifer was obviously assured that it would.

Angels...I used to know some angels. My damaged mind tried to reconstruct my fragmented memories as we walked, but each time I was jostled, my thoughts broke apart as pain exploded throughout my limbs, and they wouldn't reform until it had faded away again.

Finally we stopped moving, and I was tossed into something that resembled an ancient jail cell, the rough landing forced a soft cry from my lips, but no one seemed to take any notice of my exclamation.

"Let no one touch him tonight, he needs to be conscious for tomorrow. Clean him up a bit and feed him, but nothing else," Lucifer ordered sternly, and Alex nodded in understanding.

Once I had been washed and fed, I felt slightly alive for the first time in ages. My wounds still ached, and I could barely move, but the promise of no new torture - for the night at least - gave me hope that maybe I would be able to actually heal a bit before they tore me open again.

Alex stood guard outside my cell, but besides his presence, I was completely alone. I used this precious time to try and recall whatever remembrances I had left to my mind. I had been so close to something about angels earlier, and maybe now that I was alone, I could bring it fully into the light.

I knew I should be worrying about whatever was happening tomorrow, I had no idea what battle they were talking about, and the fact that I was going to be in the middle of it should have been a bigger issue to me, but it really wasn’t. I mean, nothing could be worse than this - so why should I waste any of my precious free time pondering something I had no chance of changing anyway.

I didn't care about the future, I wanted to go back to the past. I had surrendered my memories in a desperate bid to end the pain, and even though it had worked to some extent, I couldn't recall what had pained me so deeply in the first place that I had chosen to relinquish it. What thought could bring me such mental agony that I had decided to let it go?

The same image flashed across my mind again: the dark haired man with tattoos littering his perfect skin, flying on the most gorgeous pair of wings I had ever had the privilege to see. I knew him somehow...he was special to me...I loved him?

And then it all came rushing back in a tidal wave of suppressed emotions that I couldn't believe I had ever managed to forget. It hurt to remember, but I didn’t want this to go away, because this person was important, and worth any pain his memory brought me. His name flooded my mind as if to make up for all of the days of not being able to recall it.

_Frank...Frank...Frank..._


	39. Private Angel Log Entry Fifteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Fifteen**

This was it, all of our hard work and planning had finally paid off, and now the confrontation we had so carefully orchestrated was about to happen.

I thought I would feel something: guilt maybe, for causing what could turn into an all-out war, excitement over the fact that I would soon be reunited with Gerard, terror even, but no - I just felt numb.

I was extremely focused, like an arrow trained on its target, unwavering from what I knew I had to do. We had everything planned out, now we just had to hope that it all turned in our favor.

I could sense both of the armies quickly approaching from the east and west, we only had minutes until we had to be in our places directly between them, and my entire body was humming with energy.

 _"We should move now,"_ Brendon spoke within my head since he was on the other side of the line, sharing some words with Ryan that hopefully wouldn't be their last.

I had tried to convince Ryan to let one of us stay behind to guard him, but he had refused, saying that he wouldn't allow us to waste a body protecting him when no one was going to bother with him anyway. I hoped he was correct, and I knew Brendon was worried about his close proximity to the impending battle, but the decision had already been made, and we couldn't change it now.

 _"It's time,"_ I projected to all the angels that were gathered with us, knowing that the demons would follow when we began to move out. In a flurry of wings, we took to the air, landing in a shallow valley between two sand dunes. We would be visible to both sides, and even more importantly - they would be exposed on the hilltops, allowing us to instantly be aware if they attempted any sudden movements.

"Remember - if this goes south, we take off okay?" Brendon shouted out to our ragtag collection of angels and demons as he flew overhead. We had appointed him as our spokesperson, even though they had all wanted me to do it.

I didn't want that responsibility though, I needed to be unencumbered so I could focus all of my energy on rescuing Gerard. Brendon had been the main leader of this group of angels anyway, almost all of them knew him personally, and he carried the mantle of responsibility well.

While I waited for the other armies to appear, I allowed myself to marvel at what we had accomplished already. I would never have believed that I would see the day that angels and demons would fight side by side for the same cause, but now I was living it. We were changing the world, and I was grateful that I was a part of this.

"They're here," Brendon whispered as he touched down next to me, his hand clutching the hilt of his broadsword that was sheathed at his side. We had decided to keep our weapons away in the hopes that we wouldn't incite any unnecessary violence. All we needed to do was stall them long enough to free Gerard, not start a bloodbath we weren't prepared to finish.

I nodded to show Brendon that I had heard him, but my mind was elsewhere. I could feel Gerard's presence, he was drawing closer to me as we spoke, and he was all I could concentrate on right now.

He was hurting, but I expected that...I tried calling out to him, but I couldn't know for sure if he was aware enough to receive my mental message, and even if he had, there was no way for him to reply to me.

Having him so close but still out of reach was pure torture. If everything went as planned, we would only be minutes away from reuniting, but that seemed like eternity right now. I ached to hold him, to kiss the lips that drove me insane, to apologize a thousand times over for ever letting him be kidnapped in the first place, but I couldn't do any of that - not yet.

It took all the self-control I possessed not to fly off right then and rip him out of Lucifer's grasp, but that would ruin our well thought out plan, and probably get us both killed in the process.

"You okay?" Brendon asked warily. I am sure some of my internal struggle was showing on my face, but I tried my best to tamp it down.

"Yeah - what about you?" I knew his mind was still back with Ryan, but he needed all of his wits about him if we were going to survive this.

"I think so, I just want this all to be over with already," he chuckled nervously.

"Well it's about to start." I motioned upward, where we could now see the angels and demons approaching rapidly. Their weapons glinted in the brilliant sunlight, and I suddenly doubted our abilities to prevent any violence from happening before we could intervene.

"No turning back now..." Brendon sighed as we slowly took to the air again, hovering slightly over the ground so there was no way either side could miss our presence.

"Stay alive okay?" I clasped his shoulder gently.

"Same to you..."

As I faced the two sides that were both shooting daggers at us with their eyes, it seemed as if everything paused for a moment. I could no longer feel my wings pumping to keep me lifted, or the scorching desert sun beating down on me - I couldn't feel anything. I flipped around so I could scan the crowd of demons for the one person among them that mattered to me.

At first I couldn't see him...I knew he was here, but it was hard to pick anything out amidst the shining helms and dark armor...and then - there he was. He was tied to a cart toward the front of the army, beaten and bloody, but alive.

Seeing him before me was like a blow to the head, I wanted to laugh, and cry, and throw up all at once. I had been so terrified that we would be too late, and Lucifer would choose to kill him instead of taking him with them, but no - Gerard was here.

I would have rushed to his side if Brendon hadn't chosen that exact moment to start speaking, his voice snapping my attention back to the present, and the fact that I still had a role to play in this.

"Well...here goes nothing..." he murmured under his breath before flying a little bit higher than everyone else.

"Halt!" Brendon called out in a resounding voice, and surprisingly, everyone actually listened to him.

"What is this treachery Brendon?" the archangel Oliver asked, stepping up from the front lines as he spoke.

"Yes - please do explain this idiotic display before I get bored," Lucifer added from the other side of the barrier we created with our bodies.

Lucifer’s armor was fearsome to behold, it was black as pitch, and it seemed to absorb any sunlight that reached it. I hissed under my breath when I caught sight of him, here was the creature that had stolen Gerard away from me, and I wanted nothing more than to tear him limb from limb until he had suffered as much as Gerard had.

"If you didn't know already - it was us who called you both here today, in the hopes that we could reach some kind of understanding." Brendon was lying out of his ass, we all knew that peace between Heaven and Hell was a thing of dreams, but he couldn't exactly say that we had done all of this just to free Gerard. Still - we did harbor the hope that some of the angels would join us once they saw how power hungry Oliver had become, not all of my brothers could have been blinded by his greed.

"I don't understand...we received a message of war from Lucifer - not you," Oliver scoffed.

"It was a forgery, but it was necessary to get you all in the same place so you could listen to what I have to say. The fact that you responded to it without God's approval shows that you have overstepped your bonds Oliver," Brendon shot back.

"God is no longer present in Heaven, and I am simply filling in until He chooses to return."

"That isn't your decision to make! Look what has happened ever since you took over, open your eyes and see how many angels have deserted you already!" Brendon cried passionately.

"All I see are a bunch of filthy traitors who choose to stand with demons instead of their own kind."

"Yes we do, because we are living proof that angels and demons can coexist, and not all of them are the filthy monsters we have been led to believe. The world is changing, and we need to accept that before our archaic ways destroy us." Brendon opened his arms wide, making sure that everyone took in the sight of us, angels and demons standing side by side.

"This proves nothing," Lucifer spat, obviously irritated at being ignored for so long.

"If any of you think the same way we do, please join us. We don't have to be enemies anymore...we can work together, and stop the senseless killing of each other that has gone on for far too long!"

I felt my heart being moved at Brendon's speech, he was truly a natural orator, and if I hadn't already made my choice long ago, his words would have swayed me. Even though I didn't truly believe that Heaven and Hell could ever come to an understanding, we obviously had managed to coexist peacefully for the past few days, so maybe it wasn't such a farfetched idea after all.

A few angels shifted nervously, and one or two flexed their wings, but no one immediately moved to join us.

"This is ridiculous, no matter who called us here, I came for a fight, and I intend to see every last one of you pathetic angels ground under my heel before this day is over," Lucifer growled menacingly, causing many of the angels to grip their weapons tightly.

My eyes shot to Gerard again, trying to ascertain if he understood what we were trying to do here, but his head was down and his eyes appeared shut, so I had no idea if he was even aware of anything around him.

And then - chaos erupted, and the person who lit the spark was not who I had expected, even though I should have seen this coming, but I didn't. I had been too wrapped up in my own worries to even consider that others might have personal vendettas they were determined to carry out today.

So when Patrick threw himself toward Oliver at a break neck pace, my mouth hung open in shock, and it was only then that I remembered that he blamed Oliver for Pete's death, and he had chosen to take his vengeance out right now.

A wordless howl of fury tore its way out of Patrick's throat as he lunged toward Oliver. I knew I had to move, someone had to stop him before he got himself killed, but it was already too late. His sudden attack had caught us all by surprise, and there was nothing we could do to help him.

I turned to Billie Joe, hoping that he could do something - what that would be, I didn't know, but when I caught a glimpse of his tear stained face, I realized that he had been expecting this. He might not have known what Patrick was planning, but he knew the outcome.

I didn't want to watch, I willed my eyes to turn away, but I couldn't help myself, and I found my gaze locked onto Patrick and Oliver as they traded blows in midair. For a few seconds, it looked like Patrick might have a fighting chance; he had caught Oliver off guard, and he was slow to react with his sword.

But all too soon, his lieutenants joined in the fray, and even though I had finally reacted and pushed my wings to the limit to come to his rescue, it was too little, too late.

Surrounded on all sides, Patrick fell with a sword through his back, but not before he struck a glancing blow that crippled Oliver's wing joint.

"Frank - stop!" Billie yelled, and I froze in place, watching in horror as Patrick collapsed in a heap, his blood staining the yellow sands crimson red.

"So this is how you decided to offer peace...with paltry words and a knife to the back," Oliver gasped out, clutching his wounded wing close to his body.

"No...this wasn't supposed to happen." I slowly inched closer to where Patrick had fallen, being careful to not make any sudden movements so they wouldn't attack me as well.

"Your promises mean nothing Frank, you lost all credibility when you deserted us."

"You drove me out!" I screamed back in anger, my emotions spinning out of control as I continued to try and reach Patrick's side.

"Only because you were seeing a demon without our knowledge."

"Fuck - okay whatever, so I fell in love with someone you didn't approve of. You aren't my fucking parents," I hissed out. I knew hostility wasn’t going to help me in this situation, but I had lost control of my tongue momentarily.

"Oh Frank...how far you have fallen," Oliver laughed in the most condescending way I have ever heard.

"Please...just let me see to my friend..." I was almost certain that his injury was mortal, but there was still a chance that Patrick was alive, and every second I wasted was chafing at me.

"Fine...but let that be a lesson to you for all those that think deserting is a good idea." Oliver kicked Patrick with the toe of his boot, and I winced for him.

"Thank you." I attempted to keep my tone civil as I scooped Patrick into my arms and quickly returned back to our line of safety.

"Holy shit - he's not dead right? He can't be dead..." Brendon stuttered out, pressing his fingers against his neck in the hopes of picking up a heartbeat.

Patrick's wound was gruesome, it has gone all the way through his back and out of his chest, and even though I prayed that it wasn't the case, it seemed dangerously close to his heart.

"Fucking hell man..." Bob whispered quietly from where he stood a respectful distance away, letting us try to revive our friend while he kept an eye on our army.

"Pat...come on man, wake up." I shook him slightly, desperate for any sort of reaction, completely forgetting about everyone around us for the moment.

He coughed hoarsely, and I dared to hope that he might be waking up, but that expectation was quickly dashed. Blood dribbled down his chin as he continued to breathe weakly until eventually his chest ceased to rise at all.

"Patrick..." I whispered quietly, not wanting to admit what I already knew to be true.

"He's gone Frank..." Billie touched my shoulder gently, but I didn't react at all, not even when Patrick's body slowly began to break apart into small specks of golden light.

I heard a commotion break out behind me, but I had shut down, all I could see was the bloodstained spot where Patrick's body had lain.

"Frank - help us!" Brendon's voice finally broke into my thoughts, and I turned around only to see that fighting had already broken out overhead. We had let our barrier waver, and angels and demons were locked into heated battles. I noticed some familiar faces among the crowd, and when I turned back around, I saw that Bob had lost control of most of his demon army, and numerous angels had joined the fray as well.

"I couldn't stop them...they considered Patrick one of them, and they had to avenge their brethren. I’m sorry Frank…” Bob choked out softly, but I didn’t blame him. We had all lost focus, and without their leaders, our troops were running wild, grief and anguish driving them into battle recklessly.

"Fuck...this is really happening. We just started a war." Brendon looked around with a dazed expression on his face.

"Patrick started it, but now we have to finish what we came here to do. Frank - we have to get to Gerard now." Billie pulled me to my feet roughly, and I didn't fight him.

I had been too late to save Patrick, but I could still rescue Gerard if I moved quickly. I refused to fail anyone else today, one death was enough to last me a lifetime.

Pressing the heel of my hand into the ground where Patrick had breathed his last, I said a silent prayer, asking that if there was any possibility of a reunion in the final death, that he and Pete would be together again.

Once I had paid my respects, I took off into the air, searching desperately for a flash of red hair. I sensed Brendon and Billie trailing me closely, but I ignored them for the moment.

I had to find my demon…he was all that mattered right now. I had no idea where I was going, or what I would do once I found him, but if I was certain of anything, it was that I wasn't leaving this battlefield without Gerard.


	40. Private Angel Log Entry Sixteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Sixteen**

Everywhere I looked, it was only blood and sand and death. Demons lay wounded and dying across the battlefield, with only a few fallen angels here and there, the dead having already evaporated into the air, causing a golden sheen to hang around us as we flew.

I tried to return to the original position I had first seen Gerard in, but everything was in chaos now, and I wasn't even sure if I was heading in the right direction or not anymore. I had made the mistake of losing sight of him earlier when Patrick had fallen, and now I had no idea where he was. He wouldn't have been able to run, he had been chained to the cart from what I could tell, but someone might have removed him from the area.

As I continued my search, I kept an eye out for my friends. Bob had managed to rally most of his demons back into some sort of formation, and they were doing their best to hold their line as they slowly retreated away from the most heated parts of the battle. It was too dangerous for them to take to the air and flee immediately, archers on both sides were picking people off left and right, and a mass group would be an easy target right now.

I caught sight of Ray and Mikey fighting back to back against a horde of demons as they tried to reconvene with the main group. Swooping lower to the ground, I beheaded three of their attackers, allowing them to take out the rest with little resistance.

They waved their swords toward me in thanks, and I returned the gesture before darting off again, scanning everywhere my eyes could reach in search of my demon.

"Fuck - this isn't going to work!" I shouted out in frustration, twisting around to see if either Billie or Brendon had been having better luck spotting Gerard.

"Where's Brendon?" I asked warily when I noticed that only Billie was hovering behind me.

"Uh...he took off. He’s worried that the fighting is spilling too close to where Ryan is hiding, so he wanted to go make sure he was all right," Billie yelled to be heard over the sound of clashing swords and the screams of the dying.

"Fuck! He shouldn't have gone alone..." I alit on a quiet sand dune, trying to decide what to do now that finding Gerard was proving harder than I thought. From this vantage point, I could see the entire battle spilling out in front of my eyes. It was mostly isolated pockets of conflict, but in the center, I could see Lucifer and Oliver getting their troops in order, and I realized that the true clash hadn't even happened yet.

"Billie...you have to tell me. I know you don't want to, but I need to know...does Brendon die today?" I couldn't lose anyone else when I might be able to do something about it.

"No...his aura is the same as always, but that doesn't mean that Ryan won't. I can't tell with humans," Billie whispered softly.

"So does that mean Brendon is safe?" I pressed him, because I had to do everything in my power to keep everyone alive.

"Well - uh...no, not exactly. His aura could change at any time. If Ryan dies, his entire emotional structure would crumble, reshaping his fated death, not to mention that he could simply throw himself into the battle and try to die. It's not set in stone...I'm sorry - it's hard to explain," Billie rattled out quickly, still trying to catch his breath from our extended flight.

I wasted precious seconds debating on what to do. Gerard had been the whole reason for this entire debacle, and I knew my friends and allies wouldn't vacate the battlefield until I found him, but I had no idea where he was, and I wasn't sure how much longer it would take to locate him.

On the other hand, I knew where Brendon was right now, and if something happened to him or Ryan while I searched for Gerard, I would never forgive myself, but if they were both fine, and I missed out on my chance to save Gerard, that would actually kill me.

I hated this responsibility that had been placed on my shoulders, and I was terrified of making the wrong decision. These people were out here fighting and dying for Gerard and I, and I felt liable for anything that occurred because of that.

"Shit...we have to go find Brendon..." I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice, but I still hadn't spotted the flash of red hair that would signify Gerard's presence, and it would only take a few minutes to check on Brendon and Ryan.

Billie nodded in understanding before we took off in the direction of where Ryan had hidden away, pushing our wings to their limit so we could escape the archers that were trying to lock onto our positions.

Sure enough, the fighting had spilled over to where Ryan had tried to sequester himself away. We had been foolish to believe that he would be safe, but he had refused to move even further from the battle.

I didn't see Ryan or Brendon anywhere, just unfamiliar demons and angels doing their best to destroy each other. I scanned the bodies littering the ground, but they weren't among them either, thank god for that.

"They are over there!" Billie touched my shoulder to get my attention, and when I turned my gaze to where he was pointing, I finally saw Brendon flying off to the east, with Ryan in his arms.

"I'm going to tell them to leave, we can find Gerard without them," I informed Billie Joe before heading in their direction, moving slowly in order to avoid the numerous confrontations happening all around me.

I was about halfway to their position when I noticed that Brendon had landed for a moment, I couldn't tell why, but he had his back turned to me, and he seemed to be saying something to Ryan.

Because of his position, he didn't notice the demon slinking up behind them...and I was still too far away to cut the creature down.

"Brendon!" I screamed as loudly as I could, but it wasn't enough, because Brendon didn't move at all, and he failed to notice his impending doom. I forced myself to fly faster, but I had to pause to cut down a demon that was trying to hack off my feet as I flew by.

Billie helped me slay my attacker, but we had taken too much time, and the demon was directly behind Brendon now, his sword raised and ready to plunge into his back.

This was going to be Patrick's death all over again...I couldn't do anything to stop it, and I wanted to cry out in frustration at the unfairness of the world.

"Brendon - turn the fuck around!" I screeched out, but the distance was still too great, and I had only attracted more attention to myself with my cries, causing numerous demons to rush at me, blocking my path to Brendon's side.

Billie - help him!" I begged, trying my best to fight while still keeping an eye on Brendon, even though why I wanted to see another friend fall was a question I could not answer.

Billie took off in Brendon's direction, but he was a much slower flier than I was, and I knew he wasn't going to make it in time.

I finished off the demons surrounding me, wiping blood and sweat out of my eyes hastily while praying to my absent God that Brendon would not die today.

At the very last second, Brendon was shoved out of the way, but not by Billie Joe - instead, it was Ryan who had removed Brendon from harm’s way, placing himself in it instead.

"No - fuck no!" I cried, shoving myself off the ground in a pointless attempt at stopping the inevitable.

I failed again, it seemed I was destined to fuck everything up today, and I screamed as the demon's sword pierced Ryan's flesh. I knew I would never forget the look of shock on his face, which quickly morphed into a grimace of agony as the demon removed his weapon from Ryan's chest.

Billie had finally reached them at this point, and he cut down the demon with more fury than I believed him capable of possessing, hacking his body to pieces until I alit at his side and pulled him off the dismembered creature.

"Billie...fuck Billie - stop. It's over..." I whispered quietly to him, trying to remove his sword from his blood stained fingers.

"It's not fair..." Billie choked out, staring down at his hands as if he didn't even realize they were his.

"I know..." I held his shaking form against my chest, trying to calm him down.

I glanced over his shoulder to see Brendon clutching Ryan's bleeding body, sobbing quietly against his torn chest. I knew there was nothing I could do for either of them now, so I continued to console Billie as I kept an eye out for any approaching demons.

"Ry - baby...hang on okay? I'm going to get you some help," Brendon stuttered out, removing his shirt so he could press the fabric against his gaping wound.

"I'm sorry Bren, I just had to save you. You can't die again...but I can. I will see you soon anyway," Ryan coughed weakly, blood flecking his lips with each word.

"I know, but fuck - I didn't want this for you...Heaven is so fucked up, everything is, and I don't even know if I will be able to get up there now." Brendon's hands trembled violently, and I felt as if I was invading their private moment.

"I trust you Bren..."

"Fuck Ry - don't do this to me...you are going to be okay!" Brendon cried out, pressing down even harder onto Ryan's chest, ignoring the way blood was seeping through the makeshift bandage.

"I love you baby..." Ryan gasped out before his eyes fluttered shut and a wracking cough shook his entire body.

"No...no - this is not okay. Wake up Ryan! Fuck - I love you too...but you have to stay awake okay...please?" Brendon started shaking Ryan, but even I could tell from where I stood that his breathing had ceased, and he was gone from this world.

"Brendon...he's gone." I crouched down beside him, gently touching his shoulder as he rocked Ryan back and forth in his arms. Billie stood numbly beside me, hopefully keeping guard while I was distracted.

"This is all my fault...I shouldn't have brought him..." Brendon sobbed brokenly, refusing to meet my eyes as he spoke.

"This isn't your fault Bren...it's mine...I'm so sorry," I whispered softly.

"I couldn't say no to him...he was so determined that everything was going to be okay, and I believed it...I might as well have killed him myself."

"Don't say that, blame me if anything, I was there one who dragged you all out here because of Gerard."

"We all wanted to come Frank, his death isn't on you..." Billie spoke up softly, but his words did nothing to soothe the bitter pit of self-hatred that was boiling in my stomach.

"Did you find Gerard?" Brendon asked after a few moments of silence.

"No...not yet."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here?" Brendon finally met my gaze, and it physically hurt me to see his destroyed expression.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay..." I trailed off, because it didn't matter what I had intended, I hadn't managed to save anyone in the end.

"You are such an idiot…get back out there Frank!” Brendon wiped his eyes hastily before stumbling to his feet, gently setting Ryan down in the process.

"I - I can't find him..." I struggled to hold back my own tears. Everything else had gone to shit already, and I didn't even know if Gerard was still alive or not.

"Then go look! I will be right there to help...I just want to move Ryan's body somewhere safe so I can bury him later on."

"No...please don't...I can't let anyone else die today."

"We aren't leaving you now Frank, so just shut the fuck up and go save your man." Brendon leaned down to gather Ryan into his arms, tucking him close against his chest as if he was still alive, and my heart shattered at the sight.

"I'm so sorry..." I knew I was repeating myself, but I couldn't help it. Ryan - sweet, innocent Ryan, was dead, and it was all because of me.

"It's really okay Frank...he is going to be an angel now, that's what he wanted, and even though losing him like this hurts so fucking much, he's not really gone, but Gerard will be if you don't find him." I knew what Brendon was saying was true, but it didn’t matter, Ryan had still died in a confrontation that had nothing to do with him, and I would carry that guilt for the rest of my life.

"I just...I can't do this. My friends are all dying...and Gerard could already be dead, or on his way back to Hell -"

"Frank - snap out of it! You can't help him standing here, so go find out okay?" Brendon growled at me, and I needed the harsh words to force my body into action.

"Come on Frank." Billie tugged on my hand, and I realized that they were right.

I was being selfish trying to drown in my self-pity while Gerard was still out there, and I had to shove everything down for now, hopefully I would have time to truly apologize later, and if I didn't...well then I would probably be dead, and it wouldn’t matter then.

"Okay - I'm going." I flexed my wings once before taking to the air, Billie following behind me dutifully.

I choked back my sobs as I flew, trying my best not to watch Brendon retreating with Ryan's still form clutched in his arms. My limbs felt heavy, as if my body was weighed down by the immense amount of sorrow I was carrying inside my heart. I had to make up for all of my mistakes, and the only way I could do that would be to return with Gerard. If I didn't, this entire battle would have been for nothing, and everyone would have died in vain...


	41. Private Angel Log Entry Seventeen

**Private Angel Log Entry Seventeen**

_"Frank - we found him!"_ Ray's voice shouted in my head, and I halted so abruptly that Billie almost smacked into my back.

"Ray knows where Gerard is!" I answered the questioning look Billie was giving me before he could actually ask why I had stopped.

"Where is he?" Billie quickly as his eyes scanned the ground, and I did the same thing.

"I'll ask - last I saw him, he was trying to join up with Bob's demons." I headed in that direction as I mentally called out to Ray, asking for some sort of location.

I had begun to despair before this; the entire battlefield was a conglomeration of bodies that were constantly moving and changing, and picking out one demon amongst the masses was almost impossible, but thank god Ray had done what I could not.

 _"I'm not sure where I am exactly...toward the center of the two armies I think. Hurry Frank - he's heavily guarded, and we need your help."_ Ray tried to project me an image of where he was, but it was blurry and flickering, which happened when we couldn't concentrate long enough to form a proper picture.

I pushed my wings faster than I had ever flown in my entire life, narrowly dodging arrows as I went. I quickly left Billie Joe far behind me, but I couldn't force myself to slow down now, not when I was so close to Gerard.

Finally, I reached where I thought Ray was, and for once, I was actually right. His curly mop of hair was easy to pick out, even though it was matted with blood and dirt.

He was locked in combat with a couple of demons who were grouped around the cart Gerard had been tied to earlier, but I saw no sign of my love.

Gazing around rapidly, I caught a glimpse of red hair that I would recognize anywhere, and I headed in that direction, cutting down a few demons that Ray had missed. A part of me wanted to stay and help my friend, but I noticed Bob approaching with backup, and I knew they would reach Ray soon, so I took off after Gerard instead.

Gerard was being dragged away by a burly demon who was roughly tugging him to his feet by his chained hands every time he stumbled. Lucky for me, he had yet to notice my arrival, and I took advantage of that by cutting his head off before he even had a chance to scream.

Landing on the packed sand with a soft thump, I immediately spun around, ready to attack anyone else that dared to try and come between Gerard and I, but for once, we were mostly alone. Everyone seemed focused on Bob and his demons at the moment, leaving me free to tend to Gerard.

Now that the demon was no longer holding him up, Gerard had collapsed face first on the ground, curling himself into a tight ball as if that would help him remain undetected.

"Baby?" I approached him warily, not wanting to startle him in case he hadn't recognized me.

"Frank?" Gerard croaked out, lifting his head wearily to meet my eyes.

I had to stifle a gasp when I took in his appearance. His face was drawn and pale, and he had lost a significant amount of weight over the week we had been separated. His body was barely covered by a pair of tattered trousers, allowing me to see all of the angry red lacerations and bruises that decorated his skin.

"Yeah - it's me. I've got you." I dropped to my knees and gathered him in my arms, being careful not to touch any of his wounds.

"I thought I would never see you again..." he mumbled quietly as he slowly ran a hand over my filthy face.

"I know - I'm so sorry I took so long, but I will always find you," I whispered against the top of his head, trying to hold back my tears.

"You shouldn't have come...fuck Frank - why didn't you just let me go?" Gerard shuddered slightly in my hold, and I clutched him even tighter to me.

"I couldn't do that Gee...I need you okay? I'm nothing without you...and now you are safe. I'm going to get you out of here, and I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

As I spoke, I kept my eye trained on the surrounding area, trying to make sure we wouldn't be caught off guard in such a precarious position, but luckily, Bob's troops were defending the path to us fiercely, and none of the enemy had been able to break through yet.

"You don't understand Frank...Lucifer won't just let me go...fuck - he could be here any minute. He linked himself to my guard somehow; he will know he is dead by now. He won't let me escape Frank - not this time."

"It's okay Gerard, we will figure it out. Come on baby - we have to move okay? Bob can't guard us forever."

"Bob - who's that?" Gerard asked warily.

"You know Bob baby...he's your friend, you escaped from Hell together...remember?" I was completely thrown off by the way Gerard was acting; maybe he had received a blow to the head that had shaken his memories or something, but even then, his behavior was scaring me.

"No I don't...I barely remember anything...I wouldn't even know my own name if people didn't keep reminding me. I only remember you...and my brother...and I almost lost that too. Just leave me Frank...I'm too broken to fix this time...if Lucifer gets me back, he won't bother you..."

I didn't think my heart could break any more than it already had today, but Gerard proved me wrong. The emptiness in his eyes and the agony in his voice as he spoke were physically painful to behold, and I wanted to soothe all of his worries away, but I couldn't. He looked so shattered...and I knew it would take me ages to piece him back together again.

I had to try though, but first, I had to save us both before we were cut down where we stood.

"No - shut up. I'm not abandoning you, so stop saying that. We can fix this okay, and even if we can't, it doesn't matter." I attempted to gather Gerard into my arms so we could fly to safety, but he fought my efforts valiantly.

I couldn't imagine what Gerard had been through these last six days, but it had clearly ruined him. He didn't even believe he was worth saving anymore...and it reminded me so much of when I had first met him, and he had been a shell of the vibrant person I knew Gerard truly was.

"He won't stop looking for me Frank, and I can't have you hurt because of me...I love you too much for that," Gerard cried out brokenly.

Hearing that gave me hope, because no matter how much Lucifer had fucked with Gerard's brain, he still loved me, and that was the spark I needed to reignite the fire in my heart that had been doused by Ryan and Patrick's death.

Before I could answer, screams of pain reached my ears from somewhere nearby, and I noticed Bob's line of demons were faltering.

"He's here..." Gerard whispered fearfully, and I moved so I was covering his trembling form with my body.

"We need to leave...now!" I could see Lucifer approaching with his horde of demons, and if he reached us, we were dead.

"I can't Frank...he enchanted these shackles, if I try to fly away, they will become weighted down. He expected something like this to happen, I told you..." Silent tears were streaming down Gerard's face, but I refused to give up now.

"Well maybe I can carry you, I'm stronger than I look." I didn't wait for him to respond, instead, I scooped him into my arms and took off from the ground in a rustle of feathers.

We made it a few feet before the weight began to kick in, causing me to drop dangerously low to the sand, but I only strained my wings harder, determined to keep going.

"Frank - please stop." Gerard's words were torn away by the wind, but I still heard him. When I glanced at him, I saw his wrist were raw and bleeding from how he was trying to hold them up so they wouldn't drag us down even further, and I realized the longer I attempted to fight this, the more I was hurting him.

As much as I hated to see him in pain, I had to keep going, because to stop would mean that I was admitting defeat, and I had lost too much today to surrender now.

I couldn't keep it up though, each inched I gained in the air increased gravity’s hold on us, and I felt as if someone had turned my feathers into rocks without my knowledge.

With a strangled cry, I dropped out of the air, twisting at the last moment so I landed with Gerard on top of me in the hopes that it would protect him from the worst of the fall. My wings were crushed painfully beneath our bodies, but I ignored them, instead, focusing on Gerard, trying to make sure he hadn't been hurt in our awkward crash.

"I'm sorry Frank...I'm so sorry...I can't get them off...I've tried..." Gerard was sobbing now, his tears making dirty tracks down his sunken cheeks.

"It's okay...we will just have to go on foot. We can still do this." I helped him to his feet, doing my best to support Gerard as we stumbled across the uneven surface.

"Frank I can't...please - I need to stop." Gerard fell to his knees as soon as I stopped moving, and I had to suppress my scream of frustration at our slow progress. We had only been running for about five minutes, and we were nowhere near safe, not by a long shot.

I couldn't force him any farther though; from his ragged breathing and pale complexion, I could tell he was seconds away from passing out. I knew he needed more time to recover from this; if I had to guess, he probably had been locked up in some type of prison, and even if he hadn't been in such abysmal condition because of his wounds, this much physical exertion after something like that would take a toll on anyone.

"Gee...come on...it's just a little farther okay?" I stroked his hair soothingly, but it didn't seem to have any effect on him. We were fucked...and it was only a matter of time until someone happened upon us.

 _"Billie! Help me!"_ I called out in my head, hoping my friend wasn't too far behind us. Maybe between the both of us, we could move Gerard together.

 _"I'm coming, almost there..."_ Billie responded instantly, and I tried to relax until he arrived.

"Breathe Gee, Billie is on his way." I cringed when I realized that Gerard probably didn't remember Billie either, but he didn't even seem to have heard me. He was coughing wetly, and he didn't seem to be able to gather enough air in his lungs.

"It hurts - I'm trying..." Gerard wheezed out, doubling over as a particularly nasty hacking fit overtook him. Blood splattered from his mouth, staining the filthy sand even more than it already was.

His injuries were much more serious than I thought, he obviously had some internal damage, and I wished I had the time to heal it, but that would weaken me too much to risk right now, not to mention draw the attention of everyone in the nearby vicinity, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

"Just lie down." I settled onto the ground with my legs crossed, resting Gerard's head in my lap. He closed his eyes instantly, and luckily, everyone seemed to be ignoring us for the time being, so we gained a few moments of peace before we had to fight again.

 _"I see you,"_ Billie chimed in my head, and when I looked up, I saw his familiar tousled head of black hair plummeting in our direction.

"Billie's here Gee, we need to move." Gerard mumbled something in response, which I interpreted as an affirmation, before wearily climbing to his feet.

As I watched Billie swoop closer to us, I allowed a small smile to stretch across my face. He would help Gerard and I escape, and soon we would be able to put this entire horrendous day behind us.

"Frank - duck!" Gerard yelled, catching me off guard as he tackled me to the ground.

I heard the whoosh of wings narrowly pass over our prone bodies before my face was muffled in the grainy sand; they sounded enormous, much larger than any I had ever encountered before, and when I looked up, I saw why.

Lucifer himself was airborne above us, only just missing the chance to behead us because of Gerard's quick thinking. He was fearsome to behold, his pitch black feathers matching his armor perfectly, making him a beacon of darkness that was impossible to ignore. Most demons had skeletal appendages, but Lucifer had been an angel once, so he still retained his wings, even though they were so stained with his sins that they were darker than the dead of night.

His minions were quickly joining him, and the slight bubble of hope that had grown in my chest popped, leaving a wash of desolation behind.

"Billie - run!" I screamed, because he was now trapped within the circle of demons, and it might be too late for us to escape, but he could still make it out unscathed.

Billie Joe backpedaled in the air, but he was too slow to escape Lucifer, who was barreling toward him with an angry snarl on his face. Before Billie could move, Lucifer swung his enormous mace, dealing Billie a glancing blow which caused him to crumble in midair.

He fell to the ground in a heap, but Lucifer's blow had been so powerful, he had landed in a relatively calm area.

"Hey fucker - over here!" I hovered above the ground slightly, trying to draw Lucifer's attention my way in a desperate attempt to distract him from Billie Joe before he could finish him off.

Billie's wounds were grievous, but he would heal as long as he got the chance, and I had to make sure he received it.

Sending a silent message to Ray, telling him of Billie's location and what had just occurred, I forced myself to meet Lucifer's eyes, and it was like staring death in the face.

I couldn't back down though, the time to run had slipped through my fingers, and now I was being forced to fight for myself, but even more importantly - for Gerard.


	42. Private Angel Log Entry Eighteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Eighteen**

I hovered in the air with my sword grasped firmly in my hand, making sure to keep close to Gerard so no one could approach him without facing me.

I didn't know what to do; if I tried to run with Gerard, we would be cut down instantly, some of the demons surrounding us were carrying crossbows, and I couldn't dodge them all while flying with Gerard in my arms.

But if I stayed and fought, I would be leaving Gerard vulnerable to attack; no one was coming toward us just yet, which meant I would have to bring the fight to them, leaving Gerard exposed and weak.

I felt my stomach sink into my knees when I realized that we were well and truly fucked; even if I could fight back while protecting Gerard, there was no way I could defeat Lucifer, he was stronger than any living angel, and only his willingness to toy with us was keeping me alive right now.

There were worse ways to die though, and maybe if I kept Lucifer distracted for long enough, I could send a message to Ray, and he could help Gerard escape. It was a chance I would have to take, even though picking a fight with Lucifer would be the dumbest thing I had ever done, if it kept Gerard alive, it was worth it.

"Leave him alone Lucifer! Just take me okay? I will go willingly." Gerard's ragged voice sliced through my thoughts like a knife, and I wanted to scream in frustration at his stupid noble attempt to save me.

"Shut up Gerard," I hissed quietly, but he ignored me, like I knew he would.

"Now where would be the fun in that?" Lucifer smiled in a sickening way, and I wanted to smack the expression off his face.

"Please Frank...just let me do this for you? There is no way we are both getting out of this alive, and you know it, so this is for the best," Gerard pleaded desperately, but I couldn't live with myself if I lost Gerard now, not after we had sacrificed so much to save him.

"I'm not leaving you - just let me think! There has to be a way out of this," I growled.

"But there isn't...and that's okay Frank. You just have to let me go..."

"No! Fuck that okay? I can't do that...I'm not abandoning you just to save my own ass, because I am nothing without you. I don't want to be alive if you aren't with me, so if it kills me, I will find a way to save you," I retorted angrily.

"Lover's quarrels are always so much fun to witness," Lucifer commented haughtily. For a second there, I had almost forgotten we had an audience, I had been so caught up in changing Gerard's mind, I had blocked out everything else.

"I swear - I will come with you if you leave Frank alone...I won't try to escape, or run, or anything." Gerard tried again, but Lucifer only laughed loudly.

"But I already have you Gerard, it doesn't matter that you managed to slip my grasp for the moment. I will always find you again, so I gain nothing in this pathetic attempt at bartering." Gerard's face fell, and I could pinpoint the exact moment when he gave up completely, and it broke my heart to have to witness that.

"What the hell is your problem with us anyway? We weren't bothering you! Why couldn't you have just left us alone?" I retorted bitterly, not really expecting any answer, but the more time Lucifer spent talking to us, the longer he kept us both alive.

"You took something that belonged to me, and that alone is unforgivable. I was willingly to let that slide though, I am a very busy man after all, and I can't chase after every wayward demon that escapes, but you just had to take it a step further. When you stole my supply of Livian, you sealed your fate, and there is no escaping me now." He was right, there really was no way out, and I wasn't willing to ask my friends for help, no one could defeat Lucifer, and I didn't want anyone else to die for me today.

"Well - since pride seems to be your soft spot, hear me out for one second." I filled my voice with false bravado, praying that the slapdash plan I had just thrown together in my head would work, even though I highly doubted it.

"I'm interested..." Lucifer drawled slowly, so I took a deep breath and plunged ahead before I could change my mind.

"You and me, single combat, whoever draws first blood wins," I stammered out, trying to appear confident, even though I was the farthest thing from it.

"Why should I bother with you, I could have you killed right now without lifting a finger," Lucifer scoffed.

"You could, but that would be too easy, and I assume by the fact that we are still alive, that you want more of a challenge. Face it Lucifer, you have been holed up in Hell for quite some time, and this would be the perfect chance to prove your prowess," I fired back, hoping to rile him up enough that he wouldn't be able to refuse.

"And why do you deem yourself a worthy enough opponent for me?" Lucifer asked, but I could tell that I had caught his attention.

"I may not be an archangel, but I am the best demon slayer Heaven has right now. I have killed more of your minions than basically anyone, and I can hold my own against you," I boasted.

"Hmm...so what happens if I draw first blood?" Lucifer questioned me.

"If you win our little contest, you can kill me and gain your vengeance, and you will have Gerard back, but if I manage to strike first, you have to leave Gerard and I alone forever, no demons chasing us wherever we go - nothing." I bit my lip nervously after I issued my terms, I knew they were unfair, and Lucifer could kill me now without any petty contest, but I had to try something.

"Usually I wouldn't bother with someone like you, but you have spunk - you would have made a fine demon. I will agree to your ridiculous demands, but only because I could use some entertainment." Lucifer chuckled, and I tried to hide my audible sigh of relief. I couldn't believe he had consented to this, but I had finally gotten lucky for once.

"One last thing - no one interferes with our battle. Your demons can't touch Gerard or I, okay?" I knew Lucifer was tricky, so I had to get his promise on this point, or all was lost.

"Of course, that wouldn't be sporting of me otherwise." Lucifer looked at the circle of demons surrounding us as he spoke, and they all bowed their heads in acquiescence.

 _"Frank - I have Billie...where are you?"_ Ray voice rang out in my head, but I didn't answer him. I had to focus all of my concentration on the situation at hand.

"I will let you say goodbye to your love before we start," Lucifer waved his hand toward Gerard, who was still standing silently behind me.

I was nervous to turn my back on Lucifer, but I wasn't going to miss out on this chance to say a last few words to Gerard. Most likely - I would be dead in the next few minutes, so this might be our final moments together.

"Frank...why are you doing this?" Gerard mumbled quietly, his gaze not quite meeting mine.

"I have to try something Gerard, and I'm a fast flyer, I might be able to surprise him." I tried to comfort the both of us, because even I knew my chances of surviving this encounter were dismal.

"I don't want to watch you die..." Gerard wailed softly, and I gathered him into my arms gingerly, being careful to angle my sword away from him.

"I know baby, and I'll do my best to make sure that doesn't happen."

"I wish you never came for me..." he whispered against my chest.

"I don't, because I got to see you one last time, and even if I do die today, it will be worth it. You are everything to me...and I would give up my life one thousand times over if I got to spend just one more second with you."

"Fuck - I love you Frank..." Gerard titled his head up to meet me eyes, and underneath the tears, and the agony, and the sorrow, I saw true love shining out of his hazel eyes which I adored so much.

"I love you too baby, and I will always fight for you. Just promise me one thing - don't give up okay? Even if I fall, keep fighting, keep running. If a chance to escape comes up, take it. I can't bear the thought of Lucifer getting his hands on you again."

"I'll try Frank, if you try not to die."

"I don't plan to." And even though I was lying, it made Gerard smile, and I would tell him that the sun was green if I got to see that expression grace his face more often.

"Times up," Lucifer announced in a bored tone of voice. I pressed a quick kiss to Gerard's chapped lips before spinning around to face him once again. I wasn’t ready for our short time together to end, but I knew that even if I was granted a year to say goodbye to Gerard, it would never be enough.

"Let me ask you a question before we start?" Lucifer came closer to me as the demons surrounding us backed into a protective circle, keeping the adjacent fighting away from our little bubble, not that too many people were trying to get close to the king of Hell.

"What might that be?"

"Was this really all worth it? I know quite a lot about you Frank; how you turned your back on Heaven, how you ran away from everyone you ever knew all because of a random demon, you even killed one of your own, all in the name of love. I just want to know if your whirlwind romance was compensation enough for all the despair and chaos you created."

I had to pause for a moment to think, not because I didn't believe Gerard was truly worth everything the two of us had been through together, but because to hear it put so bluntly was a shock. We really had overcome unimaginable trials just to obtain the few moments of happiness we shared, and we weren't the only ones. So many people's lives had changed, or ended, because of us.

If I hadn't met Gerard, this entire situation would never have happened, Gerard would be safe - albeit unhappy, in Hell, and I would be living my monotonous life in Heaven. Mikey wouldn't have almost died because we convinced him to run away, Pete would still be here...and Patrick...and Ryan.

There wouldn't be a rift in Heaven if I hadn't left, and even though everything wouldn't be perfect, there would be no battle, no pointless deaths, all in the name of a love that the world obviously didn't want to accept. Maybe we really weren’t meant to be together, no matter how right it felt.

We had met obstacles at every turn, but Gerard and I were both too stubborn to give up on each other, and even though most people would have accepted the inevitable long ago and called it quits, we hadn’t even considered it. Fuck - I couldn’t even imagine life without Gerard in it any longer, so if it had to end in tragedy, then so be it.

Even though I loved Gerard, all of the suffering we had caused made our relationship seem insanely selfish, but I couldn't bring myself to feel regret for any of it. Maybe the world would have been better off if I had never met him, but I wouldn't be.

So even though I would carry the weight of my actions with me for the rest of my life - whatever time I had left that is - it was all worth it in the end, at least to me. Gerard was so special, and he made me feel emotions that I never imagined I would experience. If I had to choose between never knowing he existed, or going into this knowing all the terrible things that would happen to us, I would choose Gerard again in a heartbeat, and if that made me a selfish person, then I could live with that.

"It was worth everything and more," I responded truthfully.

"Well good for you, you can die with no regrets then," Lucifer chuckled to himself.

"Everyone has regrets, I probably have more than most, but Gerard will never be one of them. Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me," I spat back, knowing that Lucifer didn't care at all, but I felt the need to say it.

"Whatever you say. I understand you know...in a way. I was in love once, a long time ago, before I fell," Lucifer's eyes took on a faraway look as he spoke.

"Really?" I questioned curiously, not able to imagine someone like Lucifer every feeling affection for anyone.

"She was an angel, and she deserved the name more than most. She was perfect, but when God cast me out, she shunned me like all the rest. That is when I decided that love is a pointless waste of time. I pity you actually, I still remember how that undying affection for another person can cripple you."

"It can bring you down, but it can also lift you up," I argued back, but I could tell that Lucifer was done with this conversation.

"I can see that I will never change your mind, and I am bored of talking - let's get this over with." Lucifer hefted his large mace over his shoulder before gliding slightly away from me.

"I'm ready when you are." I lifted my own sword, which was puny in comparison to his weapon, ready for the fight of my life.

"Gerard - why don't you give the call to start?" Gerard visibly started when Lucifer addressed him.

"Leave him out of this -" I hissed; I could sense the terror leaking off of my love, and I knew the last thing he wanted to do was start the battle that would most likely end in my death.

"Oh come on now, we need someone to give the signal."

"It doesn't have to be him," I argued back.

"So defensive Frankie...fine, one of my men can do it. Damien, step up!" I watched as a lanky demon emerged for the circle surrounding us, but most of my attention was still drawn to Gerard, I kept my eye on him as he wandered over to the edge of the open space, looking lost and forlorn. There was no way he could escape without one of the demons noticing, but I hoped he would find an opportunity soon.

"When my arm falls, the fight begins," Damien exclaimed in a gravelly voice.

Lucifer and I both tensed up as Damien lifted his arm high in the air; it seemed like he held it there for hours, but it was probably only seconds until he slowly brought it down, smacking the palm of his hand against his thigh.

"Begin!"


	43. Private Angel Log Entry Nineteen

**Private Angel Log Entry Nineteen**

Lucifer didn't move immediately, he just hovered in midair with a coy smile on his face, teasing me with his inactivity. He obviously was waiting for me to make the first move, but I wasn't going to rush in without some careful consideration.

I was at a serious disadvantage in this fight, Lucifer was stronger than me, and his weapon had a greater reach, so the only thing I had going for me was my speed. Unfortunately, I was already exhausted from all of the battles I had been in earlier, and Lucifer looked fresh, there wasn't a speck of blood on his black armor, so I would have to finish this quickly before I tired even further.

Feigning left, I quickly changed direction and dodged right instead, trying to graze Lucifer's wing with the tip of my sword, but I was too slow. Lucifer moved aside before I could make contact, but I refused to give up.

"Too slow Frankie...care to try again?" Lucifer taunted me. Hot air was pushed toward me as Lucifer beat his wings rapidly, and I barely managed to get out of the way as he barreled toward me.

 _"Frank - where the fuck are you?"_ Ray's voice filled my head again, and I flew farther away from Lucifer to give myself a few seconds to answer him.

 _"Not now Ray - just get out of here okay? Tell everyone to retreat. I found Gerard, but we are trapped."_ I didn't have any more time to explain, because Lucifer was coming at me again, swinging his massive mace in a wide arch, forcing me to flit out of reach.

I was on the defensive now, which was not a good place to be in, but I didn't know how I was going to change it. Lucifer hounded me wherever I went, and no matter how hard I pushed my wings, I never got close to landing a blow.

 _"Frank - just tell me where you are, let us help you!"_ Ray called out again, and I growled in frustration at the unnecessary distraction.

_"I can't talk right now okay? Fighting Lucifer - leave while you still have the chance!"_

"After all of your boasting, this contest is turning out to be quite a bore." Lucifer stopped his relentless pursuit of me for a moment, giving me a much needed chance to catch my breath.

"Well unlike you, I have actually been taking part in the fighting today, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit tired," I bit back harshly, trying to decide what my next move would be.

"You agreed to the terms of this contest, so are you actually going to fight me, or just run until I cut you down?"

Deciding to respond with actions instead of words, I threw myself at Lucifer, swinging my sword widely, but he managed to bring up his mace in time, blocking my blow with the handle. We stayed locked in heated combat for a few minutes, with neither of us drawing any blood, before I had to back away.

We continued this pattern for quite some time, engaging for a few brief moments, before pulling back to regain our positions, and in my case, some of my flagging strength, then we would clash together again.

Lucifer had stopped talking as much, and his face was twisted into an expression of concentration instead of the sneer it carried earlier. I was putting up a decent fight, and he was actually having to put some effort into this.

Finally, I managed to land a hit, but it grazed off of Lucifer's arm band, failing to draw any blood in the process, but the fact that I touched him at all infuriated the fallen angel.

"You sniveling shit - that will be the last time your blade reaches me!" Lucifer roared before redoubling his efforts to wound me, and I was forced to retreat from his onslaught. My arms were burning from the effort of holding back his strikes, and I needed some more time to recover.

As I flew around the edge of the circle the demons had made around us, I kept my eyes peeled for Gerard, but when I finally found him, my heart sank into my knees. He wasn't going to be able to escape, because he was being held on both sides by demons, one of which was forcing his head up, making him watch Lucifer's and I's skirmish.

"I love you baby..." I mouthed to him, because I knew this was almost the end, I was too winded to keep this up for any longer, and I wanted to make sure he knew how much he meant to me.

Even though he didn’t respond, I caught the slight twitch of his lips, and I knew he had caught my words. I only wished I could have saved him...but I was doomed to fail at that task, and now all I could hope for was that someone else could do what I could not.

 _"Ray - they have Gerard. If you can...try and save him."_ That was all I had time to say before Lucifer was swinging at me again, and it took everything I had to duck under his blow.

I couldn't keep running any more, my limbs were heavy from exhaustion, so I had to make one final attempt at doing the impossible.

With a strangled cry, I launched myself at Lucifer with all of my remaining strength, aiming my sword at his exposed neck. My sudden movement had caught him off guard, and for one second, I thought I was actually going to draw first blood.

I didn't though, of course I didn't, Lucifer wouldn't allow it, and at the last possible moment, he brought up his mace and slammed it against my sword so hard, my numb fingers lost their grip on the weapon, and I watched helplessly as it tumbled to the ground.

I tried to descend so I could retrieve my fallen sword, but one of Lucifer's gloved hands tangled in the feathers of my wings, clutching them tightly as I cried out in pain.

"You put up a good fight, but it looks like I win," he hissed in my ear as he raised his mace high over his head.

I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the killing blow, but instead of bringing his weapon down on my head like I had expected, it connected with one of my wings instead, forcing me to the ground as my appendage crumpled from the weapon’s impact.

I landed painfully, pressing my lips together to hold back my screams as my wounded pinion was crushed underneath me. Lucifer lowered himself down next to me; the satisfied smirk on his face made me feel physically ill, or that could be the white hot pain from my grievous injury.

I couldn't bring myself to get up, why should I even bother when Lucifer had already won, so I lay in a rapidly expanding pool of my own blood, whimpering softly at the sharp bursts of pain that were shooting throughout my body every time my wing twitched.

"Victory is mine, and now your life is as well," Lucifer exclaimed triumphantly.

"Then take it -" I gasped out, trying my best to hide the weakness in my voice. I refused to look in Gerard's direction, because as much as I wanted him to be the last sight my eyes beheld before the end, I couldn't bear to face his pain as he was forced to watch this.

"Well...I could do that, but I have a better idea instead. I could cut off your head, but then your life would be over, and eternal suffering is more my style."

"You want to torture me - fine," I answered coldly. I wouldn't survive long with this grievous of an injury to my wing, they were almost as vital to an angel's survival as a heart, so his empty threats didn't scare me.

"Sometimes physical pain isn't the only way to hurt someone, and I can see with you, there is something else that would ruin you far more. I choose to cut out your heart instead." At first, I didn't understand what Lucifer meant, my brain was fuzzy from pain and exhaustion, but when Gerard was dragged into my line of sight, it all became clear to me.

"No - not that. Please don't....I thought..." I pulled myself to my knees with a soft cry, unable to rise any higher because of the agony my body was in, but I couldn't take this lying down.

"I won, so I can do whatever I wish with the both of you. I believe those were the terms of our agreement." Lucifer smiled as Gerard was forced to halt directly in front of us, flanked on both sides by demon guards. One of them produced a slender knife from a holster before handing it to Lucifer reverently.

"No...please..." I sobbed out brokenly, all dignity forgotten now that I was faced with this hopeless situation.

"This is so much more satisfying than simply killing you, wouldn't you say?" Lucifer chuckled gleefully.

I was helplessly to do anything, my body was ruined, and I couldn't even stand, much less help Gerard in any way, but I couldn't just let this happen. I had done everything possible to try and gain Gerard a chance at escape, but it was as if Lucifer knew that, and he was determined to destroy me by killing the only thing that had made my life worth living.

"I'll do anything....just - please don't do this?" I begged one last time, even though I knew that Lucifer had already made up his mind, and my words were falling on deaf ears.

"And so ends another pair of tragic lovers." Lucifer glanced in my direction as he pressed the knife against Gerard's throat, obviously wanting to see my reaction.

Gerard tried to back away, but the demons behind him blocked his movement, gripping him by the shoulders so he could barely even squirm. As much as I didn't want to, I met his eyes, and they weren't filled with terror like I thought they would be. Instead they seemed content, Gerard was at peace with what was about to happen.

"It's okay Frank...I love you," he whispered to me.

Gerard might have accepted this, but I hadn't, and with a burst of energy I didn't know I possessed, I launched myself off the ground, trying to knock the knife out of Lucifer's hand, but once again, he was too quick for me.

Lucifer grabbed me by my damaged wing, forcing me back to the ground as my vision whited out from the fiery pain that exploded throughout my entire body.

"Hold him," Lucifer commanded one of the many demons surrounding us, and I felt a booted foot pressed against my back, keeping me pinned to the ground, but I managed to lift my head so I could maintain my line of sight to Gerard.

"No! You can't do this!" I screamed raggedly, but he could - he was Lucifer, and we were finally paying the price for daring to cross him.

I didn't want to watch this, but I had to, so even though my eyes were blurring with tears, I kept my gaze firmly fixed on Gerard's face, trying to memorize every detail of the perfect man who stood before me. His expression was resolute, and even in the end, he showed no fear, while on the other hand, I was a blubbering mess.

"Let this be a lesson to all that challenge the King of Hell!" Lucifer bellowed loudly, and with those words, he swiped the knife across Gerard's pale throat, leaving an angry gash in its place.

Everything seemed to slow down, as if the world wanted to pause this moment in time, because maybe then some miracle would happen, Ray would swoop in at the last moment, and I would get a chance to heal Gerard before it was too late, never mind the fact that I was so weak I could barely knit together a scratch right now, but of course, no one came to save us, and even if they had, it wouldn't have mattered either way.

I watched as Gerard's face contorted in an expression of shock, his eyes widened and his face paled even more, before pain overtook his features, and finally, panic set in. His hands fluttered up to his throat, hampered by the chains that still bound them.

The demons flanking him released their hold on him, and he fell heavily to the sandy ground, each inch seemed to take ages, until he finally collapsed in a heap, and everything seemed to return to normal speed once again.

"No! Gerard!" I cried out, choking back my tears as I struggled against the demon that still had me pinned with his foot. When Lucifer nodded at him, he removed his booted appendage, and I scrambled to my love's side as quickly as I could in my battered condition, ignoring the waves of pain that were threatening to overwhelm me, because they were nothing compared to the agony my heart was in.

"Baby...no...oh god - Gee." I managed to gather him into my arms, feeling his warm blood flowing over me as I cradled him against my chest.

He tried to speak, but nothing came out because of his shredded windpipe, only slight gasps emitted from his mouth, and I wasn't even sure if he could hear me or not, but I kept babbling to him anyway.

"I'm so sorry...I love you so much...this wasn't supposed to happen. Fuck - I'm here okay? I've got you." I pushed his sweaty hair back out his face, stroking it gently in a pathetic attempt to make his last moments in this world as comfortable as possible.

"Don't be scared baby, I'm not going to leave you. Not even the final death will separate us, I'll find you, I always will - just like I promised okay?"

Gerard gasped loudly, and blood began to dribble out of his mouth. His chest wasn't rising and falling anymore, and his hands had fallen from around his throat, lying limply in his lap instead. As I stared into his hazel eyes, I witnessed the light leave them, and I was forced to face the fact that he was truly gone.

I felt my own heart shatter as I gently closed his eyelids, but I was so destroyed, I couldn't even cry, I simply rested my head on top of his, rocking Gerard back and forth as I keened softly to myself.

"Leave them, the angel will be dead soon anyway," Lucifer's voice sounded out, but to me, it seemed as if he spoke from a great distance, even though he was right behind me.

I barely registered the sound of booted feet retreating, and I didn't even bother to look up as I was left alone with Gerard's body. My entire world was gone, and I couldn’t move, I could barely breathe, or else I would splinter into a million pieces. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized that I was still in danger; the battle was still going on, but I didn’t care - I wanted to die, so it would be a blessing if someone cut me down right now, then I could be with Gerard again.

 _"Frank?"_ Ray's voice came into my thoughts again, but I blocked it out, fuck - I blocked everything out. Nothing mattered now that Gerard was dead.

I don't know how long I sat there, drowning in my own blood and despair, but eventually I heard wings fluttering beside me. I didn't look up though, I just pressed my face even deeper into Gerard's hair, inhaling his scent one last time.

If I ignored his gaping wound and blood stained body, I could pretend he was just sleeping, and any moment now, his eyes would flutter open, and he would grace me with that look that melted every bone in my body, and everything would be okay again.

"Frank...it’s me - Billie Joe." My friend approached my tentatively, but I couldn't find the strength to move. Even though I was happy that he was alive and well, I couldn’t find the strength to acknowledge his presence.

"Oh god..." I heard someone - Ray, I think - choke out when they caught sight of Gerard and I.

"Keep Mikey away," Billie commanded softly, and I assumed Ray acknowledged him, because he took off into the air as quickly as he had come.

"Frank...can you answer me?" Billie asked softly, and I simply shook my head slowly. I felt him crouch down next to me, and I flinched violently when he laid a hand on my shoulder, causing my wing to erupt in pain again.

"I need to heal your wound...you are going to bleed out soon."

"I don't care..." I croaked out, finally managing to find my voice. I didn’t want to be saved, I was perfectly fine with dying right here with Gerard in my arms, and I wished Billie could understand that.

"I am so sorry about Gerard...but he wouldn't want you to die too. You know that Frank," Billie coaxed me gently, but I shuffled away from his touch as much as I could. His words of comfort fell flat on my ears, and even though I knew he was right, I didn’t care, because Gerard wasn’t here anymore, and he never would be again, and this world has lost all of its promise without his presence in it.

"I - I just want him back. I can't let him die alone, I promised I would always find him, and that holds true, even in death."

Billie didn't respond with words, instead he wrapped his arms around me gingerly, being careful to avoid my tattered wing. The simple act of affection broke down the last wall I had erected around my composure, and I shattered completely, breaking down in heart wrenching sobs against Billie's shoulder, still clutching on to Gerard for dear life.

"It hurts so much - he can't be gone..." I gasped out. I needed Billie to fix this, to tell me that this was all a dream - that Gerard was still alive, and he could be saved, even though the rational portion of my mind knew that a killing blow from Lucifer was something no demon could ever heal from.

"I know...I'm so sorry Frank..." Billie murmured sorrowfully. I felt a slight heat behind me, and I knew Billie was healing me without his permission. I didn’t fight him though, I was too weak to bother, and the searing pain from his Holy Fire felt like nothing to me, not now that I had already experienced the ultimate agony of losing Gerard.

“Just leave me alone…” I whispered hoarsely.

“I’m not going to do that. Can you stand? I can’t heal your wing completely…it’s too damaged, but we need to get out of here. I will help you bury Gerard…”

“No…he can’t be gone…there has to be a way to bring him back…” I wailed pathetically. I was losing my mind; Billie’s words were reinforcing the truth that Gerard was truly gone, and I couldn’t even think of laying him to rest, not when I had barely accepted the fact that he was dead.

“Brendon is on his way here Frank, and we will drag you off this battlefield if we have to. Please don’t make us do that,” Billie begged me desperately.

I couldn’t let them take me away, because then I would have to keep living, and that was the last thing I wanted. I realized that I was being selfish, and I wasn’t the only one who had lost a loved one today, but I couldn’t seem to convince my heart of that. I wouldn’t heal from this wound, of that much I was certain, and time would never lessen the pain of this loss.

I eyed the sword that hung at Billie’s side, trying to decide if I had enough strength to seize it and end myself before he could react.

"I -" My sentence was lost amidst a surprisingly loud clap of thunder, which was an unexpected anomaly on this sunny arid day.

"What the -" Billie exclaimed, and we both raised our head to stare at the sky. We were blinded by a brilliant white light flashing down from the heavens, illuminating the middle of the battlefield in its glow.

"Cease this madness now!" A commanding voice called out, and I would know that voice anywhere, even though it had been over a year since I had heard it last.

God had finally made an appearance.


	44. Private Angel Log Entry Twenty

**Private Angel Log Entry Twenty**

As I watched, the beam of light descending from Heaven widened in an ever increasing arch, until we were all bathed in its brilliant glow. I was forced to shut my eyes against the harsh glare, and when I could finally open them again, all fighting had ceased. Everyone's attention was now focused on the figuring standing in the center of the battlefield.

Even though we were some distance away from where God had materialized, we could still see and hear him clearly. God always appeared different to me every time I saw him, and today, he appeared in the form of a slender woman with flowing blonde hair touching her feet, and a stern expression on her chiseled face. I guess referring to God as them would be more appropriate, because God didn't truly have a gender - they were everything and nothing all at the same time.

"It's God..." Billie Joe gasped out, clutching onto my arm like it was the only thing keeping him grounded. I realized that this was his first time ever seeing God, since his entire existence before he had escaped with Brendon had been spent locked away, thanks to the archangels. I was tempted to ask how God appeared to him, but I couldn't seem to find my voice, so I remained silent.

"Who is responsible for this?" God asked in a calm tone of voice that carried over the entire battlefield. Even though the blinding light had faded away, God still seemed to glow with an inner fire, and small sparks fell from their hands and hair when they moved.

"My Lord, thank goodness you showed up." Oliver hobbled over to their side, still favoring the wing that Patrick had managed to cripple.

"I leave to visit another world for barely a year, and I come back to this chaos? Is this your doing Oliver?"

"No, of course not...Frank brought us here under false pretenses, I was just leading the army in your name until you returned," Oliver groveled pathetically.

"And when did I give you permission to do any such thing?" I could hear the suppressed rage in God's voice, and if I were Oliver, I would be shitting myself right now.

"Oh - um, well no one exactly, but I am the highest ranking angel, so I took the burden upon myself. We needed leadership when you left us..."

"And within that time, hundreds of my angels have deserted Heaven, and I find you throwing away countless more lives in a pointless battle that even I do not understand the purpose of." Oliver visibly flinched under God's harsh words, and I didn't blame him.

"This entire mess is Frank's fault, not mine. He sent out a forged missive from Lucifer, stating a declaration of war, and when we showed up, his band of rebels was already here, blocking our way and trying to convince even more angels to desert from Heaven," Oliver babbled, eager to pass the blame on to someone else. Usually, I would be furious with Oliver’s cowardly mannerisms, but I felt nothing as he served me up before God - nothing expect the burning ache in my heart that I knew I would carry with me for the rest of my life.

"If Frank still lives, let him step forward," God commanded, and even though the last thing I wanted to do was move, I couldn't ignore God.

So I shakily gained my footing, keeping a tight hold on Gerard's body the entire time. He felt so light, and even though I should have been struggling under his weight, I found myself constantly looking down to reassure myself that he was still in my arms. With Billie's help, I managed to stagger my way over to where God was standing, keeping my head bowed so I wouldn't have to meet their eyes.

"I'm here Lord," I rasped out, my throat raw from my earlier sobs.

"Is it true that you orchestrated this clash between Heaven and Hell?" God asked softly, and I didn't hear blame in their voice, just curiosity. Usually, God knew all that resided on Earth, but when they left for other worlds, their sight became clouded, so they had no idea what had transpired while they had been away.

"Yes," I answered succinctly, because there was no point in pleading my case, not now that I had already lost the one thing that mattered to me.

God stared into my eyes, and I faced them resolutely. I knew they was sifting through my memories, trying to discover what had happened in my mind, since it was obvious that I was in no fit state to explain everything to them. I could feel their presence worming its way into my thoughts, but I didn't fight it. Instead, I did my best to relax, and let them take as much knowledge as they could from me.

"Oh Frank..." God's crystal voice finally reached my ears, and I felt the probing sensation leave my brain. I could hear the suppressed sorrow in God's tone, and it took all the strength I possessed not to break down in tears again.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered quietly. God's mental excursion had drained me, and I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Unable to keep my feet any longer, I collapsed to my knees, cradling Gerard against my chest as if he could still feel the impact, and I needed to protect him from the rough landing. Billie dropped down beside me with a worried expression, and even though I appreciated his concern, he didn't need to bother. Thanks to his earlier healing, I wasn't close to death anymore, just exhausted and heart broken.

"Any remaining rebel angels and demons, please step forward," God called out, and within minutes, I was surrounded by my friends once again. God used the time they took assembling to return their attention back to Oliver, and I knew he was receiving the same mind reading that I had just experienced.

"Oh my god...is that Gerard?" Mikey's voice broke through over the sounds of shuffling feet and groans of pain from the wounded.

"Fuck Mikey - come back!" Ray called after him, but it was too late, Mikey had already reached my side.

"Is...is he?" Mikey asked shakily, reaching out a trembling hand to touch Gerard's still figure.

"I'm so sorry Mikes...I tried - fuck, I tried so hard, but I failed him," I choked out past the suffocating guilt that was threatening to bury me.

"He...no - he can't be..." Mikey broke down into sobs, and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I couldn't do that when my own heart was completely destroyed.

Billie Joe ended up tugging Mikey away, and I saw Ray embracing the sobbing boy out of the corner of my eye before I forced myself to avert my eyes. I couldn't deal with any more pain and sorrow, not right now.

Now that the attention was no longer on me, my despair overwhelmed my mind once again, and bitter sobs tore their way out of my throat. I clutched Gerard even tighter, trying to find the warmth that his body always used to contain, but he was already growing cold and stiff.

"Is it true that you drove Frank out of Heaven?" God asked when they were finished with Oliver.

"No...he ran away! He was caught consorting with a demon, and you weren't there, so I was simply trying to take him into custody until a trial could be arranged," Oliver defended himself angrily.

"You disappoint me Oliver...and I had such high hopes for you," God shook their head sadly.

"What do you mean? I was simply following the rules!" Oliver protested in a confused tone of voice.

"I left this world for a time because it was on the precipice of great change, and I could not interfere with what was going to happen. You had a chance to bring about a relative peace between Heaven and Hell, but instead, you have done the complete opposite."

"What was I supposed to do? Frank is a sinner, and he needed to be punished!" Oliver cried out, clearly not expecting God to be angry at him for what he had done.

"Yes, it is true that angels are not allowed to betray Heaven by giving secrets to demons, but did you even try to find out if Frank was doing that? I never said an angel couldn't love a demon, actually - I have been waiting for this moment for time untold, and now look what has happened."

"I - I didn't..." Oliver stammered awkwardly, obviously at a loss for words.

"You are stripped of the rank archangel, not just for your banishment of Frank, but for your abuse of power, and you will have to work hard to regain my trust." God turned away from Oliver with an air of finality, not even bothering to listen to his pleas for leniency.

"All angels and demons who have found common ground, listen to my words! You are the future, and your open minds and brave hearts are what I one day hope for the entirety of our two races, but for now, that is still a dream, and I can only offer this slight recompense for you valiant acts."

Everyone was deadly silent, waiting for what God would say next except for me. My soft sobs were the only sound that could be heard besides the wind; I just couldn't seem to control myself, because even though God had finally come to set everything straight, they was too late to save Gerard, and I didn't care about any other gift they could give me.

"All of the angels that were strong enough to stand up for your beliefs will be elevated to the rank of archangel. Heaven needs your leadership now, and over time, your vision may become a reality if you make it so."

Stifled gasps broke out all over the battlefield, but I didn't respond at all. A new rank meant nothing to me, but I was happy that my friends had gotten this privileged, they deserved it.

"And to all demons that managed to put the prejudices aside and were brave enough to reject Hell, you will all be given the choice of becoming angels if you so wish. If not, I will promise that no angels shall harm or hound you, as long as you do not return to do Lucifer's bidding."

The shocked exclamations were much louder this time, and for good reason. I had no idea that God had the power to change someone's race, but apparently it was an ability that they possessed. If only I had known about this earlier...Gerard had always wanted to be an angel.

"Now hold on!" Lucifer's voice rang out over the battlefield, and all attention snapped to the seething fallen angel who had only just now made an appearance.

"Hello Lucifer," God greeted his onetime servant coldly.

"Save your greetings. If you think I am going to let you turn my demons into pathetic angels, then you don't know me very well." Lucifer landed in front of God with a stubborn expression plastered on his face.

"They are no longer your subjects, not since they forsake you and ran away from Hell. Because they have cut all bonds with you, I am free to do with them as a wish," God countered smoothly, which infuriated Lucifer, but there wasn't much he could do. Lucifer may be the most powerful angel alive, but God was...well God, and they outranked even the king of Hell.

"Fine...you can have them, it's not like I want a bunch of traitors back anyway, but this isn't over. There will never be peace between Heaven and Hell, not as long as I am alive," Lucifer spat back harshly.

"We shall see..." God replied aloofly. Lucifer turned on his heel in a huff, beating his wings in preparation for flight, but he paused when he caught sight of me.

"Still alive Frankie? Well enjoy life without your other half," Lucifer chuckled to himself.

"Fuck you," I spat out bitterly, and if I had the strength, I would have thrown myself at Lucifer in a pathetic attempt at vengeance, but my limbs refused to cooperate.

Lucifer didn't responded, he just laughed gleefully before taking off into the sky, rallying his remaining demons before retreating from the battlefield entirely.

"All angels will return to Heaven now. Care for the wounded and remember the dead. Any demons that wish to become angels, please come see me," God announced, and everyone scrambled to obey their orders.

"God?" I whispered quietly, taking advantage of this quiet moment while it still existed.

"Yes Frank?" they replied gently.

"Can you...bring him back? Gerard didn't deserve this...and I - I need him. I love him. I'll do anything, I promise. Can't you trade my life for his?" I begged, unwilling to give up on the chance that maybe - just maybe, Gerard could still be saved.

"My son...I am so sorry, but the final death is just that - final, and I can do nothing for him now."

"Oh..." I gasped out, feeling the pain of his loss all over again, as if it had only now happened. A part of me had been desperately holding onto this one last hope ever since God had appeared, but now, even that was gone, and I was left with only the body of what had once been the love of my life.

"I am so sorry Frank. Go tend to your wounds and give him a proper burial." God touched my shoulder gently, and some of my agony, both emotional and physical, eased slightly, and I simply nodded in response.

Billie Joe and Brendon appeared as if from nowhere, helping me to my feet and leading me away from the growing press of demons that were waiting to be changed into angels.

As I let myself be taken away, I struggled to come to grips with my life now. Gerard was gone, really and truly dead, and I hadn't died on the battlefield with him like I had planned on. I wanted to be with him more than anything, but Billie was right earlier when he said that wasn't what Gerard would want. If he was here, he would tell me to keep on living, to try and change the world now that I had been giving the rank and the chance to do it. I had failed him so many times before, so I didn't want to disappoint him in this too.

I didn't know if it was God's touch, or something else, but my intense desire to end my life as soon as possible had ebbed slightly, and even though I was still filled with enough sorrow to drown the world, I didn't want to give up just yet.

My friends still needed me, and so did the world, so even though all I wanted to do was close my eyes forever, I still had some unfinished business to attend to before I could join Gerard in the final death.


	45. Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-One

**Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-One**

"Frank...are you okay?" Billie Joe asked after a long period of silence, during which I had simply followed my friends aimlessly, leaving the blood stained sands behind us. I still clutched Gerard's body in my arms tightly; Brendon had offered to carry him for me, but I had refused, and he hadn't pressed the matter.

"No," I answered truthfully, because I wasn't okay, and I probably never would be, but that was just my new reality, and I would have to learn to deal with that.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't help you more," Billie whispered.

"It wasn't your fault. I'm just glad you are still alive."

"Do you want to bury him? I still need to lay Ryan to rest...I stored his body not far from here," Brendon choked out in a strained voice.

"Okay," I responded numbly, because even though I didn't want to put Gerard in the ground, I knew it was something that needed to be done. I cringed at the thought though, because then I would truly never be able to hold him again, and even though the body in my arms wasn't really Gerard - not anymore, because it was his laugh, and his smile, and his soul that made him who he was, not this shell of flesh and bone, but it was still the last tie I had to him.

"Ryan isn't too much farther...but I don't want to place his grave here, it's too barren. They both deserve to be buried somewhere beautiful," Brendon continued on, and I nodded in acknowledgement, trying my best to fight back the wave of jealousy that had risen in my heart.

Because - yes, Ryan had died, but Brendon would still be reunited with him. Any moment now, his soul would rematerialize in Heaven, and Brendon would have his lover back, but Gerard and I would never get that chance.

That wasn't to say that I didn't feel terrible that Ryan had fallen, because I did, but I couldn't squash my unruly emotions that envied Brendon this second chance. I would give anything for just one more minute with Gerard...

"I can't fly," I muttered quietly when I realized that everyone was waiting for my response, my wounded wing twitched as if to illustrate that fact. Even though Billie Joe had healed me, it had been a slapdash job, and only the wound had closed. My bones were still twisted and disfigured, and I wasn't sure if I would ever regain my gift of flight.

"It's okay, someone can carry you. Ray is going to join us soon with Mikey and Bob..." Brendon explained.

We walked a bit farther before reaching a natural cavern created out of rock and sand where Brendon had hidden Ryan's body. He gathered him into his arms in a manner similar to the way I was carrying Gerard, and I had to turn away from the sorrowful picture they presented.

I waited in silence for the others to arrive; Brendon was babbling on about some site he had picked out for the graves, but I didn't care. No matter where I laid Gerard to rest, it would never be good enough for him, not even if I built him a monument out of gold, but I knew that Brendon was just talking to cover up his pain, so I let him continue on without interruption.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I heard Ray and Bob's familiar flight pattern, and another that I didn't recognize. When I glanced up, my friends were winging their way toward us quickly, but that wasn't what made my lips twitch into the parody of a smile, a true grin was too much for me to produce right now.

No - it was the sight of Mikey's new wings that did that, because fuck they were beautiful. His feathers were almost pure white in color, and the thick plumage fit him much better than his old skeletal wings ever had.

"Hey guys," Mikey smiled as he touched down beside us, his happy expression falling from his face when he laid eyes on Gerard's body.

"Wow Mikey...your wings are amazing!" Billie Joe gushed, stepping closer to him so he could get a better look at his pinions.

"Yeah they kind of are, aren't they?" Mikey preened under the attention, and I was truly happy that at least one of the Way brothers had managed to become an angel, they both deserved that title.

"You were meant to be an angel Mikey," Ray blushed slightly as he spoke, but I was the only you who seemed to notice.

"Why didn't yours change Bob?" Billie asked, and it was only then that I realized that Bob's wings were the same as before, which meant that he had rejected God's gift.

"I've been a demon for too long, and it just didn't feel right. I was never meant to be an angel, and a lot of my boys decided not to become one either, so someone's got to lead those fuckers, and it might as well be me." Bob shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably.

"Where will you go?" Brendon questioned curiously.

"Fuck - I'm not sure yet...but we will figure everything out in time. We still have our spies in Hell, and we can snap up any newbies that don't want to be there, so there's that."

"Everything's changing..." I mumbled quietly, and even though I wasn't entirely sure why I chose to voice my random though - it was true.

Gerard and Patrick were gone, Mikey and Ryan were angels, and Bob was leaving, not to mention that I would soon be returning to Heaven, which had an entirely new dynamic now. It was so much all at once, and I just wanted to bury my head in the sand so I could have some time to process everything for a little bit.

"So...we doing this now or what?" Bob asked gruffly, but I could hear the suppressed emotion in his voice.

"Yeah...I think it would be best," Brendon answered for all of us.

"Frank can't fly...do you think you could carry him Bob?" Billie Joe saved me the trouble of repeating myself, and I was thankful to him. Talking was difficult right now, I was using up most of my energy just trying to hold back my tears.

"Yeah of course, thank fuck you are small, flying with both of you will be no problem." Bob motioned to Gerard's still body, and I nodded my thanks. I was nowhere near ready to let go of him yet, not that I ever would be.

"Follow me okay? I think I know a good location." Brendon made sure we all heard him before pumping his wings and lifting off into the air. Bob scooped me up like I weighed nothing, and I tried to relax as much as I could without dropping Gerard as he took off into the sky.

The flight didn't seem too long, but my concept of time was fuzzy, and I wasn't sure how much time we actually spent in the air. The landscape changed dramatically underneath us as we left the desert far behind, and soon we were flying over a dense forest instead of yellow sands.

I didn't spend much of my time sight-seeing though, instead, I stared at Gerard's peaceful face, trying to imagine him alive and flying beside me, not pale and lifeless in my arms. My fantasy wasn't really working, but it helped a little.

Finally, we touched down, and even I gasped at the grandeur of the surrounding area. We had landed at the base of a massive waterfall surrounded by gorgeous trees that I didn't know the name of. A river danced and rippled around us before plunging off the edge of the cliff, sending sparkling drops of water into the air as we watched.

"This is perfect," I whispered quietly. Everything from the remote location to the untamed beauty of this placed brought a sense of peace to my heart, and I could think of nowhere better to lay Gerard to rest.

"I thought the same thing," Brendon smiled sadly, setting Ryan's body down on the grassy ground.

With heavy hearts, we began the laborious task of digging their graves, which was sped along by Bob's claws, and sooner than I had expected, we had two deep holes carved into the loamy earth.

Releasing a tired sigh, I stepped back to where I had placed Gerard's body next to Ryan's, resting my hand on his unmoving chest as if to check one last time to make sure that he truly didn't draw breath any longer.

"Ready?" Billie Joe asked me warily, and even though I nodded, it was a lie. I would never be ready for this, how could I be? No one should have to bury the love of their life, but I had no other choice, and prolonging the inevitable would do nothing for me.

With shaking hands, I gathered Gerard in my arms for the last time, proceeding over to his grave with reluctant steps. When I reached the edge, I had to pause, because this was it, I was about to surrender Gerard forever, and it was so much more painful than I could ever imagine. All of the physical agony I had been in combined was nothing compared to this, and I was surprised my heart didn't explode under the strain of so much sadness.

I didn't notice Brendon stepping up beside me, actually, I didn't even realize that anyone else was here besides Gerard and I. The world had shrunk down to just the two of us, and I wanted to pause this moment forever. Then I wouldn't have to take this final step, I wouldn't truly have to say goodbye, but the world didn't work that way, of course it didn't, and I knew I would have to proceed with this makeshift funeral soon.

I still took a few moments though, brushing Gerard's hair back from his face before pressing one last kiss to his cold forehead. I had to let him go, but it was so hard, I felt as if I was ripping myself apart as I slowly lowered his body down into the shadowy hole.

Once he hit the bottom, I snatched my hands away as if burned, because I knew if I didn't release my hold on Gerard now, I would throw myself into the grave with him, and no one would be able to make me leave him.

I assumed that Brendon repeated my actions, but I couldn't see him through the tears that were blurring my vision. I faintly heard Mikey's sobs behind me, along with the sound of dirt being moved, and I knew Bob was burying Gerard, while Ray did the same to Ryan, but I couldn't look. I didn't want to watch Gerard's flawless face being covered up bit by bit until I could no longer see him.

I shook softly as Bob continued his work, turning away so I wouldn't be tempted to do something stupid, like dig Gerard back up, or just lie down and die with him. Billie Joe silently slipped up beside me, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder in a wordless apology.

"Should we say something?" Ray asked quietly, dusting off his hands the best that he could.

"I - I don't know," Brendon stammered out nervously. Angels weren't good with funerals, because we didn't have them. When an angel died, their body disappeared, and we silently honored their memory, but there was no ceremony held in their honor, no headstone with their name carved into it, so this was an entirely new experience to all of us. Even when I had been alive, I had never attended a funeral.

"I'll miss you fucker," Bob whispered, leaning down to touch Gerard's grave gently.

"So will I, and I'll see you soon Ryan...I'm so sorry for every dragging you into this," Brendon sighed out before stepping back a pace.

"I didn't know either of you that well...but I wish I had." Ray mumbled awkwardly before heading over to stand behind Brendon.

"Gerard...you were the best brother anyone could ever ask for, and I can't believe you are gone..." Mikey started to say more, but he broke off in choking sobs before he could continue.

Billie Joe didn't step forward, so that left only me, and I didn't know what to say. Still, I crouched next to Gerard's grave, running my hand over the disturbed earth absentmindedly.

"I love you okay...so fucking much, and don't you forget it. I'll find you again, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but don't give up on me." I shuddered softly as I tried to regain my feet, but I stumbled from exhaustion, and I was only saved from falling on my face by Billie Joe's outstretched arm.

"Goodbye..." Billie whispered, placing a hand on first Ryan's grave, and then Gerard's.

"What the -" Billie exclaimed, and when I glanced down at his hand, which was still touching the ground, I noticed it had started to glow.

"Billie...what are you doing?" I questioned nervously.

"I - I don't know..."

As we watched, the soil under his fingertips began to shift and change, turning from its natural brown color to a crystal substance; it shimmered in the faint sunlight, casting a brilliant stream of colors into the air. The phenomenon continued downward until Gerard's body was visible, and as the colored light touched him, his features changed slightly: the blood caking his skin vanished, and his gaping wound closed up as I watched. He appeared to be embalmed, encased in a tomb of crystal the likes of which had never been seen before.

"How did you do that?" Mikey stepped closer, peering inside at Gerard, who truly appeared to be simply sleeping now, even though I knew he was still dead. For one crazy moment, I had hoped that Billie had found some way to do the impossible, but that was stupid; if God couldn't bring Gerard back to life, then there was no way Billie could.

"I have no idea...it just happened..." Billie stared at his hand in awe, and he looked more confused than all of us combined.

"Thank you Billie." I pulled him into a tight hug, because he had given me an amazing gift, and even if none of us understood how it happened, it didn't matter.

Because now I could continue to see Gerard whenever I wanted, and even though what I truly desired was him alive and healthy once more, this was much better than nothing, and I would always be grateful for this one small blessing. Being able to see his face when I was lonely and aching for him would help, and I knew I would be frequenting this site often.


	46. Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Two

**Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Two**

"Well...as much as I don't want to, I think I need to get back to my boys," Bob announced, his voice sounding abnormally loud compared to the tranquil silence we had previously been cocooned in.

When I glanced skyward, I saw that night was falling already, and I knew that we would have to leave soon too. I was reluctant to move though, and it showed in my actions as I slowly dragged myself to my feet. I had been sitting next to Gerard's grave for some time now, gazing down at his still face as silent tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Don't be a stranger okay?" I clasped Bob's hand in mind as I spoke.

"I won't. Once we all get settled down again, I'll pop in for a visit. Maybe you archangels could find some work for us to do. We will probably get fucking bored without all this angel drama anyway," Bob chuckled quietly.

"I'm sure we will find plenty of stuff to keep you busy." His idea was a good one; having demons willing to work with Heaven was something that I wouldn't turn down, and I was sure the others would feel the same way.

"Heal up okay...and stay safe," Bob chided me gently.

"I will, and the same goes to you."

Bob said his goodbyes to the rest of our small group before winging off into the rapidly darkening sky, pausing for a moment to wave one last time. I was sad to see him go, he had become a good friend in the short time I had known him, but I knew we would meet again, hopefully sooner rather than later.

"We should probably head out soon too..." Ray said once Bob was completely out of sight.

"I need to stop off at the safe house first, I left the book of prophecies there, and I want to return it to Heaven," Billie added on.

"I need to go too, everything I have is there..." I agreed with Billie.

"I'll come with you guys, you will probably need some help carrying everything," Brendon chimed in.

"I think I'll take Mikey to Heaven, we will let everyone know where you went, and I need to start showing him the ropes of being an angel," Ray smiled down at Mikey, who nodded in agreement.

"Okay then, we will see you guys soon." Brendon pulled them both in for a quick hug before they took off as well.

"Why don't you want to go back to Heaven Brendon? We aren't bringing much back, and Ryan is probably there waiting for you already," Billie Joe asked in a concerned tone of voice. I hadn't thought about that until just now, but Billie was right; if I were Brendon, and my love was somewhere else, I would be eager to return to them.

"I do...it's just...I don't know. I'm scared I guess, because even though Ryan is there, it's not the Ryan I know. People change when they become angels..."

"He's still Ryan though, and he still loves you," Billie protested, a slightly confused expression on his face.

"But what if he doesn't? I am nothing like the person I was before I died. What if he doesn't want me like he did before?" Brendon's voice had taken on a despairing tone, and I didn't know what to say to comfort him.

"You are being ridiculous. You still loved Ryan after you died right? So he will too, and if by some chance he doesn't, you will never know until you face him," Billie retorted back.

"Well I -"

"Think about it Brendon, he is probably scared, and alone, and looking for you, and don't forget, he has no idea if you are still alive, so if I were you, I would go to him right now before he assumes the worst." Billie Joe was right, and I could tell that Brendon knew it.

"Yeah - okay, I'll go see him. Will you guys be okay alone?"

"Of course we will, I can carry Frank just fine on my own, so don't worry about us."

"Thanks Billie, for pointing out what an idiot I am. I'll catch up with you guys soon okay?" Brendon called out, wings already pumping in preparation for flight.

"Good luck," I called out quietly, but Brendon still heard me, turning back to give me a cheesy grin before pushing off the ground, leaving Billie and I alone, unless you counted Gerard and Ryan.

"Just let me know when you want to leave, there is no rush." Billie Joe settled himself on a tree stump as if to prove his point.

"Thanks...but we should probably go sooner rather than later. The longer I am here, the less I am going to want to leave," I answered truthfully, because even though I wanted to stay here at Gerard's grave until the end of time, I knew I had hidden from reality long enough already, and putting it off wasn't going to make it any easier.

"Whatever you want okay? I'm in no rush," Billie remarked causally, but I heard something else in his tone that I couldn't quite place.

"How did you know Brendon was scared to go back?" I questioned him curiously, because I hadn't picked up on it at all, and I had been friends with Brendon for much longer than Billie had, so I wanted to know how he picked up on it so quickly.

"I guess...because I am afraid too. I don't know how to be an archangel, I was barely even an angel before, just a test subject. Besides you, Brendon, and Ray, I really don't even know anyone else, and I - I don't know. It's just a lot to process." Billie Joe's shoulders slumped, and I knew he needed someone to comfort him, so even though I didn't feel up to the task, I tried my best.

"I know it is a lot to take in, but you don't need to worry okay? We will all be here with you, and we are all just as scared and freaked out as you are, but we will figure it out together." That was the longest sentence I had managed to string together since Gerard's death, and Billie's accompanying smile made me happy that I had put in the extra effort for him. I hadn't known him that long, but Billie Joe had become one of my closest friends recently, and I wanted to be there for him as much as he had for me.

"I know you are right, but can we at least wait until tomorrow to head back, I'm sure I will feel better about everything then," Billie asked, and I had to agree, taking a night to recuperate sounded like an amazing idea.

"Yeah of course, we can go organize the safe house and return to Heaven in the morning."

"You ready then?" Billie's gaze flickered to the fresh graves, but I didn't follow his line of sight. I didn't want to look at them right now, it hurt too much, and if I wanted to leave without bursting out in tears, I needed to ignore Gerard's face right now.

"Yeah...are you sure you can carry me?"

"Positive, I won't break any speed records, but you really aren't that heavy." Billie grinned slightly, and I tried to copy his expression, still failing to produce a true smile though.

"Okay then," I shrugged, relaxing as much as I could as Billie Joe put his arms around me, and soon enough, we were airborne as well.

We didn't speak during the flight, and I was just fine with that, the wind would have torn our words away anyway, and I didn't have the energy to shout. The safe house was a decent distance away from where we had buried Gerard, and I actually found myself dozing off as the night sky darkened and the stars came out. I hadn't slept properly since Gerard had been kidnapped, and the combined weight of all those sleepless night, as well as the stress of today had worn me out.

The next thing I knew, Billie was landing in front of the familiar house where I had spent my best days with Gerard. Nostalgia hit me like a hammer to the face, snapping me out of my half asleep state. When I had agreed to come back here, I hadn't truly thought it through. I had believed that staying by Gerard's grave was the most painful thing I could do to myself right now, but I had forgotten how many memories this place held, and now that I was faced with them, I wanted to leave immediately.

I didn't say anything though, for Billie's sake. The flight had been long, and he was tired, so I didn't want to make him take us somewhere else. Besides, he was right that we needed to collect the important books and other rare items that we had stored here, they shouldn't be left unattended for too long, but I wish I hadn't already promised to spend the night here.

Billie set me down gently when he noticed I was awake, and I nodded to him gratefully. We climbed the few steps leading up to the porch, and my eyes flickered to the spot where Gerard had admitted his Livian addiction to me not even two weeks ago. I remembered exactly how he had looked that day, cheeks red from the wind, eyes frightened and guilty, but still so beautiful, and so alive.

If Billie Joe noticed my momentary pause, he didn't say anything, and I was grateful for that. I didn't want to explain what was running through my head at this moment, and somehow, he seemed to sense that.

When I finally made my way inside, Billie was already sorting through the books and scrolls he had brought along, separating them in piles that I was sure made sense to him, but I couldn't discern the logic in his organization techniques just yet.

"I'm gonna be upstairs," I commented, and Billie responded with a grunt that I assumed meant he had heard me.

I climbed the creaky steps slowly, not anywhere near ready to face what had once been our room, but I needed a change of clothes at least, the ones I was currently wearing were blood soaked and tattered. What I really needed was a shower, but I knew I would fall asleep if I stood under a relaxing spray of water, so I put that off for now.

I had thought I was prepared for the pain of stepping into our room, but it was so much worse than I had imagined. My heart stuttered painfully as Gerard's familiar scent filled my nose, and I lost the war I had been waging with my unruly emotions, collapsing onto the bed as my sobs ripped their way out of my throat.

I knew Gerard was gone, and that I was going to have to learn to accept that, but right now, everything was so raw and fresh, I literally felt like I was being torn apart, and I didn't know how to survive this way.

I tried to keep quiet so Billie wouldn't hear me, but I failed miserably at that, and it wasn't long before I heard the door opening, and I knew I was no longer alone. I didn't move though, I couldn't, so I simply continued to cry, facing away from Billie so he wouldn't have to see me this way.

"Frank..." Billie sighed before sitting beside me on the bed, rubbing my shoulder soothingly. His attempt to comfort me backfired completely, and my tears came even more rapidly than before. I just wanted to be left alone so I could mourn in private, but I knew Billie wouldn't leave me in this condition.

"Ssh...it's gonna be okay," Billie whispered in a soothing voice.

"No it's not...fuck Billie, it hurts, it hurts so fucking much, and I don't think I can do this. How am I supposed to pretend like everything is okay when I feel like I'm dying without him?" I gasped out in-between my sobs, sitting up so I could face him properly.

"I don't know Frank...I wish I could fix this, but I can't. I do know that no one expects you to be perfectly fine okay? You are allowed to hurt, and cry, and eventually, it will get better. It hasn't even been a day yet...just hang in there okay?"

"What if it doesn't...fuck - I feel like I'm drowning, and I need Gerard to pull me back to shore, but he won't - he can't, and I should have fucking saved him, but I fucked that up...I -" I couldn't even continue, breathing had become difficult, and I was shaking so hard, I thought I might shatter into a thousand pieces. My chest began to ache, and I was beginning to panic slightly.

"Frank...come here, fuck - lay down before you hurt yourself." Billie forced me back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around me to still my trembling limbs.

"I can't breathe..." I choked out, trying my best to suck air into my lungs. Maybe I was getting my wish, and I was dying from a broken heart.

"It's okay Frank...I've got you. Don't bottle this up okay?" I tried my best to follow Billie's advice, because I realized now I was having an anxiety attack, which hadn't happen to me since before I died.

As I slowly lowered my defenses that I had built up around my internal sorrow, a wordless scream escaped my throat, and even though I felt my lungs beginning to work again, the intensity of my emotions was almost as bad as the feeling of suffocating.

I felt someone's hand slowly stroking my hair back from forehead, and for one second, I thought it was Gerard - he always loved doing that, but of course, it was Billie. He was still holding me, whispering soothing words in an attempt to calm me down.

I was a pathetic mess right now, but Billie didn't seem to care, and I was so grateful for his friendship in that moment. It felt easier to bear the crushing weight on my heart with someone else there, and I slowly felt myself relax, even though I was still sobbing quietly.

"Just sleep Frank...it will be easier to bear in the morning," Billie mumbled, and it was only then that I realized I was indeed drifting off.

Before I could utter a word of thanks, my eyelids were drooping downward, and I fell into slumber eagerly. I just wanted to forget about everything for a little while, and I prayed I wouldn't dream so I could do just that.


	47. Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Three

**Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Three**

I awoke the next morning feeling slightly better; that wasn't to say my chest didn't still ache, and my limbs hurt, and I never wanted to move out of these sheets that still smelled like Gerard, but it was tiny bit less overwhelming today, and I decided to take my leave of this place before it got any worse.

I gathered up a few changes of clothes and some other sentimental items before stuffing them into a pack I found on the closet floor, I think it used to be Gerard's, but I didn't let myself dwell on that now. Just as I was about to leave the room, I noticed the corner of a book sticking out from under the bed.

When I pulled it out, I recognized the journal that Gerard used to write in from time to time. I had never prodded him about it, how could I when I kept my own, and he had never spoken of it, but now that he was gone, I couldn't resist placing it on top of my clothes before I tied the bag shut with an air of finality.

I couldn't look at it now, I knew I wasn't strong enough for that just yet, but I wanted to keep it with me, and maybe one day, I would find the courage to look at Gerard's private words.

I walked downstairs slowly, trying not to disturb Billie in case he was still asleep. I had risen pretty early, the sun was barely cresting over the horizon, but when I entered the living room, Billie was up and busy packing.

"Hey," I waved sheepishly, slightly embarrassed that he had witnessed my breakdown last night.

"Oh good, you're up. I'm almost done packing, and then we can go. There is no way we can take this all in one trip, but I've got the most vital stuff right here." Billie hefted a full pack up, and it was apparent from its shape that it was stuffed with books.

"Need some help?" I offered, internally breathing a sigh of relief at the fact that he hadn't asked me how I was feeling, or something like that.

"No actually, I'm good. You will have to carry some of this though," Billie chuckled as I settled down on the couch, waiting for him to finish deciding what to take.

"There is no way we are going to be able to fly with all this," I remarked when Billie added three more bags to the pile of things we were taking with us.

"I already thought that through. I got in contact with Brendon earlier, and he is going to open up a portal right outside, so we won't have to worry about it."

"How long have you been awake?" I questioned curiously.

"Pretty much all night, why?" Billie shrugged casually.

"Fuck Billie, you need to get some rest."

"I know...I did try, but I just couldn't. I would close my eyes and see everything that happened yesterday, and I didn't want to relive that," Billie whispered softly.

"Oh..." I trailed off awkwardly, not sure what to say. Miraculously, I hadn't dreamed at all last night, and I had been too exhausted to spend any time thinking about all the terrible things that we had witnessed.

"I'm sorry, this is probably the last thing you want to talk about. I'll be fine Frank, I'll sleep when we get back to Heaven," Billie stammered out guilty, lifting a pack to signify that he was ready to go.

"It's okay Billie, I can't just pretend nothing happened. If you ever need to talk - about anything, I'm here." I owed Billie that much after everything he had done for me.

"Thanks...I will remember that. Just not right now okay?"

"Ready then?" I lifted my own bag, grabbing two more off the floor and trying to balance them all without falling over.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Billie sighed as he headed out the door.

I hadn't forgotten about Billie's reluctance to return to Heaven, and I debated asking him if he was doing okay, but he obviously wasn't, none of us were, and no paltry words from me were going to make this any easier.

So we walked in silence until we reached the familiar resonance that meant a portal was nearby. Billie opened it with ease, and with a nod to each other, we stepped into the shimmering air which would return us to Heaven.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly so I wouldn't have to see the dizzying lights fly passed us. I hated traveling by portal, and I rarely ever did it before. Now that my wing was damaged, I guess I would have to get used to this, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

When the tumbling sensation stopped, I finally opened my eyelids, only to be met by the sight of Brendon and Ray waiting for us. Brendon threw himself at me in a hug before I could react, causing me to drop the bags I had been carrying as I returned his embrace.

"Calm down Brendon, I wasn't even gone for a day," I mumbled against his shoulder.

"I know, I'm just glad you are back," Brendon giggled as he pulled away. He stepped back, gesturing to his left, and that was when I noticed Ryan standing behind him, looking just like he had before his death.

"Hey Ryan, welcome back." I actually smiled for the first time since Gerard's death at the sight of my friend.

"Frank...I heard what happened, are you okay?" Ryan stepped forward tentatively, and I steeled myself so I wouldn't get emotional again.

"Yeah...I mean no, but I will be."

"Your old room is still yours Frank, so you can throw your stuff in there whenever you want," Ray cut in, and I shot him a grateful smile for changing the subject.

"Yeah, I'll do that now. Where is everyone else?" I peered around as I spoke, trying to catch a glimpse of another angel in the usually crowded halls of the garrison.

"Busy trying to put Heaven back in order, and we told them not to bother you until you were ready. Everything is sort of a mess right now, but God is here, helping to fix everything," Ray answered my question.

"That's good, and I want to help. I need to keep myself distracted you know?"

"Yeah, but that can wait until tomorrow okay? Just get settled in for now, and don't forget to stop by the healers tent, maybe they can fix your wing." Ray seemed adamant that I didn't do any work today, and I wasn't in the mood to argue.

"Okay fine, I'll go to my room," I pretended to pout as Ray grinned down at me.

"Come on Billie, you have your own room too, I will show you were it is." Brendon and Ryan tugged Billie down a hallway leading away from my room, and I waved to their retreating figures before heading back to my own room.

Ray didn't follow me, and I knew he was giving me some space. Ray understood what I needed right now, and I was glad that our friendship was still that strong after everything that had happened.

When I pushed open the familiar door, I was surprised that nothing had changed. I had been gone for so long that I assumed someone else would have taken over this space ages ago, but that didn't seem to be the case.

It felt strange to be back after so long, and I no longer felt like I belonged here. This wasn't home anymore - not at all - home had been wherever Gerard was, and this was just a place to sleep now.

I threw my bag down into the floor with a sigh, not knowing what to do now that I had some time to myself. I wasn't ready to go through Gerard's journal just yet, but I wasn't quite tired enough to sleep either.

Just when I had decided to pay the healers a visit, a soft knock sounded throughout the room.

"Come in," I called, and I was slightly surprised to see Mikey when the door swung open. He hadn't been there to greet me when he had arrived in Heaven, and I assumed he still blamed me for Gerard's death, and he had every right to.

"Hey Frank," Mikey stuttered out, standing nervously in the hallway.

"Hey - you don't have to stand all the way over there you know?" I tried to smile, but this one fell flat.

"Oh - yeah, sorry." Mikey shuffled into the room and settled awkwardly on the end of the bed.

"So...how is being an angel suiting you?" I tried to make some small talk while Mikey pulled himself together, he obviously had a reason for coming to see me, but I was willing to let him wait until he was ready to speak.

"I love it, it's even better than I imagined. I still can't believe it actually." Mikey grinned to himself as he spoke, and once again, I felt a rush of happiness for him.

"That's good, you deserve that."

"Frank...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," Mikey spoke up after a minute of silence.

"Sorry?" I didn't understand what he meant; honestly, I had expected Mikey to come in here and yell at me for not doing a better job of protecting Gerard, not apologize to me.

"Yeah...I've been unfair to you. I should never have shouted at you when Gerard got kidnapped, and I still feel bad about that. Everything happened so fast, and I never got a chance to tell you I didn't mean it. I was just scared you know?"

"Mikey...you had every right to be mad at me. I fucked up letting him get taken, and I fucked up saving him. You would be totally within your rights to slap me right now," I tried to chuckle, but it turned into a choked off sob instead.

"I was pissed at first, when I saw him in your arms...but not at you - just at the world I guess. I saw how hard you tried to save him, you started a fucking war Frank, and I know you did everything you could. I don't blame you for anything, and I know you are hurting more than I am, so I'm not going to yell at you, or hurt you, I just want to talk to someone else who knew him as well as I did - who loved him."

"Yeah - okay Mikes, I can do that." I didn't really think I was ready to vocalize my feelings about Gerard, but I owed Mikey that much, and I knew he needed this.

"Can you tell me how he died...I meant to ask earlier, but the opportunity never came up, so I still don't really know," Mikey asked warily.

I nodded before beginning the tale of what had happened. This was the first time I had relayed the exact events of Gerard's fall to anyone, and it hurt - so fucking badly, but when I was finished, I felt slightly more relieved, even though tears were streaming down both of our faces.

"Wow...you fought Lucifer for him..." Mikey wiped his face quickly, trying to hide the evidence of his emotions.

"Yeah, and I would do it again. I just wish it had actually meant something in the end."

"It did Frank," Mikey stated somberly, and even though I didn't agree, I didn't want to push the issue.

We continued to talk for the rest of the day, moving on to happier topics, and Mikey even filled me in on what Gerard had been like when he was alive. It ached to hear his name spoken so often, but it was almost a good pain, and I soaked up every fact and held them close to my heart.

"I have his journal Mikes, if you want to read it," I mentioned during a lull in our conversation, pointing to my bag so he would know where it was.

"Maybe one day...not right now though," Mikey mumbled quietly.

"Yeah...I understand."

"Thank you Frank," Mikey stated out of the blue.

"For what?" I questioned.

"For loving him...you made him so happy, seriously - I have never seen Gerard like that before. So thank you for making his last days some of the best ones he probably ever had."

I couldn't answer him, I was too choked up, and Mikey understood. He simply embraced me as I cried against his shoulder, and I could tell by the hitching in his chest that he was crying too.

We stayed that way for quite some time, releasing our sorrow through our tears, and it helped a bit. Mikey related to what I was feeling better than anyone, and having him there was so much better than being alone.


	48. Final Private Angel Log

**Final Private Angel Log**

_I can't write in this journal anymore, there is no point, because as much as I try to think of something else to pen to paper, all I can call to mind is Gerard, and I will never move on if I continue to do this to myself, so this will be the last entry in this book._

_I thought I was healing, and at first, I seemed to manage without him in my life. I kept myself busy, always throwing myself into the nearest project, so by the time I returned to my room, I would be so exhausted, I wouldn't have time to think. That worked for a time, but eventually things in Heaven began to return to a semblance of normalcy, and I couldn't find enough tasks to distract myself with._

_There was some excitement when Oliver fled with his group of loyal archangels in the dead of night, but that quickly died down as well. Search parties were sent out, but they managed to elude us, and since they hadn't taken anything important, we let them go. I knew they would probably cause trouble later, but that was a problem for another time._

_It doesn't help that my wing is permanently ruined; the healers tried everything, even going so far as to re-break the bones twice in an attempt to get them to knit back together in the correct position, but nothing worked, so I can't even escape to the air any longer._

_I feel useless now, especially since I can no longer handle my job of hunting down demons, and even though there are other things I can do without my wings, I miss the gift of flight, and my heart is caged without it._

_Days turned into weeks, and before I knew it, six months had passed since Gerard died. I got worse instead of better, and I spent the majority of my time trying to find a way to bring Gerard back. All of my friends are worried about me, especially Billie; he has constantly tried to reason with me that there is nothing we can do, telling me that Gerard is truly gone, but I don't want to believe that._

_I am trying to function without him, I really am, but nothing is working, and I find myself at Gerard's grave more often than not, sobbing bitterly and begging for him to come back to me. I realize that I am slowly spiraling out of control, but I can't stop myself._

_Not everything is terrible though, at least my friends are happy. Ryan and Brendon seem just as in love as they were before, Mikey is adjusting well to becoming an angel, mostly thanks to Ray, who has barely left his side, and even Billie has found his own place in Heaven, taking charge of the Holy Library now that Brendon is busy with other duties. I haven't been spending nearly as much time with them as I should, but it is hard to fake happiness around them, so I avoid them more often than not._

_Bob is doing well too, and I visit him quite often. I like getting out of Heaven, and his gruff nature calms me; I am tired of receiving pitying looks from the other angels, so Bob's company is a welcome change. He has organized the rebel demons into a compromised unit, and their main job is to liberate other demons that don't want to be in Hell, though they also help out Heaven whenever we have a task we can't handle on our own._

_Everything is going perfectly, and I should be doing better, but I'm not. I am a mess...and I don't know how I will survive like this much longer. I just miss Gerard so much..._

_I finally read his journal, and I think it hurt more than it helped. It led me throughout our entire relationship, almost step by step, and I was touched that he had written about me so much. I could hear his voice as I went through it, and even though it made me happy to see how much my love had changed him - saved him even - in the end, I had basically killed him, and I would never forgive myself for that._

A knock sounded on my door, interrupting me from my writing. I was surprised that someone was here to see me, all my friends were busy with one thing or another today, and I hadn't been expecting company.

"Come in," I called out, even though it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Hello Frank." My jaw dropped when I saw who had walked into my room, because it was God, and they didn't just come pay house calls every day. They appeared to me in the form of a man this time, with close cropped black hair and hazel eyes that reminded me a bit too much of Gerard's, but no matter how they appeared, it was impossible not to recognize God.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped out, realizing a little bit too late that my words sounded quite rude, even though I was really just shocked.

"This visit has been a long time coming, I just had to make sure of some things," God answered cryptically.

"I don't understand."

"Do you truly still love him?" God asked out of the blue, ignoring my previous sentence completely.

"With all of my heart," I answered sincerely, because I didn't have to ask who they were talking about to know it was Gerard.

"There is a way that the two of you can be reunited..."

"And you are just telling me now?" I didn't care about my tone of voice this time, even if this was God, I was still pissed.

"It was a test Frank, I had to make sure your love for him was true, and it wouldn't fade away with time. It had to be this way, believe me when I say this." God sounded almost apologetic, but I was still fuming.

"So you mean I have been losing my mind over these past six months, when you knew this the whole time?" I hissed quietly, trying to gain control over my temper.

"Yes, but I wouldn't have kept this from you if it wasn't absolutely necessary to do so."

"You aren't fucking with me...there is truly a way to bring Gerard back?" I pressed on, completely uncaring of the fact that I had just cursed in front of God.

"There is, but it is not an easy decision Frank, and it isn't a one hundred percent guarantee."

"I don't care, I just need him..." I whispered out, trying to hold onto my anger so I wouldn't start crying again.

"I can use your essence to bring him back from the final death, but he would no longer be a demon, and you would not be an angel."

"If you use up my essence, doesn't that kill me?" I questioned, because that was what had made Mikey and Gerard so sick after they had run away from Hell.

"If you remained an angel, then yes, it would, but that wouldn't be the case. You would be human, both of you would be. I would place you on Earth, and you would live out your lives like normal, but that would be it for the both of you, when you die, it will be straight to the final death. Neither of you would return as a demon or an angel."

"If I get to be with Gerard, I don't care."

"That isn't all there is to it Frank; you would lose all your memories, and the same goes for Gerard. You won't know him anymore, and he won't recognize you. I will try to place you in as close proximity as I can, but it is not a guaranteed thing."

"But...if he doesn't remember me, what if he doesn't love me anymore, what if he never does?" My heart sank as I considered my options, but this chance still seemed better than the existence I was currently living in. As much as I didn't want to forget my cherished memories of Gerard, how could I pass up the chance of having him alive again, even if we didn't love each other.

"If your love is as strong as I believe it is, he will, but it is a leap of faith. I will have no control over what happens when you become human, Gerard could die, or you two could never meet, but this is truly all I can do. I am sorry for keeping this from you for so long, but I did not do it by choice."

"I want to do it." I could tell by the surprised look on God's face that they were caught off guard by my sudden decision, but I didn't need any more time to think about this. I had sworn so many times that I would do anything for one more minute with Gerard, and even though this situation wasn't perfect, there was no way I could resist the chance of seeing him again, even if I wouldn't remember him.

"Are you absolutely sure Frank, there is no changing your mind once this is done," God pressed gently, but I simply nodded my head to show how serious I was.

"I am, I just need to tell my friends goodbye." I jumped off the bed, ready to rush off and find them, when God spoke again.

"It has to be done now Frank, all of the elements will align perfectly in a few more minutes, and I will not be able to reach into the final death once this time frame has passed. I will inform everyone of where you have gone."

"Fine, just give me a second." I tore out a page of my angel log, scribbling a quick note to my friends explaining what happened and how much I loved them. It wasn't enough, but I didn't want to waste any more time, and hopefully they knew how much they meant to me.

When I was done, I turned to back to God and followed them as they exited my room. The halls were oddly empty, but I didn't remark on it, I'm sure God had something to do with it. Instead, I spent my last few minutes as an angel pouring over my favorite memories of Gerard, since this would be the last time I could do this, but hopefully we would make some more soon.

God led me into an enormous room I had never been in before, the floor was made of glass, and I could see the darkening skies underneath us. There was an air of mystery to this place, and I felt like an intruder as soon as I entered.

"Stand in the center of the room, that is, if you are truly dedicated to taking this final step." God motioned to a circle carved in the glass, it was stained different colors, and it cast the sky in multiple hues of the rainbow as I stepped onto it.

I was certain of my choice in this moment, and I knew even if I was able to remember this, I wouldn't regret it. Yes, I would miss my friends, but they would understand why I had done this, and hopefully they would be happy for me. I knew this was the right thing to do, because I had come to accept the fact that I would never be okay again without Gerard, and I was finally getting the one thing I had been so desperate for.

I was aware of the chances of us not meeting, but I chose not to focus on that, and maybe the universe would be kind to use for once, because even if I lost all of my memories, I knew I would still love Gerard, and hopefully he would feel the same way. Even if he didn't, I would be okay with that, as long as he was a part of my life once again.

"You will be placed somewhere far away from anyone you knew when you were living, with different parents, a different house, and a different life - nod if you understand," God spoke clearly, and I did as they asked.

As I watched, the air around God began to shimmer slightly, and I knew whatever magic they were working was about to begin.

"I will drain your energy first, and it will hurt, but I have to release Gerard before I transfer you into a human. When you wake up, you will remember nothing about any of this, so if you have changed your mind, speak up now." I kept my lips firmly shut, and I saw God smile slightly out of the corner of their eye.

"I knew you were the one," they whispered quietly. I didn't think I was supposed to hear it, but before I could question them further, a bright flash of light exploded from their body and sharp pinpricks of pain erupted all over my skin.

It felt as if I had a thousand needles piercing my flesh, and each one was sucking the life out of my slowly, but I didn't care, I smiled through the pain, because after this, Gerard would be alive, and that was all that mattered.

I weakened rapidly, slumping against the cool floor as my very essence was drained from me. Just as my vision was flickering in and out, I heard God whisper one last sentence.

"Good luck Frank, we will meet again, but until then, enjoy this gift."

Then I was falling, cocooned in a comforting blackness as everything I had been was slowly stripped away from me, and I became someone entirely new. The darkness pressed around me even more as I continued to fall, but just before my eyesight began to fail me, and I knew I was about to lose consciousness, I heard someone whispering my name.

It was Gerard...

I would recognize that voice anywhere, and even though I couldn't seem to respond, I smiled to myself, because I knew we would find each other again, we just had to.

 


	49. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Frank was tired, and really pissed off, even though he kind of deserved his punishment. He had been being a little shit at school again, bunking off to smoke instead of attending his math class, but he hated math, and he was already failing, so he didn't really see the point in going.

Frank felt that way about most of high school actually, he already knew what he wanted to do, he was going to be in a band, so he didn't need to learn about biology, or the Pythagorean theorem, or anything like that. He was just bidding his time until he was eighteen and he could put all of this school nonsense behind him.

His family actually supported his dream, and they were fine with his musical aspirations, but they were determined that he finished high school first, which was the only reason he hadn't just dropped out already, because even though Frank was a little shit, he really did love his parents, and he didn't want to piss them off that much.

Unfortunately, Frank's principle hadn't agreed with his explanation when he had been caught skipping class, so now he was stuck working in the library for an hour every day after school, because apparently detention wasn't cutting it for Frank anymore, so they had moved up to forced labor.

Not that Frank was doing that much actual work, he was supposed to be placing the returned books back onto the correct shelves, but he had found a guitar magazine among the stack, and he had been reading that for the past ten minutes. The teacher that was supposed to be supervising him had drifted off against the desk, so Frank didn't have to worry about being caught.

He was just getting immersed in a really good article, when the door to the library creaked open, causing Frank to rapidly hide the magazine behind his back, just in case another teacher had come in to check up on him.

But instead of a teacher, Frank saw a black haired boy walking toward the desk nervously. He looked slightly familiar, and Frank was pretty sure he was the new student who had just moved here a few days ago, he had been in most of the classes Frank had attended today, but he hadn't properly met him. He looked pretty cool, at least his Nirvana shirt did, but Frank was kind of ticked off at being interrupted in his readings.

"Hey...um - can you help me?" The boy asked shyly, not lifting his gaze from his well-worn checkered vans.

"I don't really work here, I'm just getting punished for skipping class, but I guess I can try." Frank shrugged like it didn't matter one way or the other, which it really didn't, regretfully stowing his magazine away as he walked over to the new boy's side.

"Well I would ask her, but I don't think she would be much help." Frank snorted as the kid gestured to the sleeping teacher.

"Yeah, you are probably right. What did you need?" Frank actually spent quite a bit of time in the library, because he really did like to read, so he knew where most things were, and he didn't mind helping this boy so much anymore. He was funny, and kind of cute, at least from what Frank could see, most of his face was obscured by his long hair. Frank decided it wouldn't hurt to be nice to him, he could probably use a friend with him being transferred here and all, and he was a bit short in the friend department himself.

"I'm new here, and they didn't have any extra textbooks left, so I need to use the library's copy until they can order me my own." The boy finally looked up, pushing his tangled locks out of his face as he did so, and Frank swore his heart stopped beating.

This kid wasn't just cute, he was fucking gorgeous, with a small button nose and hazel eyes that were to die for, and even though he was a little bit chunky, it looked good on him, really good, and Frank wasn't just being nice, but it wasn't his looks that caused Frank's breath to hitch and his heart to stop beating. He felt something when he looked at this boy, something similar to nostalgia, like Frank knew him from somewhere, but he couldn't place where.

The longer Frank stared, the more overwhelmed he became. Frank knew he was gay, and he had definitely crushed on people before, but never like this. Frank couldn't seem to stop looking at this kid, trying to absorb every one of his features so he could commit them to memory. If you had asked Frank yesterday if he had believed in love at first sight, he would have scoffed in your face, but now Frank was seriously rethinking his stance on that front. Not saying that he was actually in love with this stranger - that would be impossible, but Frank couldn't deny the strange feeling flowing throughout his body, and every trace of his previous irritation was long forgotten, now all he wanted to do was get to know this boy better.

"Uh - you okay?" The boy asked, waving his hand in front of Frank's face slowly.

"Yeah...wait - do I know you?" Frank stuttered out, unable to concentrate on anything besides the strange feelings this boy was awakening inside him.

"I don't think so, but you seem really familiar to me, maybe I met you before or something. I used to live here ages ago, but we just recently moved back." The boy smiled sheepishly, and Frank couldn't help but think how perfect the expression looked on his face.

And Frank didn't know it, but Gerard was experiencing the exact same sensations as Frank was, he was just better at hiding it, but he also wanted nothing more than to spend some time with Frank, he just wasn't sure how to go about that without making a complete idiot of himself.

"Okay - sorry, never mind. Um...about those books, the school copies suck ass. Half the pages are torn out, and they are all nasty, but if you want, you can borrow mine for now. Like I could help you catch up and stuff." Frank mentally patted himself on the back for his split second decision, because even though he was probably the worst study partner known to man, he would try to pay attention in school if it meant he got to spend more time with this gorgeous boy. Hopefully the fact they were both in most of the same classes meant Frank's offer didn't come off as too forward, and even if it did, Frank couldn't help but try something.

"Cool...uh -"

"Frank, my name's Frank."

"I'm Gerard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a sequel to this eventually.


End file.
